our journey posted by imani , Tuesday, December 30, 2008 at 5:16 PM, in Labels: freefall

it was your faith that has kept me from giving up even when the roads were harrowing...

and it still is your faith that will keep me moving even when the seas are raging...

if it means being with you...

my journey begins and ends with you, and i will be by your side, to take your hand, share your laughter and wipe your tears away.

you are love and i love you.

ever yours, faithfully.

have a rockin' holidays! posted by imani , Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at 1:05 PM, in Labels: freefall

To realize your strength before you succumb to your fears
To realize your faith before you give in to discouragement
To realize your hope before you yield to disappointments
To realize the magic and wonder that lies within you before you defer to anonymity
To appreciate your mistakes and learn as you move on
To understand your failures to value victory
To recognize your capabilities before you surrender to your imperfections
To accept your humanity before you submit to the inhumanity of this world

Is something you owe yourself.

I lift my glass to all of you – may your holiday this year rock more than it did the last time!

i will pay posted by imani , Monday, December 22, 2008 at 12:09 PM, in Labels: freefall

to watch chris cornell sweat.

what not to expect...ever posted by imani , at 10:02 AM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

i think i am in a position where i know i am utterly capable of listing down 10 things that i should not have expected when i came back to work - after a ten-day leave.

1. that the first day at work would actually sound like the overture from the sound of music - that out of weird coincidence, julie andrews will appear on my monitor, spread her arms and sing: 'the hills are aliiiiiiiiive, with the sound of muuuuussssic...'


2. that there won't be over a thousand emails from my inbox alone, not to mention that both my managers and eight of our supervisors have their own folders. geesh.


3. that i won't have to induce myself to a coma by having to read and understand all the emails that require my understanding in less than two hours.


4. that the reports that i am solely responsible for will miraculously write and create themselves and send themselves out - complete with the accurate distribution list.


5. that i would not need more than the songs loaded on my mp3 player to keep me sane.


6. that i won't be expected to go back to work and act as if i took the hiatus so that i can prepare myself for an even crazier workload.


7. that my body would inevitably go out of sync...meaning i would have to 're-learn' sleeping at noon and keeping myself wide awake at night.


8. that flowers will be offered to me...that i will find them sitting pretty on my pod.


9. that i would find the idea of marilyn manson at 4 in the morning helpful. (it beats me - the thought of him suddenly sprung from my consciousness - or unconsciousness - while i was reading through an end of day report for one of our services).


10. that i won't bleed and i can wing it. apparently this technique of mine ('winging it') was worthless this time.

so there. sometime this week i wanted to pound my head against the fire extinguisher behind me for deciding to take my vacation leave this time of the year. too late for that, i think.

in her words... posted by imani , Friday, December 19, 2008 at 2:08 PM, in Labels: something else

beauty just is.

~emily dickinson

malena posted by imani , at 2:04 PM, in Labels: something else

one of the reasons why malena remains to be my favorite movie is the fact that monica bellucci had but a few lines in the film yet she truly owns her character and her radiance is not just skin deep.

i would like to share a line (or two...or more...) taken from the film with all of you:

Renato Amoroso:

'I pedaled as fast as I could, as if I were escaping…from longing, from innocence, from her. Time has passed, and I have loved many women. And as they’ve held me close and asked if I will remember them, I’ve said ‘Yes, I will remember you.
But the only one I’ve never forgotten is the one who never asked…Malena.'

you have surpassed posted by imani , at 2:01 PM, in Labels: freefall

january 31, 2007

was when you told me…

‘remember this day, because today you knew that you have surpassed all of them.’

and i have no doubt that i will always remember today…or earlier i mean.

today i realized that i love you so much it hurts, that every time i speak of how much i feel for you, my heart literally aches. because i know, within, my words, my kisses and embraces never would suffice, they never would be enough. i always think that i do not give you enough, that i never could give you enough. but what you said have, in a lot of ways, calmed me of my worries. that was all that i have been waiting to hear from you. i never quite had the fortitude to ask that from you…for you know that i do not want to change anything about you. i have come to appreciate every thing about you and would not seek to alter anything. there is absolutely nothing to be remedied. you are loved for who you are. and i know i could not ask for anything more. i do not want to ask for anything more. i am content. i am happy with the way things are. i am glad that we took the time that we both needed before completely acknowledging that we want to be with each other. and i want to be with you. and as i have said before, i will be with you, i will remain for as long as you want me to. i never have passionately wanted to be with anyone until you. i know that you have your fears, you are afraid of instances that might shake what we have. i wish i could take those fears away from you, but i unfortunately can not, for i have my own demons to battle. i suppose if there’s anything i can assure you, that will be the reality that i will be with you to thwart all your fears from consuming your hopes and your dreams.

today i realized that i cannot promise to give you so much, except all that i am. it is the only way i ever could love. it is the only way i know i could make you feel that you are desired beyond the superficial, beyond what i can see from the surface, for i have taken the journey towards the light of your being and have found the reason for my own.

written february 1st, 2007

never a lonely morning posted by imani , Monday, December 15, 2008 at 10:37 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

there is something so comforting and peaceful in finding you on the other side of the bed...

does not really matter which side.

postsecret posted by imani , at 6:42 AM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

for the last year and a half, i have been visiting...no actually, the more appropriate word would be 'following' the secrets (written in postcards) sent in by thousands of anonymous people to frank warren, which are uploaded (not all though) to a site called 'postsecret.'

going to the site has become an addiction of some sort. the site gets updated every sunday at around 2 pm local time. currently (as in right this very time), 201,405,575 visitors have already looked at the site. wow. talk about internet traffic. time for an upgrade, people. ehehe.

the truth of the matter is that reading other people's secrets kind of made me realize that we are all part of everyone else's lives, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. sometimes, i would come across a post card and think to myself: 'i have been in her (or his) shoes one time or another.' that it is my secret as much as it is theirs.

some of the secrets are disturbing, some distressing. but more often than not, they are hopeful...because letting go of a nightmare or a dream by confessing it is to liberate oneself from whatever gravity or control it has over a person.

i think the 'top (10 or 20...depends on how many i can come up with) best list' would be one of the focal points of my blog. i am planning to resort to writing about a 'best list' that will occur to me when i really am not capable of talking about anything else. i think it will be interesting.

so here it is...the top twenty best secrets i have read on postsecret this year...

1. please find comfort in knowing that, 'everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.'
2. i'm thrilled with the person i am becoming.
3. i feel like we are standing on the edge of something big. take a leap of faith with me.
4. you are completely remarkable.
5. i want to tell you that i love you but i'm afraid of the silence that might follow.
6. the fact that you are even reading this gives me faith in humanity.
7. we're all waiting for something.
8. i want my last year back.
9. i am tired of waiting for God to find me. so i'll find myself. i started looking last night.
10. my secret was a lie.
11. i never want you to feel lost again.
12. your heart is an idiot!
13. there is no time i feel more alive than when my heart is breaking.
14. if i could fall out of love with you i would
15. every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around!
16. my entire life has been a lie by omission.
17. i lie the loudest when i lie to myself.
18. i love myself because you loved me first...happy mother's day!
19. your beauty is more than just skin deep.
20. what hurts more than letting you go is knowing you're not fighting to keep me.

for this week, i will post two secrets that took my breath away. here they are:

what would your secret be?

manila posted by imani , Saturday, December 13, 2008 at 7:36 AM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

in the light of writing about the ten best things about baguio, i realized i shouldn't leave manila out. as a matter of fact there are a lot of great things to be said about manila. though i lived in quezon city and pasay city...i can say i sort of grew up in manila. hell, i spent all my student days there - from elementary to college.

so here's my list for the ten things to be adored about manila:

1. national museum of the filipino people. i know. saying that makes me feel like a freak. a freak, not a loser. i am that kind of person. i like going to museums. so deal with it. the orginal juan luna work, spoliarium, can be found in the national museum. i took nosh there last may 2008 and it was her first time to behold the great painting. i have been there several times but i always make it a point to see it...and up to this moment it still takes my breath away, i get the stendhal syndrome by just looking at it.

2. silahis. it's a huge filipiniana store located inside intramuros. you can find great mementos there - from rainmakers to furniture made of kamagong and what not.

3. university belt. where would we be (mumai, ara, chi, jos, louie and the rest of the femme fetales) if not for the cheap books sold there? i don't suppose going through college would be too easy.

4. my schools - when i was in grade school, i went to dr. a. albert elementary school - the place where i met my first 'terror' teacher, mrs. apilado and was in love with a guy named aaron thala (whereever you are - i hope you are well). in high school, i went to ramon magsaysay - where i met my best friend, monette and was the associate editor of the blue and white (the official campus english newspaper). at one point monette and i were stalked by a couple of kids who called us 'brainy.' fine. for college, i was lucky enough to receive full scholarship from la consolacion college manila, where i met mumai, josane, cherry, louie, ara, aye, bru, liza, aque...and well, the list goes on. it was also in college where i met the following teachers - sir vir de guzman, atty. pol juan, ma'am eunice parungao (i call her eunice and she hates it ehehe), ma'am claude duyala, dr. ruby senatin, dr. jimmy rico, - who taught me more than what was supposed to be shared inside the classroom, they taught me the importance of humility and the fact that we are all forever going to be students of the universe.

5. the history of the city. i am a history buff. i love manila because of its rich culture and because of the fact that intramuros is found in manila. when i was younger and i couldn't go around without my mom or my dad, i knew about manila's history through textbooks. when i started in high school, my classmates (yes, all of us from section edison) and i would go around the greater part of manila to discover the truth written in those textbooks we have read some years back. and i swear there was a moment we were inside intramuros when i'd have an epiphany every time we turn to a new street or avenue.

6. quezon bridge. it's the bridge from quiapo to ermita, and was designed by the man who created the eiffel tower...gustav eiffel.

7. the churches. during lent when we were in college, we'd have visita iglesia - we would go church hopping, as part of our commitment to our faith. it wasn't too hard to find catholic churches - sometimes you won't even have to ride the jeepney to go from one church to another. there's the manila cathedral, san agustin church (which is actually under the auspices of the order of st. augustine. i think i can get a discount if i'd ever decide to wed there), quiapo church (the site of the annual black nazarene procession), binondo church (where my dad used to take me), tondo church (my dad grew up in tondo, and it is in this church we can find the century-old ivory image of sto. niño), and san sebastian church (the only all-steel church in gothic style in asia).

8. liwasang andres bonifacio. i love this park because monette and i had a lot of memories there - one time we asked the manong to play the CD i just burned for monette and he obliged - how nice. it's where i wrote my poem, stillness in shifting, about 6 years ago. the park sits right in front of the philippine post office building.

9. arch of the centuries, in ust. i remember when i was part of the journalism group in high school, we were given lessons in photojournalism and i took a picture of the arch of the centuries...with its view from the entrance, you can actually see the clock at the main building. after taking the photograph, we had to write an article about it - and i did, aptly titled 'fragments of time.' ahhh...memories.

10. the manila hotel. i have never gone inside the hotel. the closest i have been to seeing the 570-room famed five-star hotel is viewing it from the walled city - where the femme fetales would gather every saturday afternoon to share stories and different wonderful reasons to laugh and cry together.

as the popular 80's song goes: manila, manila, i keep coming back to manila...simply no place like manila, manila i'm coming home.

there's no place like home :)

just when you thought i couldn't be posted by imani , at 7:22 AM, in Labels: freefall

any crazier than i already am...

i downloaded the x files main title theme...on my mp3 player!!!

i suddenly miss having to wait for the show to come on every monday night at 9pm.

if you think i am nuts then yes, i am!!!

just feeding my addiction...and believing that the truth - whatever it is - is still out there.

i am unafraid... posted by imani , at 6:51 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

to love you.

i am only scarred by the truth that i can never be myself without you.

violence posted by imani , Friday, December 12, 2008 at 9:13 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

seeking the fire in your tongue
longing for the electricity in your fingertips
clashing with the dews of your body
finding familiarity in your strangeness
bowing to the constellation in your eyes
soaring with the sunset in your hair
succumbing to the grace of your skin
arresting silence with the rhythm of your heartbeat
envisioning the light of your soul
trespassing the placid beauty of your shoulders
enfolding the unique, sensual desire in your touch
breathing the energy from your mouth
creating a sanctuary in your chaos
dominating the space on your thighs
tasting the infinite solitude on your flesh
grasping the elements the fill the marrow of your bones
inspiring to hold the air of your belief
sustaining the perpetual image of your smile
inviting to wander on the thoughts in your head
devouring your dignified simplicity
unraveling the hidden mystery of the blood in your veins
...dreams i can only hope to steal from the heavens.

your hands naked posted by imani , at 8:49 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

just a tangle
of flesh on
weakened bones
yearning for
depth in the
bed of your
shallow waters
the faintest scent
seems better than
the flower
the drops that
trickle down the
window
much meaningful
than the storm
because of your
words,
the smallest,
most fragile
moments seem
to bear the light
as it releases the
air in a dense
midnight.

between posted by imani , at 8:36 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

today and tomorrow


is you.

and only you. because you are the one who steers your course, who decides, who chooses what direction to take, who is solely responsible for the mess, the carnage, the wreckage, the disappointments, the frustrations, and more importantly - the life you want to lead.

musings at 12 midnight posted by imani , at 8:04 AM, in Labels: freefall

so i am on leave for one whole week...but in about five days time, the notion of 'having so much time in my hands' no longer would apply. and usually, if we have time in our hands, we ponder too much to the point of having an epiphany everytime we breathe in and out.

here are a few things that i wish to accomplish by next year:

• start saving. i am 25 years old and have been working for five years but i do not have a savings account. can you freaking believe that?
• continue collecting neil gaiman's the sandman series. i currently have 4 books, which means i 'only' need 6 more. anyone interested to get me book 5 this christmas?
• resign from my current job. wahaha. totally kidding there.
• look for another job - not kidding, but maybe weighing options. darn, i better make my mind up.
• invest on clothes. i need to 'fill' the cabinet i just bought myself, which got my sister wondering if i am getting married because over the last year and a half i have been buying furniture.
• finally get myself a copy of 'chicken pox for the soul' by jessica zafra.
• rekindle. with people. with myself.
• take anxiety management classes. my body still hasn't gotten used to the sudden bursts of terror and distress caused by my work.
• get more good books for botchok.
• continue being 'visible' to my friends - especially my high school and college friends. i miss you guys.
• go back to swimming. i need to exercise.
• maybe take up yoga classes - again.
• stop being tortured by people from my past.
• stop being maimed by the idea that she would need someone else other than me.
• stop destroying the things that i create.
• sing my heart out. in the bathroom. or in the silence of the night.
• continue writing poetry. who knows, they might get published, posthumously.
• immerse myself in the things that i am capable of.
• celebrate life. by creating another life?!?! wahaha.
• buy fake dvds of the complete 5 seasons of ally mcbeal.
• wait for the 6th and final season of the l word.
• be more thankful for the things that i actually have, and not whine because i cannot get some things.
• bring myself closer to Him.
• visit my dad, sister and grandparents at least once a year.
• stop harming myself by swallowing my pain.
• continue being a source of light.
• start loving myself a little more.

that's a long list. i better start working on them soon.

the future posted by imani , at 7:58 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

is one big space.

do not kill yourself over one mistake. there's plenty of room for you to fufill your heart's desires, to write your history and rewrite it, to realize that you have faltered and make amends.

1051200 minutes posted by imani , at 6:18 AM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

it was our 2nd anniversary last december 8th...and we went to baguio to celebrate. we previously have been there twice and though we (sort of) have gotten familiar with the place, there is something about baguio that continues to captivate us. i am listing the top ten best things about the summer capital (what a cliché!) of the philippines.

1. zola. it's this little café at the end of session road. they have really good food, which is available at really affordable prices (i should get a discount next time because i plugged it ehehe). plus...coffee is freeflowing from 3am to 11am. you can just imagine our relentlessness to wake up early so we can drown ourselves in caffeine.

2. what else...strawberries! i love the fact that really ripe and sweet strawberries are available for as low as php50 every corner we turn to. wow. we haven't tried eating strawberries coated in chocolate though. okay...expletives deleted wehehehe.

3. café by the ruins. next time anyone of you would have the chance to go to baguio, visit the café (that is if not all of you have gone there...sometimes i feel so primitive, like i am always the last person to discover a good place). their foccacia bread really goes well with the liver spread and cheese spread. and the meal is actually very filling. nosh and i had a blast of a morning, agot isidro was dining on the other table when we got in. here are a few pictures we took of ourselves while we were eating breakfast at the café:

4. the people. the baguio natives are just so courteous. the manong taxi drivers aren't manunubas (ehehe, that's just so coñotic). i mean, the flag down rate for the cabs is at php25 and if for example the ride costs you php37 and you give php50 (because of the additional php10), they would really give you your php3 back...and would graciously tell you that they don't have change if they cannot hand you anything. i hope all the cab drivers in manila are like them.

5. our lady of atonement cathedral. for the feast of the immaculate conception, i heard a mass at the cathedral and it truly was solemn. i love the fact that i was inside the church for a good hour and shared that genuine moment with possibly about 300 hundred people yet i have never felt so close to silence and so joyful to celebrate my faith.

6. cheap hotels. you can get a room for as low as php800 a night - and you never have to be too far from session road. wow. at night when you travel to baguio, do not miss looking at the lights on the side of the mountains...they sight is simply breathtaking. it's as if place is covered in a sheet of stars.

7. ube jam from good sheperd. my mom and my sister loves the ube jam and for our trip this year i bought them 3 jars...which i think wouldn't last more than 3 days. ehehe. my sister told me she's planning to hide one of the jars under their bed. wahahah.

8. the cold. i think i have mentioned this on one of my posts...i get hives when the weather is too cold or too hot. but knowing that the average temperature in baguio falls at about 16 degrees celcius (or something), i could care less. i love the weather...for 3 days i did not have any zit and my cheeks are always pinkish (wow, ako na mestiza wehehe). and because of the weather, we can afford to wear coats (i have a knee length trench) and mufflers. but dig this - i went there armed with halters and tank tops. ahaha. i think i made agot wonder why i was wearing a tank top and muffler at 8 in the morning.

9. ukay ukay. cheapness galore! i was able to get a pair of brown knee-high boots and a brown bag for php500. tawaran portion to the highest level especially that nosh is there with me. i was also able to get my very first pair of isaac mizrahis (moccasins) for only php500. and the best part is that it is new. for my mom's birthday, i got her a pair of moccasins by aerosoles (which would normally cost around php5000) for only...tadah...php350!!! OMG.

10. mine's view park. this year was different. for the last couple of times that nosh and i have been to baguio, we would go to mine's view park because that is where you can get cheap pasalubongs - native crafts that includes kitchen utensils, woven bags, t-shirts, keychains (of every shape...yeah, you know what i mean...from pine cones to penises to totem poles to sandals)...but there was something else that caught nosh' attention. in mine's view, there are photographers who would snap your picture for about php10 (depends on the size of the photograph)...so she was looking at the samples and noticed a picture of jolibee - the backdrop being the lush mountains and the foggy air.

which beg the questions: what was jolibee doing in mine's view park? and secondly...who the hell took the mascot there?

pseudo overhaul posted by imani , at 6:10 AM, in Labels: freefall

before our anniversary, nosh and i decided to have a bit of an overhaul...of our do's. it's my first major haircut since i started growing my hair.

surfacing... posted by imani , at 5:56 AM, in Labels: freefall

i know...

i have been gone a long time...a total of 12 days. i was caught in a wreck called 'work' prior to me taking my week long vacation leave, so please forgive me.

and now that i finally found the time to write...the boy who keeps on yelling like a testosterone-crazed hyena is occupying the terminal a few seats away from me.

the universe is not joking. i am telling you.

just a thought posted by imani , Monday, December 1, 2008 at 8:19 AM, in Labels: freefall

okay...i will make sure that this is my last post for today...as i need to relieve my bladder. i have a feeling that one of two things will happen if i don't finish this in 10 minutes. one, my bladder will explode. or two, my pee will shoot out of my nose. neither would look good so i better be quick with this.

nosh and i have been thinking of getting another tattoo. i know. another. you must think that i am nuts. well you are not wrong. i won't argue with you about that. i currently have six tattoos. and i thought to myself, six is not really a good number. maybe i would stop with eight. ehehe.

so, this afternoon, before nosh and i went to sleep, we saw the movie 'mimzy' and came across a hindi/buddhist term - mandala - which in common use, refers to any plan, chart or geometric pattern that represents the cosmos metaphysically or symbolically. a microcosm of the universe from the human perspective. sometimes, a mandala can also represent the entire universe. in buddhist belief, the purpose of the mandala is to put a halt to human affliction, to attain a heightened sense of being and to achieve the correct view of reality. it is a means to unveil divinity by the understanding and realization that it resides within one's own self.

so i would like to invite everyone (all two of you) who would read this post to vote. i will have my 7th tattoo in less than a week's time (i think)...just let me know which looks better on my back.

mandala figure one

mandala figure two

seven posted by imani , at 7:56 AM, in Labels: freefall

i just posted rosiehardy's interpretation of the seven deadly sins.

here are seven of the holy virtues that correspond invertly to the sins:

vice - virtue

lust - chastity
gluttony - temperance
greed - charity
sloth - diligence
wrath - patience
envy - kindness
pride - humility

just the same, each of the seven deadly sins is paired with a demon, who tempted people by means of the associated sin.

lucifer - pride
mammon - greed
asmodeus - lust
leviathan - envy
beezlebub - gluttony
satan/amon - wrath
belphegor - sloth

unearthing beauty posted by imani , at 6:53 AM, in Labels: freefall

i found a couple of great things today.

actually i found out about the first of my two discoveries last night, while i was updating my blog and was surfing the net. i was looking for photos and chanced upon an artist called rosiehardy. she has a profile on flickr.com. she's just awesome. she's a photographer and a lot of her works are found on the website i just mentioned. her photos are really interesting and there's just the right amount of darkness (and light) in it (i am talking figuratively - not technically) to get anyone curious. you guys should check her stuff out. i will be posting her take on the seven deadly sins on this post.

secondly...i found a collection of pablo neruda's poetry called 'intimacies' (or in spanish - 'intimismos'). i just finished getting coffee at starbucks (all by myself) and decided to drop by national bookstore to look for 'the claiming of sleeping beauty' (and they do not have a copy - huhuhu) and i am so excited to get one for myself. isn't spanish just the most romantic language (aside from Filipino, of course). the book is as big as his other poetry book 'on the blue shores of silence.' today is a day of discoveries. i unveiled one which is a feast for the eyes, and another, a feast for the mind.

as promised...here are rosiehardy's photographs outlining the seven deadly sins (also known as capital vices or cardinal sins):

envy (latin, invidia)

greed (latin, avaritia)

gluttony (latin, gula)



lust (latin, luxuria)

pride (latin, superbia)

sloth (latin, acedia)

wrath (latin, ira)

what a way to end the month posted by imani , at 6:10 AM, in Labels: freefall

i know that it's the onset of december and i should be done griping.

but i cannot.

last sunday on my way home to clark, i left my book on the bus. i had a couple of books with me that time. twisted 8 by jessica zafra, which by the way am so relieved to find inside my bag, and the claiming of sleeping beauty by anne rice, which i hoped i could re-read over the weekend. i am actually off on sunday and monday nights. monday does not really count as a day at the end of the week, but it is for me - in my own universe.

so yeah. i lost a book. i LOST a book. this is the first time something like this happened. and i am still in mourning. nosh did not know how to console or pacify me. neither did i. it's just all too tragic for me. i have never lost a book in my life. i've lent books to friends and some never found its way back to me but i am okay with that. at least i know that the ones who have my stuff are taking care of them.

i am a little depressed. for Christ's sake! that book is as old as me. i got it when i was in college but it was first published in 1983. i know i can always get myself another copy...but there is something about losing a book and not knowing whose hands it will fall on. i am not sure if that person will ever find it in his heart to appreciate the literature. and more than anything - it's an erotica - emphatically not for the faint hearted.

and what is more distressing is that the second and third book of anne rice' beauty series is sitting at home...and they have not the vaguest idea that their sister's not going to be there.

nosh told me that perhaps it is time that my book find its journey. i know we have to learn to let go of some things - it is one way for me to unclutter two of my already brimming bookshelves. but i wish i knew that the next person to read it would take the time to consider what is written - and to keep an open mind about it.

anyone who would attempt to read the entire book would die of exhaustion and dehydration - from sweating too much. you know what i am talking about.

highways posted by imani , Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 8:45 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

the life that we lead here is a metaphor in another universe or dimension.

don't forsake it.

closer posted by imani , at 8:27 AM, in Labels: something else

I just got myself a copy of Sarah McLachlan’s ‘THE BEST OF’ collection.

And all I can say is WOW.

I see an artist who has evolved and progressed not only in terms of her writing skills but also of the images that she presents in each and every song she sings.

It is clear that she’s committed to perfecting her craft and she has chosen an impeccable line up of masterpieces she has written over the years.

Her full name is Sarah Ann McLachlan, she was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia and later on moved to Canada, and I have read that it was with her adoptive parents. She learned to strike black and white keys at such a tender age, and from the very onset, her folks knew that she would make it big. She got her first big break in 1987 and signed a record deal with Arista. She founded the Lilith Fair tour which brought together some of the biggest female musicians in the 1990's.

The collection included songs that I have ceaselessly listened to since high school (remember the TV series Felicity? Apparently the character’s a fan) – ‘Vox,’ (from Sarah’s first album - Touch) ‘I will remember you,’ ‘When she loved me,’ ‘Adia,’ ‘Building a mystery,’ ‘Path of thorns (Terms),’ (studio versions of the last three songs mentioned were present in the collection and the live covers are equally stunning). I was hoping that ‘Do what you have to do,’ and ‘Fear’ will be part of the album…but fear not, you will hear the crushing and outright excruciating words when you get a copy of ‘Surfacing.’ Fans will most definitely enjoy songs from her last studio-CD ‘Afterglow’ – ‘Fallen,’ ‘Stupid,’ and ‘World on fire.’ I am wondering why she did not include ‘Answer,’ emphatically one of my personal favorites.

Additional tracks are the heart-wrenching ‘Don’t give up on us’ – shedding light on Sarah’s capacity to make all those who listen to her linger in a standstill, with lyrics like ‘Baby don’t give up on us, I know you’re heart is full of doubts, you don’t need to be without these loving arms that will hold you through your darkest hour…’ In her song ‘U want me 2,’ she effortlessly renders her signature falsetto – I suppose she’s the only artist (for me, at least) anyone and everyone will most likely appreciate even when she doesn’t belt. She comes in soft yet strong, as the words defy gravity, then at the end of the chorus, her voice fades into almost a whisper, muttering the lines ‘Do you want me to stay and say I still want you…you want me too…don’t you?’ If you are to ask me I would say the song is more of an invitation rather than a question.

I have always felt that my life is a Sarah McLachlan song. Meaning I am always in the brink of depression. I was kidding. Not always but I suppose the more appropriate term would be ‘often.’ When she sings ‘Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul, I’m ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire,’ I am reminded of an unrequited love I couldn’t run away from for years. In the song ‘Fear,’ Sarah croons ‘I have nothing to give, I have so much to lose here in this lonely place, tangled up in your embrace, there’s nothing I’d like better than to fall…’ and I reminisce of the times I fell for someone but knew I would lose in the end yet I couldn’t put a halt and I descended, breaking my heart and my idealistic concepts of love. Her song ‘Train wreck’ bare these words: ‘a wild fire borne of frustration, borne of the one love that gets me so high…’ understanding how huge of a mess I was and I still am (I think) when I fall in love. You see when I do love, I fall so hard and I fall flat on my face sometimes and I don’t think it’s something we all would learn (too quick) from. We’d really have to go through it several times over prior to considering loving ourselves a little more before offering our affections and ourselves to another being.

Her songs are not simply maudlin…the emotions are raw and you know that the process she subjected herself through to conjure not just her heartbreaks but also her demons was painstaking. I think she’d make a good scriptwriter because she flawlessly depicts images and metaphors, for the purpose of evoking an all too familiar experience - bruising anguish and rupturing bliss - at the same time. Don’t ask me how she does that. Beats me.

What I love about her music is that it is intelligent – she’s multi talented – she plays a number of instruments and pens all of her songs. That is what makes her a force to reckon with. Though her music is categorized as ‘pop,’ as an artist, she has taken the language that she uses to express herself in different heights and levels. The melodies she uses are catchy but to some point unconventional – which really, to me, is essential, especially that people who call themselves ‘artists’ are sprouting everywhere.

She did not just cross borders…she has succeeded in creating and defining what music is and should mean for this and the coming generations.

Disclaimer: I wrote this not just because I am a big fan of hers or that I am biased to her inarguable talent, but because I really do believe that she deserves to be where she is now.

written November 28, 2008

the breadth posted by imani , at 8:04 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

in which your silence falls
drench the impossible
and decrepit weariness
from which my bones
ache and my skin
trembles and in
shackles and chains
i lay in the blackness
my spirit fastened
to the wind rebelling
against the sky
the ocean swallowing
the laughter of
winter and the rage
of despair
with my wounds
open for the memories
to hurt
parting my flesh
with your hands
breaking the
rough edges of my
dream.

home to a stranger posted by imani , at 8:02 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

coming home one
sunday from a long
travel an unfortunate
journey i got my
heart bruised and
cracked now your teeth
sinks in my flesh
with our bed unmade
reminds me of the riot
in my head just when
you were holding me
still lying on top of me
under the sheets
naked, naive, nothing
you did make me feel
i am your muse
no longer in vain
all in pain craving
for the silence in this room
my empty eyes
looking out the window
where the heavy rain
falls striking the ground
my soul accelerates
toward your hands
starving, stranger.

revolution posted by imani , at 7:57 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

sinking in disillusionments
in the promises that
we never kept
spoken but never
understood
revealed but not
to be believed
too much of the
confusion
yielding to delusion
smokes and reflections
arising from
uncertain midnights
unaware of the
darkness that
awaits
this pain borne of
the separation, the
stagnation and
the repercussions
getting worse
finding out
in the end
i died in the
beginning.

relationships posted by imani , Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 1:28 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

are supposed to make us evolve as individuals, not digress from our true nature.

thoughts at 5:25 am posted by imani , at 1:23 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

do not cease to find life's mysteries enthralling.

ellipsis posted by imani , at 1:22 PM, in Labels: freefall

to the adventure of not knowing what's going to happen next.

the book of answers posted by imani , Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 11:45 PM, in Labels: freefall

i asked:

'we're going to stay forever, right?'

then i opened the book...

it said:

'no matter what'

sct exercise, day 10 posted by imani , at 11:39 PM, in Labels: freefall

I am masochistic. Did that make me sound like a lunatic? I hope not. I really am not fascinated about physical pain, but I prefer it over emotional torment. Whenever I feel depressed, I have the tendency, not to lament about it, but maybe, say, get my ears pierced. So what I wear and what you see in me isn’t just for attracting attention. It is a form of expression, it’s a testament of a specific period in time I went through something in my life.

I know being depressed often isn’t really healthy and at one point I believed it would hasten my death of something. But that is just how I am made. Just this year, before I turned twenty-two, I was feeling nostalgic, always longing for the one person I no longer have – my father. I guess what hurts more is the truth that I am ‘aging’ or getting older, to subtly put it, and my father is not with us. I am growing old and he’s not there to see it. He won’t be around to witness anything – for as long as I live. So I did what I never thought I would do this soon…I got inked. Well, it was something I have always considered, and in a way, I also wanted to do something ‘major’ before I celebrate my birthday.

I had the Arabic word ‘Imani’ tattooed on my hip. It means ‘faith.’ It’s really important for me, it is something I emphatically would want to be reminded of, that I carry within me. The whole experience was cathartic. I know I was conquering my fear. I have always believed that we fear what remains unknown to us. Marking myself wasn’t at all peculiar. It wasn’t as if you would not or cannot imagine me with one, but people did not think I would get mine sooner than I had hoped.

Everything was premeditated. I mean I already know what I would like to put on my body but I never really felt the urgency to do it until some days before my birthday. And now that it is done, the funny thing is that I am not sure if I am over it. It is completely insane – for other people, but I know it is also completely justifiable. I couldn’t say that it was a spiritual experience, but then I couldn’t say that it isn’t.

My exact words after I had it were: ‘I feel totally aligned with the universe.’ And just like anything unattempted in life, we theorize, we consume ourselves thinking about something..like I was expecting that doing it would really, will tremendously painful. But the entire incident wasn’t what I initially had in mind. I think I underestimated my capacity to endure pain.

But that’s precisely the reason why I think I am a masochist.

written sept. 15, 2005

who isn't posted by imani , at 11:24 PM, in Labels: something else

in love with chris brown right now?

i don't know about you guys but i am.

isn't he just the sexiest, most talented artist of this freakin' generation?

not to mention he is down to earth.

you're one lucky girl, rihanna!

the L word posted by imani , Monday, November 10, 2008 at 10:29 AM, in Labels: something else

So what is The L word? Apart from it being a newsworthy, critically-acclaimed and groundbreaking lesbian drama produced by Showtime, the L word ought to mean something.

The L word for me would be…LIVE. And LOVE.

I went to The L word website on Showtime earlier and stumbled upon what would be the greatest shock of my life (at least for today, I think). By early 2009, the provocative series will return for its sixth (gasp) and final (by now I have passed out) season.

I feel nostalgic about this. No, actually, I feel like a tragedy is about to befall me. I have been following the show since the year 2004 and have been witness to the drastic and graceful transformation of TV drama. Ilene Chaiken, creator and executive producer of The L Word brought to life some of the most intricate characters ever seen on television, and possibly – the most beautiful women we will ever see in this universe.

Personally, what I love about The L Word is the fact that the individuals and their stories – their histories – are all very raw and complex. It tells us in our face that nothing is ever easy. I suppose, more than anything, this proves true for us who are called ‘lesbians’ or ‘gays.’

Up to this moment, I do not understand why people would have to be called by names other than that which their parents gave them. I cannot fathom why there always has to be a label, why there should be a name for every single thing on earth…classifying people, more so, discriminating them. Whoever said that we have to be divided by all these terminologies? Whoever said that certain kinds of people are to be called bisexuals, transsexuals, lesbians, straights? Labels are for clothes and for filing. They are most certainly not for human beings. It is one thing for a person to admit ‘who’ or ‘what’ she really is, it’s quite another to call her by a different name that would suggest she’s beyond being ‘normal.’ At this point, any hopeful person would like to believe that people would have changed. Or believe that eventually, people would change and would no longer feel that it is necessary to typecast others. I hope I won’t ever see humanity’s appalling tailspin.

Before I go back to the very reason why I wrote this, let me just share something with all of you - this is from a book called 'What God Wants' (by N. D. Walsch) - probably one of the most 'dangerous' books I have ever read - all because a lot many people would always have their notion of what God wants. And some of them would as far as insinuating that it is the truth and the only truth you should acknowledge. This book is different, however, and the approach of the author embraces various facets and levels of some of the most talked about topics, for one:

On Homosexuality:
'Humans will understand that there is no form and no manner in which the expression of love that is pure and true is inappropriate.'

The L Word is termed as a ‘lesbian’ drama…not because it seeks to typecast itself, but all because it is proud of its beginning and its reason – to shed light on the different struggles of women in life and in love – perhaps it wouldn’t make much of an impact because it doesn’t really depict the lives of all women, but nevertheless, The L Word provoked the status quo.

Two of my favorite characters on the show are Bette Porter and Tina Kennard, portrayed by Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman, respectively. When the show opened, we see Bette and Tina trying to get pregnant (in vitro fertilization) after being together for 7 years. The manner in which both their lives unfolded was extraordinarily intense. Within the next four to five years, I saw them break up because Bette had an affair with a carpenter by the name Candice (the incident itself wasn’t sweet at all, it blasted what was left of my ailing heart), Tina concealed her pregnancy, Bette lost her post in the California Arts Center and lost her father, Tina moved on with a guy named Henry after giving birth to baby Angelica, Bette became the Dean of Arts in California University and where she met resident artist Jodi Lerner (played by Marlee Matlin) who she will soon drop after realizing that Tina will always be the one.

Okay, I did not just give you a synopsis, did I? I don’t suppose I can write a précis about Bette and Tina’s life together. For those of you who have not seen the show, I am a proud owner of fake DVDs for all five seasons – courtesy of the Quiapo flea market – so just give me a buzz if you’d ever be curious to see what I am talking about.

All the actresses in the series created not just characters, but icons – all of which paved way in changing cultural perceptions of the gay and lesbian communities, both on and off screen.

When The L Word culminates, I know that nothing will ever be the same. Not only because there won’t be anything to look forward to every year, but because I am unsure if there would ever be another show as rebellious and as thought provoking as The L Word have been. Nevertheless, this generation is lucky – for we were allowed to take a look at the less than perfect lives of other women – their frustrations, their pains, their glory, their agony, their inner struggles and romantic entanglements – it bears the truth that all of us are interconnected, that our lives aren’t too different. That gender does not and will not exclude anyone from life’s beatings and surprises.

The L Word is a testament to so many things – to the actresses, writers, directors and producers whose passion is seething it all translated impeccably on all episodes, who are not petrified to challenge the norm, the capacity of these people to create what possibly could be the best show to hit the tube.

I would like to end this by quoting Jennifer Beals’ character, Bette, when she was asked by her father about what she’d tell God when they finally meet.

‘I am your creation and I am proud.’

the truth of the matter is... posted by imani , at 9:51 AM, in Labels: freefall

when my mother and sister found out that i have ‘inked’ myself…they did not speak to me for a week (it felt like one whole era though)…but being the stubborn person that i sometimes am (or really am), i decided not to start any conversation with them…it was this heavy, awkward and dead silence…as if someone actually passed away. i mean, it is not like i killed someone (though there might have been moments i probably wanted to do just that), or got myself involved in some street pharmaceutical gang (or really got into drugs) or came home one day, pregnant, hapless and sans a husband, or lost my sense of direction…

…i did not speak to them because i know that it was (or is) my right to uphold the truths that i honor
…i did not speak to them because i refuse to be categorized, stereotyped and
…i refuse to be reduced to someone who is simply wasting her life away

i am not any less than who i am.
i embrace my diversity and my individuality.
i am myself.

a claim to my identity posted by imani , at 9:46 AM, in Labels: freefall

i wrote this about two years ago and posted it on my other blog...

i am not sure, but sometimes, when people ask me this question…i am left…wondering…asking myself if i have suddenly become the focus of the universe ~ without me being aware of it. a lot, i mean, a lot of people have come up to me to just ask about my…sexual orientation. what the hell?! it never felt like i really have to answer it, maybe these people really just can’t help it. this is not an attempt to end the discussion, just a way, maybe, for me to share my thoughts about it. i am not going to say that i am inclined to one or the other, or just one of the two. i want to actually be…label~free. i am single. period. if they want to call me heterosexual…that’ll be their choice.

but as far as i am concerned…i don’t want to be ‘tagged’ like everyone else. i am my own person. i am myself. this is who i am…and all that i am. i don’t believe that i am too feminine nor too masculine. i like the fact that i am never ashamed of my weaknesses and i am content because i have a million reasons to believe that i am a strong and brave and courageous.

as far as love is concerned…i am alone, but am never lonely. i want to keep my thoughts open to all the possibilities…and impossibilities. for me, it matters not whether love takes the form of a man or a woman…we can also love a child or a pet and it’s still love. and nothing can break that. sometimes people think that when someone loves, the feeling would have to be exact. but i beg to differ…love, of course, is infinite…it bears different meanings because each individual perceives it in a different way. we all have our inclinations, i’d say i am ‘bi-curious,’ i am different…(and i love being unconventional…haha)…that is why i have a different perception of love. it does not matter what form or shape love takes…at the end of it all…it is still love. right now i am thinking of the love that i have for myself…(hmmm…am i smelling the tendency of having a narcissistic personality disorder?!) i still cannot get over the fact that this world is populated with people who like categorizing and stereotyping others. it is sad, i know…especially when i realize that i am still very young and i’d have to live through all of it in the years to come. it’s a fact that i’d have to live through it but it does not mean i have to accept it or tolerate it.

anyway, when i do things, or to avoid confusion…when i mark myself…for me it is to show that i own my individuality…that i know my essence, and i would like to believe that i am free of fear. i’ve had enough of it. i do not want for others to think that i simply am a self-loathing body mutilator because i am not. on the contrary, i love who i am, i love the person i have become and i know nothing stops here…i will continue to evolve, grow, mature and age (but not too fast though)…gracefully. i have so much to say. there is so much in this world and in this life that i feel so positive about. i am sure that there are still others who share the same vision…and that reality alone cures all the pain that i have gone through and will still see in the future.

elizabeth barrett browning once said: ‘earth’s crammed with heaven.’

and it is. i believe it is.

in darkness and in light posted by imani , at 9:33 AM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

the things that you let go of and the things that you hold on to...


consider them.

the woman of the hour posted by imani , at 8:56 AM, in Labels: something else

I first saw Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. Of course. That was her first major starring role and she was drafted to play Alex Owens right after high school. She danced to the song ‘She’s a maniac’ and this totally made everyone go maniacal – as Flashdance became the third highest grossing film in America of 1983. In 1983!!! I was born in 1983. That makes Jennifer nineteen or twenty years older than me. But I could care less, really. She’s hotter than hot, and can I just say this for the record – better than filet mignon – if there is such a thing. And I just want to write about the actress who got me watching The L word before I talk about the series I have been following for years now.

Jennifer – I hope she doesn’t curse me for calling her by her first name – was born to an Irish mother and an African-American father. She went to Yale and received a degree in American Literature, graduated with flying colors. After Flashdance and before her stint in The L Word, she starred in more than 40 or 50 movies, some were major roles, most of them she played minor parts. But what’s really amazing is that she survived in the movie business and was never the kind of actress who would settle for anything less. She focused primarily on independent films and wasn’t really the type who would clinch the camera for spotlight.

When I started watching The L Word, I was awed by her talent. She plays Bette Porter, a control freak alpha female who seeks to destroy just about everything that she created – figuratively and literally. You have an actress who is unrelenting of her integrity to stay true to her character – she does not just ‘play’ Bette. She is Bette. I don’t suppose there is anyone who can sink her teeth into the role better than Jennifer Beals has. Her character Bette is not only a lesbian, she’s also biracial and Jennifer has said in a number of interviews that she appreciates what the role has to offer her as an actress – the depth of being sort of an ‘outcast’ of society, not solely because of gender but also because of race.



Because of her role in The L Word, Jennifer, to legions of fans – gay or otherwise – has become some sort of a heroine, being their voice and perhaps an unofficial spokesperson. And now let me speak for myself. She is a creative writer and all that but there is one thing that she said in particular that hits home – underscoring her insight and understanding of where she stands – apart from the whole, apart from the society – in terms of respecting the choices that each and everyone of us makes –

‘Love is large, love defies limits. People talk about the sanctity of love…love is by definition sacred. Not some love between some people but all love between all people. How can anyone say one person’s love is more sacred than another person’s? If indeed it is love it is sanctified. If it is indeed love, the right to marriage is not questionable. In my mind nothing pleases God more than love. I do not think it pleases God to codify bigotry. I do not think it pleases God that fear guides the hand of the law in the name of a cultural war.’

Thus spoke Jennifer Beals.

If only most of the people in the world are as enlightened as she is. If only.

one hundred eighty posted by imani , Saturday, November 8, 2008 at 8:59 AM, in Labels: freefall

This is just one of the many nights I went to work armed with nothing but a three hour sleep. In short, one hundred eighty minutes.

And I don’t know what the hell I need to do to keep myself awake. I have asked one of my friends to slap me the second he sees me sleeping. You see I have chinky eyes…today they are exceptionally chinky and…swollen. I never imagined my eyes could get any smaller than it already is.

I feel like I am having an out of the body experience right at this moment. My brain is minding something else and it's not me. One of the means I have explored to make sure that I last today wide awake: EXTRA JOSS. I couldn’t believe that I am trying different flavors of EJ now. I am currently gulping a glass of cold Club Soda. Yummmm…not really.

I am unsure if I can write something – or anything that would actually make sense – so before I lose my senses and eventually have my writing suffer – I would like to say something to my wife -

Thank you for being with me and battling arguments, instead of sleeping on it. Thank you for putting up with me and for accepting the fact that I sometimes can really be a selfish hard-headed mess – and not being daunted by it. Thank you for making me feel that whenever we fight, it is for the sake of clarifying things and getting our thoughts across, not because we want to make matters worse. Thank you most of all, for making me realize that there won’t be a fight or an argument that I’ll be willing to put myself through – if it means keeping you, if it means making love to no one else but you…

If it means loving you one day more.

You are the only one that feels like home.

proust questionnaire posted by imani , Wednesday, November 5, 2008 at 6:33 PM, in Labels: freefall

Taken from the back page of Vanity Fair magazine.
Every month some famous person answers.
Now it's my turn to be a celebrity:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
When I stop wanting more.

What is your greatest fear?
To not bear a child.

Which living person do you most admire?
My mom.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Books! (coffee too).

What is your greatest regret?
No regrets.

What living person do you most despise?
The one who brought hell into my existence.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Talent to eat fire. Or to walk on water.

What is your current state of mind?
Mindless. Unstable.

When and where were you happiest?
When I follow my heart’s desires.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity (ahahahaha)

What is your most treasured possession?
My writings

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
When we give up (on anything) without a fight

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Patience. I am glad that there’s still a couple of guys out there who have their morals intact

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Endurance.

What do you most value in your friends?
Their thoughts and their understanding.

Who are your favorite writers?
Paulo Coelho, Pablo Neruda, Neil Gaiman, Gabriel Garcia-Marquez, Isabel Allende, Walt Whitman, Ricardo M. De Ungria, Jessica Zafra.

Who is your favorite hero/ine of fiction?
The Sandman.

Who are your hero/ines in real life?
Oprah (ching!) Angelina Jolie.

How would you like to die?
NO!

What is your motto?
While I breathe, I hope.

the femme fetales posted by imani , Monday, November 3, 2008 at 5:55 AM, in Labels: freefall

in grade school, my days were filled with terror teachers and terror classmates. the terror teachers, i suppose, was something that everyone went through, ergo, the notion makes it tolerable. the terror classmates, however, was another thing. there was ralph - my 'slightly' overweight classmate when i was in fifth grade, who said he wants to court me so he can just borrow my notes on our science class - was something. then there was one called 'yabut'...no actually, i am calling him yabut because i can no longer recall his first name. this boy would literally chase me around the school grounds after our class (which ends at lunchtime) with an ingenious gadget in his hands - something meant to send small doses of electricity through my body if it comes near me (in short, pangkuryente eheheh).

when i was in high school i met my long-time best friend, monette, and with her, i pondered on the following things: how to get rid of my zits (not that i had a lot but it was a valid subject for a conversation), several instances of unrequited love, teachers who drove us nuts (quite literally), our next science project, raging hormones. wahahaha. i love high school. i enjoyed being one - one of the geeks that is.

then the inevitable came. i am talking about college. i knew that my struggles and accomplishments in high school wouldn't matter so much if i won't finish college. my father died when i was 14 and i knew that i have to work twice as much (or a thousand times as much) so i can complete my studies. i was lucky enought to be granted a scholarship in La Consolacion College Manila. i am proud of my alma mater for two things - one, for the education that i was given and two, for the friends that i met. it used to be an all-girl school (they started taking in students of the other gender the year after i graduated) and i thought i would have a difficult time finding people to hang out with. i am happy that i was wrong.

hindi ko alam bakit wala si louie, baka sya yung photographer

in college i met my best friends in the person of: mumai, ara, josane, cherry and louie. we started a circle aptly called 'the femme fetales.'

they say that a femme fetale is an alluring and seductive woman whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading men into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations. i agree with the charms and irrisistible desire bit but i know nothing about putting men in compromising instances. not one of us is related to the Mata Hari and mumai and i haven't officially dabbled in pole dancing. wahaha.

sorry wala na naman si louie

they are five of the greatest friends i will ever know in this lifetime, that i am sure of. more than being a bunch of desirable women, they are also five of the most trustworthy people i know. they allowed me to grow and be who i am without the worry that i will be judged or criticized. they kept me sane, they kept me grounded and they kept me from breaking my heart several times over through their priceless nuggets of wisdom.

allow me to introduce and briefly describe each of them:

mumai - i met her during freshmen orientation, my 17th birthday, if i remember it correctly. you see before i went to college, i had to create a nickname - téa - and that is because i don't want for people to start calling me potpot (my nick at home). mumai was the culprit. she started calling me potpot and soon enough everyone else is calling me potpot. i got tired of correcting people so yeah - eight years later, i am still potpot to them. no mumai, if you are reading this, let me be clear that i am not sour graping...it's too late for that sweetie. mumai was one of my thesis mates, a math whiz (to me you are) and a bitch (or would transform into one) if the situation calls for it. she doesn't give a damn about what other people would say about her, she's very upfront and was never daunted by 'in your face' scenarios, meaning she would tell you in your face that she does not like you and would not bother looking back.

ara - my sister in music and in verse. she was awfully shy and quiet when i first time met her, but we instantly hit it off when i asked her if she has ever seen the movie GIA (and her answer was yes, of course). she was carrying a copy of womenagerie by jessica zafra and was donning a short hair during the first official meeting of members of the honors society. later on ara and i developed a special kind closeness - she was the first person to know of my childhood nightmares and was kind enough to sit through it one saturday afternoon. she reacquainted me in my interest in playing guitar and singing and was also one of the few who appreciated the poems and other crazy stuff that i wrote before.

josane - she was my other thesis mate and more than being a humorous person, this girl has a sensible head on her shoulders. she introduced me to pinoy rock - and had me listening to imago, fatale posporos and cynthia alexander. if i remember it right, she was the one who started bringing the group to baluarte every friday night. she was not the kind who'd be quiet, except when we were drinking tequila. maingay po talaga siya. what i love about josane is her willingness to listen. i know there is a big possibility that i have not thanked her for this but i am hoping it's not too late. thank you, pare, for always lending an ear to me, to us, before and now. and thank you for not failing to make us laugh our ass of, for being yourself and for showing us how great it is to have a friend who will attempt to make us all snigger till our cheeks hurt.

cherry - or mary rose (i hope that's correct), according to her birth certificate, taught my nephew botchok to call her 'tato' (short for tita and tito). cherry loves making us laugh too, but more than that, she's one of those i know who have overcome so much of her fears and never showed a sign of giving up. she's one of the most courageous friends i have, and as all of us know - undauntedly pressed on regardless of the situation. cherry i think was the first to suggest that we drink el hombre one time we wanted to get intoxicated. soon enough el hombre tequila was a household name. she has a huge crush on karen mok (or is it shu qi?), shares the same zodiac sign (cancer) with me, which means she plus me equals two much likely to be a little more emotional than usual if we are drunk people.

louie - weng (or 'wing' to some people ahaha) was introduced to me by ara. i sort of envied her because she took up psychology but i am okay now (nyahaha). i am just really happy that she became one of those who offered me advices (both solicited and unsolicited) to see to it that i don't fall flat on my face each and every time the name 'hilson' comes up. she's a singer herself, she talks a lot (which i suppose is a common denominator we all share). i believe at one point she vowed to not be involved with men for the mean time, until kuya gado (gado, ikaw na!!!). katulad ni mumai, aquarian din po si louie, kaya OC din sya. wahaha. she's also an artist...meaning mahilig mag-drawing. hanggang drawing lang po siya pag kailangan mag-meet ng tropa. but i love you, you know that :) peace :)

i once read that we create relationships because we need witnesses to our lives - people who can attest that we existed. these five people are definitely more than that. they are not just witnesses, they are the reason why all the tribulations in college - and now, life in general - almost did not (and do not) mean anything - because they were all there to lend a hand in case one stumbles, because they are there to listen to me when i need to whine and to yap at me when i need to stop whining. they are my approval committee - not that they would say anything unkind to the person i happen to like but their opinion will always matter. they are five people i know who are capable of blackmailing me at any given time all because they know everything about me. they offered me something that was not there when i first set foot in our college.

ayun si louie, yung katabi ni mumai

they offered me a new universe. a universe that did not exist and would not exist if not for them. a universe where words, hope, faith, love, and passion are our ammunition to a world sometimes devoid of sympathy. since we were all scholarship recipients - school was a freaking battlefield. we shared the agony of waiting for our grades everytime a semester ends (we always would feel that what we did wasn't good enough - no matter how hard we studied). i share with each of them a history - of all the good things that i'd ever learn of. i am grateful for having all of them in my life, even more grateful for knowing that i am in theirs. their friendship and understanding embraces all that has been and will ever be.

i love you guys. thanks for being there no matter what and for sticking with me.