eros the bittersweet

on being 26

first off - i survived a quarter life crisis. i am still alive!!!

secondly - i know that life is going to be very interesting and exciting. if it doesn't...then i will make sure it gets interesting and exciting.

this afternoon, i got my 7th tattoo. hello pain...and itch :)


coming and going

Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find myself thinking of something else, and then I’ll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It happened before; it will happen again I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone is about to arrive.
excerpt from 'the zahir'
by paulo coelho

je t'aime

this was the poem reich sent me earlier...


You shall above all things

you shall above all things be glad and young

For if you're young, whatever life you wear

it will become you; and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on; and his mind take off time

that you should ever think, may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies, the foetal grave
called progress, and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

e.e. cummings

surprises

life indeed is full of surprises. this week's been pretty hectic but i appreciate the fact that there are things that still take my breath away.
  • my friend reich gave me another notebook - she specifically mentioned that it's meant for my poems. thank you, sweetie, for your ceaseless encouragement.
  • last sunday i attended botchok's PTA meeting. wow. i am just in awe.
  • this is not a good thing though: botchok's pet, fishy, met its untimely demise. reason? murky waters, i suppose. i was flabbergasted to see the teeny tiny aquarium we got him sitting in the corner of our kitchen. huhuhu.
  • the next entry is insane: earlier, i had to scour the entire office for tissue paper. i finally found some on the third floor. then i discovered something even weirder: one of the cubicles do not have a door. so would you rather not have tissue paper or not have a door while you pee?! wahaha.
  • reich sent me an e.e. cummings poem for my birthday. two birthday gifts. :)
  • i re-read some of my journals yesterday and i am thankful for all the years you've been in my life.
  • wonders and miracles come in a lot of different forms. and i am excited see all the other 'gifts' in the next few days.

rabindranath tagore

Unending Love

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times...
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.


Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.


You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.


Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours -
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

Rabindranath Tagore

audrey hepburn

To kill time and boredom (no, actually let me use a more ‘apt’ term – it would be ‘to slaughter’) the last couple of days, I saw as many movies of Audrey Hepburn as I could. I think about a month back, I stumbled upon a fake (for the nth time) DVD of most of the movies that Audrey did. As you would imagine – yes, I am talking about those 24-in-1 DVDs. Ahahaah.

Seeing her movies again made me remember spending my Sunday afternoons with my dad as a kid. My dad was a huge cinephile and we had a whole lot of fun watching old, classic movies – some of which were: Marjorie Morningstar, An affair to Remember, Casablanca, Dial M for Murder, From Here to Eternity - and of course – Ms. Hepburn’s films. I remember my aunt sending us VHS cassettes from the States so we could watch all these nice movies – back then we did not have cable TV – whether paid for or illegally connected ahahaha.

I saw Love in the Afternoon, where Audrey was paired with Gary Cooper – an enchanting little story about a reserved, quiet lady falling for a rich, debonair womanizer. Audrey is Ariane Chavasse, the daughter of a private eye whose past time is playing cello and rummaging through her dad’s files. She discovers that a man, Frank Flannagan (Gary Cooper’s character) is about to be shot by one of her father’s disgruntled clients – so she rescues him, pretending to be his paramour and eventually falling in love with him.



My Fair Lady is a lovely musical filmed in 1964, the inspiration for this film is George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. Audrey plays a character somewhat different from her personality – Eliza Doolittle is a loudmouth Cockney flower girl whose shrilling blabber annoys just about everyone – except for Rex Harrison’s Professor Higgins - who passionately teaches Eliza to properly say ‘The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain’ and gives her a makeover that sure will make all men swoon.


When I woke up Tuesday morning, I watched Two for the Road, a movie directed by Stanley Donen – a non-linear and creative movie about a couple going through a mid-life crisis. Audrey and Albert Finney play Joanna and Mark Wallace. There were rumors that Audrey and her co-star had an affair during filming. During this time, Audrey’s marriage to fellow actor Mel Ferrer was already on the rocks. Two for the Road remind me so much of ‘The Story of Us’ (with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer) – it shows different eras of the couple’s relationship – and how love and patience and understanding truly can revive that which they think has died and waned - and the fact that marriage is not just about loving the person for what he/she is but for what he/she will become.




Last but not the least, I saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It is my favorite, among all of Audrey’s movies. The story is quirky, Holly Golightly definitely is a force to reckon with – born as Lula Mae Barnes, she escaped the laid-back life in Texas and went to New York where she transformed herself into a smart, stylish socialite. Holly became an iconic character in American Cinema, but in one of her interviews, Audrey confessed that the role was the ‘jazziest of her career,’ and since she’s an introvert, she mentioned that playing an extrovert character was the hardest thing she ever did. Her chemistry with actor George Peppard was unquestionable. He was terrific as Holly’s ‘Fred’ and pseudo boytoy and writer Paul Varjak (V-A-R-J-A-K). The story is based on Truman Capote’s novel of the same title – only that in the book, Holly is really a – how should I put this – a whore. I suppose they tried to ‘reduce’ her character to someone who actually goes out with men but does it stylishly – as Audrey by then is already revered as a darling in Hollywood. In the movie, Audrey wore clothes that she and Hubert de Givenchy designed – the two would develop a lasting partnership and friendship and Audrey was often the muse for many of his designs.


I have been an Audrey Hepburn fan since I was in grade school – I remember buying a poster of hers (a picture taken shortly after she filmed Roman Holiday) and opening an email account called tiffany’sbreakfast@mailcity.com. To this day, she continues to be a wonderful inspiration – not only because of gamine and elfin appearance or for her widely acknowledged sense of chic but also for her humanitarian efforts and for leaving this generation with endearing and enduring classic films.



this was her photo on the poster i bought eons ago


Born Audrey Kathleen Ruston (May 4, 1929) in Belgium, she’s the only child of Briton Joseph Victor Anthony Ruston and Dutch baroness Ella van Heemstra. She was a proficient ballerina and also had a successful career as a thespian. In January 20, 1993, she succumbed to cancer, died and was interred in Vaud, Switzerland. She has often been called one of the most beautiful women of all time – and in my humble opinion – is the number one Hollywood fashion icon – unequaled, unparalleled, unrivaled.

furniture hunting

I met with Mumai yesterday (which means I have accomplished another item from my wishlist) and my God it was a very productive afternoon. She saw stuff that was cheap and looking at all the furniture made me want to get myself a TV stand soon.

We also talked about things that I would like to remember:

  • To oh-my-Gods
  • To getting married so you can see all your friends wear a dress. (What’s the motif, Mumai?!)
  • To getting wasted
  • To swinging both ways and getting stuck
  • To swinging both ways at the same time (Huh!?)
  • To things that last the entire night
  • To homing devices and bluetooths (blueteeth?! ehehe)
  • To things not in order
  • To slip of the tongues
  • To most of its
  • To progressions
  • To sourness
  • To the fact that if you have nothing more to talk about, you can always enjoy the coffee.

Thank you for an afternoon filled with laughter, wisdom and...to much sunlight! See you soon, love.

that's right!


monster...as in cookie monster...

COOKIE MONSTER SEARCHES DEEP WITHIN HIMSELF AND ASKS: IS MEREALLY MONSTER?

BY ANDY F. BRYAN

Me know. Me have problem.

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Meknow it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me haveweakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me seedisapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't standlooking in mirror-fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infestedwith crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don'tthink me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies toomuch. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No oneelse called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't reallymonster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. HerryMonster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?

Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since whenit acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, butwho in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychologicaldisorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and mepretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster,despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsivetendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover-oh, what his name?-Elmo! Yes,Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No,they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! Heunnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster?Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist-woolly mammoths extinct. His veryexistence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthyobsession, but me no monster.

No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Melove cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone hassomething they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me?Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious.Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.

Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Menot supposed to be able to even talk.

Me no eat cookies.

Me destroy cookies.

Me crush cookies.

Me mutilate cookies.

Me make it so no one get cookies.

Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.

found this on facebook...


take a bow, ladies!
the cast of the L word


i don't find your watchful

eyes and vengeful intent...

daunting at all.

something fishy

last friday, nosh and i took botchok with us to cartimar to get mommy orchids. botchok was asking me to buy him a puppy - which is of course, impossible (because i don't have the moolah) and impractical (because again, i don't have the moolah wahaha).

so just to make sure he won't go home empty handed - i bought him his first pet.

a fighting fish he decided to call 'fishy.'


so much for being creative with your pet's name, eh!? :)

winter wonderland

this is definitely the nth time i am ranting about the erratic weather.

just before i left work earlier, the scorching heat of the sun fried what's left of my poor brain - this was after staying beyond my shift and doing all the things i need to do.

and now, it's almost midnight and it is still humid.

makes me think of christmas...which begs the next couple of pictures wahahah



nosh and i didn't go to antartica to see polar bears - we were in gateway a couple of weeks back. there was a sale at rustan's but i am still unsure, up to now, if the bears were actually on sale too.

across the universe

one down!

this afternoon, nosh and i watched 'across the universe' - and i am just flabbergasted - in a very good way. i cannot even begin to sum up all the beautiful things that i saw in the movie.

the two main characters - jude (played by jim sturgess) and lucy (portrayed by evan rachel wood) were from different parts of the world - she lives in ohio, usa and he - in (where else!?) liverpool, england. the movie depicts how the choices of all the characters would allow for all of them to cross paths - the movie shows how even the smallest, insignificant chance we take can change the rest of our lives.

what i love about this movie is the fact that it is a feast for the imagination - it is colorful, poetic, upbeat and vibrant. julie taymor directed this movie back in 2007. she was also the director behind 'frida.' one of the many surprises in the movie were cameo roles from bono and salma hayek.

set against the turbulent middle '60's, 'across the universe' triumphs in showing the harsh reality of oppression due to color and race, the rawness and senselessness of war. but the best part is that despite these really significant issues, the film wasn't at all too 'dense' to understand - they used (as one would expect) some of the more popular songs done by the beatles and 'reinvented' the music to suit the movie's ingenuity and vivacity.


julie taymor, i would have to say, has really impressed me. she's consistent with her style and her creativity is just...boundless. she is so original, her ideas and the manner in which the movie was made is so fresh that i am sure it appeals to different kinds of people. she also made sure that the best songs we know of the beatles will be sung by only the best voices - their renditions were often heart wrenching, hair raising and simply authentic.

the movie keeps me smiling for it made me realize something - that despite being constantly surrounded by atrocity and hate, ALL WE NEED IS LOVE to keep hoping.

saktisangama tantra

woman is the creator of the universe, the universe is her form...
whatever form she takes, whether the form of a man or a woman,
is the superior form.
woman is the form of all things, of all that lives and moves in the world.
there is no jewel rarer than woman,
no condition superior to that of a woman.

tee corrinne

she learned to be
at home in her body,
to be her own best friend,
her favorite lover.

anais nin

and then it happened like a miracle, this pulsation of pleasure unequalled
by the most exalted musicians, the summits of perfection in art or science or wars,
unequalled by the most regal beauties of nature, this pleasure which transformed
the body into a high tower of fireworks gradually exploding
into fountains of delight through the senses.

wishlist

There’s about a couple more weeks left before I turn a year older. Usually (or unusually) each and every year just before my birthday, I get all too sullen, almost always in a manic-depressive mood. I am like a pendulum swinging wildly on opposite poles. That kinda makes me sound like I have bipolar condition. But that’s not the case – or at least I need to get myself diagnosed first before I start dishing out a press release wahaha.

Here are a few things I want to ‘accomplish,’ ‘gain’ or ‘achieve’ when I turn ‘26.’

  • Get a mandala tattooed on my right shoulder blade. Then I’ll get a sari to go with it.
  • Hopefully finish writing 26 poems for myself before my birthday.
  • See Monette as often as humanely possible.
  • Convene with The Doyens at least once a month – or whenever our crazy schedules would permit it. Note to self: Reply to the Doyen Emails.
  • Get a full body massage.
  • Go to the gym. Or swim. At least once a week.
  • More bonding moments with The Femme Fetales. More movie marathons and coffee sessions. A drinking spree will be greatly entertained.
  • Pray more. Feed my faith.
  • Love more and more and more.
  • For the umpteenth time – collect the rest of Neil Gaiman’s ‘The Sandman’ series.
  • Do not stop hunting for Jessica Zafra’s ‘Chicken Pox for the Soul.’ And dream she will one day publish another book. I miss reading her stuff.
  • Buy ‘The Ophelia Dimalanta Reader, Volume 1’
  • Save money.
  • Save myself from the pandemonium – I need to proceed with caution.
  • Continue buying my mom flowers.
  • Watch all the other DVDs I haven’t watched – I recently bought ‘Dogma’ and ‘Across the Universe.’ Sweet.
  • I would like to get another shelf – for my books and my movie collection. I have a penchant for keeping/stacking things. Maybe in my past life I was a librarian, or a mouse.
  • I want a TV stand. Mumai – let’s go to Libertad to scour for cheap furniture wahaha.
  • Mohawk! Mohawk! Mohawk!
  • Get my hair colored again – possibly a lighter shade of brown.
  • Sing ‘Rainy Days on Mondays’ on my birthday – because I don’t recall celebrating my birthday without an ounce of rain.
  • Guest in The Ellen De Generes Show. In my dreams.

crazy things you do when it's raining

tin, i just read your blog and 'discovered' you went to harbor square in the height of the storm.
the weather is driving me nuts - in all sense of the word. i get hives when it's too cold, so you could just imagine the effort that i have to make - seeing to it that i wear longsleeved polos and jackets at work. i feel i look like an overly-excited chiken right now, with all the blotches and goosebumps caused by the allergies.
i actually went to harbor square a couple of days back, i had lunch with two of my friends and had coffee...when everyone was expected to stay at home for fear of catching the H1N1 virus. but what the heck...we braved the rain and the wind and found ourselves sitting beside two Arab guys - one was really old and the other one really hot. as in scorching hot. only that i cannot understand what he's talking about.
made me want to yell 'habibi.' wahahaha.
by the way, thanks to lisa ray, i am a bollywood fan now. kewlness!

said emily dickinson...

eternity will be
velocity or pause.

i want

I want you to be the morning light to touch my cheeks when I open my eyes in the morning.
I want you to be the light that allows for my eyes to see in the darkness.
I want for your fragrant and delicate fingers to enkindle fire in my soul each time you touch it.
I want for your mouth to seek the warmth in mine, for your tongue to frolic through my skin as you taste it.
I want for your eyes to drape my body with mist as the rain would each time it trickles down our rooftop.
I want for your infinite laughter to envelop my flesh with longing and mystery.
I want for your smile to timidly hide beneath the corner of my palms as I reach for your face so that I can bring it closer.
I want for your body to linger to mine after we make love.
I want to be the air that you take in and let out.
I want to be the sunlight that fills your future with hope.
I want to be the rain that washes over your uncertainties.
I want to be the earth that your solemn feet would walk upon, each time you wander to search for yourself.
I want you to be the moon that rises and falls in my horizon.
I want you to be the bosom that cradles me to sleep.
I want you to be the flower that blossoms in my dreams eternally.
I want you to be the clouds that race through my skies.
I want you to be the wind that carries all my prayers.
I want you to be the life that fills my flesh.
I want you to be the one.

water

Monday night means ‘baratillo night’ in Clark. A baratillo is a flea market – where you can get cheap goods – from clothes and curtains even get ones that you can eat – street food like isaw (chicken entrails), sago’t gulaman and siomai. I got myself a DVD. It is a known fact that I go to Quiapo, or in this case, Clark to get fake DVDs – I know that piracy is a crime but thank God for piracy, we now have access to films that probably will never be shown in Manila, much less have their DVDs distributed here.

I saw the movie ‘Water’ (released in 2006) which starred Lisa Ray as the tragic Kalyani, Seema Biswas as Shakuntala and Sarala Kariyawasam as the child widow Chuyia. The movie was directed and written by Deepa Mehta and is the third installment in her elemental trilogy. It was preceded by Fire (1996) and Earth (1998). As the title would suggest, it pertains to something that never stands still – which in this case, would be the shift in ideology and emotions of two of the main female characters in the movie.


The film talks about a rather taboo subject in India – the treatment of the widows. According to the Sacred Texts, a woman only is left with three choices when her husband dies: she must burn with his remains, remarry his younger brother (with the family’s approval, of course) and lastly – live the remainder of life in self-denial. Because of this, the women are taken to ashrams (an institution for widows – which in this case would be found in Varanasi, a holy place for Hindu pilgrims, sitting in the left bank of the Ganges River), where they are supposed to atone for their sins which caused their husband’s demise. Sending them to the ashram would also mean alleviating the widow’s family of emotional and financial burden. The movie was set in 1938, when India was under the colonial rule by the British. Despite this, the locals were still following unchallenged hypocrisies mistaken as traditions. This was also the era when a man named Mohandas Gandhi dared to defy some of the country’s long standing customs.

Chuiya was taken to the ashram at a tender age of eight. During that time, it’s a commonplace in several parts of India to have a young girl married to an older man. Chuiya was convinced that her stay in the ashram will be temporary, but she’s almost immediately, sternly initiated into the life and ways of a widow by Madhumati (played by Manorama), the ruler of the house, where Chuiya was forbidden to enjoy any form of pleasure in life – including eating sweets and mingling with people outside of the ashram.


This forsaken place is where Chuiya meets the enigmatic yet isolated, Kalyani, a role impeccably portrayed by Lisa Ray – she is the only widow who hasn’t cut her hair – all for one reason – she’s secretly being taken to houses lying on the other side of the river, as a prostitute. Chuiya was instrumental to Kalyani’s desire to resist the injustice of being a widow, as she meets Narayan (played by John Abraham), who first became a friend to the young Chuiya. After the first meeting, Narayan immediately fell for Kalyani, and since he’s been educated in the city, his points of view are a bit more modern and does not believe that widows shouldn’t have the chance to find their happiness by remarrying.


Madhumati soon learns about the tacit connection between Kalyani and Narayan and all hell breaks lose in the ashram. Madhumati rushes to Kalyani’s secluded hut, shears her waist-length hair and locks her up until she ‘comes to her senses.’ Prior to this, Kalyani has confronted Madhumati why she cannot remarry, the latter said it will disgrace all the widows in the house to seven lifetimes of being reborn as jackals, but also said that she’s being ferried across the river for survival – making Kalyani their source of income.

Shakuntala breaks her silence and frees Kalyani, over the protest of other widows. As a quiet act of rebellion, Kalyani slowly walked out of the house, leaving everyone else speechless. She meets with Narayan and he asks her to marry her. When the two headed toward the other bank of the river, Kalyani recognized the portico and asked Narayan of his father’s full name. ‘Seth Dwarkanath,’ uttered Narayan. The sound of the name alone left Kalyani distressed and ordered him to turn the boat around, unable to mention the reason for her change of mind.

Narayan’s father revealed that he has used Kalyani as a prostitute. The lovers are now, so suddenly, apart and forlorn – Narayan storms out of the house. The next day, he arrives at the ashram to take Kalyani to Calcutta with him, only to be told that she drowned herself in grief the night before.

The next day, Chiuya was insisting to go home, Madhumati told her that by a hijra (eunuch) will take her to her parent’s house, only to send the poor, little soul to another house, making her the next prostitute for Narayan’s father. Shakuntala soon learns of this, and tried to rescue Chuiya from the misfortune, but she got to the shore in time for Chuiya’s return. The child was traumatized by the incident, Shakuntala was left with no other option but to wait by the shore until dawn so she can take her to the train station.

At the station, Gandhi was preparing to board the train, but before this, he left his countrymen a message: ‘For a long time, I believed that God is Truth, but now I know that Truth is God. The pursuit of truth is invaluable for me, I hope it’s the same thing for you.’

In an act of despair, Shakuntala runs along the train, asking people to take Chuiya with them and give her a new life. Narayan sees her and quickly grabs Chuiya. In a sense, Chuiya’s character is one that embodies reform and rebirth – as she is given the prospect of a better life outside Varanasi.


I have only seen Lisa Ray in ‘I Can’t Think Straight’ before I stumbled upon ‘Water.’ And though she was a lot younger in her work as Kalyani, she was luminous and she personified her role - and took long, grueling hours studying the widows in Varanasi (the film was filmed in Sri Lanka but Ray went to India months before to observe their behavior). It is through the significance of her character and its moral obligations that she moved to the forefront and captured the attention of the audience. She’s tragic yet she’s the hope for change, as she breaks the norm of the widow house. She gave her all in the performance and what was translated in the screen was an imperfect yet unsullied character that added to the dimension and depth of the movie.

Water’ is so compelling and immensely intriguing, that despite its heartbreaking quality, is emphatically one of the most lyrical movies I have seen in years. It was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film in 2007.

melancholia | poem nine

of comings
and goings;
beginnings
and endings;
laughter
and tears;
passion
and numbness;
creating
and regretting;
impossibilities
and eternities;
embracing
and parting;
all of you
and i.

finally

today i stop allowing you to think that you can haunt me.
 

anais nin

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

t.s. eliot

i should have been a pair of ragged claws.

frida kahlo

i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return.