let me take that back posted by imani , Tuesday, October 25, 2011 at 11:05 PM, in Labels: freefall

my lifetime and i have been on video chat for the better part of this morning. you see, we have a 5-hour difference between us, but what's amazing is that we are tireless in finding time to be 'together,' which i know is crucial, in all sense of the word.

around 9:00 o'clock earlier, she gave me the heads up that she's sleepy and i told her to head to slumber and that i will be right here looking at her and will maybe do some writing. given the narcoleptic that i am, it took less than 10 minutes for me to doze off and sleep 'beside' her. i woke up less than an hour ago and i was staring at the last few posts on this blog and was hit in the face by something.

jona 'did' give me a book. so sorry about that. i was looking at my shelf and i suddenly remembered that my wife handed me an edition of anne rice' 'the claiming of sleeping beauty' a few months ago. i know it was something she got from e-bay and i actually lost my copy about two or three years ago. it was published by plume, an imprint of the dutton signet publishing house.

i think i have told her about losing this book because of my stupidity once, and i understand that it took effort to look for a copy just like the one she handed to me. and as i have said, she doesn't really pick books for me because i like reading all different sorts of literature, however, i do know that my passion for reading is enough for my wife to remember the ones that i do like.

there was this time when i told jona why i started building my own little library - i said that it's in preparation for influencing our child when we do adopt. i want to make sure that rohan would have access to these materials - books i didn't have the chance to read when i was growing up because back then my family didn't have much and i usually get them as present from my ate mater during birthdays and christmases.

i mean, i know that reading anne rice is not for the faint of heart. what i do want to develop in our child is the appreciation for the written language. jona and i would kid about giving rohan a huge trouble - we'd imagine that in a few years, we would see her staring at this huge bookshelf - half of which would have medical books, and the other half, the stuff that i would usually read.

i told my wife that it does not matter what course or path our daughter would like to take on when she grows up. what counts is that she gets as educated as she could - that she would keep an open mind about anything and everything. that books are there for her imagination and consideration - and possibly, they are there too for her to pursue.

so yes, mahal - i slowly have dealt with the idea that rohan might have an inclination in the medical field just like her mom. and i don't suppose there's anything better than that. she could be a dentist and still love pablo neruda, or for this matter, get engrossed in the sleeping beauty tales as written by a.n. roquelaure.

finally posted by imani , Friday, October 21, 2011 at 2:53 AM, in Labels: freefall

after what seemed to be an endless wait, my wife finally called. i have been 'trying' to keep myself busy all day, knowing she's somewhere else and probably tired from work and is sleeping. i have thought of giving her a call but i did not want to spoil her rest. so i waited. and waited. and blogged in between. and waited some more.

a few minutes ago i heard her voice and it was a relief. to know that even when we have this distance between us, that even when we live in two different continents, we ache for and seek one another - whether at the onset or at the end of both our days.

the time difference takes its toll sometimes but we seem to have formed this unwritten and unspoken habit of being awake when the other one is, of sleeping beside each other (yes, we do find time frames when that can be done), we even eat and say our prayers with each other. there has never been a day that i didn't find her there waiting for me too.

i have learned not to count the days she has been away. instead i count down to the days we will see each other again - the days ahead of us when we will never have to be apart. i know we never really have been without each other. it is because of her i am breathing again, and it is because of her i am risking everything so i can be this resolute, so i can be this certain. because she deserves nothing less than who i am and all that i can offer.

a discovery posted by imani , at 1:32 AM, in Labels: freefall

okay, obviously, i couldn't sleep. and obviously, working at night has messed up my body clock. not messed up, erase that. working at night has ruined my body clock and i am still here.

and this next thing i am to talk about - i suppose i have heard of this or read about it one point or another in the last 5 or so years, but i only saw it for myself today.

laurel holloman, who plays tina kennard in the celebrated showtime lesbian drama the l word, is a painter. a freakin painter. with freakin i mean undeniably talented. true that laurel is one hell of an actor herself but she has totally given the word 'creative' an entirely new meaning. i am just in awe of this woman's talent.

i've made one awesome discovery for today - and i want to share this painting i saw on her website (laurelhollomanstudio.net):

in admiration of laurel's gift, i am listing her website under my bloglist (a passionate patience) - because her work is full of passion and patience and you guys just have to see the real deal.

laurel - if you ever stumble upon my blog, know that i only meant to show my readers something i thought was breathtakingly beautiful. and if you feel that i have trespassed you in any way, i'm happy to be your slave. and the best part is that my offer has no expiration date.

unfinished | sonnet three posted by imani , at 1:22 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the height measures the depth
the shadow measures the havoc
faith is left with nothing to
distinguish save the relentless

fragments seeping through
cracks and frames that i thought
was my own, arresting the vivid,
vicious cycle of coming after you

then running away, like time
diffusing within your hands
enveloping only nightmares

perishing in the dark,
listless, languishing laughter
of skies tainted by the lack of delight.

unfinished | sonnet two posted by imani , at 1:22 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the earth washed away now reveal
only brambles that hurt
flowers and flight have faded
and we fight for seconds

that offer synapses, moments
lost in midst, taking a step back
away from the fire, away from the
things that broke

my faith, from the hands that
caused my heart its bruises,
from the voices that scarred

what was left of my spirit,
from the ashes that gave birth
to an eternity of tears.

unfinished | sonnet one posted by imani , at 1:21 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the heart attempts to fathom
what has unraveled all these years,
the moments that held in it
thoughts, nuances, aches and dreams

then the soul begs to unfold, yet again
the stigma of blood and yearning
so it may begin to feel and understand
and discern and know

what it truly means to love
what it truly means to have faith
what it truly means to forgive

i go back to ceaseless beginnings
to wish for solitary midnights
i could just be the only one there.

things i love posted by imani , at 12:34 AM, in Labels: freefall

almost always, when i succumb to a hiatus and i come to my senses and initiate a post such as this one, i would begin by saying: "i am going back to the one thing i love." which is writing. which is sharing. which is discovering.

so allow me to introduce (again) my wife's 28th birthday gift for me - eros - a dual-core hp netbook. never mind the picture my wife took of me at 4 in the morning. i suppose what made the difference was when jona said she thought of giving me one because she knows i love to write, because she knows that if i have access to something like that, i would find a way to write something on my blog everyday.

though i really haven't written a lot for the better part of this year, i am grateful that i have someone who believes in the smallest capacity i hold when it came to writing. it has always been her belief in what i can do that pushed me to never stop writing or at least trying to write. whether it is something as random as this, or a sonnet or a love letter, she's always made it a point to appreciate what i have created.

i remember something though - before we took eros home, my wife cautioned me about one thing - never take work home. and i haven't. and i never will.

this is my shelf - and it was taken months back, i have more books now and my shelf - and most of the stuff i have inside my room now are pretty...disorganized. and even when i own about 250 books (or something to that effect), 50 of which i haven't read (that's a very rough estimate), i still keep buying books. i am unsure why, but there is this part of me that's satiated every time i buy myself a book. maybe i like the idea of filling a huge space (like this one), or the idea that when technology fails (www is unavailable for some reason), i can grab a good book and sit in a quiet corner and get my mind going.

jona has never attempted to get me a book, saying that i have myriad taste when it came to literature, but what i do like is the fact that when we spend time together, she'd read her school materials (my wife's an orthodontist) and i would be devouring whatever i could take from my library and we'd be talking to each other about what we have read or have been reading. it is a nice exercise and i love the idea that we could be interested in totally different things but we never fail to listen to what we both have to share.

a couple of days ago, i went to the sun cellular shop in mall of asia to get myself a broadband stick. i have been using a prepaid broadband stick (of another brand) and it was just a pain in the behind. it took forever to log in and it took forever to disconnect it. until i finally decided it's time i check other providers. so i did. jona and i had a scheduled cyber date that day and to both our surprise, the sun broadband kept our video real time for a consistent 3 hours. i had it bundled with my blackberry plan and for only php799 a month, i have unlimited internet access.

which is why i am here. which is why i am wide awake at 4 in the afternoon. which begs the next few lines -

thank you, my lifetime, for never ceasing to encourage me to write - whether it's for work or my own enjoyment. thank you, for enduring long coffee sessions with me so we can sit in front of each other and read what nourishes us and love every single second of it. lastly, thank you for always making it a point to meet in the middle with me. who would have thought that a fast and consistent internet connection is enough to make me giddy because we have a date and we can finally see each other again. i love you.

you make me the happiest posted by imani , Wednesday, September 28, 2011 at 10:56 PM, in Labels: freefall

my lifetime - i offer you nothing less than who i am and all that i will ever be.

eleven prayers posted by imani , Thursday, September 22, 2011 at 2:19 AM, in Labels: freefall

I pray that you are safe wherever you are. That He guides your heart to do what is right and that He leads you to the road where you found and left me. May you gather your strength to last every day believing that He will put us right back on the path where we met and have existed for so long, holding each other’s hands and seeing our dreams in each other’s eyes.

I pray that you find the courage to believe in our love and what we can and will do to sustain it. That you will believe once again in your capacity to endure greater things for us both. I always say that you shouldn’t ask for something you cannot give. I am asking for you to anchor your heart to mine for the rest of your life because that is what I will do, because that is what I have done from day one.

I pray that you see through the days without doubting that time will keep our hearts apart. You have become this stern and unwavering truth in my life and I hold on to you and to us every single day there is. Believe that all my hours are imbued with a desire which I cannot contain, a desire that spill over thoughts of wanting to hold nobody else but you for the rest of my life.

I pray that you will never lose sight of your own magic and energy. That you will never lose sight of your own light. The same magic, tenacity and light leads my heart out of dark nights and into a life, a dream, a future filled with so much love and hope. All these that I hold now are for you and you alone.

I pray that you will remain to be the person I have come to love and appreciate. Though change is inevitable, I want for you to know that my heart will continue to see all the beauty and grace that is in you, all the wonder and kindness that is you. Long as we are looking at the same direction, the same path, the same future, we will be each other’s constant and touchstone. The changes will only merit new discoveries for us both – they will give us something else to value in each other.

I pray that you know you are my compass. And even if it’s too grand of an idea, I hope you find it in your heart to believe in all the words and promises I have uttered. You steer my course to something brighter, something more hopeful. You lead my heart to a lifetime full of fire and passion. A life full of both dreams and realities.

I pray that you never stop believing in your gifts, that you never stop doing what you are passionate about – because only when you have loved yourself enough that you can sustain giving love to another. I will strive to do the same thing while we have all these ahead of us. If there is anything you have taught me, it is to look after myself and see the importance of following what makes me happy. But let me tell you this – in the end, you have also made me realize that the more I love myself, the more I am leaning to you, and the light you cast in my life. I am going to give it all back to you every day.

I pray that you continue to witness all the goodness you have in your life. The roads that forked and hurt us led us exactly where we found each other. Let us bless all those times we weren’t with each other – because they certainly made the waiting worth it and since you and I, there has not been a day empty of a surprise. I bless the moment I saw you in a different light, that moment I thought to myself: “If I could only love her and make her feel how much of myself I can offer.” I bless the moment you held me close to kiss me and said you love me. I bless the courage you took to be with me, and the faith I offered up to be who I am and who I always have been to you and for you – your best friend, your wife, your lifetime.

I pray that you will always hold my words within your heart. You are my muse and you are the cistern of my thoughts – and I intend living the rest of my life filling such space with love and desire and intensity and delight – until the day comes you will never feel you have to empty yourself in order to give. Remember you always have more than enough to give. I am flawed and imperfect and I have quirks that drive you insane – but I know one thing – that I can give you a lifetime of love and chances and surrender. Because I could not love you any other way, because you deserve nothing less.

I pray that you feel my love and the fire that burns steadily as I wait for you. You know I will keep my promise and I trust that you will come back. I have spared myself from thinking of how difficult things could and might be, all that I think of now is that I will have you for a lifetime, and that you will have me every waking second of your life. That has not stopped, actually. Though we are not together, you know I never left your side. I will be with you through this, I will see you through this. I will gather all that I understand of love and of strength of conviction and offer them to you. Hold on to us, hold on to me, my love.

I pray that your nights be gentle and your days be calm. I pray that before you succumb to slumber and say your own prayers, you think of us. And that you never stop trusting I will be with you, until the end. We create our own stories, so allow me to write this one with you. I ask that I spend all my days loving you like you have never felt before. That is all I ask. A chance, a moment, a lifetime.

we will always find a way posted by imani , at 2:10 AM, in Labels: freefall

to meet in the middle. to talk about just anything under the sun. to be with each other. to listen to one another. to spend hours staring at each other. to smile with each other. to revive our dreams everyday. to want nothing but what we have. to be grateful for each day we are loving. to feel blessed to be where we are. to desire no one else. to renew our faith. to know that what we have is unending. to fight for the great love that we share. to be each other's lifetime. to be the greatest love we will ever know.