there was a singular, almost incomprehensible instant that led me to want to talk about this.what i think of love. and how love has changed me. or every other person's life for that matter. at least for those who have allowed themselves to feel it.
love always have been about patience. the patience to sit and wait in a corner and watch its magic unfold before your very eyes. the tenacity and resolve to stay in one place and learn to seek it but never rush, instead you must remain where you are until it finally seeks you.
there have been moments i chased it, especially when i was much, much younger (now that makes me feel so ancient). that was a phase when i thought i would run out of chances, a time when i thought i knew enough about myself that i am so ready to be with someone else. i was wrong.
as i aged, my notions about it has significantly moved forward, and my own battles with it made me learn the hard way. but i suppose there was never an easy way.
almost always, the things we badly want to achieve are the most elusive. in instances when i had my heart tattered and bruised i almost gave up on the idea of finding what it means to surrender - to desire to give all of who i am to but one person. i thought i'd have forever lost faith in the possibility of having happiness in my life despite of constant chaos.
and just when i was in the brink of disbelief, i realized that i still have to continue nurturing myself - that i have to learn how to love myself despite my own failures, despite the truth that i thought i am solely to be blamed for the miseries of my heart. and in the darkness i stumbled upon an epiphany. that we cannot offer that which we do not have. i cannot possibly want to love someone if i do not understand how imperative it is that i love who i am.
it starts and ends with patience. when i found a glint of hope in one named jona, i took my time. i took my sweet time discerning whether or not i can make myself worthy for this person, and whether or not i can allow her to try to make me happy - or at least show me a side of happiness i have never seen or never imagined before.
and when my days slowly started to begin and end with glimmering and undeniable notion of her, i knew it was something i have to commit to if in case it unravels. and it did. and ever since, i know i have been trying my very best to also show her what she has shown me - that there is more to love than just this one-dimensional approach to it - it is not easy. and there are times, although painful, one must admit that things are not always perfect.
there is the endless fall towards the one who keeps you breathing. there is the call for an endless capacity to always offer more than you have the day before, and to always remember to forgive even when you cannot see through the tears in your eyes.
in spite of the fact that we sometimes get distracted by our work, by our passion in other things that lie outside of what we share, she has taught me to be a little more grateful for every waking moment we are given. waiting for her to come around and to realize the nature of all that i hold for her, and all i intend to offer was and is a gift that i certainly have been blessed with.
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