of odds and ends posted by imani , Wednesday, October 26, 2011 at 10:17 PM, in Labels: freefall

i sit alone under one of the parasols in my favorite coffee house. i am biding time, waiting for when i can take eros to the service center to get him fixed. the mall radio is playing a 'milder' rendition of 'feliz navidad,' - the guitar humming in the background and luckily, it's an instrumental.

while i am sipping my favorite blend, i thought - why not afford myself this time to write about something that may be so familiar but emphatically the most important thing in my life right this moment.

today marks our fourteenth month.

today marks the fourteen months i have been basking in my lifetime's love and light - though some days were blighted with 'misunderstandings,' what i appreciate is that my wife and i never allowed a day to end without seeing eye to eye and gazing toward the same direction - reconnecting with the dreams we have conjured and its realities, which, for the longest time, we both have been seeking.

they say we deal with the cards we are given, whilst others have made it a point to underscore that the house always wins. it is true that there are elements we cannot avoid, that there are things we both have to face to deepen what we share, and in that sense, we deal with whatever life throws our way. however, after everything has been said and done, it is how we act that defines a moment. that it is the manner in which we continue to bear the weight of who we are and what we have between us that determines which instance would matter or not. and it is not significant who wins and who loses. the question always is - what can we take away from an experience?

and even after all the laughters laughed or the tears shed - everything counts between you and me. everything. i would not leave anything out only to make what we have appear saccharine or perfect. i do not need a perfect situation. i do not need a perfect relationship. what i do need is someone imperfect who so perfectly stays with me until the dust has settled - someone who would hold my hand and say i love you, even in the middle of an argument - because there is a love to be saved and a lot still to hope for.

and i have been blessed with that. i have been blessed with someone like you.

and who would have thought i deserved a love like yours, who would have thought i can be part of something greater than what i have made for myself. up to this time, i ask myself that question. and i don't have an answer. except that, maybe, even when i am flawed, i never tire of trying again and again.

that you, ahold of my hand now, tells me even in silence that i can learn. that you will be there to help me differentiate (even more) the right from the wrong. that you will be there to discover the universes left for us to understand. there is still a lot to be done and a lot to be said and learned, but i will be as unwavering as i always have - in your faith in us, in my faith in myself.

i honestly never felt, for once, that we would cave in. that we would sit and watch what we have meet its demise. all because every time we are in the height of what seemed to be too implausible to discern, i am reminded of how we both waited for the right moment - how we both waited for each other. how we both took an endless halt until we find an unmarred instant we can both make sense of whatever it is we have been keeping for each other.

and today - just like all the days we have spent together, all the days we have been together, i begin to see what little i know of who you are and the passion that drives you and begin to understand that i could not possibly let my fear get in the way. you bet i will be with you until the end that we will never see.

you can bet that i will be with you to understand all that makes you the fumbling, sweet, beautiful being you always have been. so please, please, let me embrace you through all these. let me love you the best way i can, all with the notion that i can still do so much to love you more than i am doing now.

do not stop falling in love with us. do not stop meeting with me in the middle. do not stop letting me know when i fall short or when i do not see the things that you are seeing. do not stop needing to see me at the start and end of each day that passes. do not blink at the slightest conundrum. you know i will listen. you know i will say what needs to be said. you know i will remain. do not stop loving me the way you do. do not stop for us.

i love you with all i have and i am loving you with all the hope and courage i could muster. because you deserve it and there could never be any other way to make you feel that we will last and you will never ever have to be alone.

broken glass posted by imani , at 9:32 PM, in Labels: freefall

i always have had a penchant for collecting things that an average human being wouldn't bother much about - books (usually of the same author), movies (same actors that i really like), fountain pens (i used to own 3, now am only able to keep one - i remember giving my hello kitty pen (a real, functional, ink-hungry pen) to one of my favorite college professors and the other one i lost when i was in college, it was handed to me as a gift when i graduated from high school), watches (i have two precious esprit watches and am planning to add more).

early this year, jona convinced me to get my eyes checked - am used to proudly telling people that i have 20-20 vision, given my unhealthy reading habits. so one day last february, we went to quiapo to get the deed done. turned out that i no longer have perfect vision. instead, i was told by the optometrist that i am nearsighted and both my eyes have a grade of 25. not bad for someone who's spent most of her life with her face stuck on books (or television - but mostly books).

i have to admit that i tried to cheat when it came to reading the snellen chart. which was a total bummer because if that was what i really wanted to do, i should have memorized all the letters on the freakin chart but i didn't. ha! so after pretending that i could see everything, i surrendered, i succumbed. the doctor told me not to force it and just like what my wife would say - it's better to have glasses on since i spend most of my work on the computer.

in a matter of 4 months, i managed to have 3 pairs of spectacles done. i suppose it's the obsessive-compulsive in me. i initially wanted to get frames to match the clothes i'd usually wear, which shouldn't at all be difficult because majority of what i have are in black. here's a picture of my wife and i after our first trip to the optometrist:

i know what you would say. what stands out is not our brand new glasses but the color of the shirts we were wearing. i feel like my wife looks like cotton candy and i look like banana chips. haha! it beats me that it took me a long while to get used to wearing glasses - and it is not like my life depends on it. for pete's sake, my nephews' (botchok's and dunstan's) glasses are thicker than mine, with the latter practically blind without it.

jona actually got me my first pair. after a few weeks, we went back and i got another pair made. here's a picture of them with some of my books:

before my wife left, we had another pair made (she had to get an extra pair in case the other one would break and i only felt like having to get another pair, not out of necessity, but out of the fact that the red frames were really cute and i thought it would match my favorite fake, red converse sneakers). and the frames were pretty cheap. so yesterday, as i was doing my morning routine (drinking coffee, checking my blog, reading the news on the net), i went downstairs to get myself my caffeine fix and as i was removing my red glasses so i could fix my hair, it broke. the subject for today's post is not a metaphor for anything, apparently.

my dear mom tried to salvage the poor glasses. she came to the rescue, having found a bonding agent (this is the most apt name, but sure, you can call it 'mighty bond') in less than five minutes after i told her that the left temple broke in two.

then my mom gave me the saddest news - it can no longer be fixed. when i told my wife about the news, she laughed and told me it's time to let it go. we got it for roughly around php 600, frames included. i always have had trouble letting things be. i kept it and has since found its way back to the plastic case it came with.

i am bent on taking it to quiapo within the next few days, with the hope that i can get the same frame and just use the lenses. talk about being a cheapskate.

let me take that back posted by imani , Tuesday, October 25, 2011 at 11:05 PM, in Labels: freefall

my lifetime and i have been on video chat for the better part of this morning. you see, we have a 5-hour difference between us, but what's amazing is that we are tireless in finding time to be 'together,' which i know is crucial, in all sense of the word.

around 9:00 o'clock earlier, she gave me the heads up that she's sleepy and i told her to head to slumber and that i will be right here looking at her and will maybe do some writing. given the narcoleptic that i am, it took less than 10 minutes for me to doze off and sleep 'beside' her. i woke up less than an hour ago and i was staring at the last few posts on this blog and was hit in the face by something.

jona 'did' give me a book. so sorry about that. i was looking at my shelf and i suddenly remembered that my wife handed me an edition of anne rice' 'the claiming of sleeping beauty' a few months ago. i know it was something she got from e-bay and i actually lost my copy about two or three years ago. it was published by plume, an imprint of the dutton signet publishing house.

i think i have told her about losing this book because of my stupidity once, and i understand that it took effort to look for a copy just like the one she handed to me. and as i have said, she doesn't really pick books for me because i like reading all different sorts of literature, however, i do know that my passion for reading is enough for my wife to remember the ones that i do like.

there was this time when i told jona why i started building my own little library - i said that it's in preparation for influencing our child when we do adopt. i want to make sure that rohan would have access to these materials - books i didn't have the chance to read when i was growing up because back then my family didn't have much and i usually get them as present from my ate mater during birthdays and christmases.

i mean, i know that reading anne rice is not for the faint of heart. what i do want to develop in our child is the appreciation for the written language. jona and i would kid about giving rohan a huge trouble - we'd imagine that in a few years, we would see her staring at this huge bookshelf - half of which would have medical books, and the other half, the stuff that i would usually read.

i told my wife that it does not matter what course or path our daughter would like to take on when she grows up. what counts is that she gets as educated as she could - that she would keep an open mind about anything and everything. that books are there for her imagination and consideration - and possibly, they are there too for her to pursue.

so yes, mahal - i slowly have dealt with the idea that rohan might have an inclination in the medical field just like her mom. and i don't suppose there's anything better than that. she could be a dentist and still love pablo neruda, or for this matter, get engrossed in the sleeping beauty tales as written by a.n. roquelaure.

finally posted by imani , Friday, October 21, 2011 at 2:53 AM, in Labels: freefall

after what seemed to be an endless wait, my wife finally called. i have been 'trying' to keep myself busy all day, knowing she's somewhere else and probably tired from work and is sleeping. i have thought of giving her a call but i did not want to spoil her rest. so i waited. and waited. and blogged in between. and waited some more.

a few minutes ago i heard her voice and it was a relief. to know that even when we have this distance between us, that even when we live in two different continents, we ache for and seek one another - whether at the onset or at the end of both our days.

the time difference takes its toll sometimes but we seem to have formed this unwritten and unspoken habit of being awake when the other one is, of sleeping beside each other (yes, we do find time frames when that can be done), we even eat and say our prayers with each other. there has never been a day that i didn't find her there waiting for me too.

i have learned not to count the days she has been away. instead i count down to the days we will see each other again - the days ahead of us when we will never have to be apart. i know we never really have been without each other. it is because of her i am breathing again, and it is because of her i am risking everything so i can be this resolute, so i can be this certain. because she deserves nothing less than who i am and all that i can offer.

a discovery posted by imani , at 1:32 AM, in Labels: freefall

okay, obviously, i couldn't sleep. and obviously, working at night has messed up my body clock. not messed up, erase that. working at night has ruined my body clock and i am still here.

and this next thing i am to talk about - i suppose i have heard of this or read about it one point or another in the last 5 or so years, but i only saw it for myself today.

laurel holloman, who plays tina kennard in the celebrated showtime lesbian drama the l word, is a painter. a freakin painter. with freakin i mean undeniably talented. true that laurel is one hell of an actor herself but she has totally given the word 'creative' an entirely new meaning. i am just in awe of this woman's talent.

i've made one awesome discovery for today - and i want to share this painting i saw on her website (laurelhollomanstudio.net):

in admiration of laurel's gift, i am listing her website under my bloglist (a passionate patience) - because her work is full of passion and patience and you guys just have to see the real deal.

laurel - if you ever stumble upon my blog, know that i only meant to show my readers something i thought was breathtakingly beautiful. and if you feel that i have trespassed you in any way, i'm happy to be your slave. and the best part is that my offer has no expiration date.

unfinished | sonnet three posted by imani , at 1:22 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the height measures the depth
the shadow measures the havoc
faith is left with nothing to
distinguish save the relentless

fragments seeping through
cracks and frames that i thought
was my own, arresting the vivid,
vicious cycle of coming after you

then running away, like time
diffusing within your hands
enveloping only nightmares

perishing in the dark,
listless, languishing laughter
of skies tainted by the lack of delight.

unfinished | sonnet two posted by imani , at 1:22 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the earth washed away now reveal
only brambles that hurt
flowers and flight have faded
and we fight for seconds

that offer synapses, moments
lost in midst, taking a step back
away from the fire, away from the
things that broke

my faith, from the hands that
caused my heart its bruises,
from the voices that scarred

what was left of my spirit,
from the ashes that gave birth
to an eternity of tears.

unfinished | sonnet one posted by imani , at 1:21 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the heart attempts to fathom
what has unraveled all these years,
the moments that held in it
thoughts, nuances, aches and dreams

then the soul begs to unfold, yet again
the stigma of blood and yearning
so it may begin to feel and understand
and discern and know

what it truly means to love
what it truly means to have faith
what it truly means to forgive

i go back to ceaseless beginnings
to wish for solitary midnights
i could just be the only one there.

things i love posted by imani , at 12:34 AM, in Labels: freefall

almost always, when i succumb to a hiatus and i come to my senses and initiate a post such as this one, i would begin by saying: "i am going back to the one thing i love." which is writing. which is sharing. which is discovering.

so allow me to introduce (again) my wife's 28th birthday gift for me - eros - a dual-core hp netbook. never mind the picture my wife took of me at 4 in the morning. i suppose what made the difference was when jona said she thought of giving me one because she knows i love to write, because she knows that if i have access to something like that, i would find a way to write something on my blog everyday.

though i really haven't written a lot for the better part of this year, i am grateful that i have someone who believes in the smallest capacity i hold when it came to writing. it has always been her belief in what i can do that pushed me to never stop writing or at least trying to write. whether it is something as random as this, or a sonnet or a love letter, she's always made it a point to appreciate what i have created.

i remember something though - before we took eros home, my wife cautioned me about one thing - never take work home. and i haven't. and i never will.

this is my shelf - and it was taken months back, i have more books now and my shelf - and most of the stuff i have inside my room now are pretty...disorganized. and even when i own about 250 books (or something to that effect), 50 of which i haven't read (that's a very rough estimate), i still keep buying books. i am unsure why, but there is this part of me that's satiated every time i buy myself a book. maybe i like the idea of filling a huge space (like this one), or the idea that when technology fails (www is unavailable for some reason), i can grab a good book and sit in a quiet corner and get my mind going.

jona has never attempted to get me a book, saying that i have myriad taste when it came to literature, but what i do like is the fact that when we spend time together, she'd read her school materials (my wife's an orthodontist) and i would be devouring whatever i could take from my library and we'd be talking to each other about what we have read or have been reading. it is a nice exercise and i love the idea that we could be interested in totally different things but we never fail to listen to what we both have to share.

a couple of days ago, i went to the sun cellular shop in mall of asia to get myself a broadband stick. i have been using a prepaid broadband stick (of another brand) and it was just a pain in the behind. it took forever to log in and it took forever to disconnect it. until i finally decided it's time i check other providers. so i did. jona and i had a scheduled cyber date that day and to both our surprise, the sun broadband kept our video real time for a consistent 3 hours. i had it bundled with my blackberry plan and for only php799 a month, i have unlimited internet access.

which is why i am here. which is why i am wide awake at 4 in the afternoon. which begs the next few lines -

thank you, my lifetime, for never ceasing to encourage me to write - whether it's for work or my own enjoyment. thank you, for enduring long coffee sessions with me so we can sit in front of each other and read what nourishes us and love every single second of it. lastly, thank you for always making it a point to meet in the middle with me. who would have thought that a fast and consistent internet connection is enough to make me giddy because we have a date and we can finally see each other again. i love you.