the moon spun from her eyes like mirrorball
in the dense, broad, cathartic luminescence
of my tangled thoughts i catch her fervid
stares one by one, fiber by fiber
and allow, with my hands, to breathe and exalt
each fading memory, every unjaded molecule
that sings to her, as her wings open to caress
the wind caught in the dimmest angle of daylight
these words forlorn in the unraveling of seconds
destined to be ignited by a lonely passion,
a desolate rage, a final cause
to die at last in your arms, in your air and in your glances
to beg and to suffer sweetly, willfully,
ardently tasting the fractures of your stone.
persephone | sonnet four
hymn the silence our of her pursed desperate lips
the shaded night enveloped by glass wanting a clear view
of this profound, denied yearning of the landscapes that once
belonged to you, a nymph, a goddess
trudging the ice thin layer of my understanding, battling my foe
that is ~ the blinding sun of my desire
enraged in the noiselessness of the war that
began in your waking dream
how do i shut my ears from hearing the siren
how do i shut my eyes from seeing the forbidden
ecstasy of your leaping, laborious languor
perhaps the bodiless angst of my scorching, burning, flaming
self will endure one harrowing breath
for an unobstructed sense of you.
the shaded night enveloped by glass wanting a clear view
of this profound, denied yearning of the landscapes that once
belonged to you, a nymph, a goddess
trudging the ice thin layer of my understanding, battling my foe
that is ~ the blinding sun of my desire
enraged in the noiselessness of the war that
began in your waking dream
how do i shut my ears from hearing the siren
how do i shut my eyes from seeing the forbidden
ecstasy of your leaping, laborious languor
perhaps the bodiless angst of my scorching, burning, flaming
self will endure one harrowing breath
for an unobstructed sense of you.
persephone | sonnet three
to be taken, ravaged, devoured
then to be divided by my desire to
love you ever more and dwell in the
passionate flower your dews give life to
chained to the night of magic and
fireworks, weaving your words onto the
bow of my violin, slowly, painfully caressed
by your sensual, unforgiving smile
my soul nurtured by your hands,
the twilight blossoming before my very
eyes ~ crowded with an imagined beauty
leaning, longing, awaiting the rain to
drench me, inebriate me, as I head to
slumber remembering the shape of your face.
then to be divided by my desire to
love you ever more and dwell in the
passionate flower your dews give life to
chained to the night of magic and
fireworks, weaving your words onto the
bow of my violin, slowly, painfully caressed
by your sensual, unforgiving smile
my soul nurtured by your hands,
the twilight blossoming before my very
eyes ~ crowded with an imagined beauty
leaning, longing, awaiting the rain to
drench me, inebriate me, as I head to
slumber remembering the shape of your face.
persephone | sonnet two
for once i will allow your earth to take
my happiness away, to lock it up and throw the keys
to oblivion, for i have come upon the truth
that my delight is in making you feel
needed, wanted, yearned for and dreamed about
in nights that languish with despair
in moments that perish in the remembrance
of your calm, unchanging voice
the ceaseless, unwavering fancy of hopes that
spring from your endlessness, from the endlessness
of what we have and what we still will
have ~ the night wanders with faith
and belief in the promises that last,
in days that evolve into eden.
my happiness away, to lock it up and throw the keys
to oblivion, for i have come upon the truth
that my delight is in making you feel
needed, wanted, yearned for and dreamed about
in nights that languish with despair
in moments that perish in the remembrance
of your calm, unchanging voice
the ceaseless, unwavering fancy of hopes that
spring from your endlessness, from the endlessness
of what we have and what we still will
have ~ the night wanders with faith
and belief in the promises that last,
in days that evolve into eden.
persephone | sonnet one
leaves descend upon the arid nothingness of
forgotten embraces, haunted only by the faint
memory of your eyes withdrawn from all
that makes sense, this earth waiting for
an apparition, a ghost, a phantom
a sharp remembrance of sweetness,
like the timid succulence of cherries
at dawn, like the fleeting tenderness of your
hands that move me like no one else can
like no one else will be permitted to
rushing the autumn to disappear into
a pallid, tormented sheathe of paper that
breaks and distorts itself through time
lingering for you.
forgotten embraces, haunted only by the faint
memory of your eyes withdrawn from all
that makes sense, this earth waiting for
an apparition, a ghost, a phantom
a sharp remembrance of sweetness,
like the timid succulence of cherries
at dawn, like the fleeting tenderness of your
hands that move me like no one else can
like no one else will be permitted to
rushing the autumn to disappear into
a pallid, tormented sheathe of paper that
breaks and distorts itself through time
lingering for you.
today
Today I will begin. Today I will take the beaten path and call it sacred. Today I will hymn love holy. Today is only the start of something more enlightening, more uplifting, and I will bask in its light. Today I will remember myself. Today I will create more dreams and make them come true. Today I will say I love you because I always have and always will. Today I will believe that such love is as real and honest and tangible as it could get. Today I will continue to hope.
Today I will stop for a moment to look at the seconds we lost to piercing stares and pointless arguments. Today I will stop for a moment to relish all the nights we spent in each other’s arms building memories, delighting our senses with the air that carries the scent of our bodies after making love. Today I will stop for a second to praise Him for giving you to me. Today I will stop for a second to be grateful for all that I have learned and felt and known the last three years.
But…
Today I will promise to love you silently until I am void of the need for you. Today I will wait for the sunlight to touch my skin. Today I will look at the avenues I once travelled with you and reach for myself, instead of your hand. Today I will appreciate each moment I was able to call you my own, each moment we lost to piercing stares and pointless arguments, each moment I spent resting in your arms and know that I will always carry the memories within…
And finally understand the truth that I do not have to wait for anything or anyone to tell me when to begin.
a hymn to persephone
The last month that I did not see her was the toughest obstacle I ever had to confront. It was almost this unbreakable, impenetrable wall that I (it seemed) had to slam my will against every time I realize just how genuine it is.
Despite the circumstances being harsh and unfortunate, I learned just how much she means to me now, more than ever. And because of that terrifying absence I learned so much more about myself than I possibly could in the last six months of my life.
In order to be with her ~ at least in my thoughts ~ I had to conjure darkness and pain and the unflinching claw of our separation, then battle the demons myself ~ battle the very same reasons why she and I are apart. But like all things that make us, it was worth it.
It always is.
And one of the best things that were borne out of not seeing her is this collection of sonnets that I offer her for her twenty eighth birthday. It wasn’t just because of ‘tradition’ that I decided to write about her again. It was because she always have encouraged me to write what I feel, in whatever design or manner. It is because she has always challenged me ~ the extent and the limits of what I can do. So I knew that to write all those sonnets in less than thirty days would be the best way I can take on the challenge. Plus I really liked the idea of doing something I have always dreaded, something that scares me senseless, something that has never really been attempted before.
More than anything, I started to write poetry again because it is the form that felt most natural to me and for me ~ but I never will say that my words will suffice or that it is all that she is and all that she could ever be.
This is to honor her ~ the one love I wish I never had to hurt, the one love I wish I did not have to let go of, the one person that made me realize love can be real and tangible after all ~ because she breathes and exists and exalts the glory of this life in ways that are raw and pure and uncomplicated ~ by loving herself and others without borders.
Despite the circumstances being harsh and unfortunate, I learned just how much she means to me now, more than ever. And because of that terrifying absence I learned so much more about myself than I possibly could in the last six months of my life.
In order to be with her ~ at least in my thoughts ~ I had to conjure darkness and pain and the unflinching claw of our separation, then battle the demons myself ~ battle the very same reasons why she and I are apart. But like all things that make us, it was worth it.
It always is.
And one of the best things that were borne out of not seeing her is this collection of sonnets that I offer her for her twenty eighth birthday. It wasn’t just because of ‘tradition’ that I decided to write about her again. It was because she always have encouraged me to write what I feel, in whatever design or manner. It is because she has always challenged me ~ the extent and the limits of what I can do. So I knew that to write all those sonnets in less than thirty days would be the best way I can take on the challenge. Plus I really liked the idea of doing something I have always dreaded, something that scares me senseless, something that has never really been attempted before.
More than anything, I started to write poetry again because it is the form that felt most natural to me and for me ~ but I never will say that my words will suffice or that it is all that she is and all that she could ever be.
This is to honor her ~ the one love I wish I never had to hurt, the one love I wish I did not have to let go of, the one person that made me realize love can be real and tangible after all ~ because she breathes and exists and exalts the glory of this life in ways that are raw and pure and uncomplicated ~ by loving herself and others without borders.
anthem
Before I took my two day hiatus, I resolved to finish Ayn Rand’s novella, Anthem. And I did. And it felt like an accomplishment really. I have this nasty habit of reading 2-3 books at a time, most specially if I encounter a plateau on one of the novels I am reading. But that wasn’t the case with Rand’s Anthem.
I was drawn to the novel with the first sentence she ever wrote down. Rand said ‘It is a sin to write this. It is a sin to think words no others think and to put them down upon a paper no others are to see.’
The story opens in a dark, futuristic world where people without a sense of identity exists in dystopia, or what is also alternately called cacotopia – characterized as a fictional society where people suffer from all sorts of deprivation, oppression and terror. Both terms were coined in contrast to Thomas More’s idea of a utopia – an ideal place.
In a tunnel, Equality 7-2521 explains bits and pieces of his bleak existence. He dwells in a place that breathes in the irrationality of socialism. The World Council is bent on eliminating any and all individualist thoughts – which is why everyone talks to everybody else using plural pronouns (we, our, they). People who assert their individuality (by mere utterance of the word ‘I’) are burned at the stake and are what Equality 7-2521 calls The Saints of the Pyre.
He was raised, like all children in the world of Anthem, away from their parents and was sent to the Home of the Students. He excelled in math and science and dreamed of being a scholar but everyone’s fate is decided upon by the Council of Vocations and he was tasked to be a Street Sweeper. For the rest of his life.
Children are conceived in the Palaces of Mating, and it is deemed a crime in this society to do anything other than what you have been sentenced to do. But Equality 7-2521 remained curious, undertaking scientific experiments when he has fulfilled his work for the day. He rediscovers electricity and creates what can be compared to a light bulb.
He meets Liberty 5-3000, a woman whom he eventually will fall in love with, an act, a thought that is nonetheless prohibited, but the protagonists’ understanding of each other’s plight draws them to one another. Equality 7-2521 calls Liberty 5-3000 ‘The Golden One’ whilst she calls him ‘The Unconquered.’
One afternoon, Equality 7-2521 spends too much time working on his experiments and was caught. He was taken to the Palace of Corrective Detention where he was kept and tortured and lashed for days without end, however, his will to live and see a better world urged him to stay alive until he was able to find a means to escape.
He takes his invention to the Council of Scholars and everyone was taken aback and appalled because it was not ‘authorized’ and would definitely tip the equilibrium of their society. They tried to seize his invention from him but before they could do that, he ran away and went to the Uncharted Forest.
There he was haunted by the idea of leaving all those who mattered to him behind. But he was never destroyed by fear. He has nothing to lose.
Then he was followed by Liberty 5-3000, and it was in this encounter they realized what they hold for each other but struggled to verbalize their emotions. In the Uncharted Forest, they stumble upon a century-old house built during the Unmentionable Times (before the creation of Anthem) and in it they found scrolls upon scrolls containing the Unspeakable Word – ‘I.’ They learned the sanctity and value of individuality and Equality 7-2521 decided to call himself ‘Prometheus’ – the Titan who stole fire from the God Zeus and gives it to mankind. Prometheus, as we all know it, was punished and was chained to a rock where carrion birds fed on his liver in the day and by night his flesh grows back so he may be devoured again and again for the rest of his life. He also grants Liberty 5-3000 a new identity – he calls her Gaea, a titan of the earth and mother of the Gods.
The narrative ends with Prometheus talking about how he wants to help his friends regain their individuality and from then on start to plan for a future where reason, values and volition are not to be considered transgressions. The last word on the book is ‘EGO’ – the same word Prometheus inscribed on the rock he was chained to.
Anthem is the second work I have read of Rand, the first being ‘The Fountainhead.’ And already, I am drawn to her thought process. Her philosophy, Objectivism is based on the principle that reality is an objective absolute, that man must perceive and understand reality in order to survive. She also said that one’s highest value is one’s ability to reason. She said that man is the means himself – this means he will never sacrifice himself for others and will never sacrifice others for himself.
I cannot wait to read her most popular novel, Atlas Shrugged. Though I would have to confess, I am daunted by the 1000+ pages.
The story opens in a dark, futuristic world where people without a sense of identity exists in dystopia, or what is also alternately called cacotopia – characterized as a fictional society where people suffer from all sorts of deprivation, oppression and terror. Both terms were coined in contrast to Thomas More’s idea of a utopia – an ideal place.
In a tunnel, Equality 7-2521 explains bits and pieces of his bleak existence. He dwells in a place that breathes in the irrationality of socialism. The World Council is bent on eliminating any and all individualist thoughts – which is why everyone talks to everybody else using plural pronouns (we, our, they). People who assert their individuality (by mere utterance of the word ‘I’) are burned at the stake and are what Equality 7-2521 calls The Saints of the Pyre.
He was raised, like all children in the world of Anthem, away from their parents and was sent to the Home of the Students. He excelled in math and science and dreamed of being a scholar but everyone’s fate is decided upon by the Council of Vocations and he was tasked to be a Street Sweeper. For the rest of his life.
Children are conceived in the Palaces of Mating, and it is deemed a crime in this society to do anything other than what you have been sentenced to do. But Equality 7-2521 remained curious, undertaking scientific experiments when he has fulfilled his work for the day. He rediscovers electricity and creates what can be compared to a light bulb.
He meets Liberty 5-3000, a woman whom he eventually will fall in love with, an act, a thought that is nonetheless prohibited, but the protagonists’ understanding of each other’s plight draws them to one another. Equality 7-2521 calls Liberty 5-3000 ‘The Golden One’ whilst she calls him ‘The Unconquered.’
One afternoon, Equality 7-2521 spends too much time working on his experiments and was caught. He was taken to the Palace of Corrective Detention where he was kept and tortured and lashed for days without end, however, his will to live and see a better world urged him to stay alive until he was able to find a means to escape.
He takes his invention to the Council of Scholars and everyone was taken aback and appalled because it was not ‘authorized’ and would definitely tip the equilibrium of their society. They tried to seize his invention from him but before they could do that, he ran away and went to the Uncharted Forest.
There he was haunted by the idea of leaving all those who mattered to him behind. But he was never destroyed by fear. He has nothing to lose.
Then he was followed by Liberty 5-3000, and it was in this encounter they realized what they hold for each other but struggled to verbalize their emotions. In the Uncharted Forest, they stumble upon a century-old house built during the Unmentionable Times (before the creation of Anthem) and in it they found scrolls upon scrolls containing the Unspeakable Word – ‘I.’ They learned the sanctity and value of individuality and Equality 7-2521 decided to call himself ‘Prometheus’ – the Titan who stole fire from the God Zeus and gives it to mankind. Prometheus, as we all know it, was punished and was chained to a rock where carrion birds fed on his liver in the day and by night his flesh grows back so he may be devoured again and again for the rest of his life. He also grants Liberty 5-3000 a new identity – he calls her Gaea, a titan of the earth and mother of the Gods.
The narrative ends with Prometheus talking about how he wants to help his friends regain their individuality and from then on start to plan for a future where reason, values and volition are not to be considered transgressions. The last word on the book is ‘EGO’ – the same word Prometheus inscribed on the rock he was chained to.
Anthem is the second work I have read of Rand, the first being ‘The Fountainhead.’ And already, I am drawn to her thought process. Her philosophy, Objectivism is based on the principle that reality is an objective absolute, that man must perceive and understand reality in order to survive. She also said that one’s highest value is one’s ability to reason. She said that man is the means himself – this means he will never sacrifice himself for others and will never sacrifice others for himself.
I cannot wait to read her most popular novel, Atlas Shrugged. Though I would have to confess, I am daunted by the 1000+ pages.
chapstick tales
I am a lip balm whore. Pardon my French. I have been using lip balms for as long as I can remember. I started with the cherry flavored chapstick (long before Katy Perry started singing about a girl she had kissed who used a fruit flavored lip balm) then slowly switched to the mint flavored one. Kinda like when I was starting to smoke – I used Marlboro lights then Marlboro menthol.
There is something about me and minty stuff. Maybe in a past life I was a koala that munched on eucalyptus leaves. That’s not so bad.
I cannot live without a balm – lest I want for the recurring windburn and chapping make me look like I have herpes simplex. I remember when I was growing up, I’d have this ‘extra line’ around my lips whenever it’s time for the holidays – because again, the weather changed. I’d say using chapstick not only boosted my morale but saved me from being bullied at school.
All the irregularities in my body pretty much is caused by sudden changes in temperature – when it is too hot or too cold, I get allergies. When it’s too hot or too cold, my lips become so dry the Sahara desert would have me as a competition (obviously I am exaggerating – if that’s what happened I’d probably be dead already).
I have a stash of a lot of different things – cds, vcds, dvds (fakes and authentic), cassette tapes, magazines, books, journals, datebooks, poetry motebooks…and…used chapsticks. I am an oddball I know. But I only saved those that I have used last year (swear)! Ahahaha. The picture you’ll be looking at has at least 23 or 24 lip balms.
I cannot live without a balm – lest I want for the recurring windburn and chapping make me look like I have herpes simplex. I remember when I was growing up, I’d have this ‘extra line’ around my lips whenever it’s time for the holidays – because again, the weather changed. I’d say using chapstick not only boosted my morale but saved me from being bullied at school.
All the irregularities in my body pretty much is caused by sudden changes in temperature – when it is too hot or too cold, I get allergies. When it’s too hot or too cold, my lips become so dry the Sahara desert would have me as a competition (obviously I am exaggerating – if that’s what happened I’d probably be dead already).
I have a stash of a lot of different things – cds, vcds, dvds (fakes and authentic), cassette tapes, magazines, books, journals, datebooks, poetry motebooks…and…used chapsticks. I am an oddball I know. But I only saved those that I have used last year (swear)! Ahahaha. The picture you’ll be looking at has at least 23 or 24 lip balms.
The average life span of a chapstick in my possession? No more than 2 weeks. This is part of my regimen. I don’t put make up on, I am a water and facial wash girl…and I can never be without my chapstick. 2 weeks is also the average life span (probably) of your college fling…if you had one. It is also the average life span of your college fling’s number on your phone book after you ditch him or her.
Obviously I am the kind who likes to ramble. I can talk about anything and everything non-stop (specially when there is alcohol/coffee and cigarettes involved). I can talk about the most marvelous, moving things to the most unusual or mundane stuff – which is precisely the reason I am writing about possibly one of the bestest best friends I have ever had – my dear spearmint chapstick.
Each time I run out of chapstick, I am usually restless and distressed, an addict shivering because the withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. Erick has, countless of times, seen me search alleys of drugstores or grocery stores desperately for them chapsticks.
And Erick would always say only one thing when he sees me finally get my ‘chapstick fix’ – which is - I look like I am raping it. And I still don’t know how I should take that ahahah.
Obviously I am the kind who likes to ramble. I can talk about anything and everything non-stop (specially when there is alcohol/coffee and cigarettes involved). I can talk about the most marvelous, moving things to the most unusual or mundane stuff – which is precisely the reason I am writing about possibly one of the bestest best friends I have ever had – my dear spearmint chapstick.
Each time I run out of chapstick, I am usually restless and distressed, an addict shivering because the withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. Erick has, countless of times, seen me search alleys of drugstores or grocery stores desperately for them chapsticks.
And Erick would always say only one thing when he sees me finally get my ‘chapstick fix’ – which is - I look like I am raping it. And I still don’t know how I should take that ahahah.
a poignant metaphor
That’s what I would call the next couple of photographs you all would see.
Those were tickets to most (I think I threw some away, or left them on the bus or I need to check my other bags to see if there’s any left) of my trips to and from Clark.
I only have good memories of that place. And more than anything, you were the reason I did not mind the distance (of having to travel a total of 2 hours one way) or the exhaustion (sometimes coming home to you after my shift…everyday…so we can have lunch together).
We gave the phrase ‘meet halfway’ a totally different, refreshing and deeper meaning.
I am feeling nostalgic right now. I couldn’t think of anything but all the wonderful things we have between us. We both have survived a lot of things – the hurt, the pain, the distance, the opportunities we did not have the courage to take for the sake of us, the risks we have taken from the very onset so there may be a mine and yours.
The photographs depict one thing – the truth – that we have followed our bliss and will continue to follow our happiness wherever it goes.
I will never cease being grateful for having found you. I sometimes couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you – and we are only at the beginning.
I pray that you will never tire of seeking new beginnings with me. I pray that you will never tire of dreaming to see sunrises and sunsets with me. I pray that we grow stronger and more faithful everyday so we may find each other at the end of all the broken roads that kept us apart.
It wasn’t the place that had me coming back for more. It was you. It was, it is and will always be you. You are the reason why I am assured that all journeys are never without value or fervor, you are the reason the journey began in the first place, you are the reason the journey will never end.
Those were tickets to most (I think I threw some away, or left them on the bus or I need to check my other bags to see if there’s any left) of my trips to and from Clark.
I only have good memories of that place. And more than anything, you were the reason I did not mind the distance (of having to travel a total of 2 hours one way) or the exhaustion (sometimes coming home to you after my shift…everyday…so we can have lunch together).
We gave the phrase ‘meet halfway’ a totally different, refreshing and deeper meaning.
I am feeling nostalgic right now. I couldn’t think of anything but all the wonderful things we have between us. We both have survived a lot of things – the hurt, the pain, the distance, the opportunities we did not have the courage to take for the sake of us, the risks we have taken from the very onset so there may be a mine and yours.
The photographs depict one thing – the truth – that we have followed our bliss and will continue to follow our happiness wherever it goes.
I will never cease being grateful for having found you. I sometimes couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you – and we are only at the beginning.
I pray that you will never tire of seeking new beginnings with me. I pray that you will never tire of dreaming to see sunrises and sunsets with me. I pray that we grow stronger and more faithful everyday so we may find each other at the end of all the broken roads that kept us apart.
It wasn’t the place that had me coming back for more. It was you. It was, it is and will always be you. You are the reason why I am assured that all journeys are never without value or fervor, you are the reason the journey began in the first place, you are the reason the journey will never end.
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