evacuation plan posted by imani , Saturday, August 16, 2008 at 2:01 PM, in Labels: freefall

I just realized that I do not have one.

I mean, if things suddenly go wrong, I do not have an escape plan, a contingency plan to follow. I know nothing of a failsafe procedure to prevent the sh*t from hitting the fan.

The other day I was staring at our (office) evacuation plan. Well, I suppose everyone knows what it looks like. It’s got a mark that says ‘YOU ARE HERE’ and arrows that would lead you to the building’s exit.

I hope I have something like that in my life. Maybe a simple map that would show me where I am as of a certain moment…and would tell me what other paths I can take to get myself somewhere.

Because I feel like I have lost all sense of direction. I feel like I have been wandering to no end. I am definitely not saying that my life is empty, I suppose what I want to say is that I go from senselessness to finding my purpose then back to senselessness again. There is a cycle, yes, I do not doubt that…but like I what I mentioned on my other post, it is a vicious cycle and it is starting to exhaust me. It is starting to take its toll on me.

Realizing that I do not have a plan in place in case of emergency really bothered me. And to come up with one is a matter of national security.

Yet I am in limbo. When have I not been in one anyway?! I am torn between continuing to be the spontaneous person that I am and turning out to be an obsessive compulsive masochist who plans for her life for the next ten years and gets disgruntled each and every time the plan falters. I am not sure if I am ready to see ‘that.’

Just like what my best friend J aka Chica Grande said: “Uncertainty leaves room for wonder.”

Uncertainty does. Certainly.

It leaves room for wonder. And one hell of a space for so many other things – soul-searching, for one. But the odds are apparent. In uncertainty, we can either be victors or victims of tragedy.

But whether I fall or succeed, whether I come up with a plan or not…there is one thing I know I am sure of -

Regardless of what happens, the sense of wonder and amazement will remain within. And if and when I stumble, I know I would be grateful. Road blocks and my own personal limitations simply would tell me that there is a lot to learn and that we never can really prepare for everything.

thriving in darkness posted by imani , Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 6:10 PM, in Labels: freefall

Let me give you the truth. And untruth.

I am the ugliest person I know. I am irrational, insensitive, inconsiderate, doubting, untrusting. I am someone without form or character. I am someone who continually disappoints those around me. I am someone who remembers even the smallest, dumbest things. There is something wrong with me, I know. I am always inquisitive. I almost always do not believe the first answer I get.

I am twisted. I forbid change. I am a low form of animal for I have leveled myself with those who do not exist in my universe. It is that which we fear the most that ends up eating us alive and inside out. It is what we avoid that normally manifests in front of us when we least expect it.

erase and rewind posted by imani , Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 6:18 PM, in Labels: freefall

Today felt more like that song by The Cardigans.

I’ve changed my mind. I’ll take it back. Erase and rewind.

Today is odd. I was late for 18 minutes. Darn it. I overslept. What a sloppy reason. But that’s the truth.

Erase and rewind. I really am not sure how I was able to survive the past few days in that condition or state of mind.

Everything is just so routinary now. One step forward. Two steps back. Actually everything that I do now follows that vicious cycle.

I go to work. I need to accomplish a lot of things. I never seem to run out of stuff to do. Which is alright sometimes because you don’t want to not do anything at all. But sometimes it all just becomes too common, too dull. And when things become common and dull, I usually turn to working twice as hard – just to deviate my attention.

Which of course is not good.

So yeah, I keep on changing my mind.

I am just so…bored. How do you survive utter, debilitating boredom? Writing does not seem to suffice these days. Because if I am totally bored, tendency is for my mind to be in a trance. And when that happens, it will only mean I won’t have enough creative juice to extract so that I could write.

Just like now. I am actually just blabbing whatever. I just wanted to see something on the screen that’s why I am typing. It’s my last break for today. And I do not want to go anywhere. My legs are aching from going up and down the stairs. Weird. How I allow myself to be in such a lethargic condition.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

My work today has consumed everything in me. And I suppose it’s too late to stop things from getting worse.

I am just really waiting for my day to get darker, get slower. There’s still about a couple more hours before my shift ends. The horizon does not look so bright from where I am.

I am stuck in senselessness. I would not say that I am helpless. I always have believed we are responsible for our day. We make the choice. We are the supposed ‘masters’ of our fate.

But I just really don’t want to be a salmon going against the current. I do not want to battle the inevitable.

I simply want to stay where I am.

In languor. In oblivion.

an inconvenient truth posted by imani , Sunday, August 10, 2008 at 12:40 AM, in Labels: something else

for the 3rd time, i saw the documentary 'an inconvenient truth.' and i still get chills watching it.

mr. al gore, who used to be the next president for the united states, carefully discussed various reasons as to why our environment now - the world at large - is heading for a downward spiral.

if you do not have the slightest concern for the future generations, you probably wouldn't care. but it is difficult not to.

it basically sheds light on a crisis that we all will be victims of - as well as its culprits - the climate crisis.

the science depicted in the film was just so immense and undeniable, that it leaves its audience overwhelmed and flabbergasted - all for the scariest reasons.

so what is this crisis?

when i was in fourth grade and was studying environmental science, one of the things that my teacher discussed was that of global warming - and what stuck with me was a simple idea of what already has started happening at that time - that earth's atmosphere is changing and that the ozone layer has a hole.

in this day and age, we all have made global warming truly universal. we are all accountable for it. we are all responsible for it.

we are all affected and will be doomed if we do not begin understanding what it truly is...and start taking the necessary steps to help one another save what can be saved.

normally, carbon dioxide and other gasses are trapped in the earth's atmosphere to keep the temperature livable. what happened was that irresponsible burning of fossil fuels (coal, oil and gas) has exponentially increased the CO2 in our atmosphere - ergo, causing for the earth's temperature to rise.

what's alarming is that the drastic change in the climate has resulted to a lot of things, some are:

• the ice caps in the arctic and antartic are melting that the polar bears drown - all because they can't find a stable land of ice to stay in. they would swim for up to 60 miles looking for it.
  
• because the oceans are warmer now, typhoons, cyclones and hurricanes occur more often
  
• heat waves increased in frequency and intensity
  
• more and more species of animals and plants are driven to extinction
  

mr. gore remains to be an optimist about this battle. and i agree with him. we can rectify this issue by taking action now. mere alteration in our daily routines can add up to a big differences in helping humankind survive and thrive.

i felt a great moral compulsion to write about what i saw. because i want to reach out to as many people as possible...to share an awareness about the long-standing conflict between earth and us, humans - and the reality that we never can escape nature's wrath.

when you think of it, nothing could really be more frightful than losing something that you really care about.

read more about the 10 simple tips that can reduce our impact to this crisis:
www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/pdf/10things.pdf

leaving faith posted by imani , Saturday, August 9, 2008 at 12:56 PM, in Labels: freefall

I just read Mumai’s last post – about her phoenix.

And it took me back to the beginning of my supposed addiction to self-inflicted pain a.k.a. tattooing.

Deciding to get tattoos never was sparked by mere curiosity, or wanting to simply feel ‘cool,’ or be part of a 'cool' fad.

It definitely was a way for me to affirm who I am. To affirm the truth that I have grown up and I can decide for myself.

I went through some really dreadful things when I was a kid, and I still am living through traces of its terror. There are simply some things we cannot shake off of ourselves, some things we cannot escape from. The truth is, there are no means to mend what has happened, and I definitely won’t deny them.

The truth is harsh but that is the truth. And those of us who are left here to endure the fright of remembering our history every single day – have to do but one thing – acknowledge that it all happened, and move on.

When I decided to get my very first tattoo – I was confronted by two things. First, the fact that of course, it will be permanent. Secondly, if it will be permanent, what would I want to put on my skin?

I had the word ‘Imani’ tattooed on my right hip. It means ‘faith’ in African, ‘believer’ in Arabic and goes back to the word ‘Amen’ in Hebrew.

When I think about it now, I suppose it meant wanting a permanent faith. Faith in who I am. Faith in what has happened – faith that there is a reason for everything. Faith in what I can be, even after all that has occurred.

Realizing this – I know that getting inked was and is never about simply having to feel physical pain (so that we can forget our emotional torment even just for a moment). It ought to mean something more.

It ought to remind us of our endurance. Of our strength. Of our courage. Of our own ‘permanence’ in this world.

And knowing that we are permanent (or at least our history is)…what do we intend to leave all those we know and love with?

I leave my unaltered and steadfast faith in all that is good in you.

endings and beginnings posted by imani , Friday, August 8, 2008 at 5:48 PM, in Labels: freefall

In the end, you find the beginning. And at the very onset, you see a clear picture of what the end will be.

For the last twenty months, you have unveiled the most beautiful things anyone could possibly see. You have allowed me to look past our frailties, all because I know you are waiting for me on the other side.

Each and every time I count the days, the weeks, the months that we have been together – it takes me to a sacred place which I never could quite forget – the road I took, the road we both took – to be with each other. The road where we met the odds and confronted the limits. The road which lead to this moment. The road which led me to you.

And right this time, I couldn’t be more grateful for taking that leap of faith – for taking that chance – for gambling, risking, going against the perils – so that I can be with you. I do not regret anything, my love. I do not believe a day has ever been wasted or lost, for I have spent each of them loving you.

I believe I have arrived at the onset of the best thing that ever happened to me. I have arrived at the beginning of all things to hope for and put all my faith into. I have arrived at the end of a journey, the end of unraveling, the end of wandering – all because I have found you. All because I have found myself in what we have.

I, also, have come upon the end. And I am no longer drowning in fear – fear of loneliness or of unrequited love. Because you have given everything back to me – without me having to ask for it. Because you have erased all trace of solitude in me. Because you have entrusted all that you are to my imperfect and fragile being – believing that it can and will do more than enough to keep you safe and to love you forever.

You are the light that my eyes seek in the darkness. You are the air that my lungs breathe. You are the only love I know. And because of your love I can and will battle anything. Because of you I know I can withstand pain and isolation – I know you and I will be together.

Until the end. Until the end that we don’t see.

Until the end - finally - takes us right back to the very beginning.

happy xxth, mine posted by imani , at 10:44 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

thank you for the past 20 months...and for changing my life.

clark meets monette posted by imani , Tuesday, August 5, 2008 at 5:45 PM, in Labels: freefall

After a month of planning, Clark (as in Clark, Pampanga) has finally met my best friend Monette. It was a post – birthday celebration for her, as she just turned 25 last July. So I took her to Clark last Sunday afternoon (3 August 2008) – believe it or not, Nosh and I prepared and itinerary just to make sure we have a back up plan and that we would know where to go.

We took her to Rumpa’s – they have the best barbecue steak there. Nosh and Monette ended up sharing the steak. The serving’s just always so…bloating. I ordered chicken cordon bleu and after about 45 minutes, swore to not eat anymore chicken for the entire month. After lunch, I finally divulged my biggest accomplishment (so far) – that I have stopped smoking. Monette was thrilled and said that she might also just do the same thing – she’s thinking when.

We were supposed to go to Razon’s for a good old glass of halo-halo, but deemed ourselves just too ‘full,’ so we went to Duty Free (Puregold) to do the groceries. And just like what we’d always expect from ourselves everytime we go there – we suffered from ‘option paralysis’ – there are just so many choices, we don’t know what to put our hands on.

At 6:30 pm, we were home. The rain started to get really mean, so we opted to rest at home for a few hours. It was great to know that two of the most important women in my life – my wife and my best friend – have so much more in common (aside from me) – they share the love for cooking (well, according to Monette, she tries to), they both love watching animé (Monette discovered this after seeing a book that I gave Nosh about a year ago (The Art of Full Metal Alchemist). It’s just comforting to know that there is another person on Earth who shares the same interest with Nosh.

When the rain subsided, we went to Subdelicious – this cozy bar and restaurant about 15 minutes away from Nosh’ house. We had a round of San Mig Light and nachos and videoke (of course). We then headed to Starbucks for a cuppa joe…after all, Monette still has work the next day and would need to look…normal.

Sunday was beyond amazing. Hope all Sundays will be just like it.

naked bodies posted by imani , Saturday, August 2, 2008 at 5:00 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

naked bodies
alone in twilight
innocent eyes
burning under
the tanned skin
touching faces,
kissing, holding
the softness of
each caress like
watching the snow
melt on your palm
now unsteady
reaching for the
fire creating want
naked bodies
whose breaths
rise and fall in
sweet, silent moments
lips gently searching
innuendoes and realities
souls desiring
electricity in flesh,
of limbs bending
and bed rocking
whispers reigning
over hushed laughters.

newsflash! posted by imani , at 4:53 PM, in Labels: freefall

I am on Day 4…without a patch…

I have successfully kept myself off the grass, or the plant – the tobacco plant, that is.

After a week, I decided to quit using the patch, I most certainly understand that I eventually would really have to forego with the nicotine, so yeah…I did it…

I haven’t been on the patch for four days and I am armed with nothing but willpower…or maybe it’s the ‘won’t power’…I won’t smoke no matter how tempting it is, no matter how full I am, no matter how stressed out I am, no matter how much coffee I drink…

So yes, I suppose I can say I am actually on the ‘real test.’ Funny thing is that I don’t get to write much this past few days, it feels like all my creative juices went with the patch. Maybe if I put all the patches that I have used I can start writing again.

I think I have not smoked for a total of 12 days – which is just really ‘huge’ for me. I don’t suppose I have been ‘away’ from smoking that long. And just like any ‘lover’ I think of it sometimes, I miss it, and it feels weird for a stick to have that control over you. I would like to find myself, a few months from now, able to tell the world that I will not allow a stick to control me.

So I removed the patch off of my skin, to really see and prove if I could quit smoking without any help. I cannot say that ‘I am hoping it will work for me’ because I know I have to make it work for me – with a patch or without a patch. I just know that I have to stop…sometimes I feel like my body is more polluted than the air in Mexico City.

I used to think that it’s a lot easier to write when I smoke. I don’t know…I think it’s just me…and my idiosyncratic radicalism. Well now I know that I cannot simply just turn to smoking again if I want to write. There must be a patch for this kind of feeling.