chasing ghosts posted by imani , Saturday, May 2, 2009 at 2:26 PM, in Labels: freefall

I am writing this as the hour is about to close. The last minute before another full hour is unveiled.

Today feels like a ‘better’ day to let go. I said ‘better’ because there never would be a really great day to let go – especially if I am talking about letting you go. The last few years have been this undeniable heartbreak. Carrying your memories within me, I meant. It was inevitable, yet I don’t want to be telling myself that ‘I should have seen this coming.’

If I saw this coming and stopped from the very onset I would not have realized how much I can endure for you. Or how much I can endure because of you.

I am not blaming you for anything. I am not going to walk around as if I am the only one who has been hurt or as if I am the only person entitled to feel awkward or unruly about all that has been.

I just do not want to go on another day looking at the things we have committed or failed to commit magnified to a terrifying degree. And all this time it feels like I am the only person to be blamed for the mess. I never knew what you wanted and you never asked about what I wanted and everyone else had the painful impression that somehow, I was the one who left you hanging.

I no longer want to be construed as the culprit for this disaster. I only wanted to keep you. I only wanted to be the person you can go to when you feel lost. I only wanted to be there for you. But I haven’t been exactly able to do that – not because I am too caught up in my own chaos but because I wasn’t given any other option but to silence myself. And my heart.

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel neglected or forsaken. However, there is no undoing – it was a mistake to not be upfront with you. It was a mistake simply to let things by and not clarify my side of the story. I wouldn’t ever think that my ‘truths’ won’t matter to you – but I suppose I allowed for things to be the way they are because I do not have the right to barge into your life anytime I would like to. Because I do not have the right to hurt you any more than I already have.

I wanted to try ‘mending’ my wrongs, however, I know that it will take more than just words to appease you. And actually, right this moment, I am unsure of what I did wrong to deserve your silence and reluctance.

In the end, I think I am the one chained to the pain of losing you. I know I have lost you a long time back but I was in denial – for as long as I can remember. I was somehow still hoping that we both can be adults about what has come and gone and implicitly admit that we both had our share of shortcomings.

I have run out of means to make myself believe that things will be better. That there still is the slightest glimmer of hope and light to hold on to.

I do not know how else to empty my heart for you and for this. I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of carrying the guilt or the burden – and that will end today. I will take whatever it is that you can offer, it there is any. Otherwise, I will eagerly accept the fate that will be left of the ruins.