'gogil' posted by imani , Monday, June 16, 2008 at 8:47 AM, in Labels: freefall

okay...

how should i begin this...

the guy behind me just blurted out the most hideous instruction i have ever heard:

'mag-search ka sa gogil...'

question is...

who is gogil? (like what my wife asked)

oddly enough, i also have another window open, looking for frank miller's book, 300. suddenly, my brain started to nag me and screamed - gorgo.

no, it wasn't gorgo the guy behind me was referring to. thank god. poor gorgo, if it was her...she did not wait a few hundred years to have someone murder her name.

well, in any case, i would say it was still murder.

poor google...misspelled...and mispronounced...by a nameless and faceless man who succeeded to raise his thoughtlessness to the level of genius.

immortal beloved, ludwig van beethoven posted by imani , at 8:45 AM, in

Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -
I can live only wholly with you or not at all -
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits -
Yes, unhappily it must be so -
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.
And yet my life in V is now a wretched life -
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men -
At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection?
My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once -
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell.
Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

black hole posted by imani , Wednesday, June 11, 2008 at 8:50 PM, in Labels: freefall

There it was. Right off of my best friend’s mouth.

You are a black hole.

And have perennially been one.

You are known to suck the energy of all those around you. Have you no shame? Have you no regard for the people whose lives are damaged because of what you do?

Have you no consideration for all those whom you have left in doubt, whom you have left with nothing else to come back to…except darkness?

I sometimes wonder how and if you are able to get a wink at night. I wonder how you can be so full of yourself.

Well it is a known fact. Life is not fair, and never will be. Too bad you are in this (particularly my) lifetime.

But all of that which we experience is time bound. It is your destiny to ruin me for anybody else.

You are an impossibility.

You are a black hole of hotness.

inertia posted by imani , at 2:52 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

when at midnight
the haze turns into fire,
a sudden
glance touches my
soul and i feel you
near me,
too much
it all burns and
hurts ~ and here
i am, wishing it's
true
now in the quiet
and injustice of
the day that ended,
the light that faded
i catch the stars
falling, the tears
flowing as my heart descends
in this inertia
give it a moment~
or two and
i know i will
find my heart
beating wildly
for such intangible
beauty.

sunset posted by imani , at 2:51 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

hues drift in silence,
the horizon closing in
our space between.

more like myself posted by imani , at 2:49 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

this envious thought
keeps me fascinated
and wondering
how some girls
stand like empty
wild flowers facing
the midnight gloom
with their bodies
almost perfect
yet their souls
lifeless
and in a second
i am reminded
my beauty shines
forth and further
unafraid and
complete,
more like myself.

hello, i am sleepless posted by imani , Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 11:28 PM, in Labels: freefall

I am armed with nothing but an hour's worth of sleep and a soul brimming of love and desire for you…well that actually sound like a lot already. It’s been a tumultuous night. And it is far from being over.

All I could honestly think of right now is flying to your arms and resting there. My back hurts like hell and I’ve got a bitch of a headache…what more could I actually want right now? I am torn between writing you a letter and just letting my head ramble…

I know I have so many ideas in my head, and I am not denying that it does take a lot to squeeze them out of my brain. I just want to go on and on and on, talking to myself, all in the efforts to prevent my head from taking the expected turn, which, is ahem, automatic shut off. I am not sure how long I can stand this. I can feel my entire being floating, without meaning for it to float. I wonder how I look like as I am typing this. I wonder who else in the universe knows that I am not doing my job at all.

I wonder who else in this lonesome world knows that I am just waiting for the day to be over so I could hit the sack. I wonder who else actually cares whether I get any sleep or not. I wonder who else knows that I have a growing addiction for tattoos and that I always have been addicted to late-night reading, coffee and Sex and the City.

I wonder if there other lost souls out there – and if they are as lost as I am. Trying hard to make sense of the senselessness that surrounds me. But that’s beside the point, I know. I cannot possibly burden myself with all of this world’s concerns. I am not my mother. (love you mom!)

Okay, I have a confession to make. I decided to take the matter into my own hands and went out of the office during a non-break. I bought a bottle of ‘Cobra,’ a totally non-newfangled concoction. There is everything to dread in that drink. I am not even sure if it can be qualified as a drink. Most of the time, it’s the last resort, the ultimate indication of hopelessness – and that is to drink what I consider a non-drink when one has not had a decent sleep for the last 48 hours. The palpitations that follow makes you want to believe you’ve done worse than commit kamikaze. Blame it on my mom, she was the one who introduced me to the palpitation-inducing glass of something. I don’t suppose it’s called a pick-me-up for nothing.

I am just so sleepy, I slur as I type this. I mean, how crazy is that?! You are only supposed to slur when you are speaking, and not when you are typing. I am convincing myself that I can last today, and that I will last today without the breakdowns, or at least without my head breaking the table when I hit it (yeah, you read it right, it’s not the table breaking my head).

After having my shoulder hit one of the shelves in our pantry, I then asked my friend to slap me…she did, she slapped my wrist…I was hoping she’d aim for my face instead, as I was awaiting a ‘major’ impact. I am not really aware of what prevented her.

So I am back from my official and last break for the day, and I am so dizzy from smoking a couple of cigarette sticks in 15 minutes. I swear to never do that again. Soon I know my lungs will give up on me.

I still do not have the slightest idea where the rambling would lead me to. I hope that despite being armed with nothing but an hour's worth of sleep you will come to find me and think of me as the most desirable…

Like you did the first time.

eros posted by imani , at 11:19 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

my desire moves.

with fragility
like the stream
that nourish myparched hands,
your eyes uncover
the truth of myweakness
and the wake of myrestlessness
the sweetness ofyour skin,
the ravenous touch of your voice
echoing in my mind
and i am trapped
in my own lonesome
yearning to find
the warmth in the fabric of your
sadness
subdue my doubts
and distance
to bring me before your altar
so that i may
light candles
and sing...

love is
white as
light.

looking the other way posted by imani , at 11:17 PM, in Labels: freefall

.i realized I am not afraid to feel vulnerable, for in allowing myself to be just that I feel more grounded, more human.i realized I am not perfect, but I am content knowing that I am born with everything I could possibly need.i realized that the light to show me my directions does not shine from the outside but radiates from the inside.i realized we all grow old too fast and live too late.i realized I may not be naturally talented, but I am very driven.i realized it is in the quiet that the music of my soul resounds the clearest.i realized that life~altering miracles are born from small things.i realized that the most beautiful acts in the world are those in which we put all our heart into.i realized I am stronger when I let go.i realized we are all matter that should matter.i realized everyday does not happen so often for some, so I should seize mine.i realized I am complete just being myself.i realized I am loved, beyond anything.

but it is me posted by imani , at 11:10 PM, in Labels: clandestine

I take the last few minutes trying hard to reconnect to the person I was…the person I once was…before you.

And it is all sad and nostalgic and it all seems that everything is beyond repair. I do not know who I am anymore.

I do not have anyone to blame, except myself, perhaps. I am responsible for what I have become. And I have become just the type of person I never dreamt of becoming. Someone who is needy, someone who seems to be helpless without the other person.

And it scares the hell out of me.

It has been a long time since I wrote something about myself. Most of the time, it was all about you. And I want to just take this tiny moment to think about myself, to ponder on what I have become – because I allowed you to change me. Because I allowed myself to fall.

And I did. And I have failed, I have failed miserably. I have failed myself because I am here. I am here needing to have you fill the void within me.

I scare myself. Sometimes it almost feels like I cannot be without you, that breathing is impossible because you are not near me. There would be times that I would feel there is nothing much to gain, learn or understand to have you beside me constantly.

I contradict myself. I defeat myself. I have become the other.

an addiction posted by imani , at 7:11 PM, in Labels: freefall

alright.

i know i am pixie-like and all, but just like any rose, i have my thorns, and yes, much to my dismay, even i get pricked (sometimes)

i am not sure if it was my fascination of pain or just simply my curiosity about needles...or maybe i have really become what my best friend predicted i would be, about 10 years ago...a junkie.

no...what she actually said was a 'masochist'

i have, to date, 6 tattoos.

the first one on my right hip - imani (which means 'believer' in arabic, 'faith' in african, and in hebrew, it goes back to the world 'amen.' it was odd though, i had it put on me 12 june 2005, not exactly to celebrate the philippine independence, but to do something 'major' before i turn 22.

the next was a cross right beside the word faith

then the 3rd tattoo was inspired by a sinead o'connor album - 'she who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty' - it is also the first verse of the ninety-first psalm

then on my dad's 10th death anniversary, i had the ambigram of 'faith' inked on left waistline

unfortunately, it did not end there...

what followed was a grueling 2-hour session with an artist called mel on christmas day (2007)...he etched an ambigram of 'fire & a prayer' on my back, just below psalm 91...it was one hell of a freak show, my friends came with some of their friends who, without end, distracted me...and the artist. they kept on asking if it hurts, all i could tell them was 'hello?! i am twitching!'

now...my 6th tattoo...

i had it just last 30 april 2008...with a very good friend of mine...

i would have to say...the artist had a difficult time putting it on me...

it was the word 'rohan' (which in sanskrit means 'ascending') on my right waistline...

a name i plan to give my firstborn

and one more thing...i still have all the needles :)

first posted by imani , Thursday, June 5, 2008 at 3:37 PM, in Labels: freefall

okay...
i am finally doing this and i have to do this in a haste.

talking about the 'first'

no this is not about you, my long-gone 7-year pseudo lover

this is about the first time
i am taking a leap

to be where everyone is
yet remain true to who i am