eros the bittersweet

our journey

it was your faith that has kept me from giving up even when the roads were harrowing...

and it still is your faith that will keep me moving even when the seas are raging...

if it means being with you...

my journey begins and ends with you, and i will be by your side, to take your hand, share your laughter and wipe your tears away.

you are love and i love you.

ever yours, faithfully.

have a rockin' holidays!

To realize your strength before you succumb to your fears
To realize your faith before you give in to discouragement
To realize your hope before you yield to disappointments
To realize the magic and wonder that lies within you before you defer to anonymity
To appreciate your mistakes and learn as you move on
To understand your failures to value victory
To recognize your capabilities before you surrender to your imperfections
To accept your humanity before you submit to the inhumanity of this world


Is something you owe yourself.

I lift my glass to all of you – may your holiday this year rock more than it did the last time!

i will pay


to watch chris cornell sweat.

what not to expect...ever

i think i am in a position where i know i am utterly capable of listing down 10 things that i should not have expected when i came back to work - after a ten-day leave.
  1. that the first day at work would actually sound like the overture from the sound of music - that out of weird coincidence, julie andrews will appear on my monitor, spread her arms and sing: 'the hills are aliiiiiiiiive, with the sound of muuuuussssic...'

  2. that there won't be over a thousand emails from my inbox alone, not to mention that both my managers and eight of our supervisors have their own folders. geesh.

  3. that i won't have to induce myself to a coma by having to read and understand all the emails that require my understanding in less than two hours.

  4. that the reports that i am solely responsible for will miraculously write and create themselves and send themselves out - complete with the accurate distribution list.

  5. that i would not need more than the songs loaded on my mp3 player to keep me sane.

  6. that i won't be expected to go back to work and act as if i took the hiatus so that i can prepare myself for an even crazier workload.

  7. that my body would inevitably go out of sync...meaning i would have to 're-learn' sleeping at noon and keeping myself wide awake at night.

  8. that flowers will be offered to me...that i will find them sitting pretty on my pod.

  9. that i would find the idea of marilyn manson at 4 in the morning helpful. (it beats me - the thought of him suddenly sprung from my consciousness - or unconsciousness - while i was reading through an end of day report for one of our services).

  10. that i won't bleed and i can wing it. apparently this technique of mine ('winging it') was worthless this time.
so there. sometime this week i wanted to pound my head against the fire extinguisher behind me for deciding to take my vacation leave this time of the year. too late for that, i think.

in her words...

beauty just is.

~emily dickinson

malena

one of the reasons why malena remains to be my favorite movie is the fact that monica bellucci had but a few lines in the film yet she truly owns her character and her radiance is not just skin deep.
i would like to share a line (or two...or more...) taken from the film with all of you:


Renato Amoroso:

'I pedaled as fast as I could, as if I were escaping…from longing, from innocence, from her. Time has passed, and I have loved many women. And as they’ve held me close and asked if I will remember them, I’ve said ‘Yes, I will remember you.
But the only one I’ve never forgotten is the one who never asked…Malena.'

you have surpassed

january 31, 2007

was when you told me…

‘remember this day, because today you knew that you have surpassed all of them.’

and i have no doubt that i will always remember today…or earlier i mean.

today i realized that i love you so much it hurts, that every time i speak of how much i feel for you, my heart literally aches. because i know, within, my words, my kisses and embraces never would suffice, they never would be enough. i always think that i do not give you enough, that i never could give you enough. but what you said have, in a lot of ways, calmed me of my worries. that was all that i have been waiting to hear from you. i never quite had the fortitude to ask that from you…for you know that i do not want to change anything about you. i have come to appreciate every thing about you and would not seek to alter anything. there is absolutely nothing to be remedied. you are loved for who you are. and i know i could not ask for anything more. i do not want to ask for anything more. i am content. i am happy with the way things are. i am glad that we took the time that we both needed before completely acknowledging that we want to be with each other. and i want to be with you. and as i have said before, i will be with you, i will remain for as long as you want me to. i never have passionately wanted to be with anyone until you. i know that you have your fears, you are afraid of instances that might shake what we have. i wish i could take those fears away from you, but i unfortunately can not, for i have my own demons to battle. i suppose if there’s anything i can assure you, that will be the reality that i will be with you to thwart all your fears from consuming your hopes and your dreams.

today i realized that i cannot promise to give you so much, except all that i am. it is the only way i ever could love. it is the only way i know i could make you feel that you are desired beyond the superficial, beyond what i can see from the surface, for i have taken the journey towards the light of your being and have found the reason for my own.
written february 1st, 2007

never a lonely morning


there is something so comforting and peaceful in finding you on the other side of the bed...
does not really matter which side.

postsecret

for the last year and a half, i have been visiting...no actually, the more appropriate word would be 'following' the secrets (written in postcards) sent in by thousands of anonymous people to frank warren, which are uploaded (not all though) to a site called 'postsecret.'

going to the site has become an addiction of some sort. the site gets updated every sunday at around 2 pm local time. currently (as in right this very time), 201,405,575 visitors have already looked at the site. wow. talk about internet traffic. time for an upgrade, people. ehehe.

the truth of the matter is that reading other people's secrets kind of made me realize that we are all part of everyone else's lives, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. sometimes, i would come across a post card and think to myself: 'i have been in her (or his) shoes one time or another.' that it is my secret as much as it is theirs.

some of the secrets are disturbing, some distressing. but more often than not, they are hopeful...because letting go of a nightmare or a dream by confessing it is to liberate oneself from whatever gravity or control it has over a person.

i think the 'top (10 or 20...depends on how many i can come up with) best list' would be one of the focal points of my blog. i am planning to resort to writing about a 'best list' that will occur to me when i really am not capable of talking about anything else. i think it will be interesting.


so here it is...the top twenty best secrets i have read on postsecret this year...
  1. please find comfort in knowing that, 'everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.'
  2. i'm thrilled with the person i am becoming.
  3. i feel like we are standing on the edge of something big. take a leap of faith with me.
  4. you are completely remarkable.
  5. i want to tell you that i love you but i'm afraid of the silence that might follow.
  6. the fact that you are even reading this gives me faith in humanity.
  7. we're all waiting for something.
  8. i want my last year back.
  9. i am tired of waiting for God to find me. so i'll find myself. i started looking last night.
  10. my secret was a lie.
  11. i never want you to feel lost again.
  12. your heart is an idiot!
  13. there is no time i feel more alive than when my heart is breaking.
  14. if i could fall out of love with you i would
  15. every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around!
  16. my entire life has been a lie by omission.
  17. i lie the loudest when i lie to myself.
  18. i love myself because you loved me first...happy mother's day!
  19. your beauty is more than just skin deep.
  20. what hurts more than letting you go is knowing you're not fighting to keep me.
for this week, i will post two secrets that took my breath away. here they are:



what would your secret be?

manila

in the light of writing about the ten best things about baguio, i realized i shouldn't leave manila out. as a matter of fact there are a lot of great things to be said about manila. though i lived in quezon city and pasay city...i can say i sort of grew up in manila. hell, i spent all my student days there - from elementary to college.



so here's my list for the ten things to be adored about manila:

1. national museum of the filipino people. i know. saying that makes me feel like a freak. a freak, not a loser. i am that kind of person. i like going to museums. so deal with it. the orginal juan luna work, spoliarium, can be found in the national museum. i took nosh there last may 2008 and it was her first time to behold the great painting. i have been there several times but i always make it a point to see it...and up to this moment it still takes my breath away, i get the stendhal syndrome by just looking at it.

2. silahis. it's a huge filipiniana store located inside intramuros. you can find great mementos there - from rainmakers to furniture made of kamagong and what not.

3. university belt. where would we be (mumai, ara, chi, jos, louie and the rest of the femme fetales) if not for the cheap books sold there? i don't suppose going through college would be too easy.

4. my schools - when i was in grade school, i went to dr. a. albert elementary school - the place where i met my first 'terror' teacher, mrs. apilado and was in love with a guy named aaron thala (whereever you are - i hope you are well). in high school, i went to ramon magsaysay - where i met my best friend, monette and was the associate editor of the blue and white (the official campus english newspaper). at one point monette and i were stalked by a couple of kids who called us 'brainy.' fine. for college, i was lucky enough to receive full scholarship from la consolacion college manila, where i met mumai, josane, cherry, louie, ara, aye, bru, liza, aque...and well, the list goes on. it was also in college where i met the following teachers - sir vir de guzman, atty. pol juan, ma'am eunice parungao (i call her eunice and she hates it ehehe), ma'am claude duyala, dr. ruby senatin, dr. jimmy rico, - who taught me more than what was supposed to be shared inside the classroom, they taught me the importance of humility and the fact that we are all forever going to be students of the universe.

5. the history of the city. i am a history buff. i love manila because of its rich culture and because of the fact that intramuros is found in manila. when i was younger and i couldn't go around without my mom or my dad, i knew about manila's history through textbooks. when i started in high school, my classmates (yes, all of us from section edison) and i would go around the greater part of manila to discover the truth written in those textbooks we have read some years back. and i swear there was a moment we were inside intramuros when i'd have an epiphany every time we turn to a new street or avenue.

6. quezon bridge. it's the bridge from quiapo to ermita, and was designed by the man who created the eiffel tower...gustav eiffel.

7. the churches. during lent when we were in college, we'd have visita iglesia - we would go church hopping, as part of our commitment to our faith. it wasn't too hard to find catholic churches - sometimes you won't even have to ride the jeepney to go from one church to another. there's the manila cathedral, san agustin church (which is actually under the auspices of the order of st. augustine. i think i can get a discount if i'd ever decide to wed there), quiapo church (the site of the annual black nazarene procession), binondo church (where my dad used to take me), tondo church (my dad grew up in tondo, and it is in this church we can find the century-old ivory image of sto. niƱo), and san sebastian church (the only all-steel church in gothic style in asia).

8. liwasang andres bonifacio. i love this park because monette and i had a lot of memories there - one time we asked the manong to play the CD i just burned for monette and he obliged - how nice. it's where i wrote my poem, stillness in shifting, about 6 years ago. the park sits right in front of the philippine post office building.

9. arch of the centuries, in ust. i remember when i was part of the journalism group in high school, we were given lessons in photojournalism and i took a picture of the arch of the centuries...with its view from the entrance, you can actually see the clock at the main building. after taking the photograph, we had to write an article about it - and i did, aptly titled 'fragments of time.' ahhh...memories.

10. the manila hotel. i have never gone inside the hotel. the closest i have been to seeing the 570-room famed five-star hotel is viewing it from the walled city - where the femme fetales would gather every saturday afternoon to share stories and different wonderful reasons to laugh and cry together.

as the popular 80's song goes: manila, manila, i keep coming back to manila...simply no place like manila, manila i'm coming home.

there's no place like home :)



just when you thought i couldn't be


any crazier than i already am...

i downloaded the x files main title theme...on my mp3 player!!!

i suddenly miss having to wait for the show to come on every monday night at 9pm.

if you think i am nuts then yes, i am!!!

just feeding my addiction...and believing that the truth - whatever it is - is still out there.

i am unafraid...


to love you.


i am only scarred by the truth that i can never be myself without you.

violence

seeking the fire in your tongue
longing for the electricity in your fingertips
clashing with the dews of your body
finding familiarity in your strangeness
bowing to the constellation in your eyes
soaring with the sunset in your hair
succumbing to the grace of your skin
arresting silence with the rhythm of your heartbeat
envisioning the light of your soul
trespassing the placid beauty of your shoulders
enfolding the unique, sensual desire in your touch
breathing the energy from your mouth
creating a sanctuary in your chaos
dominating the space on your thighs
tasting the infinite solitude on your flesh
grasping the elements the fill the marrow of your bones
inspiring to hold the air of your belief
sustaining the perpetual image of your smile
inviting to wander on the thoughts in your head
devouring your dignified simplicity
unraveling the hidden mystery of the blood in your veins
...dreams i can only hope to steal from the heavens.

your hands naked

just a tangle
of flesh on
weakened bones
yearning for
depth in the
bed of your
shallow waters
the faintest scent
seems better than
the flower
the drops that
trickle down the
window
much meaningful
than the storm
because of your
words,
the smallest,
most fragile
moments seem
to bear the light
as it releases the
air in a dense
midnight.

between

today and tomorrow


is you.





and only you. because you are the one who steers your course, who decides, who chooses what direction to take, who is solely responsible for the mess, the carnage, the wreckage, the disappointments, the frustrations, and more importantly - the life you want to lead.

musings at 12 midnight

so i am on leave for one whole week...but in about five days time, the notion of 'having so much time in my hands' no longer would apply. and usually, if we have time in our hands, we ponder too much to the point of having an epiphany everytime we breathe in and out.

here are a few things that i wish to accomplish by next year:
  • start saving. i am 25 years old and have been working for five years but i do not have a savings account. can you freaking believe that?
  • continue collecting neil gaiman's the sandman series. i currently have 4 books, which means i 'only' need 6 more. anyone interested to get me book 5 this christmas?
  • resign from my current job. wahaha. totally kidding there.
  • look for another job - not kidding, but maybe weighing options. darn, i better make my mind up.
  • invest on clothes. i need to 'fill' the cabinet i just bought myself, which got my sister wondering if i am getting married because over the last year and a half i have been buying furniture.
  • finally get myself a copy of 'chicken pox for the soul' by jessica zafra.
  • rekindle. with people. with myself.
  • take anxiety management classes. my body still hasn't gotten used to the sudden bursts of terror and distress caused by my work.
  • get more good books for botchok.
  • continue being 'visible' to my friends - especially my high school and college friends. i miss you guys.
  • go back to swimming. i need to exercise.
  • maybe take up yoga classes - again.
  • stop being tortured by people from my past.
  • stop being maimed by the idea that she would need someone else other than me.
  • stop destroying the things that i create.
  • sing my heart out. in the bathroom. or in the silence of the night.
  • continue writing poetry. who knows, they might get published, posthumously.
  • immerse myself in the things that i am capable of.
  • celebrate life. by creating another life?!?! wahaha.
  • buy fake dvds of the complete 5 seasons of ally mcbeal.
  • wait for the 6th and final season of the l word.
  • be more thankful for the things that i actually have, and not whine because i cannot get some things.
  • bring myself closer to Him.
  • visit my dad, sister and grandparents at least once a year.
  • stop harming myself by swallowing my pain.
  • continue being a source of light.
  • start loving myself a little more.

that's a long list. i better start working on them soon.

the future


is one big space.

do not kill yourself over one mistake. there's plenty of room for you to fufill your heart's desires, to write your history and rewrite it, to realize that you have faltered and make amends.


1051200 minutes

it was our 2nd anniversary last december 8th...and we went to baguio to celebrate. we previously have been there twice and though we (sort of) have gotten familiar with the place, there is something about baguio that continues to captivate us. i am listing the top ten best things about the summer capital (what a clichƩ!) of the philippines.

1. zola. it's this little cafƩ at the end of session road. they have really good food, which is available at really affordable prices (i should get a discount next time because i plugged it ehehe). plus...coffee is freeflowing from 3am to 11am. you can just imagine our relentlessness to wake up early so we can drown ourselves in caffeine.

2. what else...strawberries! i love the fact that really ripe and sweet strawberries are available for as low as php50 every corner we turn to. wow. we haven't tried eating strawberries coated in chocolate though. okay...expletives deleted wehehehe.

3. cafƩ by the ruins. next time anyone of you would have the chance to go to baguio, visit the cafƩ (that is if not all of you have gone there...sometimes i feel so primitive, like i am always the last person to discover a good place). their foccacia bread really goes well with the liver spread and cheese spread. and the meal is actually very filling. nosh and i had a blast of a morning, agot isidro was dining on the other table when we got in. here are a few pictures we took of ourselves while we were eating breakfast at the cafƩ:




4. the people. the baguio natives are just so courteous. the manong taxi drivers aren't manunubas (ehehe, that's just so coƱotic). i mean, the flag down rate for the cabs is at php25 and if for example the ride costs you php37 and you give php50 (because of the additional php10), they would really give you your php3 back...and would graciously tell you that they don't have change if they cannot hand you anything. i hope all the cab drivers in manila are like them.

5. our lady of atonement cathedral. for the feast of the immaculate conception, i heard a mass at the cathedral and it truly was solemn. i love the fact that i was inside the church for a good hour and shared that genuine moment with possibly about 300 hundred people yet i have never felt so close to silence and so joyful to celebrate my faith.

6. cheap hotels. you can get a room for as low as php800 a night - and you never have to be too far from session road. wow. at night when you travel to baguio, do not miss looking at the lights on the side of the mountains...they sight is simply breathtaking. it's as if place is covered in a sheet of stars.

7. ube jam from good sheperd. my mom and my sister loves the ube jam and for our trip this year i bought them 3 jars...which i think wouldn't last more than 3 days. ehehe. my sister told me she's planning to hide one of the jars under their bed. wahahah.

8. the cold. i think i have mentioned this on one of my posts...i get hives when the weather is too cold or too hot. but knowing that the average temperature in baguio falls at about 16 degrees celcius (or something), i could care less. i love the weather...for 3 days i did not have any zit and my cheeks are always pinkish (wow, ako na mestiza wehehe). and because of the weather, we can afford to wear coats (i have a knee length trench) and mufflers. but dig this - i went there armed with halters and tank tops. ahaha. i think i made agot wonder why i was wearing a tank top and muffler at 8 in the morning.

9. ukay ukay. cheapness galore! i was able to get a pair of brown knee-high boots and a brown bag for php500. tawaran portion to the highest level especially that nosh is there with me. i was also able to get my very first pair of isaac mizrahis (moccasins) for only php500. and the best part is that it is new. for my mom's birthday, i got her a pair of moccasins by aerosoles (which would normally cost around php5000) for only...tadah...php350!!! OMG.

10. mine's view park. this year was different. for the last couple of times that nosh and i have been to baguio, we would go to mine's view park because that is where you can get cheap pasalubongs - native crafts that includes kitchen utensils, woven bags, t-shirts, keychains (of every shape...yeah, you know what i mean...from pine cones to penises to totem poles to sandals)...but there was something else that caught nosh' attention. in mine's view, there are photographers who would snap your picture for about php10 (depends on the size of the photograph)...so she was looking at the samples and noticed a picture of jolibee - the backdrop being the lush mountains and the foggy air.

which beg the questions: what was jolibee doing in mine's view park? and secondly...who the hell took the mascot there?


pseudo overhaul

before our anniversary, nosh and i decided to have a bit of an overhaul...of our do's. it's my first major haircut since i started growing my hair.


surfacing...

i know...
i have been gone a long time...a total of 12 days. i was caught in a wreck called 'work' prior to me taking my week long vacation leave, so please forgive me.
and now that i finally found the time to write...the boy who keeps on yelling like a testosterone-crazed hyena is occupying the terminal a few seats away from me.
the universe is not joking. i am telling you.

just a thought

okay...i will make sure that this is my last post for today...as i need to relieve my bladder. i have a feeling that one of two things will happen if i don't finish this in 10 minutes. one, my bladder will explode. or two, my pee will shoot out of my nose. neither would look good so i better be quick with this.

nosh and i have been thinking of getting another tattoo. i know. another. you must think that i am nuts. well you are not wrong. i won't argue with you about that. i currently have six tattoos. and i thought to myself, six is not really a good number. maybe i would stop with eight. ehehe.

so, this afternoon, before nosh and i went to sleep, we saw the movie 'mimzy' and came across a hindi/buddhist term - mandala - which in common use, refers to any plan, chart or geometric pattern that represents the cosmos metaphysically or symbolically. a microcosm of the universe from the human perspective. sometimes, a mandala can also represent the entire universe. in buddhist belief, the purpose of the mandala is to put a halt to human affliction, to attain a heightened sense of being and to achieve the correct view of reality. it is a means to unveil divinity by the understanding and realization that it resides within one's own self.

so i would like to invite everyone (all two of you) who would read this post to vote. i will have my 7th tattoo in less than a week's time (i think)...just let me know which looks better on my back.


mandala figure one




mandala figure two

seven

i just posted rosiehardy's interpretation of the seven deadly sins.

here are seven of the holy virtues that correspond invertly to the sins:

vice - virtue

lust - chastity
gluttony - temperance
greed - charity
sloth - diligence
wrath - patience
envy - kindness
pride - humility

just the same, each of the seven deadly sins is paired with a demon, who tempted people by means of the associated sin.

lucifer - pride
mammon - greed
asmodeus - lust
leviathan - envy
beezlebub - gluttony
satan/amon - wrath
belphegor - sloth

unearthing beauty

i found a couple of great things today.

actually i found out about the first of my two discoveries last night, while i was updating my blog and was surfing the net. i was looking for photos and chanced upon an artist called rosiehardy. she has a profile on flickr.com. she's just awesome. she's a photographer and a lot of her works are found on the website i just mentioned. her photos are really interesting and there's just the right amount of darkness (and light) in it (i am talking figuratively - not technically) to get anyone curious. you guys should check her stuff out. i will be posting her take on the seven deadly sins on this post.

secondly...i found a collection of pablo neruda's poetry called 'intimacies' (or in spanish - 'intimismos'). i just finished getting coffee at starbucks (all by myself) and decided to drop by national bookstore to look for 'the claiming of sleeping beauty' (and they do not have a copy - huhuhu) and i am so excited to get one for myself. isn't spanish just the most romantic language (aside from Filipino, of course). the book is as big as his other poetry book 'on the blue shores of silence.' today is a day of discoveries. i unveiled one which is a feast for the eyes, and another, a feast for the mind.

as promised...here are rosiehardy's photographs outlining the seven deadly sins (also known as capital vices or cardinal sins):

envy (latin, invidia)


greed (latin, avaritia)

gluttony (latin, gula)



lust (latin, luxuria)




pride (latin, superbia)




sloth (latin, acedia)





wrath (latin, ira)


what a way to end the month

i know that it's the onset of december and i should be done griping.

but i cannot.

last sunday on my way home to clark, i left my book on the bus. i had a couple of books with me that time. twisted 8 by jessica zafra, which by the way am so relieved to find inside my bag, and the claiming of sleeping beauty by anne rice, which i hoped i could re-read over the weekend. i am actually off on sunday and monday nights. monday does not really count as a day at the end of the week, but it is for me - in my own universe.



so yeah. i lost a book. i LOST a book. this is the first time something like this happened. and i am still in mourning. nosh did not know how to console or pacify me. neither did i. it's just all too tragic for me. i have never lost a book in my life. i've lent books to friends and some never found its way back to me but i am okay with that. at least i know that the ones who have my stuff are taking care of them.

i am a little depressed. for Christ's sake! that book is as old as me. i got it when i was in college but it was first published in 1983. i know i can always get myself another copy...but there is something about losing a book and not knowing whose hands it will fall on. i am not sure if that person will ever find it in his heart to appreciate the literature. and more than anything - it's an erotica - emphatically not for the faint hearted.

and what is more distressing is that the second and third book of anne rice' beauty series is sitting at home...and they have not the vaguest idea that their sister's not going to be there.

nosh told me that perhaps it is time that my book find its journey. i know we have to learn to let go of some things - it is one way for me to unclutter two of my already brimming bookshelves. but i wish i knew that the next person to read it would take the time to consider what is written - and to keep an open mind about it.

anyone who would attempt to read the entire book would die of exhaustion and dehydration - from sweating too much. you know what i am talking about.
 

anais nin

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

t.s. eliot

i should have been a pair of ragged claws.

frida kahlo

i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return.