Without much ado, let me just tell you that I am officially freaked out and depressed.
Yesterday, I spent half of the day crying. I only stopped because my eyes started to hurt really bad and my vision is already blurred. I was actually waiting for my body to start weeping blood, it did not happen.
I guess I am on a crossroad again. The thing with me is that there seems to be no end to the forks on my road. Just like any fiend, the forks appear when I least expect it. Hence, I often would catch myself falling on the decrepit mud that is my life – face down.
Yeah. I suppose it is inevitable that I drown in my own misery. I think I already am.
I have not been in this place in my life, ever. It scares the hell out of me. Suddenly I feel like blogging has become a form of psychotherapy. Knowing that I can blabber about anything and everything and never think for once that those who read my stuff will judge me. That is a comforting thought.
On one hand, if there is anything good I know that’s gonna come out this – it is the truth that when I am sad, I get to write more. So yeah, more posts. Hopefully, no more dilemmas in not being able to write anything. But wait – it just made me realize - my biggest dilemma to date is how to get myself out of this abyss.
The abyss just feels so endless. There is nothing there except doubt and darkness and wretchedness. I do not feel so healthy. My mind is going to a gazillion direction right now and feeling good about myself is not one of them, unfortunately.
The weirder thing is that I know I seem fine on the outside. I know that my eyebags are ‘puffier’ than usual but that’s it. It is looking deep into me that breaks my heart. I am exhaustion. I am desolation.
I would like to keep going back to what J reminded me of – that I will never be empty. My wife has offered me to depend on her for fortitude and I am blessed to know that she’s going to be there no matter what. But I also know that I cannot possibly rely on her the whole time. Before I can resurface, I need to pick all my pieces up.
And there is a long trail behind me. I have left bits and pieces of me over a long, harsh road. And I have been walking on this road for the last 25 years. Picking up what’s left of me would be a tough job.
And just like this abyss – it is endless.
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