eros the bittersweet

water

admiring the glistening
ember of your majestic
eyes, seething, struggling,
insatiable
biding time as i bask
in an afterglow
of heat and mist
waiting, anticipating,
craving for the next
word to fall from
your lips and
alter the arduous
path brimming with
water and stones
your thoughts silence
my furtive heart
the seconds linger
the distance is
maimed by that
which springs
from your
idle fantasies.



for calliope

white

your body filled
with luminosity and
my hand clamoring
for more of you
threads of sunlight
pouring from your
eyes, you blind
even the most passionate
stranger
leading her to the
gracious, impermeable
delight of your
smile and your color,
choosing to exist only
in your imagination
~ an inexhaustible
fire, an undeniable
yearning for one
peaceful night
of you sheathed
in an endless
white.



for calliope

begging

wrestling with your playful,
lithe, smooth, merciless
smile as the night hints
into the forgotten clouds
landing on the earth of
your supple skin, my
irrepressible and irrational
languish over minutes
of crushing desire to be
closer to you than I was
the last time,
the fluid memory of
staring at your lips as
you spoke softly of dreams
and sunsets,
begging to arrive,
begin, adore the
helpless moments
i waited for no one
but you.



for calliope

bits and pieces part two

If he is already letting you go – then fly away. Whatever his reason is for saying this to you or doing this to you – do not seek to learn any of it anymore. You will end up diving into the abyss one more time. You have lost yourself far too many times already because you have kept yourself clutching the knife’s edges. Again, I am not saying it is bad, I have done that before – all I am saying is that you have to allow yourself to dance to your own beat now – you and him do not hear the same music and do not move to the same cadence anymore. That’s harsh but that is the truth – and I bet that in 10 years you would not want for your life to flash before your eyes and come back to smack you in the face. :)

I have read somewhere that: life can take away happiness, but it cannot take away having had it. Cherish the good and the hurtful moments – they were given to you because they’d make you grow - so do not be the only one holding back your growth now.

Focus on the now – or better yet – refocus your vision to yourself – and what you can do to make things better. I am not one who easily lets go of things but we have to wisely choose and consider the things that we hold on to and the things we let go of. Concentrate on what is essential and is necessary. For the longest time you have built your universe around him and left your own garden to allow the weeds to grow. Now is the best moment to go back and pick your pieces up and unroot that which keeps on hurting you.

Sometimes we are looking for the light in the wrong places. Sometimes we curse the darkness because we haven’t fully realized that we are capable of lighting our own candle.

Steady hands take the wheel – take the challenge of being on your own (yes, given that you are suddenly without that someone) while you know you can – do not let it slide. If it has gone and you are alive, you didn’t need it. It’s all part of your emotional evolution.

No one ever said that love guarantees bliss – take the pain because no one can and will take it for you – which is why you have to square your shoulders to the world and just exude that 'can-do' attitude – because you know you are able to and because you know you deserve better.

bits and pieces part one

About things flying out the window or ending up as a waste of both your time – that will never happen – at least not for you – because I know you only meant to love him and keep him – the best way you can. You never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back. You have put yourself out there, took the risk, got so high and fell so hard – but hey, that is life. You are responsible only for your own heart – and you went after what would make you happy – if it did not work out, then do not curse or blame yourself for lack of foresight – be grateful that you are emerging from this – you might be bruised and hurt, but you are still breathing. That should be reason enough to praise Him.

us

the form assumed by
air when you let the
smoke escape from
your lips
the shape taken by
water as you let the
rain trickle down
your nape
the happiness embodied
by wildflowers blossoming
in the night
the loneliness of dusk
broken by the laughter
of dawn,
a ceaseless wondering
of what we could
become.


for calliope

but

this craving is too difficult
to conceal and my
desire escalates,
dances and leaves
the house of smoke
and clouds
to reach and
seek the edges of
your wonder,
your gaze of light
and your lips
a spring of
tenderness and
silence
my soul rushes
like the blood in
your veins,
wanting this
moment
ever
more.


for calliope

a mother's prayer

i just heard the crushing truth - that my mother spends a fraction of her day praying that i will be 'normal.' that my identity is a phase, that soon i will realize i would like to have a family with a man.

but what is normal, really? it is so overrated. and it is just odd that the very person who gave birth to me thinks that i am anything but not normal - so what exactly does that say about her or my father? my mom even mentioned that had my father been alive, i would not hear the end of it - all because my dad is a disciplinarian.

if my dad had been alive, i know it would all be a breeze. who i am does not have anything to do with discipline. i am born this way. if my dad had been alive i know i would be loved - i am his favorite, and with his wisdom he will realize that nothing will change the fact that i am his daughter.

it is this unimaginable and excruciating hollow - to support a family that does not support, or at least respect who i am. it is not so much about 'choosing,' as you cannot choose your identity - it is inate, it is inborn, and your identity is inescapable.

sometimes i wish i can tell my mom her child had been my other cousins - who are straight - but are dreamless, useless bums and drug addicts. maybe it'll be a whole lot easier for her.

i do not need your prayers, mom. pray for those who do not have food to nourish their starving bodies - those who do not have a roof above their heads - those who lost a limb or something that would render them incapable of working.

johann wolfgang von goethe once said: 'if God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.' i will not let your hysterical cynicism get into me. i have not spoken like this to you or about you in my life until now. because i will not tolerate your discrimination - toward your own flesh and blood. i have done most of the things in my life - in the desire to please you and make you proud.

i am here because God wanted me here. i am here because God wants for me to fulfill something grand. i am here because you brought me here. i seek not your love or your understanding. i seek not your light or your motherly affection. what you just said totally extinguished the need for me to feel that. however, i know i deserve respect.

if you pray hard enough everyday i hope you will realize that i am God's creation as much as everyone else is. He loves without exceptions. i am blessed to know that God embraces all that i am.

itching

yes, i am itching to get another tattoo. i have a couple of poems (i am talking about 5-liners, not sonnets, guys - so do not faint) in mind. my friend reich (who will celebrate her birthday on wednesday) mentioned that there is a website (www.flipscript.com) that generates ambigrams.

i went to the website and had an ambigram of the phrase 'ANIMA CHRISTI' made. it is a catholic prayer, the text is in latin, but it actually means 'SOUL OF CHRIST' in english.

here is the entire prayer:

ANIMA CHRISTI

ANIMA Christi, sanctifica me.
Corpus Christi, salva me.
Sanguis Christi, inebria me.
Aqua lateris Christi, lava me.
Passio Christi, conforta me.
O bone Iesu, exaudi me.
Intra tua vulnera absconde me.
Ne permittas me separari a te.
Ab hoste maligno defende me.
In hora mortis meae voca me.
Et iube me venire ad te,
Ut cum Sanctis tuis laudem te
in saecula saeculorum.

Amen.


SOUL OF CHRIST

SOUL of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds, hide me.
Separated from Thee let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me.
To come to Thee, bid me,
That I may praise Thee in the company
Of Thy Saints, for all eternity.

Amen.

here's the ambigram:



rock and hawk

Here is a symbol in which
Many high tragic thoughts
Watch their own eyes.


This gray rock, standing tall
On the headland, where the sea-wind
Lets no tree grow,


Earthquake-proved, and signatured
By ages of storms: on its peak
A falcon has perched.


I think, here is your emblem
To hang in the future sky;
Not the cross, not the hive,


But this; bright power, dark peace;
Fierce consciousness joined with final
Disinterestedness;


Life with calm death; the falcon’s
Realist eyes and act
Married to the massive


Mysticism of stone,
Which failure cannot cast down
Nor success make proud.



by robinson jeffers

still | poem twenty one

white

the sound of pure,
impeccable, unaltered
motion, of the waves
that come and leave
your wide ocean
the patient and steady
stones of your innocence
leading me to believe
our time exists now
resting, sleeping inside
the dream you enfold
in your bosom
dancing, speaking
to my hopes and longing
for the unaltered,
impeccable, pure
sound of

white.

still | poem three

memory
symphony


confection
perfection


anticipation
emancipation


flight
fight


bright
delight


desire
haywire


unspoken
unwritten.

standpoint

darkness ~
all that remains
infinities ~
lost but never found
solace ~
parallel to the death
of night
audacity ~
improper confidence
wonder ~
the limbo where you
will find yourself
past ~
what you have foolishly
let go of.

consequence

the pandemonium and
cacophony, the mess
and tangle
the finality
before causality
of broken reasons and
maimed faith
scarred by your
absence and
of pages to fill
with nothing but
mistakes and
regrettable moments
when i should
have held you
but chose not to…
when i should
have followed
when you started
walking away.

first

with no recollection
of the carnage,
the murder,
the debauchery
i tread aimlessly
with your memory
cutting though my
feet, my skin
aching in the
senselessness of
things past
realizing hell is
what it feels like
the first time.

tacet

what floats between us,
what i did not have
the courage to say,
what my memories
torture me with,
what we search for
in the midst of
an argument,
what we keep to
ourselves,
what measures
here and now,
what disparages
all that we have
built,
what you left me with.



*tacet is latin for silence

what the heck...


poetic universe

watching
doubting
wheeling
shining and
pondering
before it stops
at some final
crowing point

any thought
utters a dice throw.

a great unraveling

after all these times, after all the seconds that i burned attempting to live my life...i stumbled upon an impasse.

i cannot write nor think. i cannot breathe nor dream.

i can only hope that things will be better.

and do nothing but realize that things happen for a reason.

i am only able to remember the things that you made happen.

this is not our end - however - we have to allow each other to grow.

this is my prayer - in the name of the best of us.
 

anais nin

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

t.s. eliot

i should have been a pair of ragged claws.

frida kahlo

i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return.