thank you posted by imani , Sunday, August 31, 2008 at 9:47 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

you said it was me who taught you that

YOU WILL NEVER BE EMPTY.

it is you who reminded me that

NEITHER SHOULD I.

prime (part iii) posted by imani , Monday, August 25, 2008 at 2:24 AM, in Labels: freefall

I remember seeing Jessica sitting beside the booth where I got my Miguel Hernandez book.

I just realized I have been calling her by her first name. I hope she does not loathe me for doing so.

I was standing about a foot away from her, and I remembered how staring at her made me palpitate. She’s larger than life. Figuratively speaking. She just evokes this confidence that no one can explain. See…I am already struggling for words as I type this.

She intimidates the hell out of me just because she does. She is unquestionably one of the best Filipino writers we have. Period. Not only of her generation or my generation but possibly in the history of all of us Filipinos. Knowing how funny and ingenious her books are, writing about her now makes me feel like: (a) a daft (b) a retard (c) brain-damaged. You know what, make that (d) all of the above.

So I mustered all the courage that I could, took a deep breath and went up to her. I have this slightly and naturally deep voice for my age and my size, so what I did I modulated my voice. I called her attention using a smaller voice. I felt like a cat whimpering in her presence. Here’s our entire conversation (as I recall it):

Me: Hello, Jessica.
…Awkwardness…
Me: Can you sign this book
…Silence…

In a parallel universe, Jessica would have looked at me one second and would have eaten me alive the next. Thank God we are in this universe. So she looked at me and uttered:

Jessica: For who?
…Pregnant pause…
Me: (after clearing my throat) Me.
Jessica: What’s your name?
Me: Téa. T-E-A.

And she took the book (actually, her book) from my hands, flapped the cover and neatly wrote:

For Tea

Jessica Zafra
21.04.2007

In blue ink. I would have asked for her to write on her book using black ink, but by that time I already have passed out and the last thing I heard was Jessica screaming for them to douse me with cold water.

prime (part ii) posted by imani , at 2:11 AM, in Labels: freefall

Other women who made it on my ‘Hot List’: Jennifer Beals (44), Gillian Anderson (40), Jeniffer Garner (36), Nicole Kidman (41), Vanessa Williams (45), Kate Beckinsale (35), Michelle Pfeiffer (50), Monica Bellucci (43). Sylvia Plath, whom I revere and admire to the point of stupor, would have made it on my list, but she died at 31.

I know that I already talked about Angelina Jolie. I can't help it.

I just wanted to put another picture of her.

Hehehe.

Okay, I'll stop now. Promise.

Anyway. She probably will never know that I wrote something about her, she probably never will find out, or if she does, she probably won’t ever believe it. Anyway, nothing and no one will stop me. Jessica Zafra. I just had to mention her name. I believe she’s at least around 42 or 43. I met her…no actually, the more appropriate term would be that I had a ‘chance encounter’ with her sometime in April of 2007. I went to the International Book Day at Instituto Cervantes (in Kalaw, Manila). So when I got to I.C., I went around for a while, looked at the place, even entered the library. I scoured for good titles. Luckily, I was able to get myself a copy of Miguel Hernandez’ superlative poetry collection 'Recoged esta voz' and 'Waking Ice', a Ricardo M. De Ungria classic.

After reading a number of her books, I know that she really does not give a damn about what other people think of her. That she does not give so much regard for men in general. Her lighter and more considerate depiction of men were intended only for celebrities like Sting and David Duchovny.

So going back to Jessica, I scoured some more, and saw a sign that said she will only autograph books that were purchased on the book fair. So I picked a copy of Womenagerie. The end.

No seriously. So I waited for the wall to spew Jessica out. And waited some more. Then I finally heard a voice over the P.A. that she’s in the same building as I am. I am breathing the same fusion of oxygen and carbon dioxide with her. OMG. It’s real, after all.

prime (part i) posted by imani , at 1:41 AM, in Labels: freefall

Yes. You guessed it right. I am talking about WOMEN. My kind. The species that brought all other humans to Earth through a rather painful and life-threatening process – birth. Don’t tell me you were hoping to read we were brought here by Martians or Little Green Men. Please.

Basically, I am writing this to simply help my brain comprehend and digest the fact that women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s have become hotter now more than ever. Hot. One way or another. Others might share the same insight. Others might not. I could care less, really.

To begin with –

Angelina Jolie. That’s it. Thank you. Wrap up guys.

Up to this very moment, I still believe that when she was born, she came with a warning sign that said:

YOU CANNOT HANDLE THIS.

Maybe I am just imagining things. Maybe it's true.

What I know is that I won't mind at all - if she'd skin me alive or eat my entrails while I look at her. Kidding. I don't think she's capable of threatening people. Sometimes she just makes them feel they look inferior, that's all.

Angelina just turned 33 this year. And I think I, if not we, could blame the increase in the Earth’s temperature to her over the last three decades. Because of her, solving global warming has become even more difficult. You cannot annihilate Angelina Jolie so you can save the world. It’s not her fault to be so insanely beautiful. She practically embodied my idea of lusciousness and hotness when I was growing up. And she is inarguably gorgeous. Not to mention that she has established herself as a humanitarian. For that I think she earned a gazillion brownie points in heaven. In terms of appeal, I think she is the standard to which all the others are compared. If I would ever meet Angelina, I would gladly tell her that I would be her slave; I would cut her toenails for her and take her clothes to the drycleaners for free. Angelina – if you would ever read this, I hope you would consider my offer and please know that my offer does not and will not expire.

I hope you all remember Jodie Foster, known for her role as Clarice Starling. Aside from being Hannibal Lecter’s love interest in the movie, she was also a constant figure in my daydreams and fantasies. Now I know that made me sound like a sex lunatic but I won’t take it back. I know that The Silence of the Lambs really isn’t something you would like for a kid in grade school to watch, but what happened already happened. So don’t worry Mom, I grew up normal, sans the tendencies to wear masks or practice cannibalism. Oh and by the way, she’s 46 years old now.

something to ponder on posted by imani , at 12:24 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

interested parties of the other gender...

for reasons apparent or unknown ~

beware of women with more books than clothes...

that includes me.

i think so posted by imani , Friday, August 22, 2008 at 6:23 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

even without a cigarette in my hand, i know i can don a mohawk and still ROCK!!!

a day of reckoning posted by imani , at 9:29 AM, in Labels: freefall

Waking up today made me feel queasy. Like something has changed or has been changed. Today is different in a sense that I seem to be more lethargic…or the day seems to be more discouraging.

I was literally dragging the toothbrush across my teeth and just totally lost the adrenaline junkie in me. I absolutely did not feel the need to whack myself to wake the hell out of me. It all felt alright to be catatonic. It all felt alright to simply let things be.

I just learned that one of my best friends at work is going…is leaving (for the greater good). And with that said, it is inevitable that she leaves us.

I hate this feeling. The feeling that something bad is looming in the horizon. The feeling that something will happen and that ‘something’ will change the course of things when it occurs.

I do not fear for my best friend (Chika Grande) – I know that she will be okay and that everything will be alright. Perhaps, now, more than anything, I fear the idea (and soon the reality) that I won’t be able to bask in her presence…that she won’t be around too much. I sure will miss her light, humor and laughter. I am afraid of having to deal with that too soon.

It is like everything that I have been trying to avoid for the past two years is suddenly being magnified to a terrifying degree…and that is the plausibility that again, of course, since we are (I would like to believe) grown ups, we need to make decisions that might involve not being around each other constantly.

Since I created this blog, I have wanted to write something about my doyens – that is – my best buds at work. Basically, ‘doyen’ is synonymous to ‘master.’ So all three of us are masters of something. J is the Doyen of Weird Attraction – that means she attracts weirdness. You name it. Weird situations, weird notions, weird people. E is the Doyen of Forced Abstinence, and I think that already says a lot. Alternately, E can be called the Doyen of Lewdness and Lechery, which, I think, again, would already give us ‘not’ the vaguest idea about my best guy friend. E and J gave each other’s names.

I know at this point you probably are already getting irritated – that is just how we really call each other, by our initials.

And of course, I am T. I christened myself. I gave myself my own name. I don’t know why. It just happened. I think for the longest time I did not have a name so I invented one. I am the Doyen of Contradictions and Complications. And if J and E were here they would say that the name is apt and that I can actually be complicated without ever diminishing my hotness (ahahah…now that’s purely me).

The Doyens, circa 2006. That would be me on the left...when I was growing my mohawk. That's definitely E (our major male influence, because, well, he's the only guy in the trinity) - after 4 bottles of beer. And that's J...without any sleep and mortified by the fact that she attracted two weirdos who never will be out of her life, even when she wants for them to be.

Today is a day of reckoning – a day when we need to sum up all the best and the worst that has happened the last two years. Today is also a day for answers. And the truth is that nothing will ever be lost. Nothing will ever be forgotten. I am sure that we will always look after one another, even when we don’t work in the same friggin place anymore.

They both have hauled the very best out of me. They are the reason why the pathetic becomes tolerable and why the unacceptable can be…well, considered. Their magic and wisdom has guided me and will continue to guide me. I will miss J. I will miss having to see all the three of us together.

But whatever happens…you both will always be my stoplight.

awakening posted by imani , Wednesday, August 20, 2008 at 6:37 PM, in Labels: freefall

We almost ended it.

For the past two weeks we have successfully wreaked havoc in each other’s supposedly normal and ordinary life.

I have my reasons for asking her for some time, for a ‘break,’ for some space. But each and every time we touch that subject we both end up throwing a lot many words and the tendency of course is for everything else to get lost in translation.

But that’s not the point. The point is – every time a frontier dawns before us, we are always led to remember what we both have done and sacrificed to stay together this long. Thank God that always happens.

I remember crying with her and to her because of things I ‘think’ I cannot take anymore, not because they have become too heavy but because at one point it all felt useless to keep holding on.

And then I remembered seeing only the truth in her eyes.

The truth that there couldn’t be anything more painful than walking away from the one I love the most. The truth that there is nothing that I cannot attempt or learn to accept – if it meant holding her longer and keeping her forever.

The truth that everything I fear has manifested and has become tangible all because I am going to be without her.

I am not sure if she still believes me when I say that I love her. And that I intend to keep her for always.

I am staying not because I think nothing else awaits me if we’d part. I am not staying because this is the most convenient thing to do. I am staying because I understand what it means to fight for you and for us. I am staying because I understand that there would be so much to regret if I decide to let you go. I am staying with you because I know that I would not miss this for the world. I am staying because you have become my light and my life. I am staying because of you.

Nothing has changed – even when I was overcome by my confusion and was drowning in the reality of things beyond my control – I hope you still find in your heart – my unaltered and ever constant passion and longing for you.

My only one.

evacuation plan posted by imani , Saturday, August 16, 2008 at 2:01 PM, in Labels: freefall

I just realized that I do not have one.

I mean, if things suddenly go wrong, I do not have an escape plan, a contingency plan to follow. I know nothing of a failsafe procedure to prevent the sh*t from hitting the fan.

The other day I was staring at our (office) evacuation plan. Well, I suppose everyone knows what it looks like. It’s got a mark that says ‘YOU ARE HERE’ and arrows that would lead you to the building’s exit.

I hope I have something like that in my life. Maybe a simple map that would show me where I am as of a certain moment…and would tell me what other paths I can take to get myself somewhere.

Because I feel like I have lost all sense of direction. I feel like I have been wandering to no end. I am definitely not saying that my life is empty, I suppose what I want to say is that I go from senselessness to finding my purpose then back to senselessness again. There is a cycle, yes, I do not doubt that…but like I what I mentioned on my other post, it is a vicious cycle and it is starting to exhaust me. It is starting to take its toll on me.

Realizing that I do not have a plan in place in case of emergency really bothered me. And to come up with one is a matter of national security.

Yet I am in limbo. When have I not been in one anyway?! I am torn between continuing to be the spontaneous person that I am and turning out to be an obsessive compulsive masochist who plans for her life for the next ten years and gets disgruntled each and every time the plan falters. I am not sure if I am ready to see ‘that.’

Just like what my best friend J aka Chica Grande said: “Uncertainty leaves room for wonder.”

Uncertainty does. Certainly.

It leaves room for wonder. And one hell of a space for so many other things – soul-searching, for one. But the odds are apparent. In uncertainty, we can either be victors or victims of tragedy.

But whether I fall or succeed, whether I come up with a plan or not…there is one thing I know I am sure of -

Regardless of what happens, the sense of wonder and amazement will remain within. And if and when I stumble, I know I would be grateful. Road blocks and my own personal limitations simply would tell me that there is a lot to learn and that we never can really prepare for everything.

thriving in darkness posted by imani , Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 6:10 PM, in Labels: freefall

Let me give you the truth. And untruth.

I am the ugliest person I know. I am irrational, insensitive, inconsiderate, doubting, untrusting. I am someone without form or character. I am someone who continually disappoints those around me. I am someone who remembers even the smallest, dumbest things. There is something wrong with me, I know. I am always inquisitive. I almost always do not believe the first answer I get.

I am twisted. I forbid change. I am a low form of animal for I have leveled myself with those who do not exist in my universe. It is that which we fear the most that ends up eating us alive and inside out. It is what we avoid that normally manifests in front of us when we least expect it.