eros the bittersweet

another year for all of us

So last January 24th, I took a vacation leave – the rest of The Femme Fetales had planned to convene for the occasion of Mumai’s and Louie’s birthday. In short – they, Mumai and Louie, planned to give themselves a surprise birthday party. Wahaha.

It was the first time it happened. I was late. I was fashionably late. What happened was that I took a nap, with all the intention of waking up at 7pm so I can travel back to Manila (I was in Clark at that time). I overslept. Like 4 hours. So I got to Cherry’s house at around 1225am. Louie and Edge weren’t there anymore but I made it a point to raise my shot glass for both of them.

By the time I got there, Mumai and Ara were already inebriated – but I promised Mumai that I’d drink as much (we were ‘chugging’ tequila) when I get there. So I did. I wasn’t able to finish the pasta that Mumai served me because I wanted to drink right away. Wahahah.

It was a very interesting night. Aside from it being a Femme Fetales reunion, two of the people whose blogs I have been reading the past few months were also there – Kristine and VInz. It’s nice to finally be able to put a face to the name.

As usual, when I get ‘shocked’ or when I get too enthusiastic about a particular event, I couldn’t write right away. So I had to wait a few days and let everything we have discussed sink in before making an attempt to translate all the things that I have heard, discovered and contemplated upon into words.

We listened all night to Sarah McLachlan (for the most part) – which sort of made the atmosphere a little…gloomy…but of course Josane and Ara were there to keep everyone entertained with their antics.

Being with the girls – Mumai, Ara, Josane and Tin (an honorary member of The Femme Fetales) and boy – Vinz – made me realize how much I miss hanging out with people who allow others to just be themselves.

I stayed up late. Really late. Mumai took a nap, Ara took a nap, Josane took a nap – they all woke up and I was still alive and kicking. I suppose that was my way of ‘catching up’ with my friends – or with anyone who’s lucid and would like to talk to me at that time. Wahaha.

What came as a surprise was that despite the fact that I have known all 3 of them (Mumski, Josane, Ara) for over 9 years – we never seem to run out of things to talk about – regardless if one or all of us were half-awake. That, I know, is one of the trademarks of a lasting friendship. For some reason we never got tired of telling each other stories (some of which have been repeated in different occasions the last few years), drinking the same brand of tequila, eating whatever is available (take note: in between tequila shots, I munched on Lays, rocky road ice cream and drank RC cola), using kalamansi as substitute to lemon or lime, we never got exhausted of laughing at the same jokes – stuff then happened back in college – and most of all, they never ceased to amaze me. Cherry wasn’t there but she did make a ‘phone patch’ that morning to check how everyone was. Well…everyone was…either drunk or still in bed. Wahaha.

Kristine and Vinz were also very candid – which I think is an understatement. Well – they are their blogs – they are what they write. It’s so nice to be in the company of people who are driven (to write) by the same insane things – love lost, relationships that fade without any caution, people who baffle and consume others. And I know, yeah, sometimes in the middle of our conversation, one of us would realize that too much information has been given and…well…we sort of just let each other be.

Thank you guys! Looking forward to another session – drinking, coffee, food, pot, tattoo session – you name it. I’ll be there.

I did sign the ‘covenant’ to be there this May, right?

savage light | poem six

how long does it
take to get
to your arms,
to sink in your
embrace,
to lie in your
bed and beside
your body,
to gaze at
your eyes…


a race of
seconds, movements,
synapses.

savage light | poem five

figures overlapping in
dreams
desires embraced
in nothingness
chasing the light
from the darkness
within


i find myself
desperate
to taste your
silence.

savage light | poem four

secrets revealed
weaknesses confessed
insanity professed


by the unaltered,
unashamed me


before the altar
that is you.

savage light | poem three

the sunsets
the moonbeams
the cotton clouds
the rain showers


will never
do.

savage light | poem two

dancing in
the cadence of
your voice
swimming softly
through the rainbows
of your touch
speaking furtively
of our dreams
and tomorrows
gently embracing
the sweet,
tangled,
vines of your
body.

savage light | poem one

the brevity of darkness
and intensity of light
the shadow that swallows
my fear, hiding, cloaking
the emptiness inside
your hands seek the
colour of my eyes
your fingers traverse
the lonesomeness
long gone…




savage light: is a compilation of poems and is one of the presents i gave my wife on her 27th birthday. it was also the reason why i wasn't able to write much on my blog :)

happy birthday, Mine

Let me gather your love on the shore of my belief.

a moment

i hold this moment, to tell you that i am taking a great leap of faith to follow what i want in this existence. and all i want, earnestly, is you ~ to love you, to take care of you, to desire you.

i know that i will keep going back to this moment ~ when it all became clear to me that i want for you to be in my life...until i am old, until i am unable to comprehend a lot of things ~ because i know by that time the only memory i will be left with is when you followed me, and i took that leap of faith to love again.

feed the hungry

i am halfway done with salman rushdie's the enchantress of florence. i had to put the book down sometimes so i can watch videos at home. anyway, here's a line from the book that i want to share with you:


if she was a meaning
i would have meant her.




i'm dead.

mumai...i found this in my inbox :)

this is for you mumai - thank you for your unwavering faith in our friendship. thank you for 9 great years (and counting!)


From: Mai Lyte Lopez [mailto:mailyte.lopez@pioneer.com.ph]
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2006 10:27 PM
To: Teresa.Salvador
Subject: Re: reasons

Dear Pot,

Whatever you revealed the other night would be kept unless you wanted so otherwise. And no, you did not spoil the night because of what you did. Somehow, moments like those are the ones that make a difference in our friendship. What we shared made us closer than we were when we got to your place and made that night more special than it already is. I was deeply affected about what you had to go through but now I also know that there is a much deeper reason behind you being a strong and determined person.

Remember that I'll always be here for you. There may be times when you feel I'm nonexistent. There may be times when you feel that I don't care. There may even be times that it would seem I'm too busy with my life that I can't accommodate you. When you feel this, bear in mind that for you guys, I'll never be busy and I'll never be indifferent.

Last night, although I haven't really slept for more than 36 hours, the conversations we had kept popping in my mind. I just felt that what each of us went through had made us more at peace with ourselves knowing that the next obstacle that we have to face will not be of much different from the last one and will not be much harder. There's nothing in this world that can break us. After all, like you said, we've been through hell and back. It's just that we have different hells thus having various tolerance for pain (now, it's much clearer to me why you had such tolerance for anything painful). And for as long as we're together as friends (more than that actually), we all know tomorrow's not so unknown anymore. Let's just create our own heaven in this hell. ;-)

Love you always,
Mumai
----- Original Message -----
From:
Teresa.Salvador
To:
Mai Lyte Lopez
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 1:17 AM
Subject: reasons

Dear Mumai,

There are a lot of reasons why I am writing this. Thank you for being there last February 14, not only to celebrate the ‘singles awareness day,’ but also to hear out whatever mess and confusion that I shared with you. And like what I said, there never would be a perfect time to unveil my history…and I apologize if I actually spoiled our ‘drinking spree.’ But I am relieved now, more than ever, because one of the few people whom I really trust (with my life) is aware of it, and I know that there is nothing that we cannot accept about one another. I appreciate you listening to me and without you saying it; I am assured you’d graciously keep my story in your heart. I am no longer terrorized by that person, but that past is of course, the reason why I am who I am today. I am old enough to protect myself, and I know now, that a lot of you will be protecting me too. And I thank you for that. So now you will realize and believe that I have my own reasons, I have deeper reasons that I know not too many people will understand, or will even ‘attempt’ to look beyond. Yes, I have been through hell and back, and I emerged bruised, scathed…beaten, but never broken. But at the end of it all, we all are capable of creating a hell out of our heaven, or a heaven out of our hell. I hope in time I’ll master that.
Anyways, thank you for being there always. Love much.

Imani


ten random things about me

here are some of the things my closest friends and my family may or may not know about me.
  1. i have an AB+ blood type - i share the same blood type with only one person in my family - my father, and he has been gone over eleven years.
  2. i have a penchant for all things black.
  3. i lose myself to and reveal myself through writing. I find myself in books.
  4. i am allergic to crustaceans and i get hives when the weather is too hot or too cold. lately, the only thing that rid me of my hives would be a shot of benadryl. somehow the capsules don't work anymore.
  5. i had rollerblades when i was 11 years old. i lost my virginity because of my bike when i was nine - the breaks did not work and the bike sped downhill. the next thing i know i was on the ground and you probably know what happened.

  6. my favorite book as a child was charles dickens' 'the christmas carol.'
  7. we do not have a family picture. my sisters and i would have a photograph with either my mom or my dad but never all of us together. it was sad at first then i resolved to thinking that perhaps one of them was always taking the picture.
  8. i come from a family wherein most of us have hispanic names (my last name, salvador is actually portuguese, while my middle name, cruz is spanish - so i suppose that makes me one-fourth of each) - my dad is ernesto romeo, my mom is federica, my sisters - jasmin and monica; i have cousins whose names are maria theresa, ana cecilia, rodolfo jr., federico II, angelo ricardo, paulo ricardo (then we have a number of maria's in the family) - maria angelica, maria mirasol, maria cristina, maria lea - then there is aurora, ireneo, mario, milagros; my neice and nephews' names are ana isabelle, miguel and angelo, also known as botchok.
  9. my bladder problem started when i was in high school - when i would eat a big bag of jack and jill's tortillos and drink coca-cola when i review my notes from class each night. i made my mom cry when she found out that i was sick.
  10. i was born 29th of june, at around 8 o'clock in the morning, it was a wednesday in 1983. my mom had an extreme liking for cucumber and queso de bola when she was pregnant with me (which, i think, explains my pale, yellowish skin). i share the same birthday with maria of aragon (born 1482), antoine de saint-exupéry (born 1900) and nicole scherzinger (born 1978). so maybe one time or another i was a queen of portugal, a french writer and a pussycat doll. american actress katherine hepburn died on the same day, in 2003.

when it rains

i open my hands
to enclose your face inside
i open my eyes
and turn the lights off
to bit by bit
slide down your spine
to fall, glide and hide
under the covers
and deep into you
where the water is
still and the stars
in your universe
are undraped by my touch
here i am
attempting to conceal
the burning desire
to take you in
and let you begin
the dance, make you
feel every inch of my
skin that throbs,
every string of my breath
that lingers
on all the corners
of your mind
wanting nothing
but me.

silent summon

strangely at this
very moment
i will lose myself
to you...
like i always have,
in my dreamland
where our
rendezvous
is my reprieve
i imagine you
closer to me now...
parched in my
consciousness
is the lingering
trace of yourbeing
infusing my atmosphere
with your
pristine promises,
our passion in
midmorning,
and i behold my hopeful contentment
to lastly see you
weaving the air
of entangled memories
with your delicate
fingertips
and your inflamed touch,
the blazing light
burning my tears,
wash my soul
with your healing
spiritas it wanders through the
boundless,
like the incandescent
stars
giving life to the night
where even with my eyes closed
i could see
through you
and you could
make me fall,
in the death of my senses
i feel your presence
like anascending fire...
enslaved by
these words,
you move me.

the last time i and you*

was when we were bathed by the
sunset, and the memory of that
instant thrives in this constant
longing, to fabricate experiences
of you and i, dismantled completely
the last time was when
i, my fragile body, shaken,
delicate, vulnerable, in limbo,
in silence...the deafening silence
of your words without meaning
without fervor,
but i lie here for you, beloved,
waiting for your eyes to search
for mine, and your hands
to touch what you have
not before, eras ago...
where in some lonely place
i found a night, seeing
myself, blinded and
fated to surrender, to release
to be possessed and owned
at the same time
to succumb to one quiet
sunset, and rest for the
last time i and you.

*a photograph taken by carla marie freed

pensively

pensively
i am thinking
of the
thousand
rainy afternoons
we spent
drenched
divinely
gray clouds
fading
you hold me
closer
i could feel
your heart
and your heavy breathing
i touch your
warm lips
and it is all
i want
you are all
there is
for me
and a thousand
words
for hours
spent
pensively.

limbo

stirring this time
frozen, unmoving
bound to the infinite
yonder where miracles
linger with reality
and i feel your hands
taking me ~ the silence
unbroken and breaking
all and nothing
passing and regretting
fear drowning the light
sadness taking flight
until i no longer
exist and i have ceased
then my words rise
to the highest and
preaches: 'waiting for
life to break in and
conquer death that
created me.'
consuming, ever-fleeting
craving what's forgotten
failing and believing
wondering of the moments
lost and struggling
under the mercy of
dying before breathing.

firelit

and so i inhale you
like smoke,
the intoxication rises
from my mouth
to my consciousness
murmurs unsilenced
in my desolation
wanting youever more
the waves breaking,
crashing amidst
sand and stones
i feel my heart
sinking to let you in
again
i light another fire
and wait for you
patiently
i see you coming...
but do i let you?

this made my eyes water...

i haven't exactly been able to write on my blog a lot this month. i was working on something for someone for two weeks and i finished writing it a couple of days back.

anyway, early this morning, i checked postsecret.com and i found something that truly is the gem (for today) in my bleak monday morning:




-----Email Message-----

Sent: Sunday, January 18, 2009 1:04 PM

Subject: she said yes!

Frank,

Sorry for not letting you know a little sooner. We have both been calling our family and friends since it happened. It all went down around 10:30 this morning. After getting out of bed, I grabbed the ring from where I had been hiding it for nearly two months. Being my birthday, I just finished opening my presents from my girlfriend. I then got the laptop out to check the weather, and we started to look at the secrets.

I was actually very nervous/excited as we scrolled down the page. As we got to it, my girlfriend asked what the card above ours was a picture of. I was somewhat concerned she had already seen ours, but she hadn't. I then scrolled down to our card. She was looking at the card for a while, and then looked at me. At the time, she was wondering if that was really our cat or not.

I then reached into my pocket, took out the ring box, and got down on one knee. Before I even asked, she kissed me. She was crying, and my eyes also started to tear up. I then took her hand and asked her to marry me. Her answer was yes!!! I then had to go into a discussion of how it all came to be. She was definitely surprised by the date of the proposal as well as my method of proposing. Frank, I would like to thank you again for your agreeing to do this.

It couldn't have been better. The date is set for March 13, 2010 .





to the person who sent these postcards - i am not sure if you will be able to ever read this, but i wish you the best and more than anything - follow your bliss.

understatement

this woman is just amazing. i don't suppose even that word would suffice.
named catherine elise blanchett, cate was born in ivanhoe, a melbourne (australia) suburb. she described herself to be 'part extrovert, part wallflower.' (which calls to mind...the wallpapers!!! right mumai, chi, louie, ara and jos?) :)

by the time she was completing her secondary education, she explored her passion for acting - but it was not until 1992 when she finished her studies at the national institute of dramatic arts (still in australia) and started a serious career in theatre. cate is not only a thespian but also is a ballerina - hope you guys saw her in 'the curious case of benjamin button' - my all time favorite.

she has a number (a great number actually, considering she began making movies only in the mid-90's) of films under her belt - to mention a few: elizabeth, the talented mr. ripley, pushing tin, the gift, the shipping news, notes on a scandal (i love this one), the missing, veronica guerin and the aviator (where she potrayed katherine hepburn and won herself an academy award for best actress in a supporting role - and this is (i think) because of the complexity of her character. this is one of her films in which i know she is not only 'in character' in front of the camera but also becomes the character - she spoke like katherine hepburn and beautifully executed even the slightest of katherine's nuances and idiosyncracies).

cate was already famous when she was offered the role of the high elf queen galadriel in the lord of the rings trilogy - but doing this movie certainly gave her a more permanent niche in the industry.

well, elf or no elf, cate has proven herself as a force to reckon with - i think it is inevitable praise her acting even when the movie itself is bad. way to go cate! :)

i'm on a diet


a cate blanchett movie diet, that is :)










kismet

‘I was born under unusual circumstances’ – and so The Curious Case of Benjamin Button unfolds…

But I could not bring myself to write anything right after seeing it. It felt like it would all be a big – I don’t know – some sort of blasphemy or sacrilege or something. I knew that I must first feel everything, contemplate upon what I have seen and heard and understood, atom by atom, fiber by fiber.

It was just all too good to look at. All nine thousand nine hundred seconds of it.



I saw ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ yesterday. And until this very moment I am speechless. I really do not know what else to say about the movie, except that it is magical.

For two hours and forty-five minutes, my eyes were glued to the silver screen. It was not the typical story. Thank God it wasn’t.

Brad Pitt plays Benjamin Button, a man born with a peculiar disease – as a baby, he looks like an 80-year old man and carries in him a number of maladies that can only be seen in old – and dying – people. As a child he was blind from cataract and was in the advanced stage of rheumatism.

Daisy was brought to life by the captivating actress Cate Blanchett. I’d say Daisy lead a pretty ‘normal’ life, but when the two protagonists met – everything in both their lives took a strange turn.

Benjamin’s disease caused him to age backwards. The older he got, the younger he looked – at least on the outside. But this peculiarity did not hinder both of them to find love in each other.

If you haven’t seen the movie – please, make it a point that you watch it today. As I mentioned earlier – it wasn’t a conventional story – I do not want to simply categorize it as a ‘love story’ – as I know the movie attempted to present something deeper or more sublime than that and has actually succeeded in it.

I guess what I love about the story is the truth that the characters might have been doomed from day one but they went on and risked everything in their lives to share a love and to share as much time they can with each other. Perhaps a higher power was controlling what was happening to them, winding the hands of the clock back for these two love stricken individuals – they were in the same moment but their bodies – and their lives – were moving the conflicting directions.

There was a part in the movie when both Benjamin and Daisy were in the middle of their lives, he was 49 and she was 43 – they looked at themselves in the mirror – and Daisy said: ‘We finally met.’ And something struck me – we are looking at two people who have loved each other for as long as they can both remember, who were, by some wicked twist of fate – intended to share only that brief moment in their lives when neither of them were consumed by their fears of aging – or its reversal, for that matter.

Love is fortified by faith. Faith is betting on the most important thing in your life with your last cent. To love is to have faith in the other person and to have faith in the other person entails risking each day – all because you know that such a commitment would require having to fall in love with the same person over and over again – having to renew that love, that passion, that fire every single time you wake up.

These characters were star-crossed, ill-fated, tested by misery, but they did not succumb to their limitations nor did they let themselves be defeated by the inevitable. They redeemed, liberated and saved each other. Benjamin and Daisy had a child together, named after Daisy’s grandmother, Caroline. This fact was revealed to Caroline (played by Julia Ormond) only when she read Benjamin’s journal to her ailing mother.

Daisy died shortly after hearing the entries on the journal, hearing Benjamin’s words. Years back, Benjamin, on the other hand, has gone back to being a child, and died in Daisy’s arms. They have endured a lifetime filled with anguish and questions. In the end they found the certainty and answers in each other.

Alfred Lord Tennyson once said: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Truly, there are things in our lives that transcend both time and space, there are truths that will remain long after we have passed away. Love is the same – regardless of which side or angle one sees it from, it is the same, regardless of our age.



More than anything, I think that it is not the moment that leads us to the person that we love the most – it is the person who guides us to that precise moment in our lives we will keep and cherish and remember – it is the one we love more than anything on this Earth that makes and will make everything stop – and make that brief second last an eternity.

the woman called eva

since last week i have been asking people at work if they have ever seen 'casino royale,' the 2006 installment to ian flemming's james bond. not a lot did. so it was inevitable that i answer their 'whys?' and i would always mention this particular conversation between james and vesper:

(this is what i recall from the scene after our james bond was tortured)

vesper: you know james...if all that was left of you was your smile and your little finger, i would still think of you as a man more than anybody i know...

james leans to our beguiling bond girl and says:

james: that is because you know what my little finger could do.

now even i am curious of what his little finger could do. wahahaha.




so i have seen casino royale again at least twice for the past week. i thought it was because of daniel craig - he is one beautiful man and he looks naked even when he is clothed from head to toe. but then i realized it was because i had a bigger crush on eva green, the actress who plays vesper lynd - the girl who broke - and ulimately made - james bond.




turns out our girl eva (born eva gaelle green) is also a model and has posed for christian dior. she is a french actress with a fraternal twin sister, she's born to an author/actress mother and a dentist father. so that explains her perfect teeth. ehehe. she was born - darn it - on july 5, 1980 - a fellow cancerian (i want to call her and tell her it's time for some bonding session). she plays the piano and once wrote the score for a movie she also starred in. she has received a BAFTA (the british oscar) recognition for her role in casino royale. and she's only 28 years old.





i have never really been a big james bond fan (though i love sean connery - there really is just something about older men), but what i love about the way eva green executed her role as vesper lynd was how she made drowning in front of a guy who is madly in love with her look so good. vesper was the reason why james bond wanted to quit and why he became our tragic (stilll scorching hot, though) spy. that's some acting. and i mean it. in hollywood where dumb blonds get to be in more movies than really serious, talented actors - seeing eva green in casino royale is really, a breath of fresh air - she is sophisticated and stunning. and she tore james' heart apart.

a morning in mandaluyong

i do not know about you guys, but the title sounds a little funny to me.

i don't understand how it became so suddenly, unexpectedly, incredibly cold in manila lately - or at least in mandaluyong.

the airconditioning in our office, which usually makes my body so stiff i start feeling like android sometimes (you see working in that kind of situation makes me feel and look more 'mechanical') has began to feel more like a nice, comfortable house with a little fireplace - compared to the temperature outside our building.

last january 4th, i went out for a break and i swear the air was perhaps several degrees below 20 - as all the tiny little nerves on my face broke - that second i knew that people around me could mistake me for a stressed-out vampire kept awake not by blood but by caffeine.

there was a point i started worrying that because of the cold, my boogers will turn to icicles (would be cuter if they'd look like snowflakes), impair me of my sense of smell and prevent me from breathing altogether. the truth is, i just think it is unfair. for people like me at least.

you see, for the past few years, despite my unbelievably humongous appetite, i have remained, steadily at a hundred pounds. i am not sure why. my bosses have, to some extent, concluded that it is either that i am anorexic or weirder - diabetic. blame it on genetics. but, i would have to say, that i am thankful to my mom and dad for their excellent genes i never worried about dieting and am relieved i never have to suffer the ill effects of dieting.

that morning when i went out for a breather, i was with one of my friends - ryner - and i could just imagine what the poor guy must be going through when he muttered a line from the movie simon birch: 'it is so cold my balls are turning into marbles!' wahahah. i had to let out a fiendish laughter.

i think i consumed half of my chapstick that morning. i had to - lest i want for my lips to chap and for its skin to flake and for me to ultimately not be able to talk. this weather is driving me insane. how do you imagine i keep myself warm - even my jacket and muffler are useless. the fact is i do not have enough body fat to keep me from getting hypothermia! i bet it makes me look so pale and lifeless that if i would have a coronary, people will not actually notice anything different.

i am not ready for this kind of weather. if i wanted cold i would go to baguio - but the thing is i was just in baguio three weeks ago. i do not suppose anyone is ready for this kind of weather. even the 'healthier,' 'fleshier,' people at work are going ballistic, arguing that they cannot stand the weather because they do not have a jacket on. i wanted to scream at them - i HAVE a jacket on and it's not helping me!

you know what, i think it's really just plain global warming. the sudden change in temperature. we are a tropical country. i would understand why it is so cold in baguio - for christ's sake it's in the mountains - but manila? mandaluyong? it has been so chilly the past few days even the smog is cold. the smog is supposed to trap the freaking heat. having said that i just realized that we can actually vie for a spot on the guiness book of world records - with manila being the biggest greenhouse on the face of the planet. global warming is scary especially when i know i never really used 'spraynet' growing up. i have never cut a tree in my life. i know i kill ants for fun but that is beside the point.

okay. i think i have done enough ranting here. let me just fix myself a cup of coffee.

the first for the year

I had my first cup of Starbucks coffee (my favorite blend – white chocolate mocha, make that extra hot please) with my best friend since time immemorial – MONETTE.

We had a blast. I actually think that i should have not used the phrase 'we had a blast,' - because thinking about the time that we spent with each other - that phrase is just inadequate. It was a freakin’ bomb. Well, a lot of juicy stuff was mentioned during our conversation – we hung out around 6 hours. WOW.

As I may have mentioned in my previous posts – Monette has been my best friend and my sister from another mother since we were in high school. Sophomore year, specifically. So that basically means we have known each other for 12 years – a realization that never ceases to make me feel so ancient. But as we both have said – we feel young but we know we have gained so much insight about life throughout the years. And I am really proud of that. I am proud of the people we have become.

So we met at around 130 pm. I initially waited for her Starbucks, the one sitting in front of Citibank building in Paseo de Roxas. It was waaayyy after my shift so you could just imagine - I looked like i just came from Hades, which was the slightly the truth - the day I had at work was just impossible, but allow me to exclude you - my 2 faithful readers - from the agony and misery - I do not suppose I would feel such profound joy recounting the stuff that I had to do at work.

So I was wearing my shades, not for the fear that people will judge me because my eyes look dead, but because I was happy - I was meeting my best friend and the sun - my sun - was shining so high up the sky my eyes started to hurt. I guess it was happy too. Then I saw a figure manifest on the mirror. I stood up and turned to her direction, an exclamation issued from my lips. Holy expletive. I ran to her and have her a hug. She has become thinner and my hair has become a lot shorter since we last saw each other – which was I think when we celebrated her birthday. She was startled when she saw my haircut and I immediately debunked whatever notion she might have formed in that beautiful brain of hers and told her that: ‘I just felt like getting a haircut – I am not depressed!’ Wahaha.

After about thirty seconds, I told her the sad news: 'They do not have a loo in this branch. We have to go somewhere else where I can empty my bladder.' Because I was sure we'd talk and drink coffee and talk some more. So we walked for a few minutes and repaired to yet another branch of Starbucks Coffee - in Pearl Drive (hope I got that right) - just beside the Old Spaghetti House. She bought us coffee and I ordered a couple of cinammon swirls. My brain was turning into soup because of hunger and I knew I had to get my sugar fix really fast.

Darn – I am trying to gather all the bits and pieces we spoke about last night and I suddenly feel like I am in my high school chemistry class – cramming for the quarterly exam. Jesus.

Basically we spoke about her most recent break up. I won’t reveal the name of the ‘being’ as I want to spare her from ever seeing it on my blog – I am scared of wounding her even more than she already is. She has emerged to drown (again) and has scribed an ambigram of the word ‘faithful’ on her right wrist – and all my love, hope and faith goes out to her. When I saw her newest tattoo I was reminded of that time in my life I had nothing to hold on to but my faith – hence I etched an ambigram of ‘faith’ on my left waist. I remember that when I was in college, I wrote about my friendship with Monette and I mentioned that she and I always have been ‘parallels’ – we think alike and we feel what the other one is and must be feeling without having to say so much. Seeing her yesterday affirmed that belief and I honestly feel like I have just been saved.

The thing with Monette and myself is that we might not see each other often or communicate (there are certainly a number of ways to make that happen now) a lot but when we do meet we are always able to pick up where we left off. I guess some things never really change.

We talked about a gazillion other things – books, traveling, the people back in high school (our classmates' funny nicknames and our terror teachers), the fact that we have so much respect for mathematics and we both have resolved to understanding that it is one language we are not really good at, the girl sipping her coffee in another table who probably had about a pound worth of foundation on her face she looks like Lestat (the only regret there, i hope the anonymous girl reads this - is that tom cruise is prettier), love lost and regained, defining oneself in the midst of a very tumultuous breakup, loving who we are in spite of the mistakes that we have made – and what makes everything different this time is the fact that we are both growing (a little) older and growing up.

I told Monette that I haven’t been able to write poetry in a long while – because the thing with us is that we cannot really come up with anything unless we are really, really sad or when we are on the brink of suicide. We have to induce pain to write. Aside from tattoos – we’re masochists that way.

Before I said good bye to her last night, I realized that I wouldn’t want to spend the last 12 years of my life any other way – that is because I have her and she always have seen through me and have loved me not despite of but because of my flaws. We appreciate each other not because of the things that we can do flawlessly but because of the things that make us different – the things that separates us from the rest.

we took this photograph of ourselves sometime in 2004 or 2005
starbucks intramuros

Truly, there can’t be a better elixir than the friendship that she has given me, than the love and support we have offered each other over the years.

And for you, Monette, my dearest - I know we both have been 'lost' at some point in our lives, but I am sure that you will find your way back - for not all wanderers are aimless. I love you.


written january 3, 2009
 

anais nin

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

t.s. eliot

i should have been a pair of ragged claws.

frida kahlo

i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return.