there is something wrong posted by imani , Monday, December 12, 2011 at 11:45 PM, in Labels: freefall

with my blood. and my immune system. i seem to attract blood suckers more than i attract luck. bummer.

just last sunday, as i was enjoying a glass of coke and listening to music, my left leg began to itch. i did not mind it at first - or i tried not to mind it - until the itch felt like a seething ember under my skin and when i checked it, voila! there's a map on my leg:


i knew i was bitten by the ill-famed blood sucker - i don't exactly know which one it was, as i haven't thought of granting them their proper individual names, because i don't suppose i have met all of them. i have killed some of them and another close encounter is the last thing i am wishing for right now.

for the next few days, i experienced a subtle, burning feeling. i would scratch my skin every now and then, and especially when it was hot. that's odd. the hotter it was, the itchier the allergy became.

anyway, when i got home earlier and i changed to my house clothes, i noticed a group of small, red patches on the same leg that was bitten. and i counted the patches - there were 8 in total. and i am predicting that there were either 8 different tiny insects that bit me, or one big, selfish blood sucking culprit tried his luck to drink all the blood he could eight different times. having taken this photograph, i suddenly felt like a minute solar system has erupted from my leg:

unveiling alexios posted by imani , at 11:09 PM, in Labels: freefall

as in the case of most things that i want in life, it took me months to get this one - finally - an external hard drive to keep eros free of the virtual and digital clutter i cannot just seem to let go of.

i got myself a samsung s2 portable hard drive, complete with a 3-year warranty from the date of purchase. it has 750 gb space and i did not realize just how immense such a storage is until i have moved all my files (sounds, movies, e-books) from my netbook and was prompted that i have consumed less than 10% of the total space. imagine that.

my journey began when i realized eros was getting crankier and crankier by the day, and so i scoured store after store, mall after mall, hoping to find a good enough deal - as it first seemed 'impractical' for me spend on a single thing that can neither take a picture nor play a song.

but one night i was strolling and i saw this cute little box sitting on the glass shelf - so i went inside and asked how much it was. apparently, for a little close to php 4,000.00, i can get a sleek and handy ehd.

true to what the box said and what the manual promised me, it is indeed very easy to use. with a quick install guide, the drive manager does the 'talking' to your laptop. it also features secretzone, which basically is a privacy software that allows you to create virtual drives to further encrypt personal files and data. the last time i checked the web for this brand, i was only able to see 4 capacities, the highest being 640 gb.

after much thought about what to name it, after considering at least five monickers - i have decided to call it 'alexios.' i figured, a greek name would be apt, since i call my netbook eros. alexios translates to 'defender' or 'protector.'


the device itself weighs less than half a pound and mine is called 'piano black.' what's cool about this is that it is compatible in both the mac and windows (7 or vista) operating system and should you need a different formatting, you can get a free software on the samsung website. it is usb powered and comes with its own cable. you also get a leather carrying case to sweeten the whole deal. when inside the pouch, it looks a lot like an oversized blackberry phone. hahaha!

needless to say, i am pimping my favorite toy, and for now i am certain that alexios rocks as expected.

what i have been up to posted by imani , Friday, December 9, 2011 at 7:54 PM, in Labels: freefall

i have really been preoccupied the last few days, and though i want to write more, sleeplessness gets in the way. plus, i have a lunch/dinner date with my lifetime via skype daily - so that should keep my hands full for a few more months.

speaking of being busy - even the insects in our house are busy. i think it was a couple of weeks ago when i again fell victim to the bite of a bloodsucker. i actually am beginning to think i have served an entire clan a feast since i started getting bitten when we first moved in here. i immediately reached for my i.d. and took myself to manila sanitarium where they gave me my happy shot which rendered me lifeless and useless within minutes. when i woke up, i took a picture of my arm with the proof:

last month, i started to really like the walking dead and made an effort to stream at least one episode everyday until i finished the 2nd season - where they came back with 7 episodes before taking a 3-month mid-season hiatus. they will be back come february 12, 2012 with the rest of the 13 episodes meant for this season. when i started to watch the show, it scared the living sh*t out of me but as days went on, i got used to the gargled sound or unintelligible zombie talk. thanks to the adjustable volume. i usually turn the sounds down whenever i see walkers. lol!

i also have been taking more time to write something for my wife everyday - i promised her i will send her something each day that she and i are not in one place. and the more i write, the closer she will be coming home. it used to depress me big time but i am glad i am able to see things in a different light now. here's a shout out to you, mahal!

this week, i also got myself another esprit watch and this one rocks! i think i first saw it about half a year ago, and yes, it took me 6 freakin' months to actually get it. not that i had to make any life-altering decisions - the watch really looks awesome and extraordinary - i just wanted to have enough time to save up for it since it isn't urgent and important. so here's what could possibly be my christmas gift for myself looks like:

to date, i have three watches - all of which are from esprit. the reason i like their timepieces is because they do not look ordinary. they didn't have to have all those blings or be all dazzled up to catch attention, that's for sure. i got my first watch as a birthday gift for myself back in 2006 and then another one, as a holiday present for moi a couple of years ago. here's a picture of all my watches:


my next project is another esprit timepiece i saw in avenida - with a silver, bangle-like bracelet and a black, solid face and white dial. so i suppose i'm just gonna have to save up a little more and maybe i can get that for myself by early next year.

mommy dearest posted by imani , at 7:32 PM, in Labels: freefall

since i started working, i make sure i get my mom something really special every december. it has actually become this unwritten tradition. each year i see to it that i get her queso de bola. and her reaction never fails. each time i hand her this huge blob of cheese she looks like an adorable little girl opening her a present on christmas morning.

my mom would always say that when she was pregnant with me, she would crave for this kind of cheese. and what she'd do when my dad buys one for her is to wrap it carefully in cloth or plastic and hide it in a kitchen cabinet. she'd sneak at night or early morning and relish eating it all by herself.

so last week when i came home after doing the groceries, i asked my mom to close her eyes. and to my surprise she just told me - "i know what that is, i asked for it telepathically." this retort made me laugh my head off. here's a picture of my mom with her cheese:

tomorrow, december 11th, marks my mom's 63rd birthday. so here's to you, mommy - thank you for all those years of unconditional love and countless sacrifices so you can raise your daughters to be who they are now. thank you that you chose to stay with us so we can all be together and learn to depend on and look after each other. i know that we have had our fair share of differences and misunderstandings, but i thank you for putting me in my place when it is necessary and for hearing my thoughts and allowing me to also try to 'enlighten' you. thank you that you are our mother, that you are my mother. i am who i am largely because of you, and your tough love. thank you for never ceasing to love me even when some of my decisions didn't make sense to you at first.

finally, thank you for embracing who i am now - there may be some things that are just a little too challenging to accept, but, i am grateful for each time you attempt to respect the choices i have made. i will always do my best to make sure i go through life without stepping on anyone's toes - just like what you taught us.

happy birthday, mommy. no amount of love, of compassion, of understanding can ever surmount that which you have given us. i love you.

today is about posted by imani , Sunday, November 27, 2011 at 5:13 AM, in Labels: freefall

prayers. praises. wishes.

today is about quietly holding my heart up against the notion and reality of a lifetime and realize that there is nothing that it will not endure, if it means loving you.

i take this moment to be grateful for every day that you love me - my light and my dark, my triumphs and failures. thank you for your relentless capacity to love me, to love even the things about me that render arguments and inconsistencies. i know that deep within, you will never just let me falter - i know that you would want to be there and offer your hand to me in case i stumble.

thank you for having journeyed through the last fifteen months with me. thank you for sticking with me even when i drive you crazy and i always sleep on you. thank you for delighting in the dreams we make for the family we would like to have - things like these keep me going and they do their part to keep me sane. thank you for never ceasing to wake up with me every day, in any means possible. thank you for never stopping to tell me how much you love me, and how much more of this you would want to go through so we can remain together.

and as i lit candles for us today, i praised Him for His plans, for His vision, for His love for us and the little family we wish to make. i praise Him for giving us the faith and strength to see each other through this path we tread on, and to make us both realize that we will never be bound to any road on our own. that even with this distance we can hold each other's hands and embrace one another should there be sandstorms or starless nights.

i never failed to believe that a love as unwavering and full as that of ours will can withstand and bear these things - they are minute compared to what we can discern and what we can continue to understand in one another.

and though some days are still a drag and there are instances i still could not prevent myself from crying because i miss your face so much, because i miss knowing you are close enough for an embrace - i just always remind myself that there couldn't possibly anything better than loving you, and knowing you are there giving back everything so we both would never feel empty.

we will sustain this and my heart lives under the light of your gaze, and it will give you what it can so you may never fear again, so you may never have to feel you will be on your own, in anything you wish to unravel. my heart will keep yours aflame and it will be sustained by the same passion, need, desire and fire and i trust that we can go through every single day without ever feeling that we will run out of dreams and wishes and hopes to offer.

every time i wake up to days like this - days that remind me how long we have been together, i smile furtively and feel so blessed that i have been allowed to love you all this time. and after realizing how certain i am in keeping you and loving you, i can only look at and wish for more days and years to be spent with you, more days and years to be offered up to you, more days and years to love you without regret or end.

levity posted by imani , Monday, November 21, 2011 at 2:07 AM, in Labels: freefall

earlier, before she went to work and before i watched her wave goodbye to me and say i love you, i had a heartrending conversation with my lifetime.

and amidst the occasional crack in my voice and the tears in my eyes, i was humbled by the experience - and the reality - of one total surrender. i admitted that i fear so much. that i fear i wouldn't know what else to do should what we have fail or end or meet its demise.

and she knows her seeming limitless capacity to pacify me - she said: 'i will never leave you.' and reminded me how i have told her months ago, at the onset of our relationship that i promised to never allow her to live her life alone.

and i stand here, my heart ever so resolute, keeping the same vow - to give more and offer as much as i could of myself, so she may never have to question whether she deserves all that she has sowed. there couldn't be another direction to go, save toward giving more so we never would feel that something need be taken away from us.

i can no longer imagine not having to share each waking second with her, not having to consider her when i become too conscious of my own breathing - convinced that i am able to do that still, after all those years i have suffered battling my own demons and misery - all because she is with me.

i have told a friend that when we are old and gray, what matters is finding someone you can sit down with under the parasol, someone you can talk to for hours and laugh with, someone you would want to read all the poems you have ever written to. that it is the conversations that allow us the most delicate of insights in another person's life. especially a conversation that happens even in the silence of both your souls.

conversations and arguments. suddenly the one person you are constantly at war with, the one you fight with and break hearts with has become the only one you would want to go through all that with. it matters that we find such a love - the kind that would be enough to make us remember the effort it took for us to get to this part of our journey. and suddenly, the one we cannot be with has become the one we can no longer be without.

and the one we fear losing ourselves to has become the one who will ultimately save us from the nagging, constant fear of ending up alone. i hope we all find such a person, such a love, such a lifetime. a lifetime built upon faith and mistakes being mended. a lifetime filled with ardor and passion and endless fire. a lifetime of chances and gifts and blessings.

a lifetime that gets us so high, we forget about our frailties and we are left with but one gaping void within us - the kind that can only be filled by her love.

silence posted by imani , Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 11:27 PM, in Labels: freefall

the other day, as i finished doing groceries, i decided to get myself a cup of coffee and just watch people come and go. i sat at starbucks in moa for a good hour or so. i didn't want to move. i didn't want to do anything else. i didn't even want to think.

i just wanted to have silence sink in my thoughts and plague my mind with it this time. which is odd. as i usually am the kind who would always 'think' no matter what. it was new, it was refreshing. it was surprising that i have allowed myself such silence. i just wanted to check whether i can still allow myself to be still and quiet - when everything and everybody else - seemed to be in a rush, seemed to be in constant movement.

and in my silence i craved for one voice - yours. in my silence i was all the more convinced i could give everything up save you, save what we have built and what we have created. at the end of it all, i just wanted to be alone with you. i just wanted to feel you close to me again and be held by you and be told that you are hanging on to us regardless of what has been said or done.

i realized i was not in it for the silence. i realized i meant to be still and voiceless so i can hear nothing and nobody else but you. and i was content with that notion, i was happy to have realized that silence would mean being closer to you. that silence would mean finding you again, finding us, finding the things that we long have fought the world for.


i never meant to be such a difficult person, i never meant to make you feel that you are not being heard or that you will not be understood. i really only waited for that clarion call. and true enough - in the silence of silences - i found myself wanting you deeply. i found myself loving you ever more - for the things that you hold for me, for the things you believe in, for the things that brought you and i this far.

and i know we have a lifetime to learn and discover a lot of other truths about each other. for now, i am simply grateful that amidst pain and fury i am still able to discern what truly is important for me - you, this, us.

so let me keep you warm and share this cup of coffee with you. you know that ever since you i never looked at coffee the same way again. it is one of those things that really brought you and i closer. and i am glad to have overcome my overindulgent self (when it came to drinking alcohol) - as i have always told you, you did save me. you have saved me from a lot of things - including myself - all because we started to hang out more and i suddenly have that one person who'd listen to me rant and it felt like coffee sufficed. until such time i stopped craving for tequila or gin.

so hear me, when i say, that even in silence i meet with you at crossroads we vowed to see each other. hear me when i say that even in silence i am enveloped by the love you hold for me and the belief that we are never going to be alone in loving. that we will always have each other, no matter what, no matter how painful things get...we will resurface with much more love to feel for one another.

if there is anything i ask of you right now - it is to give me a chance, as many chances as you could - to prove you what we have is worth a shot, and it will always be worth something. please do not stop loving us. please do not stop falling in love with me - even when i am stubborn and i can be childish and a challenge at times. let us give each other a reason everyday to never stop trying.

a lifetime posted by imani , Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 12:26 AM, in Labels: freefall

i have just started another adventure, treading on probably the same path only with a new pair of eyes - this i offer to my wife, my best friend, my lifetime - jona.

when i cannot seem to remember anything but my shortcomings, you remind me just how keen i am to learn. when i cannot seem to think of anything but things i cannot ever gain, you remind me that there is much to endure but i will eventually get to where i want to be. when i cannot seem to imagine anything but pain, you remind me how far we both have gone to feel this happy.

this is just the beginning. i offer you all the steps i will take to bring you closer, to bring you back, to bring you and i together in the end. i offer you...

a lifetime of desire.

more posted by imani , Saturday, November 12, 2011 at 11:48 PM, in Labels: freefall

despite what seemed to be endless hits and misses, when we both would feel that nobody learns from anything, when we would deem that there couldn't be anything more overwhelming than a war of words that last for hours - i realized i want more.

i want more time with you, regardless if we are arguing or if we are too saccharine that ants seem to find their way across these pages. i want more sunrises and sunsets with you - but i tell you this, the best view remains to be what these eyes behold when the sky is too pale or too dark. i want more days with you when i can just hold your hand or embrace you - when something as simple as tucking your hair behind your ear would have sufficed anytime of the day.

and i want more of you. i know i never will stop wanting and needing you. i no longer fear this notion - of having to care for someone more than i could ever care for myself - just because i believe in us and just because i trust you and in both our capacity to take this as far as our dreams will take us.

and because of this i know i will never stop writing. the more i write the sooner you're coming home to me. it feels like that now. i no longer wallow in loneliness thinking or counting the days ahead, instead i wait patiently and write about you and bask in every possible incarnation of what we have. it matters not how your image and voice was conjured, the only thing that holds meaning is the fact that i love you and you belong with me.

aftermath posted by imani , Friday, November 11, 2011 at 11:06 PM, in Labels: freefall

i argue with my own thoughts - on what i could have missed to make you feel that you fuel everything that urges me to write. ever since the onset of this being we call 'us.' actually, this has been the truth long before we even began.

and after ages of tears and hurt and misunderstanding, i stand here, ready to prove you the inevitable and plausible. there hasn't been any other truth in my life, save you.

though i know i have disappointed one time too many, here is what i offer - an aftermath of failure - which is the certainty to be with you, to show you that i can learn, to show you that i will try my hardest every day to be worthy of the love you have given me.

to be worthy of the things you have revealed only to me. i know that we have histories to overcome and a different set of truths - as we have existed before this lifetime - but it never will negate the truths we will discover together, long as we keep treading the same path and as long as we decide to remain in this.

we are in the middle of a fire and i will not let go of your hand. i will endure all these with you, even when some have lost its meaning and some just feel futile. as long as you allow me to be with you i will never stop trying to be better. so i hope you never will tire of being patient and forgiving.

and we both never will stop loving, or believing in the love we hold for each other, even when things are too painful to comprehend sometimes. everything is a choice - to linger, to remain, to withstand. and we wrestle with that option - to walk away or to stay. and when i long have accepted i fall short on so many other things, i have always been resolute in loving you and taking care of you. i always have been desirous in giving all i could to be with you for a lifetime.

i no longer surprise myself, when each and every time i feel like i have stumbled upon what seemed to be an impasse, i find more and more reason to keep pushing and loving you all the more. because with you i know i can never be empty.