your body thriving
in the reflection
you make of mine
the mirrors of your
faith and fate
disenchanted by
our wordlessness
the moments caught
in the web of your
dreams as you
descend in a slumber
the fragrant amaranth
that sleeps in your
hair ~ a colorful,
vivid memory of
everything i know
that is good ~
a delusion
ceasing to be.
for calliope
footfall
nothing is left now
but the heavy, dreary,
neglected steps your
body makes upon my
earth, demanding
for my skin to stretch
and wrap itself upon
your lies and love
weaving desperation
and darkness within
the chained, chastised
dreams you whispered
to the wind
one heartbreak after
another, uncertain,
dazed, unsettled
grasping and breathing
the next few words
so i may remember
the bittersweet sound
of your heavy, dreary,
neglected footfall
fading away…
further from me.
but the heavy, dreary,
neglected steps your
body makes upon my
earth, demanding
for my skin to stretch
and wrap itself upon
your lies and love
weaving desperation
and darkness within
the chained, chastised
dreams you whispered
to the wind
one heartbreak after
another, uncertain,
dazed, unsettled
grasping and breathing
the next few words
so i may remember
the bittersweet sound
of your heavy, dreary,
neglected footfall
fading away…
further from me.
darkness
at the fortress of worthless
dreams, tracing the
steps you left behind
lured by the scent
of your disguised
belief
and summoned
to senselessness
by your absent faith
the fallen resurrects
to hunt for light
and make the darkness
bleed as another
sunset forgets how
it all began.
dreams, tracing the
steps you left behind
lured by the scent
of your disguised
belief
and summoned
to senselessness
by your absent faith
the fallen resurrects
to hunt for light
and make the darkness
bleed as another
sunset forgets how
it all began.
ally mcbeal
my idea of doing something 'productive' when i am off from work would be: (a) reading a book, (b) watching TV and (c) getting hammered. i don't get to drink so much these days so what i did last tuesday is get myself a set of (fake) ally mcbeal DVDs.
and since last tuesday i think i have watched at least 10 episodes...considering that i have a job that demands so much of my time and attention and given that ally mcbeal is a courtroom dramedy...i think i've done well in understanding the dialogues in each episode and laughing at the show's hysterical humor.
i started following the series when i was in high school. monette and i would even tape the episodes being aired on channel 9 every tuesday so we can see bits and pieces of it the entire week and talk about mcbealisms, fishisms and cageisms.
i think the show fueled the already hopeless incurable romantic in me. i never have denied that i always have felt like ally mcbeal personified - i mean she's a fictional character and if she'd ever really exist i 'think' i'd be her...or she'd be me. only that i am a lesbian and i won't really talk too much about getting over a guy or picturing myself getting married to one - but then again there is something so universal about ally mcbeal's language - love is love no matter what you think of it. love encompasses everything.
there's just so much about calista flockhart's bubbly, frivolous, vulnerable alter ego that speaks to me. and honestly, she still does. i was writing on my datebook yesterday and i mentioned there that the character makes me want to go back to writing. not poetry. but prose. you know maybe i can try the stream of consciousness technique because that is really how i think and how i am when i talk. pretty much like what i am doing right now.
what i can relate to more than anything - as far as the character ally is concerned - is the fact that she does not have any qualms about looking for and seeking love. come on, there really isn't a lot of people who still has the virtue of chivalry in them so you're probably going to end up waiting for nothing if you just sit in the corner instead of asking someone out.
yes it is true that searching for love would require taking risks - but what the hell - sooner than later you will realize that you cannot just fill your life with conjuctions (ifs, buts, howevers)...you have to start braving the storm. it is always calm after the storm (or if you are at the eye of the storm). you never lose by loving. you only lose by holding back.
i remember - i used to watch the show too much back in high school that i started to pick up some of her idiosyncrasies - for example - dancing like ally or worst - dancing like that little imaginary baby. que horror. despite the fact that reliving the 'ally moments' ultimately brought back memories (cannot avoid them), it's good to reminisce a part of my life that really did lead me to where i am now. if it wasn't for the opportunities that i grabbed or missed, i would not be where i am, and possibly, would have lied to myself and lived a life full of questions.
at least now i can say that i may not be perfectly happy (who wants to be perfectly happy, anyway? happiness is so overrated) but i know what it is like to have stood in front of a loaded gun, which sometimes meant being hit or being lucky enough to dodge the bullets. i know what it is like to seize the day like it is my last because i was and never will be daunted to take chances.
slave
the once forgotten bittersweet
memory,
the solemn image of you
resurrected by the intense,
parched, arid
need to feel you beside me,
to touch the petals that enfold
your light and depth
stumbling, fumbling,
stirred by your stares
and by the secret language
of our dreams
haunted by the scent of
that fleeting, timid
kiss from your lips,
chained to the remembrance
of you reaching for me
in the quiet of the dawn
when my senses and delight
fall upon your delicate hands
shaping me,
enslaving me to
this sweet senselessness.
written 13 september 2009
7:42 pm - 7:53 pm
bag of beans, tagaytay
thanks to bess chai for the word :)
memory,
the solemn image of you
resurrected by the intense,
parched, arid
need to feel you beside me,
to touch the petals that enfold
your light and depth
stumbling, fumbling,
stirred by your stares
and by the secret language
of our dreams
haunted by the scent of
that fleeting, timid
kiss from your lips,
chained to the remembrance
of you reaching for me
in the quiet of the dawn
when my senses and delight
fall upon your delicate hands
shaping me,
enslaving me to
this sweet senselessness.
written 13 september 2009
7:42 pm - 7:53 pm
bag of beans, tagaytay
thanks to bess chai for the word :)
meeting in the middle
‘We finally caught up with each other…’
I spent a good part of my afternoon (yesterday) watching the TV. My eyes were tired but my brain was restless. So I reached for a DVD and watched ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ for the umpteenth time.
There is something about this movie that is just so engaging, enthralling, enchanting. It may be the story, the characters, the actors’ chemistry. Or maybe it is just me.
I spent a good part of my afternoon (yesterday) watching the TV. My eyes were tired but my brain was restless. So I reached for a DVD and watched ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ for the umpteenth time.
There is something about this movie that is just so engaging, enthralling, enchanting. It may be the story, the characters, the actors’ chemistry. Or maybe it is just me.
I suddenly remembered what it felt like – watching the film in the silver screen. Everything about it is just so magnanimous. It lasted two hours and forty-five minutes but the creators definitely were visionaries.
Some parts of the film made my eyes tear up (or perhaps I was just plain exhausted), including:
- The way Benjamin and Daisy embraced each other when the latter went back to New Orleans after recuperating from an accident.
- When they watched the sunrise together and Daisy tenderly said: ‘I promise not to lose myself to self-pity again.’
- Here’s another good scene: After Daisy’s return, they were sitting across each other. Daisy said: ‘You have not said two words.’ Whereas Benjamin, with his gaze anchored at her, quipped: ‘I don’t want to ruin anything.’
- When Benjamin took Daisy to her room and she closed the door behind them and all that you can hear was the lock clicking.
- The way Benjamin amorously said: ‘Absolutely.’ (Come on people, that scene is hard to forget)
- This line says it all: ‘Some things last.’
- The bittersweet moment when Benjamin was leaving his family and he left the money and the key on Daisy’s bedside table. Daisy was looking at him, trying to comprehend what he is doing and Benjamin looked at her, stunned and unable to say anything.
Here’s something that I wanted to share with you. This was the letter that Benjamin wrote for their daughter Caroline on her 13th birthday (if I am not mistaken):
‘For what it’s worth, it’s never too late or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There is no time limit. Stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best, darling.’
‘I hope you’d see things that stopped you. I hope that you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with different point of view. I hope you live a life you are proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.’
Written September 4, 2009
goody and kyla
today, a good friend of mine - kyla - is getting married.
i am delighted that you have found your sigh and your smile, your dream and your reality, your soul and your ecstasy.
i wish the two of you love, patience, respect, magic, enthusiasm, happiness, hope and faith. and if all of that which i have mentioned fails and you find yourselves in a chasm of helplessness and confusion, i wish you forgiveness.
today i offer you this sonnet:
LXVI
I do not love you - except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into
the fire. I love you only because it's you
I love; I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you
blindly. Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true
calm. In this part of the story I am the one who dies,
the only one, and I will die of love
because I love you, because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.
words of wisdom?!
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig tight and bull-strong.
Keeps skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink water upstream from the herd.
Good judgement comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgement.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody elses dog around.
Keeps skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink water upstream from the herd.
Good judgement comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgement.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody elses dog around.
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