they're waiting posted by imani , Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 8:55 PM, in Labels: freefall

the last few days...

no, make that the last few months have been filled with adventures - most of which i share with and owe to my wife.  but, whenever i get the chance to, i spend my time alone reading a book - or contemplating the next subject i would like to talk about.

but mostly i have just been reading.  work has become busier than ever and i am also preoccupied when i take my rest days, shuttling back and forth between manila city (where jona lives) and pasay city (where i live).  in spite of the daily craziness of my life or my lifestyle, i compel myself to pick up a book and keep my imagination and thoughts running - for fear that "i" will get rusty.

i have been going through ambeth ocampo's 'looking back' series, a compilation of ocampo's most cherished, most entertaining write-ups as published in the philippine daily inquirer - dealing with bits and pieces, odds and ends, darkness and light surrounding the philippine's history as a country and as a culture.  

prior to watching 'the hobbit' in the big screen, i bought myself the book and drooled over j.r.r. tolkien's extraordinary talent for story telling, after which i jumped to seth grahame green's pride and prejudice and zombies.

i know i have to find time and make time to do all the things that i am passionate about - writing and reading.  prior to jona coming home last november, i have conjured roughly around five hundred and thirty sonnets - some of which i have not had her read or posted on my other blog (alifetimeofdesire.blogspot.com).  there is no cheating this, so yeah, i am psyching myself to finish at least two books a month and write poems as often as i possibly could.

here are some titles i've got lined up this summer:

i have not seen the hollywood interpretation of cloud atlas, and i am going to chastise myself and avoid watching it before i read the book penned by david mitchell.  last christmas, i also got myself two other books - special topics in calamity physics (by marisha pessl) and forty tales from the afterlives (by david eagleman) but i only got as far as covering them with plastic.  how pathetic.

for our twenty-ninth month together, jona got me a copy of the graphic novel rendition of stieg larsson's enduring dark tale about lisbeth sjolander in the girl with the dragon tattoo (book 1).  according to powerbooks, the second installment will be available some time this may.  that's definitely something to look forward to.

in the mean time, i will curl up in a corner, find a decent amount of light so i could read my books in peace.  they are waiting, they are calling for me, and they are not going anywhere.

turning a new leaf posted by imani , at 7:54 PM, in Labels: freefall

i have been away for five long, arduous, painful months.

and it is all because of her.  satellites have ceased oscillating as i found traces of her - memories, visions, scents - in my life.

and she never really did leave me.  she never has and i am praying that she never will.

it was november 25th of last year that jona decided to come home.  it was a bittersweet 'return,' as she was (and still is) confronted with challenges concerning her family, driving her to leave her work abroad and go back to manila.

despite this, i feel blessed having to finally 'see' her.  after a year and five months (which translates to 'forever' in my vocabulary), i found her waiting in my room, gazing at me as i entered the door.  i initially didn't know how to react to this, everything was a huge haze (and i just woke up that time), but my feet 'ushered' me toward this soul filled with a kind of brightness that is both silent and engaging - as if it is requiring for you to pay attention to her.  i inched my way to her and embraced her.  it felt like that was all that i could do that very second.  i wanted to say and offer much more, we have not been together more than a year, but i needed to make sure i am not stuck in some reverie.

and all those times we lost to arguments, to the impossible distance between us, moments that were given up so we may follow our paths and give birth to more dreams and realities seemed to have faded away.

she is home, at last.  although this set up is temporary, i am grateful that i am able to look at her and kiss her, that she is close enough to be longed for and desired, that she is close enough to be held and be told how much she is loved.

i am sorry i have been away.  i am sorry i haven't been able to share my ramblings with you guys.  just would like to let everyone know that i am okay.  that right now, my heart is basking in light and love, and that at this moment, i have nothing else to ask for because i have her with me.

mibf version 2012 posted by imani , Monday, September 17, 2012 at 2:49 AM, in Labels: freefall

i went to the recently held 33rd manila international book fair at the smx convention center in moa. aside from having briefly suffered from option paralysis, i played the role of a salmon and it was inescapable - what can you expect.

there were hoards and hoards of people swimming and swinging to and from all imaginable direction. that for a moment, i thought to myself that if it had been possible to go through me, i have no doubt there would be a number of them who would opt to do that.

and just like always, the first shelf i would visit in any book store, whether it be someplace as common as national book store or any one of those specialty book shops (powerbooks, fully booked, sketchbooks, a different bookstore) - i hung around this little space, a haven of sorts - for those seeking to read what would often be construed as lewd or offensive and find them 'tastefully done' - the erotic literature section:


but in my humble opinion, e.l. james' fifty shades series still does not offer the kind of material that would make it 'enough' to be in the same spot as anais nin, anne rice or henry james. it has just not achieved the notoriety all those three other writers has achieved.

one reason to be truly excited about when going to the mibf is that this is the only other time i know they would take twenty percent off of philippine publications, so as you might have guessed, i spent just about enough time rummaging and going through shelf after shelf in the space occupied by anvil publishing. until finally i settled for all the 6 books in ambeth ocampo's looking back series. i had the nostalgic recollection of how i would wait for his column on the philippine daily inquirer, how i would spend my mornings (during saturdays and sundays) and evenings (during school days) when i was still in high school - always on the lookout for trivia and trivialities, for information - whether necessary or unnecessary.


also - i got myself a copy of haruki murakami's kafka on the shore and after dark - an author who has been mentioned by my best friends reich and jerlen, one during a random conversation while we were drinking wine and celebrating her birthday, the other on a post on our facebook group 'booklust.' it did not take long to convince me to try reading his work, i checked the blurb and was instantly impressed with the reviews about his work...so what the heck, a shot is a shot and that's precisely what i am giving him.


the manila international book fair always have been an avenue for the bibliophiles to convene, no matter the truth some of us will remain faceless or nameless until the next year's book fair. but the most important thing there is that we do not feel as 'geeky' or as 'lonely' this time of the year - as there are thousands upon thousands of people we are sure would flock one place, (wherever the book fair will be held) with an appreciation for the written word and an undeniable love for reading.

in a world now so heavily dependent on getting information through and on the world wide web, it gives me a good feeling that there are still those who chooses to hold a book in their hands and turn the pages and live the the magic found in prose, poetry, dreams, realities, realizations, aspirations of all those who excised blood, sweat and tears and (possibly) other bodily secretions to share their stories.

project blurb posted by imani , Monday, September 10, 2012 at 2:51 AM, in Labels: freefall

there is always this fraction of me that resorts to apologizing whenever i am unable to write on this blog. not that i am expecting for anyone to closely follow what i do or what i have been up to or what has been keeping me busy.

during the weekend i conjured this mini project of sorts. since i spend about enough time in bookstores and libraries and a self-confessed bibliophile myself, i would like to offer blurbs of random books to my readers - to one, two or three of my most faithful minions. :)

these can be of books that i have read or i want to read or books that i might not be too curious to buy but curious enough to read for a moment and take a picture of it.

if you happen to visit my blog and would like to share a blurb, you may send the photograph to my e-mail: alab_imani@yahoo.com. please do not forget to include the following details:

• book title
• author
• your name
• a gist about you

these are things i would like to ensure will be part of my post.

thanks for dropping by and keep burning. :)

the new eros posted by imani , Sunday, July 29, 2012 at 11:51 PM, in Labels: freefall

i took a trip heading to the mall last friday, 27th july 2012, which coincidentally was our 23rd month together. tempus fugit. sweet.

i have been meaning to write about this for days but were confronted with either my body's ceaseless desire to sleep or the lack of power supply (just like last night).

as i was saying, i scooted as soon as my shift was over all in the hopes of getting myself another laptop. that same day, i sold my first laptop (a red hp mini netbook) to a friend of mine at work. after what seemed to be an endless battle between myself, my budget and what brand i wanted to get, i finally got myself a nice, sweet deal.

it was not as easy as i hoped it would be. i actually have been wrestling with the notion of upgrading my laptop for at least a month before i decided to let go of my wife's 28th birthday gift for me. jona did mention something which got me thinking - she said that 'you cannot allow yourself to think that gadgets have sentimental value.' and i could not have agreed more.

i got myself a samsung series 3 (300e4c-a03, to be exact) notebook. it came with a mailman bag (of the same brand), a pair of black usb-powered speakers (which i gave to my boss) and an optical mouse, which i decided to keep. since i have, for at least a year, been using a netbook, i thought to myself it would be good to get a 14" notebook instead.


this baby has a 2gb memory and a 500gb hard disk drive capacity. it came with a 60-day trial of norton antivirus (which is a staple, i think) and a windows 7 starter edition. it has a 14" anti-reflective HD LED display and according to the samsung website, it also has an anti-fingerprint, scratch-resistant finish. i just noticed that this machine is against a lot of things. matter of fact, it comes with a battery derived from samsung's anti-aging technology which 'ensures that the battery lasts 3x longer.'

it weighs a little over 2 kilos and the keyboard is definitely something i need to get used to. i have grown accustomed to the compact keyboard of my old hp laptop and when i first started using this, it felt as if my fingers were doing a little stretching every now and then. i opted to get a notebook since all the peripherals are already in one equipment and i can always bring phaidros (the pad) if i wanted something handy.

i spent at least an hour installing the usual (or necessary, for me, at least) files the moment i got home. that means mozilla (i am not a big fan of internet explorer), yahoo messenger, flash player and skype. the machine actually came with a pre-installed skype program, but for some reason, it just won't allow me to log in. so i uninstalled the program and downloaded a new version online. i just have not really had enough time to tinker through the built-in cyberlink media suite. who knows, it might just be something i would need when i create my mini projects.


overall, i only have had my new eros for roughly three days and everything seems to be working seamlessly. booting takes a little less than 20 seconds and even if i hook it up for half a day, the machine has managed to stay 'cool.' also, i'm glad that i got a darker shade of gray (i am unsure if this is too dark that you can already call it black), as the ones that i saw online were too colorful (and with colorful i mean yellow, orange, pink and green - which aren't my colors at all). this shade they call 'titan silver.' and indeed the machine is a titan in itself.

clean slate posted by imani , at 2:26 AM, in Labels: freefall

last week has been a pretty busy week for me. i did not just deal with my team and fulfilled about 20 hours worth of mod functions...i did something that usually takes me months and months to accomplish - i cleaned my pedestal.

and every time i do this, i always get reminded of my best friend chai. the first time she handled me as a coach she came up to me (which i thought would be for some lengthy one on one session) and asked me to unlock my pedestal.

i didn't have an idea what she wanted then but when she saw it she immediately said she will not leave until i have fixed it. so i did.

her idea behind it is simple - un-clutter so you can free up some work space and move around easily. and in a more metaphorical sense, she said she also practices it regularly as if to unload herself of past burdens and things we keep unnecessarily.

ever since then i would panic when i look inside my pedestal and find that i am still harboring post its drizzled with my unintelligible handwriting, notepads that have been filled with my scribbles, pens and markers that have all been used up, highlighters that just won't highlight things anymore.

so last thursday i told myself that i would have to get rid of the daily panic i put myself through and decided to turn my pedestal upside down and down side up (and inside out too). here's what the first, second and third drawers of my pedestal look like now:

the last year posted by imani , Wednesday, July 18, 2012 at 2:33 AM, in Labels: freefall

has been about waiting.

it has been about loving and lingering. it has been about our journey, our sacrifices, our distance, our tears.

but more than anything, the last three hundred sixty five days have been about keeping what we have alive, keeping what we have burning, and realizing every single second there is that nothing has been wasted.

i would not want to live the last year any other way. in another lifetime, i am sure i would still want you to be my partner-in-crime, my shock absorber, my sporadic nemesis, my best friend, my soul mate, my wife, the mother of our rohan.

for the past year we both have succeeded in laughing at the most mundane things, we both have succeeded in patching things up even after the worst of arguments. we have succeeded in wrapping each memory with nothing but desire, knowing that we were never alone, and that we will never be on our own.

what i want to really tell you is this, jona -

more than the sadness (or literally, being alone), in the last year i have challenged myself, i have surprised myself at what i can actually do, what i doubted (and possibly you did too) i could do. you have kept me going and have kept me sane (or have driven me insane, at times). but no matter has happened and no matter what will happen, i am assured that i have someone who will not let me down, i have someone who will always attempt to learn how to figure 'me' out, i know it can be challenging. i have someone who is proud of what we share and who is proud of me. i have someone who will fight for me and whose belief in my abilities is unwavering.

since i discovered my passion for written words, i have always made it a point to mark a moment - all by taking my pen and writing memories and visions and dreams down. i have never been this busy. as a matter of fact, i have been busier writing on your blog than on this one. hahahaha. though i only have posted (i think) two hundred plus sonnets of the three hundred and sixty five, i will see to it that you will always read something new in the next few weeks every time you visit your site.

so let me go back to that same road that took you away from me. and let me tell you that i will remain - that i will wait, that as much as i still could, exercise more patience, that i will be there until you emerge from oblivion and until i can hold you close again.

before you left, i promised that i will give you a sonnet for each day that we are not together. an entire year has passed, in a sense, we both have made that trip around the sun, this time, noting a different kind of anniversary. nothing could be more black and white. nothing could be more exact or precise. more than feeling a sense of accomplishment because i have proven i am still able to write, because you have prevented my brain from getting rusty, i feel that there truly is nothing i cannot overcome as long as your roses will be there to guide my fragrant remembering.

i love you, my lifetime. all my thoughts and wishes are for you.

telling time posted by imani , Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 2:42 AM, in Labels: freefall

this year has been about...spoiling. me, in particular.

my wife gave me phaidros, my new toy. my mom cooked my favorite dishes for me, my family was here to sing me happy birthday (while my sister was on skype), my friends threw a dinner and dancing party for me, i got my own birthday cake and...

this bunch came up with one of the biggest surprises -


they took the time and conjured a gift that truly is special. i have probably mentioned to one of them before that i have a penchant for collecting watches. and they probably have noticed that i usually go for the simple yet extraordinary designs.

i am still in awe of how they planned and how they all came up with such a birthday present. i have told them several times over that they have succeeded in spoiling me. but the sweetest thing really was the note that each of them gave me - saying that i deserve nothing but the best because with the team that we have built, they have experienced what it truly means to work together. one of them said that it's but a small gesture of appreciation for all the great things that our team has accomplished since i handled them.

but the team is not about me. i have had this job for a little over 8 years and have been handling people for at least around 7 years. and the key to making things happen is not to make it all about yourself. it is about developing others so they may be able to work independently. it is about showing them all the facets of self and team management and tying them all up with the idea that they belong in the team and they matter in the team. it is about knowing where to give credit when credit is due. it is about giving them all back the appreciation and pats on the back when it is given to you. it is about giving them an identity - while it is true that usually, the team behaves the way their captain behaves. but in the grander scheme of things, people will begin to have a greater sense of purpose not when you demand something from them, but when you show them how goals can be achieved so that they can demand something of themselves.

the best gift there is is to know that i have made a difference in their work life. that i have done something else to make them see what we do in a different perspective. and i am all the more humbled that again, i am in the company of people who place their belief and trust in me. special thanks to the following: migs, raf, reyn, chris, giselle, shena, arianne, jane, jeff, janey, perrie, joanna, mamu, rhona, claire, kathy, shin and joyce. you guys are rascals and i could not imagine our team functioning without your commitment and contributions, and of course, without the heart you put in the work we do as the expert group.

thanks, team t. you guys are awesome. more triumphs to come. :)

4th of july posted by imani , Wednesday, July 4, 2012 at 4:46 AM, in Labels: freefall

not that we celebrate it here but i have more than enough cause to celebrate.

they say it is about twilights, fireworks, big bangs, freedom, worth, value, meaning.

i have found all that in one kind, infinite, generous soul. and i could not ask for anything more.

i know we have our own failures, our own shortcomings. that we have our own misgivings and sometimes we are a little too stubborn to acknowledge that they are there. but i would rather have that with you than somebody else. i would rather see you though there may be tears in my eyes than share an experience with someone else.

it is you who reminds me there's much waiting in this lifetime for me - and the thought of you being there, at the end of every road, on every turn, on every avenue - has sufficed and always will suffice.


i know i am a bunch of contradictions, that i sometimes drive you insane more than making you feel assured (and sane, of course!). but if you just love me a day longer i know i can prove that we are worth the wait, that we are worth the distance and sacrifices, that we are worth everything we have given up in order to gain that life together.

you are the reason i have held on for so long - the reason i have overcome my own fear of separation and loneliness. you are the reason i know i can go through days and years of that if necessary. because life isn't life without you. because midnights are void of warmth and of meaning without the notion of you.

i have asked this time and again, and i will not cease to ask you this until we are old and gray and we start to look 'unlike' ourselves - be with me, my lifetime. hold my hand and understand you will never be on your own, not ever, not again. discern that you fuel all my thoughts and these same thoughts i will chastise and offer up to you, my muse.

speck posted by imani , Monday, July 2, 2012 at 12:10 PM, in Labels: freefall

on my birthday, i went to the mall with my cousin armed with the notion of scouring store after store in search for the perfect protective casing for phaidros.

after sifting through an entire wing for about thirty minutes and a 6-inch steak and cheese sandwich from subway, we found one, at a reasonable cost.

it is a slim folio from speck - what's nice about it is that it looks simple and posh on the exterior and interior. it has a leather finish, so i am assured i would not see a lot of fingerprints on the case itself. on the inside, there is a form-fitting cradle to see to it that the pad is in place. the lining is made of 'microsuede,' (according to the product information) or in other words, it is nice to the touch. also it is integrated with a magnet which activates the device' sleep and wake function.



the folio actually bends into several different angles to give its user the ease of viewing or typing using the ipad. this was what i was considering heavily (aside from the look, of course), because i didn't want to buy something that would not fulfill that function. i really did not get myself a gift for my birthday, so i suppose i would just count this as a present.

for a mere php 1, 650.00, i've just made my toy look 'trendier.'

demystefying brightness posted by imani , at 3:02 AM, in Labels: freefall

so for this year, my wife opted to get me a gadget that i didn't think was at all necessary, but it's too cool anyone who'd pass up on it would be insane.

she got me a wi-fi enabled ipad2 with a whopping 64-gig memory. i thought that the ipad2 would be just as great as an ipad3, and i really do not understand all the fuss about the new ipad. the only differences are the screen resolution, the camera and the processor. i suppose it all boils down to how you really would use it and what you would install in it.

after debating with myself, i decided to christen my new toy 'phaidros,' which in greek translates to 'bright.' on its own, the device is awesomely challenging. it could present some issues, such as when you need to load movies and just won't take any format. everything has to be apple (or in this case, ipad) compatible. i wanted to continue with the 'tradition' of naming my things with greek monickers, so i thought phaidros would make such a cute cousin to my laptop, eros. and of course there's my phone kairos, and my external hard drive, which i named alexios.

as we all have come to know, apple, by definition, is 'zen.' my ipad came in a simple white box, approximately 9 inches in height x 7 inches in length. the box had a paper/cloth lining underneath, carefully stitched in place to (i assume) protect the very sensitive glass interface. and everything inside is either covered with a thin clear plastic or encased in yet another white box.

so there's the pad itself, then the usb cable, which of course you can use to either charge the device or update your pad files. then there's a 10-watt usb power adapter which then needs to be connected to a plug (which in turn, would need to be hooked up to another adapter, as our usual electrical outlet does not support it). inside a flat, little box, you will find a basic 1-page reference to what your ipad looks like and where its buttons are, then there is the paper-thin manual (which no one really would bother reading, not just due to the insanely small texts but that we'd rather discover what magic this device can do on our own) and a couple of apple stickers (which i love!!!). i still have not found a surface where i would like to use the sticker on.


a tip for those who wanted to get an apple device? be ready with an itunes software. for without it, you cannot upload anything on to your device. the good thing is that there are a lot of host sites that would allow you to download the application for free, as a matter of fact, you can go to the apple website - and in it, you'll find two versions of itunes - one for mac computers and another for window-based computers. when you try to fix what's inside your pad, itunes will ask you to first register your product (it would even ask you for the name of your pad, which i thought was sweet) and it will do the rest of the stuff for you. it will look into all your mac-compatible files - name it - pictures, music, videos - then it will synchronize everything.

and i mean synchronize. this sync thing is awesome. as a matter of fact, even if your devices (laptop and pad) aren't connected by the usb cable, itunes will automatically sync the files as long as both devices have are hooked up to the internet. now, that's a treat!

the next thing you have to consider is getting a file conversion application. i got 'aimersoft' from the web and the freeware isn't at all bad. i needed a converter for my video files and the final output had the application's watermark but i didn't really mind it. this application will let you choose between an hd and non-hd output format, which boils down to not only how good you want the resolution to be but how much memory you have on your gadget.


phaidros is roughly around two weeks old and you bet we have bonded. i have been going nuts about some of the cool apps you can download from the apple app store. i got some nice apps for writing, for downloading e-books, utilities (especially an alarm clock), games (i am in awe of this thing, the resolution is impeccable) and mind puzzles (sudoku, dominoes, scrabble, trivia, etc.).

i know there's still much to explore and i am very excited about it. this definitely is one of those times i feel it's okay to be a kid again, or a kid at heart for that matter.

officially posted by imani , Sunday, July 1, 2012 at 11:52 AM, in Labels: freefall

thirty minus.

then i remembered instances when people asked me about how young (or old) i am - to which i would simply say, twenty plus. then there came a time they wouldn't stop with one question. they would ask, plus or minus? until my answer became 'twenty something.'

well a few days ago, it became something totally undeniable. it felt like i could tell my age with temperature - in celsius, of course. i do not want to have to go through a conversion process in order to tell someone the fahrenheit equivalent.

yes indeed. last june 29th, i turned 29. and 30 or more people in my high school class have gone through or will go through the same thing. this year is our year. it is as if i am confronting a...frontier...or a wall. i am not quite sure. a big wall of...nothing. i actually do not feel as old. when i think about it, i try to simplify it - i just made another trip around the sun and it has been one hell of a year. i have seen and felt so many things (much of which i won't divulge because of explicit content hahahaha) and i know every year i am always at the onset or the precipice of what could be the best year of my life yet.

but this year, there was one thing i was able to keep at bay. that would be my annual depression. as i may have written on this blog years ago, i usually would go through this long period of depression - a phase where i would catch myself staring at blank spaces, or just staring at anything, quietly asking myself if i have achieved anything. if i have paid attention to everything i needed to pay attention to. if i have hailed moments that was worthy of thinking of and being grateful for.

my wife actually took the depression thing seriously and succeeded in keeping me preoccupied. there was a lot of skype-ing, writing and reading, but she sent me something really awesome. which i will deal with in another post. this one will solely be about me.

so what has the past year taught me?

it has taught me to be more patient and to expect less. it has taught me the power of prayer and of gratefulness, the redemption we experience from learning to forgive. it has taught me that bottom line is - everything entails hard work. if we want to succeed, we have to work hard to learn the things we would not normally consider learning. and i am talking about people, work, the tangible and the intangible. i have learned that there are things that we need to remove from the equation so we may give space to things that needed to be in the equation.

the last year has taught me of the power of waiting. and the contentment that came with it (which, i admit, took me a while to see). i realized that in order for me to be truly happy, i must take each day like a grain of salt, that i must not allow myself to be stressed out by everything or by anything that a year from today i would not even remember. i realized that happiness can be achieved when we know there is integrity in everything that we do. integrity to fulfill our own dreams, to follow our own will as long as it does not include having to step on someone's toes. integrity to always do what is right by looking deep within and realizing whatever it is that truly matters to us. to the universe we create for ourselves.

every time i age, i always go back to that day i lost my father. and in the last few years that has damaged the way i think of life. but today, more than anything, i knew i had to go through that so i may toughen up, so that i will realize my ability to overcome all struggles. so i may realize the need to be grateful that i am living. i suppose that this is true for everyone - the more we age the clearer the idea of our own morbidity becomes. and i am more enlightened now to believe that yes, i have accomplished some good things in my life. that yes, i am not wasting what i have been blessed with. that yes, i am breathing and you bet i am tasting every single moment of it.

the last year has taught me the gift of appreciation. that no matter how small or how huge an event is, we simply must learn to appreciate them - all because these things help us evolve. that is precisely the reason for all our learning - so we may evolve - into better versions of ourselves.

darkness and light posted by imani , Monday, June 18, 2012 at 12:52 AM, in Labels: freefall

they say the sky is always darkest just before dawn.

if that is the case then the sun is not exactly shining in my side of the world. it is the exact same dawn, breathing the exact same perennial air of loneliness i usually get just before i turn a year older. i feel like i have been walking, traveling, treading on that paved avenue for days at no end.

this time, the first thing i heard is not a knock on the door or the alarm clock reminding me to wake up, get my act together and prepare for work. it's a thunderclap.

and in exactly eleven days, i will turn twenty nine.

i do not feel "old" or "ancient." it is not that kind of feeling that pushes me to re-think and re-evaluate my life. it is the notion of whether or not i have actually lived it.

this pseudo-depression, as i would label it, started when my father passed away. i just turned fourteen the year he succumbed to heart attack which lodged him into a coma, the same day my mom was supposedly celebrating her 48th birthday. what happened was she spent it in the hospital, and for an entire week, my family and i split our time between visiting my father, going to school and taking care of the chores at home.

that incident gave me a front row seat to a person's humanity - in short, someone's existence and death. and every year after that, i feel this pang inside my heart, a vague sense of not knowing if i am living up to my dad's wishes for me and my family's expectations of me.

i get that gnawing pain regardless of what i have accomplished or what i can still accomplish. it is as if my heart gets broken once a year - thinking and somehow knowing that things will forever be different because our lives have taken an entirely different direction when we lost my dad.

i am not blaming dad for this, no. it is just something that i could never seem to shake, no matter how i keep myself busy and no matter what i do to get my mind off of the idea of growing old and not being sure if the life that i am leading made any difference in someone else's existence - if i was at all able to touch lives or make someone's day better or if i was able to affect change, one way or another.

i do not want to discount the fact that i now have someone who is as resolute and as unwavering as i could ever dream anyone to be - my lifetime - and i am grateful that she talks to me when i get quiet, or when she feels that i am lost in my own thoughts. i am grateful that she tries to find a way, a means to take me out of that solitary, lonesome space.

i am not sure when i will ever be able to live through a year or some days without ever thinking of my own inadequacy or my own incapacity, but i also do not want to waste meaningful days when i know someone is loving me and looking after me regardless of my pain or my mess or my shortcomings.

maybe the storm will cease when i start to appreciate that there are some things that i can place upon my shoulders, that there are some things that i need to learn, that there are some parts of me that need mending - and that i may be drawn to darkness to begin with but i should also look at the one shining her light upon me.

marry the night posted by imani , Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 12:30 PM, in Labels: freefall

which was what lady gaga did.

with perhaps 15,000 of her faithful minions in last night's final show at the sm mall of asia arena.  

i was there.

i am there.

i feel like i left a fraction of me exactly where she was.

i have never seen the filipino crowd 'obey' an artist the way she made the rest of us did.  we screamed, we hailed her name, we danced, we got off our derrieres, we put our paws up - when she asked us to.

it was like we were all in a trance.  i was in a trance.  i am still in a trance.

she is the consummate artist - her theatrical flair, her musical genius, her sheer talent, her undeniable ingenuity.  that, combined with the capacity of her crew - both onstage and the ones taking care of what happens backstage - left manila with one hell of a performance to remember.

she emerged from her 'castle' on a horse and the clamor for her name was so loud i know my eardrums popped before she even began her third song.  

she cursed and pranced upon the stage like a mad, wild woman.  oh, that she was.  and that she always will be.  she mused about betrayal and freedom and how she cannot tolerate homophobia and violence and hatred and gathered the crowd with her songs - some new, some old, all were unforgettable.  

she gave her audience nothing short of a spectacle - great choreography, great repertoire, innumerable costume changes (it felt like it, i lost count of the number of times she changed costumes), great live performance!

her voice was solid and it was something you cannot mistake to be somebody else's.  her speaking voice, however, was adorable.  it was husky and a little deep.  probably her italian roots has much to do with it.  or just like me - my voice would usually sound 'deeper' during the night.  do not ask me how or why.

she sang some of my favorites - poker face, just dance, paparazzi, alejandro, americano, born this way, you and i, bad romance - and many others that made last night's affair heart-pounding and blood-curdling.  all because i simply cannot fathom how a 26-year old performer who also wowed the crowd the night before could manage to keep herself alive and kicking for two full hours.  

it was undoubtedly her passion.  it was her desire to make sure each and everyone under that roof was dog tired at the end of the show.  it was this sweet, twisted need of hers to ensure that every single human being was having fun and will have much to remember.

she succeeded and has made her little monsters utterly and terribly happy.

when i got home, i was still humming the music to myself - even when i have a bitch of a headache and my ass hurt big time from all the dancing and the jumping.  

more to come as my brain recuperates (if it will cooperate with the rest of my body).  one thing is for certain -- there are moments and instances that one can easily shrug off.  this is not one of them. 

thank you for the wonderful ball, my lady.  hats off to you. :)

the lady is a tramp posted by imani , at 1:07 AM, in Labels: freefall

the erratic manila weather is driving everyone insane - save one - lady gaga. despite protests and vigils left and right, the show went on and we will rock again tonight!  i'm pretty sure she will give the word 'crazy' a totally new meaning.

she unveiled her born this way tour in manila last night and in a few hours, i'll be joining her and her minions for another night of artistry, theatrical flair and sheer musical genius!

i won't be writing much now, i'm really,really excited that i'll have a chance to see her perform tonight at the sm mall of asia arena.  

rebirth posted by imani , Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 6:32 PM, in Labels: freefall

it felt like i have just been reborn.

after spending what seemed to be countless of days reading 'the rule of four,' my entanglement with the novel ended an hour or so ago.

it was satisfying. the book revolved around the renaissance text 'hypnerotomachia poliphili,' which translates to poliphilo's strife of love in a dream, a narrative in which the protagonist pursues polia, his love, his lover, whom he would die for and kill for, in a dreamlike escape.

the book itself presented a lot many things that need some serious digesting, and true enough, it took me close to a week before i could say i have read all four hundred something pages of it. what i really liked about the story is that it in itself was a short treatise for one of the major events in renaissance italy, when savonarola gathered all things negating christianity - art and texts alike - and burned them all as if to cleanse the city of its sinfulness.

now i am sitting in my study, watching my lifetime as she goes in and out of slumber, where i am blessed with brief moments to tell her i love her or that she should go back to sleep as i will be here when she wakes up.

i have told her several times over that i have returned to my passion for reading so i can keep myself preoccupied, believing it would make it easier for me to stop thinking about 'that' old mistress - smoking.

true enough, the last 9 books i have read in a month and a half gave as much help as i allowed them to offer.

but what i hope my lifetime would realize is that it is she who i hoped would keep me busy - and whom has actually kept me busy and made the idea of quitting something totally plausible.

then i go back to that notion when we wrestle with love in our wake and even in our dreams - that has so far been the kind of journey i have been sharing with her for the last nineteen months (or more), and every day i am grateful i am able to hear her voice when i open my eyes, and that the notion of closing them does not strangle my desire because she exists everywhere - she breathes and lives in every imaginable space and corner of my being.

it has been an endless renaissance for this soul. since she said she loves me. since that second she could no longer contain her emotions and decided to reach out for me and kiss me. since that moment she said she will do what she can to make me hers.

love liberates. it uplifts, compromises, to some point negotiates. love is the one i am looking at right now, with her hand on her face, her body draped with silence as she rests after a long and arduous day at work. love is her smile and her pause when she thinks or when she tries to conjure an idea to make me forget just how tough the day has been without her, love is her voice when she invites me to join her in a meal. love is her passion to want to build dreams. and it would appear that her love is the sigh of the moon right before the sun retreats in the horizon.

it has all happened. and hundreds of days later we still find moments we laugh and go back to how we began. it has happened and it is still happening.

happy nineteenth, mahal ko.

the trilogy that haunted me posted by imani , Thursday, March 22, 2012 at 10:44 PM, in Labels: freefall

in my dreams.

not exactly, but that was what it felt like.

since i saw the movie 'the girl with the dragon tattoo,' i never stopped thinking of when i can actually read stieg larsson's three-book masterpiece and this time, allow my head to imagine what would become of our punk heroine, lisbeth salander.

and just this morning, as i was set to do a bit of groceries, i saw that national bookstore is holding its annual summer book sale, where bookworms can feast on international titles and enjoy a 20% discount.

so i did the expected - i went around and scoured the shelves for the millennium trilogy. each of the books by larsson were valued at php 299.00 but i found a pack which can be bought for only php 745.00. and i thought i've stumbled upon gold.


when i reached the counter, the cashier personnel said i am still entitled to 20% off the original price. which meant i got the books for a little over php 630.00.

as of today, i have marked page 85 of 'the rule of four.' i am looking forward to starting with larsson's second installment to the salander saga (the girl who played with fire) since i have already seen the polished cinematic equivalent of the first book.


thank you to david fincher and to rooney mara for coming up with a visually enthralling, visceral, delightful interpretation of the girl with the dragon tattoo, that, as i mentioned on a post a few days ago - was enough for me to think the rest of the trilogy is worth delving into.


i do not find it odd that i feel a vague sense of closeness to the character lisbeth salander - how she struggles to keep herself together while the outside world continues to betray her and ostracize her. she has professed her own insanity and seems to be the least to be bothered by such a dense truth.

which is why i need to go back to reading now if i want to spend my weekend with 'the girl.'

i am certain posted by imani , at 10:25 PM, in Labels: freefall

that if i will be insane about a couple of things, that would concern my wife and books.

(and i have a feeling about what she will say about the statement i have just posted above.)

from march 16th up until april 15th, all national bookstore and powerbooks branches will be treating us bibliophiles to their summer book sale.


this means all titles can be bought with a 20% discount (with the exception of philippine publications). some are also available at prices ranging from php 100.00 to php 500.00.

this definitely is one good way to beat the crazy weather - whether you want to be solitary in a beach or in the confines of your room - bring a book with you. :)

an unexpected gift posted by imani , Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 2:03 AM, in Labels: freefall

a couple of days ago, my mom handed me a little package - it was wrapped in a dark olive green plastic bag and had tapes all over it, with a note carefully placed on top.

i didn't have to open it. i just tried to feel what was actually inside and i thought to myself:

it's a journal.

the gift came from ate mater - my cousin whom i have always professed to be the reason i listen to jazz in the first place. she also was the reason i came to like reading books. when i was a kid she would opt to buy me books in english instead of comic books which were a fad then and even now (regardless of what language). also, she was the one who gave me my own dictionary as a graduation present when i was in elementary school. believe it or not i still have the dictionary.

i might have mentioned this at one point, but ate mater always have encouraged me to read more and even delve in writing. for as long as i could remember she only truly gave me two things on my birthday or on christmas: i would get either a journal or a book.

and it was through her and this 'unwritten' but practical training that i knew i was able to develop my speech and writing skills. indeed, i did not have to be confined in any space. it is in books i find both my refuge and my adventures.

the endless posted by imani , Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 1:39 AM, in Labels: freefall

there was a singular, almost incomprehensible instant that led me to want to talk about this.

what i think of love. and how love has changed me. or every other person's life for that matter. at least for those who have allowed themselves to feel it.

love always have been about patience. the patience to sit and wait in a corner and watch its magic unfold before your very eyes. the tenacity and resolve to stay in one place and learn to seek it but never rush, instead you must remain where you are until it finally seeks you.

there have been moments i chased it, especially when i was much, much younger (now that makes me feel so ancient). that was a phase when i thought i would run out of chances, a time when i thought i knew enough about myself that i am so ready to be with someone else. i was wrong.

as i aged, my notions about it has significantly moved forward, and my own battles with it made me learn the hard way. but i suppose there was never an easy way.

almost always, the things we badly want to achieve are the most elusive. in instances when i had my heart tattered and bruised i almost gave up on the idea of finding what it means to surrender - to desire to give all of who i am to but one person. i thought i'd have forever lost faith in the possibility of having happiness in my life despite of constant chaos.

and just when i was in the brink of disbelief, i realized that i still have to continue nurturing myself - that i have to learn how to love myself despite my own failures, despite the truth that i thought i am solely to be blamed for the miseries of my heart. and in the darkness i stumbled upon an epiphany. that we cannot offer that which we do not have. i cannot possibly want to love someone if i do not understand how imperative it is that i love who i am.

it starts and ends with patience. when i found a glint of hope in one named jona, i took my time. i took my sweet time discerning whether or not i can make myself worthy for this person, and whether or not i can allow her to try to make me happy - or at least show me a side of happiness i have never seen or never imagined before.

and when my days slowly started to begin and end with glimmering and undeniable notion of her, i knew it was something i have to commit to if in case it unravels. and it did. and ever since, i know i have been trying my very best to also show her what she has shown me - that there is more to love than just this one-dimensional approach to it - it is not easy. and there are times, although painful, one must admit that things are not always perfect.

there is the endless fall towards the one who keeps you breathing. there is the call for an endless capacity to always offer more than you have the day before, and to always remember to forgive even when you cannot see through the tears in your eyes.

in spite of the fact that we sometimes get distracted by our work, by our passion in other things that lie outside of what we share, she has taught me to be a little more grateful for every waking moment we are given. waiting for her to come around and to realize the nature of all that i hold for her, and all i intend to offer was and is a gift that i certainly have been blessed with.