meditations by marcus aurelius posted by imani , Monday, September 17, 2012 at 3:40 AM, in Labels: project blurb

the final testament by james frey posted by imani , at 3:38 AM, in Labels: project blurb

celebrations by maya angelou posted by imani , at 3:34 AM, in Labels: project blurb

mibf version 2012 posted by imani , at 2:49 AM, in Labels: freefall

i went to the recently held 33rd manila international book fair at the smx convention center in moa. aside from having briefly suffered from option paralysis, i played the role of a salmon and it was inescapable - what can you expect.

there were hoards and hoards of people swimming and swinging to and from all imaginable direction. that for a moment, i thought to myself that if it had been possible to go through me, i have no doubt there would be a number of them who would opt to do that.

and just like always, the first shelf i would visit in any book store, whether it be someplace as common as national book store or any one of those specialty book shops (powerbooks, fully booked, sketchbooks, a different bookstore) - i hung around this little space, a haven of sorts - for those seeking to read what would often be construed as lewd or offensive and find them 'tastefully done' - the erotic literature section:


but in my humble opinion, e.l. james' fifty shades series still does not offer the kind of material that would make it 'enough' to be in the same spot as anais nin, anne rice or henry james. it has just not achieved the notoriety all those three other writers has achieved.

one reason to be truly excited about when going to the mibf is that this is the only other time i know they would take twenty percent off of philippine publications, so as you might have guessed, i spent just about enough time rummaging and going through shelf after shelf in the space occupied by anvil publishing. until finally i settled for all the 6 books in ambeth ocampo's looking back series. i had the nostalgic recollection of how i would wait for his column on the philippine daily inquirer, how i would spend my mornings (during saturdays and sundays) and evenings (during school days) when i was still in high school - always on the lookout for trivia and trivialities, for information - whether necessary or unnecessary.


also - i got myself a copy of haruki murakami's kafka on the shore and after dark - an author who has been mentioned by my best friends reich and jerlen, one during a random conversation while we were drinking wine and celebrating her birthday, the other on a post on our facebook group 'booklust.' it did not take long to convince me to try reading his work, i checked the blurb and was instantly impressed with the reviews about his work...so what the heck, a shot is a shot and that's precisely what i am giving him.


the manila international book fair always have been an avenue for the bibliophiles to convene, no matter the truth some of us will remain faceless or nameless until the next year's book fair. but the most important thing there is that we do not feel as 'geeky' or as 'lonely' this time of the year - as there are thousands upon thousands of people we are sure would flock one place, (wherever the book fair will be held) with an appreciation for the written word and an undeniable love for reading.

in a world now so heavily dependent on getting information through and on the world wide web, it gives me a good feeling that there are still those who chooses to hold a book in their hands and turn the pages and live the the magic found in prose, poetry, dreams, realities, realizations, aspirations of all those who excised blood, sweat and tears and (possibly) other bodily secretions to share their stories.

this has a title and definitely has an author posted by imani , Monday, September 10, 2012 at 3:28 AM, in Labels: project blurb

i forgot to take note of the book title and the name of the author who penned it but i saw this at powerbooks last friday. hopefully when i go back i can get the details and share them with you.

om love by george minot posted by imani , at 3:26 AM, in Labels: project blurb

project blurb posted by imani , at 2:51 AM, in Labels: freefall

there is always this fraction of me that resorts to apologizing whenever i am unable to write on this blog. not that i am expecting for anyone to closely follow what i do or what i have been up to or what has been keeping me busy.

during the weekend i conjured this mini project of sorts. since i spend about enough time in bookstores and libraries and a self-confessed bibliophile myself, i would like to offer blurbs of random books to my readers - to one, two or three of my most faithful minions. :)

these can be of books that i have read or i want to read or books that i might not be too curious to buy but curious enough to read for a moment and take a picture of it.

if you happen to visit my blog and would like to share a blurb, you may send the photograph to my e-mail: alab_imani@yahoo.com. please do not forget to include the following details:

• book title
• author
• your name
• a gist about you

these are things i would like to ensure will be part of my post.

thanks for dropping by and keep burning. :)

unholy night posted by imani , Sunday, August 5, 2012 at 10:08 PM, in Labels: something else

enter balthazar of antioch - who is neither a nobleman or a magi - seth grahame-smith's unlikely protagonist in his most recent offering, 'unholy night.'

the author takes us to the judean desert in 2 bc - where herod's soldiers are in pursuit of the ghost of antioch - a thieving 'rat,' and a cold-blooded murderer who has, for the last decade, managed to steal and kill and slip off of the authorities radar when he needed to.

on one occasion he was actually caught by herod's men, only to escape getting his head cut off and this time, taking two other petty thieves with him. and please indulge me with a wild guess. yes, indeed. he met gaspar, a muscular, african thief and melchyor, a greek swordsman, hailed as the 'best in the eastern empire.' it was in their escape that they decided to follow a bright star shining down on them - leading them to bethlehem.

and just like how we have been told this story - this was exactly when and where they met a pair of zealots - joseph and mary - and their new born son, who was never named on the book but was pertained to as the messiah. balthazar was essential to much of the trouble faced by the fugitives in the book, and was also the unspoken leader of this odd band composed of both the religious and the non-believers. balthazar was also instrumental in securing that joseph, mary and their son reach egypt where they cannot be touched or executed.

within the story, we were afforded the chance to learn how balthazar grew up to be a celebrity criminal of some sort and what painful part of his life has pushed him to hunt and kill - especially those in position - mercilessly. but despite being a man of only one tangible belief - that is - the only thing worth worshiping is the god of wealth - the story does give us glimpses and moments when balthazar is deep in his thoughts, minding the causes that lead him to his life and assessing whether the same reasons still hold water.

the author has succeeded in weaving meticulous biblical and historical tales with that of his own funny, twisted ideas. the result was a surprisingly poignant and hilarious novel that any first-time reader would enjoy and would find to be 'adequate.'

peculiars posted by imani , Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 1:05 AM, in Labels: something else

'i came to a place where the path emerged from the woods. in one direction lay home and everything i knew, unmysterious and ordinary and safe.'

penned by ransom riggs, miss peregrine's home for peculiar children is one such tale - it leads you to uncharted territories and opens new dimensions, whether metaphorically or literally.

i took the advice of my best friend jerlen (via our facebook group, 'booklust'). she said that the story is compelling and what's even more captivating are the odd pictures you'd find in the book. so off to the mall i went last week and found myself a copy from fully booked.

jacob is a 'regular' teenager whose life was dramatically altered when his grandfather died of unnatural causes. for years, his grandfather has told him of strange stories, mostly without proof, about having lived in a place where peculiar beings existed. everything went downhill when, on his grandfather's death, he saw odd apparitions and his grandfather's last words included finding a 'bird,' a 'loop,' an 'old man's grave,' and 'september 3rd 1940.'

unbeknownst to jacob, a grander plan has commenced and things beyond his wildest imaginings will soon be revealed to him. his grandfather's last words never did escape him, no matter how much he tried to shrug them off. and after getting the help of a psychiatrist, his father agreed to take him to a trip to cairnholm, an island off the coast of wales in the united kingdom. while he really did not realize what was waiting or what has been waiting for him there, it was only a matter of time before he would be introduced to a portal to go back to september 3rd 1940 and see those few who remain.

the story has a few surprises in it - the notion of finding love on a different plane or place, the author also dabbled a bit on time traveling, heroism at a point when you have lost all belief in yourself and that part of each of us that always yearned to be extraordinary - just that we are blinded by our own faults or that we, almost always, needed someone to tell us just how wonderfully strange we are.

it is something that i have enjoyed reading and i do make it a point to take a peek at the next few pages to check scary photographs, just to make sure i won't be taken aback when i flip them as i go on with the story. somehow, having read jacob's adventure with his peculiar lot, i realized that i have not grown old (too much, that is). i mean i think i have grown up, but there will always be a fraction of me that would want to remember being a kid, that fraction that needed, every once in a while, the capacity to believe that i am still worthy of such fun and adventure and that it is something i can will myself to go back to.

the new eros posted by imani , Sunday, July 29, 2012 at 11:51 PM, in Labels: freefall

i took a trip heading to the mall last friday, 27th july 2012, which coincidentally was our 23rd month together. tempus fugit. sweet.

i have been meaning to write about this for days but were confronted with either my body's ceaseless desire to sleep or the lack of power supply (just like last night).

as i was saying, i scooted as soon as my shift was over all in the hopes of getting myself another laptop. that same day, i sold my first laptop (a red hp mini netbook) to a friend of mine at work. after what seemed to be an endless battle between myself, my budget and what brand i wanted to get, i finally got myself a nice, sweet deal.

it was not as easy as i hoped it would be. i actually have been wrestling with the notion of upgrading my laptop for at least a month before i decided to let go of my wife's 28th birthday gift for me. jona did mention something which got me thinking - she said that 'you cannot allow yourself to think that gadgets have sentimental value.' and i could not have agreed more.

i got myself a samsung series 3 (300e4c-a03, to be exact) notebook. it came with a mailman bag (of the same brand), a pair of black usb-powered speakers (which i gave to my boss) and an optical mouse, which i decided to keep. since i have, for at least a year, been using a netbook, i thought to myself it would be good to get a 14" notebook instead.


this baby has a 2gb memory and a 500gb hard disk drive capacity. it came with a 60-day trial of norton antivirus (which is a staple, i think) and a windows 7 starter edition. it has a 14" anti-reflective HD LED display and according to the samsung website, it also has an anti-fingerprint, scratch-resistant finish. i just noticed that this machine is against a lot of things. matter of fact, it comes with a battery derived from samsung's anti-aging technology which 'ensures that the battery lasts 3x longer.'

it weighs a little over 2 kilos and the keyboard is definitely something i need to get used to. i have grown accustomed to the compact keyboard of my old hp laptop and when i first started using this, it felt as if my fingers were doing a little stretching every now and then. i opted to get a notebook since all the peripherals are already in one equipment and i can always bring phaidros (the pad) if i wanted something handy.

i spent at least an hour installing the usual (or necessary, for me, at least) files the moment i got home. that means mozilla (i am not a big fan of internet explorer), yahoo messenger, flash player and skype. the machine actually came with a pre-installed skype program, but for some reason, it just won't allow me to log in. so i uninstalled the program and downloaded a new version online. i just have not really had enough time to tinker through the built-in cyberlink media suite. who knows, it might just be something i would need when i create my mini projects.


overall, i only have had my new eros for roughly three days and everything seems to be working seamlessly. booting takes a little less than 20 seconds and even if i hook it up for half a day, the machine has managed to stay 'cool.' also, i'm glad that i got a darker shade of gray (i am unsure if this is too dark that you can already call it black), as the ones that i saw online were too colorful (and with colorful i mean yellow, orange, pink and green - which aren't my colors at all). this shade they call 'titan silver.' and indeed the machine is a titan in itself.

clean slate posted by imani , at 2:26 AM, in Labels: freefall

last week has been a pretty busy week for me. i did not just deal with my team and fulfilled about 20 hours worth of mod functions...i did something that usually takes me months and months to accomplish - i cleaned my pedestal.

and every time i do this, i always get reminded of my best friend chai. the first time she handled me as a coach she came up to me (which i thought would be for some lengthy one on one session) and asked me to unlock my pedestal.

i didn't have an idea what she wanted then but when she saw it she immediately said she will not leave until i have fixed it. so i did.

her idea behind it is simple - un-clutter so you can free up some work space and move around easily. and in a more metaphorical sense, she said she also practices it regularly as if to unload herself of past burdens and things we keep unnecessarily.

ever since then i would panic when i look inside my pedestal and find that i am still harboring post its drizzled with my unintelligible handwriting, notepads that have been filled with my scribbles, pens and markers that have all been used up, highlighters that just won't highlight things anymore.

so last thursday i told myself that i would have to get rid of the daily panic i put myself through and decided to turn my pedestal upside down and down side up (and inside out too). here's what the first, second and third drawers of my pedestal look like now:

the last year posted by imani , Wednesday, July 18, 2012 at 2:33 AM, in Labels: freefall

has been about waiting.

it has been about loving and lingering. it has been about our journey, our sacrifices, our distance, our tears.

but more than anything, the last three hundred sixty five days have been about keeping what we have alive, keeping what we have burning, and realizing every single second there is that nothing has been wasted.

i would not want to live the last year any other way. in another lifetime, i am sure i would still want you to be my partner-in-crime, my shock absorber, my sporadic nemesis, my best friend, my soul mate, my wife, the mother of our rohan.

for the past year we both have succeeded in laughing at the most mundane things, we both have succeeded in patching things up even after the worst of arguments. we have succeeded in wrapping each memory with nothing but desire, knowing that we were never alone, and that we will never be on our own.

what i want to really tell you is this, jona -

more than the sadness (or literally, being alone), in the last year i have challenged myself, i have surprised myself at what i can actually do, what i doubted (and possibly you did too) i could do. you have kept me going and have kept me sane (or have driven me insane, at times). but no matter has happened and no matter what will happen, i am assured that i have someone who will not let me down, i have someone who will always attempt to learn how to figure 'me' out, i know it can be challenging. i have someone who is proud of what we share and who is proud of me. i have someone who will fight for me and whose belief in my abilities is unwavering.

since i discovered my passion for written words, i have always made it a point to mark a moment - all by taking my pen and writing memories and visions and dreams down. i have never been this busy. as a matter of fact, i have been busier writing on your blog than on this one. hahahaha. though i only have posted (i think) two hundred plus sonnets of the three hundred and sixty five, i will see to it that you will always read something new in the next few weeks every time you visit your site.

so let me go back to that same road that took you away from me. and let me tell you that i will remain - that i will wait, that as much as i still could, exercise more patience, that i will be there until you emerge from oblivion and until i can hold you close again.

before you left, i promised that i will give you a sonnet for each day that we are not together. an entire year has passed, in a sense, we both have made that trip around the sun, this time, noting a different kind of anniversary. nothing could be more black and white. nothing could be more exact or precise. more than feeling a sense of accomplishment because i have proven i am still able to write, because you have prevented my brain from getting rusty, i feel that there truly is nothing i cannot overcome as long as your roses will be there to guide my fragrant remembering.

i love you, my lifetime. all my thoughts and wishes are for you.

telling time posted by imani , Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 2:42 AM, in Labels: freefall

this year has been about...spoiling. me, in particular.

my wife gave me phaidros, my new toy. my mom cooked my favorite dishes for me, my family was here to sing me happy birthday (while my sister was on skype), my friends threw a dinner and dancing party for me, i got my own birthday cake and...

this bunch came up with one of the biggest surprises -


they took the time and conjured a gift that truly is special. i have probably mentioned to one of them before that i have a penchant for collecting watches. and they probably have noticed that i usually go for the simple yet extraordinary designs.

i am still in awe of how they planned and how they all came up with such a birthday present. i have told them several times over that they have succeeded in spoiling me. but the sweetest thing really was the note that each of them gave me - saying that i deserve nothing but the best because with the team that we have built, they have experienced what it truly means to work together. one of them said that it's but a small gesture of appreciation for all the great things that our team has accomplished since i handled them.

but the team is not about me. i have had this job for a little over 8 years and have been handling people for at least around 7 years. and the key to making things happen is not to make it all about yourself. it is about developing others so they may be able to work independently. it is about showing them all the facets of self and team management and tying them all up with the idea that they belong in the team and they matter in the team. it is about knowing where to give credit when credit is due. it is about giving them all back the appreciation and pats on the back when it is given to you. it is about giving them an identity - while it is true that usually, the team behaves the way their captain behaves. but in the grander scheme of things, people will begin to have a greater sense of purpose not when you demand something from them, but when you show them how goals can be achieved so that they can demand something of themselves.

the best gift there is is to know that i have made a difference in their work life. that i have done something else to make them see what we do in a different perspective. and i am all the more humbled that again, i am in the company of people who place their belief and trust in me. special thanks to the following: migs, raf, reyn, chris, giselle, shena, arianne, jane, jeff, janey, perrie, joanna, mamu, rhona, claire, kathy, shin and joyce. you guys are rascals and i could not imagine our team functioning without your commitment and contributions, and of course, without the heart you put in the work we do as the expert group.

thanks, team t. you guys are awesome. more triumphs to come. :)

4th of july posted by imani , Wednesday, July 4, 2012 at 4:46 AM, in Labels: freefall

not that we celebrate it here but i have more than enough cause to celebrate.

they say it is about twilights, fireworks, big bangs, freedom, worth, value, meaning.

i have found all that in one kind, infinite, generous soul. and i could not ask for anything more.

i know we have our own failures, our own shortcomings. that we have our own misgivings and sometimes we are a little too stubborn to acknowledge that they are there. but i would rather have that with you than somebody else. i would rather see you though there may be tears in my eyes than share an experience with someone else.

it is you who reminds me there's much waiting in this lifetime for me - and the thought of you being there, at the end of every road, on every turn, on every avenue - has sufficed and always will suffice.


i know i am a bunch of contradictions, that i sometimes drive you insane more than making you feel assured (and sane, of course!). but if you just love me a day longer i know i can prove that we are worth the wait, that we are worth the distance and sacrifices, that we are worth everything we have given up in order to gain that life together.

you are the reason i have held on for so long - the reason i have overcome my own fear of separation and loneliness. you are the reason i know i can go through days and years of that if necessary. because life isn't life without you. because midnights are void of warmth and of meaning without the notion of you.

i have asked this time and again, and i will not cease to ask you this until we are old and gray and we start to look 'unlike' ourselves - be with me, my lifetime. hold my hand and understand you will never be on your own, not ever, not again. discern that you fuel all my thoughts and these same thoughts i will chastise and offer up to you, my muse.

speck posted by imani , Monday, July 2, 2012 at 12:10 PM, in Labels: freefall

on my birthday, i went to the mall with my cousin armed with the notion of scouring store after store in search for the perfect protective casing for phaidros.

after sifting through an entire wing for about thirty minutes and a 6-inch steak and cheese sandwich from subway, we found one, at a reasonable cost.

it is a slim folio from speck - what's nice about it is that it looks simple and posh on the exterior and interior. it has a leather finish, so i am assured i would not see a lot of fingerprints on the case itself. on the inside, there is a form-fitting cradle to see to it that the pad is in place. the lining is made of 'microsuede,' (according to the product information) or in other words, it is nice to the touch. also it is integrated with a magnet which activates the device' sleep and wake function.



the folio actually bends into several different angles to give its user the ease of viewing or typing using the ipad. this was what i was considering heavily (aside from the look, of course), because i didn't want to buy something that would not fulfill that function. i really did not get myself a gift for my birthday, so i suppose i would just count this as a present.

for a mere php 1, 650.00, i've just made my toy look 'trendier.'

demystefying brightness posted by imani , at 3:02 AM, in Labels: freefall

so for this year, my wife opted to get me a gadget that i didn't think was at all necessary, but it's too cool anyone who'd pass up on it would be insane.

she got me a wi-fi enabled ipad2 with a whopping 64-gig memory. i thought that the ipad2 would be just as great as an ipad3, and i really do not understand all the fuss about the new ipad. the only differences are the screen resolution, the camera and the processor. i suppose it all boils down to how you really would use it and what you would install in it.

after debating with myself, i decided to christen my new toy 'phaidros,' which in greek translates to 'bright.' on its own, the device is awesomely challenging. it could present some issues, such as when you need to load movies and just won't take any format. everything has to be apple (or in this case, ipad) compatible. i wanted to continue with the 'tradition' of naming my things with greek monickers, so i thought phaidros would make such a cute cousin to my laptop, eros. and of course there's my phone kairos, and my external hard drive, which i named alexios.

as we all have come to know, apple, by definition, is 'zen.' my ipad came in a simple white box, approximately 9 inches in height x 7 inches in length. the box had a paper/cloth lining underneath, carefully stitched in place to (i assume) protect the very sensitive glass interface. and everything inside is either covered with a thin clear plastic or encased in yet another white box.

so there's the pad itself, then the usb cable, which of course you can use to either charge the device or update your pad files. then there's a 10-watt usb power adapter which then needs to be connected to a plug (which in turn, would need to be hooked up to another adapter, as our usual electrical outlet does not support it). inside a flat, little box, you will find a basic 1-page reference to what your ipad looks like and where its buttons are, then there is the paper-thin manual (which no one really would bother reading, not just due to the insanely small texts but that we'd rather discover what magic this device can do on our own) and a couple of apple stickers (which i love!!!). i still have not found a surface where i would like to use the sticker on.


a tip for those who wanted to get an apple device? be ready with an itunes software. for without it, you cannot upload anything on to your device. the good thing is that there are a lot of host sites that would allow you to download the application for free, as a matter of fact, you can go to the apple website - and in it, you'll find two versions of itunes - one for mac computers and another for window-based computers. when you try to fix what's inside your pad, itunes will ask you to first register your product (it would even ask you for the name of your pad, which i thought was sweet) and it will do the rest of the stuff for you. it will look into all your mac-compatible files - name it - pictures, music, videos - then it will synchronize everything.

and i mean synchronize. this sync thing is awesome. as a matter of fact, even if your devices (laptop and pad) aren't connected by the usb cable, itunes will automatically sync the files as long as both devices have are hooked up to the internet. now, that's a treat!

the next thing you have to consider is getting a file conversion application. i got 'aimersoft' from the web and the freeware isn't at all bad. i needed a converter for my video files and the final output had the application's watermark but i didn't really mind it. this application will let you choose between an hd and non-hd output format, which boils down to not only how good you want the resolution to be but how much memory you have on your gadget.


phaidros is roughly around two weeks old and you bet we have bonded. i have been going nuts about some of the cool apps you can download from the apple app store. i got some nice apps for writing, for downloading e-books, utilities (especially an alarm clock), games (i am in awe of this thing, the resolution is impeccable) and mind puzzles (sudoku, dominoes, scrabble, trivia, etc.).

i know there's still much to explore and i am very excited about it. this definitely is one of those times i feel it's okay to be a kid again, or a kid at heart for that matter.

officially posted by imani , Sunday, July 1, 2012 at 11:52 AM, in Labels: freefall

thirty minus.

then i remembered instances when people asked me about how young (or old) i am - to which i would simply say, twenty plus. then there came a time they wouldn't stop with one question. they would ask, plus or minus? until my answer became 'twenty something.'

well a few days ago, it became something totally undeniable. it felt like i could tell my age with temperature - in celsius, of course. i do not want to have to go through a conversion process in order to tell someone the fahrenheit equivalent.

yes indeed. last june 29th, i turned 29. and 30 or more people in my high school class have gone through or will go through the same thing. this year is our year. it is as if i am confronting a...frontier...or a wall. i am not quite sure. a big wall of...nothing. i actually do not feel as old. when i think about it, i try to simplify it - i just made another trip around the sun and it has been one hell of a year. i have seen and felt so many things (much of which i won't divulge because of explicit content hahahaha) and i know every year i am always at the onset or the precipice of what could be the best year of my life yet.

but this year, there was one thing i was able to keep at bay. that would be my annual depression. as i may have written on this blog years ago, i usually would go through this long period of depression - a phase where i would catch myself staring at blank spaces, or just staring at anything, quietly asking myself if i have achieved anything. if i have paid attention to everything i needed to pay attention to. if i have hailed moments that was worthy of thinking of and being grateful for.

my wife actually took the depression thing seriously and succeeded in keeping me preoccupied. there was a lot of skype-ing, writing and reading, but she sent me something really awesome. which i will deal with in another post. this one will solely be about me.

so what has the past year taught me?

it has taught me to be more patient and to expect less. it has taught me the power of prayer and of gratefulness, the redemption we experience from learning to forgive. it has taught me that bottom line is - everything entails hard work. if we want to succeed, we have to work hard to learn the things we would not normally consider learning. and i am talking about people, work, the tangible and the intangible. i have learned that there are things that we need to remove from the equation so we may give space to things that needed to be in the equation.

the last year has taught me of the power of waiting. and the contentment that came with it (which, i admit, took me a while to see). i realized that in order for me to be truly happy, i must take each day like a grain of salt, that i must not allow myself to be stressed out by everything or by anything that a year from today i would not even remember. i realized that happiness can be achieved when we know there is integrity in everything that we do. integrity to fulfill our own dreams, to follow our own will as long as it does not include having to step on someone's toes. integrity to always do what is right by looking deep within and realizing whatever it is that truly matters to us. to the universe we create for ourselves.

every time i age, i always go back to that day i lost my father. and in the last few years that has damaged the way i think of life. but today, more than anything, i knew i had to go through that so i may toughen up, so that i will realize my ability to overcome all struggles. so i may realize the need to be grateful that i am living. i suppose that this is true for everyone - the more we age the clearer the idea of our own morbidity becomes. and i am more enlightened now to believe that yes, i have accomplished some good things in my life. that yes, i am not wasting what i have been blessed with. that yes, i am breathing and you bet i am tasting every single moment of it.

the last year has taught me the gift of appreciation. that no matter how small or how huge an event is, we simply must learn to appreciate them - all because these things help us evolve. that is precisely the reason for all our learning - so we may evolve - into better versions of ourselves.

maleficent posted by imani , Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 3:28 AM, in Labels: something else

i found an interesting photograph of angelina jolie on yahoo.com today. they practically waved a slab of meat to a hungry pitbull (or not really) - but this picture is enough to make us wonder how the movie would turn out - more of how it will be polished. this actually is reminiscent of lady gaga's (mother monster) look, she started sporting 'nubbins' and accentuated her lovely bone structure and declared that she was 'born this way.'

i have no doubt at all that angelina jolie can pull something off like this - after all, she's always been our girl, interrupted. she will be playing the coveted role of maleficent, sleeping beauty's arch-enemy in disney's up and coming motion picture.

according to the news, the movie is slated for a 2014 summer release. this is definitely something i'll be looking forward to.

darkness and light posted by imani , Monday, June 18, 2012 at 12:52 AM, in Labels: freefall

they say the sky is always darkest just before dawn.

if that is the case then the sun is not exactly shining in my side of the world. it is the exact same dawn, breathing the exact same perennial air of loneliness i usually get just before i turn a year older. i feel like i have been walking, traveling, treading on that paved avenue for days at no end.

this time, the first thing i heard is not a knock on the door or the alarm clock reminding me to wake up, get my act together and prepare for work. it's a thunderclap.

and in exactly eleven days, i will turn twenty nine.

i do not feel "old" or "ancient." it is not that kind of feeling that pushes me to re-think and re-evaluate my life. it is the notion of whether or not i have actually lived it.

this pseudo-depression, as i would label it, started when my father passed away. i just turned fourteen the year he succumbed to heart attack which lodged him into a coma, the same day my mom was supposedly celebrating her 48th birthday. what happened was she spent it in the hospital, and for an entire week, my family and i split our time between visiting my father, going to school and taking care of the chores at home.

that incident gave me a front row seat to a person's humanity - in short, someone's existence and death. and every year after that, i feel this pang inside my heart, a vague sense of not knowing if i am living up to my dad's wishes for me and my family's expectations of me.

i get that gnawing pain regardless of what i have accomplished or what i can still accomplish. it is as if my heart gets broken once a year - thinking and somehow knowing that things will forever be different because our lives have taken an entirely different direction when we lost my dad.

i am not blaming dad for this, no. it is just something that i could never seem to shake, no matter how i keep myself busy and no matter what i do to get my mind off of the idea of growing old and not being sure if the life that i am leading made any difference in someone else's existence - if i was at all able to touch lives or make someone's day better or if i was able to affect change, one way or another.

i do not want to discount the fact that i now have someone who is as resolute and as unwavering as i could ever dream anyone to be - my lifetime - and i am grateful that she talks to me when i get quiet, or when she feels that i am lost in my own thoughts. i am grateful that she tries to find a way, a means to take me out of that solitary, lonesome space.

i am not sure when i will ever be able to live through a year or some days without ever thinking of my own inadequacy or my own incapacity, but i also do not want to waste meaningful days when i know someone is loving me and looking after me regardless of my pain or my mess or my shortcomings.

maybe the storm will cease when i start to appreciate that there are some things that i can place upon my shoulders, that there are some things that i need to learn, that there are some parts of me that need mending - and that i may be drawn to darkness to begin with but i should also look at the one shining her light upon me.

the stories they tell posted by imani , Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 3:55 AM, in Labels: something else

who would have thought that the skeletal system shows as much as, if not more tell-tale signs of foul play versus its fleshy and muscular counterpart?

who would have.

that is what the fox hit series 'bones' teaches us. or has been teaching us for seven seasons. i doubt that i was the only one to get lost in the scientific blabber jabber when i started following the show. it was one of those that was both daunting and entertaining to watch, but i have to say that it is more science than science fiction.

enter our two major protagonists - dr. temperance brennan, played by the enigmatic emily deschanel and special agent seeley booth, a role given to the former vampire, david boreanaz. they, along with the rest of the jeffersonian institution's lot of squints - experts in pathology, entomology, cartography and perhaps other sciences that i have not heard of - fight crimes to keep the streets of washington d.c. free from criminals (name it - psychos, murderers, crooked cops, sneaky bastards, twisted maniacs).

the nice thing about bones is that the chemistry between the leads are undeniable...to the point - seething hot. that's probably the icing on the cake. what i really like about it is that the show's creator, producers, writers and directors offer the audience something to learn. it is like discovery channel - only that you cannot wait for brennan and booth's next heart-warming scene. these leads are striking contrasts of each other - yin and yang, light and shadow, creation and destruction. some have compared them with mulder and scully - though i think this bit is approached differently in 'bones.'

it got me through a brief, dark period in my life - where i found myself hurrying to go home so i can get myself my 'treatment.' though i would watch four to five episodes in a day, it never felt like i would suffer an overdose of it. what it left me with was the total antithesis of too much - i was left craving for more of it - more of the science and more of the tension between the main characters.

the character of dr. temperance brennan was based on forensic anthropologist's kathy reichs' novels - but according to reichs, who also produces the tv series, it would be a prequel to the more 'mature' dr. brennan as depicted in her books.

one of my favorite bones episodes was from season two - where the serial kidnapper 'gravedigger' was introduced. and just last month, i started streaming episodes from season seven online so i could do some catching up. and dig this: bones and booth had a baby.

the previous season left us with one hell of a cliffhanger - bones' revelation to booth that she is pregnant with his child and fast forward five months - they are sharing a domicile (in bones' own words), creating a new life and new memories together - and still dealing with fresh dead bodies and/or long time dead bodies.

in the last two weeks, i have scoured perhaps three book sale branches to get myself copies of kathy reichs' novels - and i so far have acquired nine of maybe a dozen books - for a little less than php 700.00. not bad at all. i have a good feeling tempe (and emily!) will be mighty proud of me as i attempt to devour the science as understood, interpreted and presented in the brennan tome:

marry the night posted by imani , Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 12:30 PM, in Labels: freefall

which was what lady gaga did.

with perhaps 15,000 of her faithful minions in last night's final show at the sm mall of asia arena.  

i was there.

i am there.

i feel like i left a fraction of me exactly where she was.

i have never seen the filipino crowd 'obey' an artist the way she made the rest of us did.  we screamed, we hailed her name, we danced, we got off our derrieres, we put our paws up - when she asked us to.

it was like we were all in a trance.  i was in a trance.  i am still in a trance.

she is the consummate artist - her theatrical flair, her musical genius, her sheer talent, her undeniable ingenuity.  that, combined with the capacity of her crew - both onstage and the ones taking care of what happens backstage - left manila with one hell of a performance to remember.

she emerged from her 'castle' on a horse and the clamor for her name was so loud i know my eardrums popped before she even began her third song.  

she cursed and pranced upon the stage like a mad, wild woman.  oh, that she was.  and that she always will be.  she mused about betrayal and freedom and how she cannot tolerate homophobia and violence and hatred and gathered the crowd with her songs - some new, some old, all were unforgettable.  

she gave her audience nothing short of a spectacle - great choreography, great repertoire, innumerable costume changes (it felt like it, i lost count of the number of times she changed costumes), great live performance!

her voice was solid and it was something you cannot mistake to be somebody else's.  her speaking voice, however, was adorable.  it was husky and a little deep.  probably her italian roots has much to do with it.  or just like me - my voice would usually sound 'deeper' during the night.  do not ask me how or why.

she sang some of my favorites - poker face, just dance, paparazzi, alejandro, americano, born this way, you and i, bad romance - and many others that made last night's affair heart-pounding and blood-curdling.  all because i simply cannot fathom how a 26-year old performer who also wowed the crowd the night before could manage to keep herself alive and kicking for two full hours.  

it was undoubtedly her passion.  it was her desire to make sure each and everyone under that roof was dog tired at the end of the show.  it was this sweet, twisted need of hers to ensure that every single human being was having fun and will have much to remember.

she succeeded and has made her little monsters utterly and terribly happy.

when i got home, i was still humming the music to myself - even when i have a bitch of a headache and my ass hurt big time from all the dancing and the jumping.  

more to come as my brain recuperates (if it will cooperate with the rest of my body).  one thing is for certain -- there are moments and instances that one can easily shrug off.  this is not one of them. 

thank you for the wonderful ball, my lady.  hats off to you. :)

the lady is a tramp posted by imani , at 1:07 AM, in Labels: freefall

the erratic manila weather is driving everyone insane - save one - lady gaga. despite protests and vigils left and right, the show went on and we will rock again tonight!  i'm pretty sure she will give the word 'crazy' a totally new meaning.

she unveiled her born this way tour in manila last night and in a few hours, i'll be joining her and her minions for another night of artistry, theatrical flair and sheer musical genius!

i won't be writing much now, i'm really,really excited that i'll have a chance to see her perform tonight at the sm mall of asia arena.  

brand posted by imani , Wednesday, April 4, 2012 at 2:47 AM, in Labels: something else

is the swedish equivalent of the word 'fire.'

and you guessed it right. this is a homage to stieg larsson's second installment to what i have aptly called the 'salander saga.'

the second book, which is called 'the girl who played with fire,' pretty much covered salander's tragic beginnings - how her father tortured her mother physically and psychologically, how her long term exposure to violence and disorder lead to 'all that evil,' which ultimately resulted to her being a ward of the state.

the first three paragraphs were actually written at least two months ago. i had the courage to go back to this 'post' again today, june 12th 2012.

for some reason i could not bring myself to write any more than what i have about larsson's opus. i am unsure why. perhaps it is because of my conviction that when i write about a book that i have read or give my piece about a literary material i have come across with means that it is all done. it has been finished.

and that was what i have probably been avoiding for over two months now.

then i realized that i still have the third book to write about. which makes it all the more depressing. i have created some sort of affinity with lisbeth - why she distanced herself from everyone else, especially to those she is most vulnerable with or most vulnerable to. i suppose it is this uncharted or unrecorded human response or instinct of hers that makes her do that.

that is something that i have not 'seen' or 'read' in any work of fiction in the last few years.

where do you get a protagonist who is both as indestructible as a thought made of steel, as resolute as any well thought of, well-written computer code, as volatile as the last known element on the periodic table. only in this novel.

only in this trilogy. only in this heart breaking treatment of possibly the best character ever to surface in the literary universe.

but one thing that is true about lisbeth is that she is elemental. as elemental as anything could get. as a matter of fact, she is sublime. as if her character or her persona transcends all forms of matter without any indication of changing its form.

more to come in the next few days.

that is if i can bring myself to gather what sadness and anguish i can recall about her.

rebirth posted by imani , Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 6:32 PM, in Labels: freefall

it felt like i have just been reborn.

after spending what seemed to be countless of days reading 'the rule of four,' my entanglement with the novel ended an hour or so ago.

it was satisfying. the book revolved around the renaissance text 'hypnerotomachia poliphili,' which translates to poliphilo's strife of love in a dream, a narrative in which the protagonist pursues polia, his love, his lover, whom he would die for and kill for, in a dreamlike escape.

the book itself presented a lot many things that need some serious digesting, and true enough, it took me close to a week before i could say i have read all four hundred something pages of it. what i really liked about the story is that it in itself was a short treatise for one of the major events in renaissance italy, when savonarola gathered all things negating christianity - art and texts alike - and burned them all as if to cleanse the city of its sinfulness.

now i am sitting in my study, watching my lifetime as she goes in and out of slumber, where i am blessed with brief moments to tell her i love her or that she should go back to sleep as i will be here when she wakes up.

i have told her several times over that i have returned to my passion for reading so i can keep myself preoccupied, believing it would make it easier for me to stop thinking about 'that' old mistress - smoking.

true enough, the last 9 books i have read in a month and a half gave as much help as i allowed them to offer.

but what i hope my lifetime would realize is that it is she who i hoped would keep me busy - and whom has actually kept me busy and made the idea of quitting something totally plausible.

then i go back to that notion when we wrestle with love in our wake and even in our dreams - that has so far been the kind of journey i have been sharing with her for the last nineteen months (or more), and every day i am grateful i am able to hear her voice when i open my eyes, and that the notion of closing them does not strangle my desire because she exists everywhere - she breathes and lives in every imaginable space and corner of my being.

it has been an endless renaissance for this soul. since she said she loves me. since that second she could no longer contain her emotions and decided to reach out for me and kiss me. since that moment she said she will do what she can to make me hers.

love liberates. it uplifts, compromises, to some point negotiates. love is the one i am looking at right now, with her hand on her face, her body draped with silence as she rests after a long and arduous day at work. love is her smile and her pause when she thinks or when she tries to conjure an idea to make me forget just how tough the day has been without her, love is her voice when she invites me to join her in a meal. love is her passion to want to build dreams. and it would appear that her love is the sigh of the moon right before the sun retreats in the horizon.

it has all happened. and hundreds of days later we still find moments we laugh and go back to how we began. it has happened and it is still happening.

happy nineteenth, mahal ko.

the trilogy that haunted me posted by imani , Thursday, March 22, 2012 at 10:44 PM, in Labels: freefall

in my dreams.

not exactly, but that was what it felt like.

since i saw the movie 'the girl with the dragon tattoo,' i never stopped thinking of when i can actually read stieg larsson's three-book masterpiece and this time, allow my head to imagine what would become of our punk heroine, lisbeth salander.

and just this morning, as i was set to do a bit of groceries, i saw that national bookstore is holding its annual summer book sale, where bookworms can feast on international titles and enjoy a 20% discount.

so i did the expected - i went around and scoured the shelves for the millennium trilogy. each of the books by larsson were valued at php 299.00 but i found a pack which can be bought for only php 745.00. and i thought i've stumbled upon gold.


when i reached the counter, the cashier personnel said i am still entitled to 20% off the original price. which meant i got the books for a little over php 630.00.

as of today, i have marked page 85 of 'the rule of four.' i am looking forward to starting with larsson's second installment to the salander saga (the girl who played with fire) since i have already seen the polished cinematic equivalent of the first book.


thank you to david fincher and to rooney mara for coming up with a visually enthralling, visceral, delightful interpretation of the girl with the dragon tattoo, that, as i mentioned on a post a few days ago - was enough for me to think the rest of the trilogy is worth delving into.


i do not find it odd that i feel a vague sense of closeness to the character lisbeth salander - how she struggles to keep herself together while the outside world continues to betray her and ostracize her. she has professed her own insanity and seems to be the least to be bothered by such a dense truth.

which is why i need to go back to reading now if i want to spend my weekend with 'the girl.'

i am certain posted by imani , at 10:25 PM, in Labels: freefall

that if i will be insane about a couple of things, that would concern my wife and books.

(and i have a feeling about what she will say about the statement i have just posted above.)

from march 16th up until april 15th, all national bookstore and powerbooks branches will be treating us bibliophiles to their summer book sale.


this means all titles can be bought with a 20% discount (with the exception of philippine publications). some are also available at prices ranging from php 100.00 to php 500.00.

this definitely is one good way to beat the crazy weather - whether you want to be solitary in a beach or in the confines of your room - bring a book with you. :)

an unexpected gift posted by imani , Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 2:03 AM, in Labels: freefall

a couple of days ago, my mom handed me a little package - it was wrapped in a dark olive green plastic bag and had tapes all over it, with a note carefully placed on top.

i didn't have to open it. i just tried to feel what was actually inside and i thought to myself:

it's a journal.

the gift came from ate mater - my cousin whom i have always professed to be the reason i listen to jazz in the first place. she also was the reason i came to like reading books. when i was a kid she would opt to buy me books in english instead of comic books which were a fad then and even now (regardless of what language). also, she was the one who gave me my own dictionary as a graduation present when i was in elementary school. believe it or not i still have the dictionary.

i might have mentioned this at one point, but ate mater always have encouraged me to read more and even delve in writing. for as long as i could remember she only truly gave me two things on my birthday or on christmas: i would get either a journal or a book.

and it was through her and this 'unwritten' but practical training that i knew i was able to develop my speech and writing skills. indeed, i did not have to be confined in any space. it is in books i find both my refuge and my adventures.

in between days posted by imani , at 1:31 AM, in Labels: there is no try

day thirteen:

i went to my wife's house and chatted up with her mom. in the same afternoon, i visited her cousin at a hospital and tried to catch up.

this day has been about journeys. it also was about going back and moving forward, always with that certain glimmer of hope that things will be better only if we hang on to our faiths a little longer.

i went around robinson's place in ermita to get eros a fan. i almost forgot to mention that i spent a good five hours at work this day and by some twist of fate had to mediate between two warring adults acting like kids.


day fourteen:

out of all the days in the week, this one i can call my own. i didn't have to go to work or didn't have to worry about having to go to work. i can stay at home and sleep for as long as i liked to.

but life's humor is always ironic. i woke up around 3:30 in the morning, a point from which i started chatting with my wife. i couldn't sleep, though she has repeatedly asked me to get some rest. i did try but my mind was wandering. so i decided to watch a movie.

now this one is interesting. i have seen the book but considered it too 'popular' so i decided against reading it while everyone else has their nose stuck in their own copies. i saw hollywood's latest treatment of larsson's the girl with the dragon tattoo starring daniel craig (one of my ultimate crushes) and rooney mara (up and coming then when the movie was being filmed but emerged an oscar best actress nominee) and i would have to say that the movie had enough in it to make me want to read the books. mara rocked in it, she 'is' lisbeth salander - mysterious, does not give a rat's ass about what you say and she dons a pretty cute mohawk. that bit made me envious.

i am still in that stage where i would delve at anything and everything to keep my mind off of the notion of smoking. hence the movies,the travels, the going back and forth, the admission that i miss my mohawk.


day fifteen:

first day at work. and as expected it was hectic. all i could think of when i started my shift was the want to go home and see my wife again. that was all.

i was not able to get myself anything to drink before i took a ride going to the office so i had to wait until my first break. i took a walk to 7-11 and bought myself a bottle of milk tea and chocolate muffins.

i had to keep my mind and my mouth busy. and you can think of that bit any which way you please.

i am still attributing the insane pattern in my appetite as part of my withdrawal symptoms. not that there was ever a pattern. i just felt like always having to put something in my lips, always taste something in mouth other than a lit cigarette.

have i thought of smoking again?

of course i have.

but every time i think about it, my hands and sometimes my feet would start to fidget or begin to moisten. i hold on to what i know would be best and tell myself over and over to not yield.

i need to be stronger than this.

today i finished reading 'room' and picked up 'the rule of four.' i remember giving a copy to a friend as a gift two christmases ago and i have no idea why i did not attempt to read it before giving it away. anyway, i got my copy at booksale in moa about two or three weeks ago, for a reasonable php 75.00. i am actually smiling just thinking of it right now.

speaking of books, i have decided i will collect stieg larsson's millennium trilogy all because of the excessively damaged and recluse lisbeth salander. there is something about this character that begs for more than one's curiosity - it is this nagging need to actually understand her struggles and how she came to be.

days seven to twelve posted by imani , Sunday, March 18, 2012 at 2:57 AM, in Labels: there is no try

sorry i was gone for a little while.

eros had a 'breakdown' come the seventh day. i was on skype with my wife when this odd and random error message popped, alerting me that it will restart.

and i thought it was nothing. i allowed the poor thing to do what it needed to do. after which, i tried to open it.

i waited.

and waited.

and waited some more.

until i realized something must really be fishy because it won't boot to its operating system even when i tried to 'salvage' what i can of the hard disk.

my hope fizzled. the first thing that dawned on me: i won't be able to see jona.

early the next day i made it a point to stop by the hp center in moa only to be told that it is going to take around 6k if i want eros fixed that same day. the guys were nice enough to tell me that i can just take eros to the hp service center in buendia since it's still under warranty.

off i went. when i got there i was asked to accomplish an info sheet and was asked to wait to be called. one discovery: you can surf the net for free while you wait for them to inspect the machine. you will also be told that coffee and iced tea is on the house. very nice indeed.

i was told they'd need to lock the poor thing in isolation for 3 days. that was the minimum number of days i had to be without my laptop. maximum was 7 days. when i heard that last bit i wanted to go back to moa, but then i thought to myself, i just have to be patient and i might not have to pay anything.

the hp customer service team was awesome. as promised, they provided daily updates on eros' status by getting in touch with me through both phone and e-mail. they'd let me know if an engineer has checked the machine, if they've ordered the parts needed and if they've done testing on both the hard and soft wares. turned out eros' hard drive got tired and it went bonkers - erasing everything else i have installed and left in it. thank god for warranty and for ehds.

true enough, after 3 days, i received an e-mail telling me that eros is ready for pick up. and i could not have been happier with the news.

here's a shout out to yvette, mae, zel and the rest of the hp service center team - you certainly have impressed me with the way you guys handled the issue. the follow ups were done and most importantly, you guys took your time in assessing what need to be done. one happy customer right here!

day six posted by imani , Tuesday, March 13, 2012 at 5:47 AM, in Labels: there is no try

i reached for a bag of lays the moment i woke up. i was too lazy to scour for decent food in our kitchen.

i think that this whole thing has made me want to stuff myself as a means to keep me and my mouth preoccupied. now that did not come out right. but i could care less, really.

my right wrist and forearm hurts. it does not hurt like hell but it sure is uncomfortable. i tried to do a few hand exercises to relieve my forearm muscles of the pain.

when i woke up at about 230 a.m., i popped a disk on my dvd player - this time, i watched lie to me's season two. i was reminded how ingenious this series is and how devastating it was that they weren't renewed for a 3rd season. i'm not straight but i would love to pick on tim roth's brain. consummate actor. i don't suppose anyone else can play cal lightman like he does or did.

finally finished frey's 'the final testament,' i will be writing something about it within the next few days, i just want to save what neurons i have to reading the next book from my shelf. and i won't mention the title for now.

last night, eros stopped cooperating with me. i was trying to troubleshoot it using the good old command prompt but the message 'please wait' stared at me for roughly around 3 hours. it was then when i realized i needed to take it to a doctor...or a psychiatrist. so at 930 a.m., i got myself ready and went to the service center where they offer free iced tea and coffee. i just got my coffee cup when my name was called by the personnel assisting me.

i was told i would need to leave her there, minimum of 3 days (a period they call 'isolation') to maximum of a week. bummer. she asked me if i have important files in the laptop and i knew that such an inquiry will not result to anything positive. turns out, i didn't know that eros' hard drive had suicidal intent - it crashed itself and wouldn't boot to the operating system.

thank god it's still under warranty. i think i just saved myself around 6k for hardware replacement and labor and reformatting.

but i do miss eros.

day five posted by imani , Monday, March 12, 2012 at 2:28 AM, in Labels: there is no try

had to go to work for a few hours. and was on a head-on collision with the typical makati traffic at seven in the morning (on a monday) when i was on my way home.

had breakfast while my wife slept. i was in my channel surfing mode when the exhaustion kicked in. i dozed off and my body did not even try to fight it.

i cleaned my room today. realized that it takes approximately 6 cleaning sessions to use up a small can of pledge furniture polish. that's considering i only use it for my shelf and my study table. hmmm...am beginning to wonder if it was worth spending for - i remember buying it for php 160.00.

i want so bad to finish frey's the final testament today. i think i have stumbled upon an impasse - the story has become tedious. if there's one consolation - i think there's about 60 pages left.

while i was dusting the bookshelf, i thought to myself - there's much to be busy with, there's much i can do to take my mind off of things. take my mind off of smoking, off of withdrawal, off of having initiated this 'cleansing' process.

and it is true - there is much to do so i can enrich and gather myself. if only i can take a leave for an entire month. bummer.

i still have to clear my throat every once in a while. it is as if there's an irritation waiting to go full blast.

day four posted by imani , Sunday, March 11, 2012 at 5:29 AM, in Labels: there is no try

somehow the itch stopped. thanks to strepsils.

i suppose my body is still getting used to this. 'this' being everything.

it feels like what i did and what i am committing to is that major of a change.

well i 'know' it is major. why would it not be. five years of love and of hate and of questioning why i had to pick up this habit.

i was fidgeting earlier. i tapped my foot every time i had the 'urge' to smoke. i also noticed that my hands were sweating so i tried to keep it busy. i was able to accomplish a lot of things at work but got this numbing feeling on my forearm afterwards.

that's my carpal tunnel syndrome asking to be remembered.

p.s.: my wife reminded me to make mention of my impossible mood swings. sorry, mahal.

day three posted by imani , Saturday, March 10, 2012 at 12:56 AM, in Labels: there is no try

there was a cough. and then a sneeze.

and then there was the feeling that my olfactory nerves are regaining its sensitivity.

but there was still 'that' itch on my throat.

and i would not pretend. i wondered if a drag would make me feel better.

and that's when i picked up the book i have been reading for a few days and decided never to venture into the dark frontiers of such a dangerously lonely thought.

what did i do at work today?

took my breaks, sometimes i consumed my time talking to my friends and laughing and telling them about my desire to finally kick the dirty habit of smoking.

i went to church and lit candles this time, said a few prayers and asked Him to continue guiding me.

what journey is not filled with temptations. but there is much to preoccupy myself with. thank God there is much.

day two posted by imani , Friday, March 9, 2012 at 1:18 AM, in Labels: there is no try

i do not know how i lasted the entire evening...how i survived the entire shift.

i only know i went to work armed with nothing save a 4-hour sleep. i was floating. and i was carrying a big bottle of juice everywhere i went.

i was walking back and forth, assisting my team, trying desperately to talk without slurring. trying desperately to keep myself awake.

and then i remembered all those days i depended on cigarettes and energy drinks and convinced myself that it is much easier to keep myself going long as i have those two.

this is the second day i haven't smoked a cigarette, the second day i haven't taken a swig of some energy drink named after a reptile.

but guess what.

i was really tempted. to take one. to light one.

probably not the idea of consuming an entire stick.

the notion of inhaling a puff of smoke seemed to suffice.

but it hit me - again.

and i hope it hit me over and over until i am battered and bruised.

until i would detest, abhor, hate myself for ever thinking about it.

it hit me - what will i get out of it?

my throat seems to be in this perpetual state of itch and i know that it is temporary. well, say it lasts a few more days than i hoped it would, i would have to put up with it. i deserve to hurt, because i did not think of pain before. i only thought it felt nice to have a vice and hold a cigarette in between my fingers.

here's another day. and the battle is not over yet.

keep me strong, Almighty.

day one posted by imani , Thursday, March 8, 2012 at 2:17 AM, in Labels: there is no try

i remembered what yoda said: do or do not, there is no try.

it has been over 24 hours since i lit the last cigarette (note how i am trying to detach the action from who i am: "the last" instead of "my last.").

i went to work today. and i honestly knew it would be a challenge - all because i am accustomed to taking my breaks and going out and leisurely lighting a cigarette, convinced that it keeps me awake.

i did the exact same thing: bought a bottle of juice before work, added a bar of chocolate on top of that, and the same cycle: i would go out every 2 hours, only this time i am waking around and drinking instead of smoking.

it started when i knew i just had to stop. i have attempted to get rid of the habit before but obviously there was a relapse.

i knew there was nothing good about it but i was hooked for at least about 5 years.

i knew that regardless if i would decrease the number of cigarettes i consume everyday - as long as i am still smoking, my body would suffer and is suffering the same damage.

i told my wife about it. i wrote on my datebook. and i asked God to help me.

and i know it would only be possible if i will help myself.

today was about finding a distraction. there is a desert in my mouth. there was this bitter taste at the back of my tongue.

i held on to the juice bottle and i walked.

in between posted by imani , Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 11:53 PM, in Labels: something else

today and the days that passed, i did not stop and did not allow my 'compulsion' to get the best of me. my compulsion being this weird way i had before when i would pick up a different book when the one i am currently reading has become stale or boring.

right after reading 'the lost symbol,' i looked at my shelf and took one of gabriel garcia-marquez' celebrated novellas - 'chronicle of a death foretold.' let me tell you something about how i came to love garcia-marquez.

i was in college when my friend mumai first handed me a copy of his masterpiece 'one hundred years of solitude,' (cien anos de soledad) and from then on i understood that he is one gifted storyteller. his talent is immense and even when there were moments i found myself lost in the labyrinth of his tales, he always managed to pull his readers out of it and show them an ending so satisfying, you will forget you ever got lost in the maze of his characters' names, the places they have been to and their odd and mundane experiences.

a couple of years later, when i started working and received my first pay, i made it a point to get myself a copy of his novel, along with paulo coelho's 'by the river piedra, i sat down and wept.'

and then i remember finding this great deal in powerbooks back in 2006, i suppose - when i bought 10 of garcia-marquez' books for a mere php 1, 100.00. by then i already have a copy of 'one hundred years of solitude' and 'love in the time of cholera,' so i opted to give the other copy as presents to our doyen, ernie.

so right after finishing 'chronicle of a death foretold' - which was this obscure narrative about how its protagonist, santiago nasar, was murdered and the events that lead to his slay - i picked up dan brown's 'digital fortress.'

i asked my wife which book i should read the next and she said that it would be nice to shift from one literary genre to another - and i totally agree with her. i suppose i just have a bias for the robert langdon series - which was why it took me a little longer to finish reading the 'digital fortress.' but in the same dan brown convention - you are to expect puzzles upon answers and answers that would reveal more mystery than enlightenment.

in the last two weeks, i scoured 3 different branches of 'booksale' in manila (there's one in harrison plaza, robinson's place manila and another in sm mall of asia) and have been 'lucky' to get a 2nd hand copy of 'digital fortress' and 'deception point,' which i bought for php 180.00 and php 195.00, respectively.

here's a picture of all of brown's books sitting on my study table:


i am still in that standstill phase - allowing my brain to 'rest' and take a break from reading thrillers but i am certain i will get to 'deception point' before this month ends.