constant posted by imani , Tuesday, September 29, 2009 at 4:25 PM, in Labels: freefall

i know that for the most part, we are the ones who decide what to do with our lives. but there is also a part of me that believes the forks in the road happen and was placed there for a reason.

you told me that you thought there were three things that are constant in life - death, taxes and change. immediately after mentioning this, you went silent and confessed that you were wrong. because there is me.

that exact same night i found our ring. maybe the universe is telling me something...and i better stand still so i can listen.

perhaps the reality is that there are a lot of other things that are constant, only if we look for them in the right places.

top ten crazy ideas in the midst of a tropical storm posted by imani , Saturday, September 26, 2009 at 1:08 AM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

it is the first time this has ever happened. it's a hopeless case and it's a big gamble if i would try to move away...from my office building.

according to inquirer.net, tropical storm ondoy hit the eastern side of the islands saturday morning. and i could not agree more. my shift started at 1:00 am so i kinda saw the whole thingamajig unfold before my very eyes. it is now past 4:00 pm and where am i? i am still here.

i have polluted my lungs (with the help of my office buds) in the hopes that i can bide enough time to wait for the freakin rain to come to a halt and finally go home (because i need my bed). it is 6 hours beyond my shift and you bet i am wide awake. there is no hope here. not a spark, not an iota, no silver lining whatsoever. i just read that the south luzon expressway have been closed to traffic due to waist-deep floodwater. i thought to myself: that is nice. i live in the south. if the major roads are swamped, i can just imagine what our street looks like now.

i know we live in the tropics but today's weather will totally make a joke out of seattle, washington's. and because i am bored to my skull and i do not want to drive myself nuts (that actually would not be necessary because i am already insane), i have come up with ten things i would like to venture into since the rain just won't go away:

1. i have decided to spend the afternoon (and night) here at the office. if i attempt to go home, i probably won't be able to get here in time for my shift tonight. so while we're at it - let's have a slumber party!!!
2. get inebriated while inside the building. it is cold and the only protection i have from the cold is my old jacket. wahahaha.
3. invite my office buds to get inebriated with me, so if it comes to a point someone would find out about it, i won't be sanctioned alone. nyahaha.
4. think of happy thoughts - a comfortable bed, hot cocoa, tuyo't champorado. now the happy thoughts make me want to slit my wrist instead because i just cannot have them.
5. sing (on the top of my lungs): 'i'm only happy when it rains!'
6. or try to sing something a little more depressing: 'que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be.'
7. walk barefoot. since i do not have slippers. shite.
8. do a double shift. ahem. uh?! boss!? ring ring! don't cancel my call.
9. blog. well, i am already doing that now. yey!
10. when i get out of this building, i will hoard military ration. and stack them in my pedestal. note to self: do not forget to include toiletries.

i feel like me and my office buds are in a reality show, that we are part of some sick social experiment. or that this is just one freakin test of endurance. who will take a nap first?

top ten lines from a song posted by imani , Friday, September 25, 2009 at 10:51 PM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

once in a while you find a good song that just really leaves you...silent. sometimes i am drawn to a song because of the picture it paints in my head and sometimes it's because i 'relate' it to one particular moment i don't want to forget. i have always found my solace in music and in words which is why i am posting this. wehehe.

jimi hendrix said: 'next time, music is going to change the world.' i never doubted him.

1. “Fate up against your will” (The Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen)
2. “Deep within I am shaken by the violence of existing for only you” (Do what you have to do by Sarah McLachlan)
3. “I've even curved this body to fit your bow” (Cars and guitars by Tori Amos)
4. “I bared my soul you waltzed right in” (Naked by Tracy Bonham)
5. “You are my sweetest downfall” (Samson by Regina Spektor)
6. “Just take me into your body, I wanna be drunk, I wanna be high” (Carmen by Paula Cole)
7. “Waking from tormented sleep” (The weakness in me by Joan Armatrading)
8. Until then, I'll scream until I'm hollow, I'll carve it in my skin, save it for tomorrow. (Heart attack by Nerina Pallot)
9. “How do I get you alone?” (Alone by Heart)
10. “The beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost and it’s looking for a rhythm like you” (Making love out of nothing at all by Air Supply)

still | poem nineteen posted by imani , Thursday, September 24, 2009 at 12:42 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

you ahold of
my hand
will soon
be feeling
someone else’s
you covering
my body
with embraces
will soon
attempt to keep
someone else
warm
and that is
when i go back
to silence, to poetry,
to sacredness and
to myself.

still | poem twenty three posted by imani , at 12:41 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

your light
deftly blurs
the line
between myth
and reality
and here i am
standing and
whispering, hoping
and lingering
in a dream
meant not be
answered
my peace shattered
my resolve scattered
in the noise of
wind, the hush of
silence, the murmur
of things to come…
the cacophony of
apathy and the
dissonance of pain
all because of you.

pages posted by imani , Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 11:45 PM, in Labels: freefall

i have been meaning to write something about my most cherished possessions...unfortunately, i was too lazy to upload the pictures.

i am talking about my love affair with the written language. i was very young when i discovered my passion for reading, and i haven't stopped since.

about a month ago, i got myself a new bookshelf...well for a number of reasons:

1. my first bookshelf is a little old and cannot house all my books anymore and the weight of my books has taken its toll on the poor thing.
2. my unconsciousness continues to nag me. i once dreamt of my books walking out of my room.
3. my books need to breathe.
   
4. the worst thing about a room without air conditioning is that the pages turn yellow easily. grrrr.
   
5. i needed to get a new one for...well...more books. wahahah.

to date, i have about 230 books, 45 (a rough estimate) of which i haven't read. but i don't care really. i have been asked countless of times why i keep on getting books when i haven't really even opened some of them. plain and simple. i am bound to age and there will come a time when a 'fun night out' would mean spending a few hours in the porch reading books. so yeah...you can say i am preparing for when i become senile (nyahahah).

here are some of the photos that i took of my books and my new shelf:

i love this shot. it's always nice to have a new perspective on things.

that's my old shelf on the background. right now, it contains my music and video cds.

whoever said i have to go to the gym? the act of cleaning my books and shelf is enough for me to form biceps and triceps. ahahaha

my new shelf has more than enough space for all my books...plus 50 more. nice one!

calliope’s dance posted by imani , at 3:03 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

gathering the beads that define a moment, a you and me,
a serendipity, a scintilla of hope and a glimmer of faith
on a night lost in your mercurial light
my jaded fantasy and idle dream whispering

to the soul that manipulates gravity, the
seconds descending, hastening, spawning
a universe of words and tulips, brahms and
violins ~ hanging onto the elegant, elusive

carousel of seasons that neither begins nor ends
the unsaid love clinging onto the shining, immortal
silence of lips gently seeking and hands never touching

the voice of an undiscovered muse echoes through
this innocent flesh tangled in your inertia, the cacophony
forming a symphony, agitating, accelerating, illuminating.

top ten points to ponder posted by imani , at 2:59 PM, in Labels: imani's 'best list'

brewed coffee and sleeplessness gave birth to the following things everyone should consider:

1. Women are like bagels – they taste better when they’re hot.
2. You won’t know shite until it hits the fan
3. Men digress, they de-evolve, they aren’t pigs (the animal), they’re pork (the meat)
4. Your performance appraisal depends on your hemline.
5. It is a choice to be constantly…constantly evil.
6. Your peers tiptoe around you because they do not know you – because they are not privileged to.
7. What others consider genius actually just is bravado.
8. If you were single, I’d probably be straight.
9. I am not fazed by your gayness.
10. A man’s self-assurance is inversely proportional to his looks. Translation – if a guy is ugly, chances are he’d suppose he’s God’s greatest gift to women.

colorblind posted by imani , Saturday, September 19, 2009 at 3:03 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

the hues are shut from
the bruised, twisted prism
of your expectations
the vagueness throbbing
in the light of clarity
a brief, deep anguish
over shades that
define a moment
wretched
tormented
desperate
shattered
miserable
drowning in the
shapeless truth
of what we are not.

mirror posted by imani , at 3:02 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

your body thriving
in the reflection
you make of mine
the mirrors of your
faith and fate
disenchanted by
our wordlessness
the moments caught
in the web of your
dreams as you
descend in a slumber
the fragrant amaranth
that sleeps in your
hair ~ a colorful,
vivid memory of
everything i know
that is good ~
a delusion
ceasing to be.


for calliope

footfall posted by imani , at 3:02 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

nothing is left now
but the heavy, dreary,
neglected steps your
body makes upon my
earth, demanding
for my skin to stretch
and wrap itself upon
your lies and love
weaving desperation
and darkness within
the chained, chastised
dreams you whispered
to the wind
one heartbreak after
another, uncertain,
dazed, unsettled
grasping and breathing
the next few words
so i may remember
the bittersweet sound
of your heavy, dreary,
neglected footfall
fading away…
further from me.

darkness posted by imani , at 3:00 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

at the fortress of worthless
dreams, tracing the
steps you left behind
lured by the scent
of your disguised
belief
and summoned
to senselessness
by your absent faith
the fallen resurrects
to hunt for light
and make the darkness
bleed as another
sunset forgets how
it all began.

ally mcbeal posted by imani , Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 7:50 PM, in Labels: freefall

my idea of doing something 'productive' when i am off from work would be: (a) reading a book, (b) watching TV and (c) getting hammered. i don't get to drink so much these days so what i did last tuesday is get myself a set of (fake) ally mcbeal DVDs.

and since last tuesday i think i have watched at least 10 episodes...considering that i have a job that demands so much of my time and attention and given that ally mcbeal is a courtroom dramedy...i think i've done well in understanding the dialogues in each episode and laughing at the show's hysterical humor.

i started following the series when i was in high school. monette and i would even tape the episodes being aired on channel 9 every tuesday so we can see bits and pieces of it the entire week and talk about mcbealisms, fishisms and cageisms.

i think the show fueled the already hopeless incurable romantic in me. i never have denied that i always have felt like ally mcbeal personified - i mean she's a fictional character and if she'd ever really exist i 'think' i'd be her...or she'd be me. only that i am a lesbian and i won't really talk too much about getting over a guy or picturing myself getting married to one - but then again there is something so universal about ally mcbeal's language - love is love no matter what you think of it. love encompasses everything.

there's just so much about calista flockhart's bubbly, frivolous, vulnerable alter ego that speaks to me. and honestly, she still does. i was writing on my datebook yesterday and i mentioned there that the character makes me want to go back to writing. not poetry. but prose. you know maybe i can try the stream of consciousness technique because that is really how i think and how i am when i talk. pretty much like what i am doing right now.

what i can relate to more than anything - as far as the character ally is concerned - is the fact that she does not have any qualms about looking for and seeking love. come on, there really isn't a lot of people who still has the virtue of chivalry in them so you're probably going to end up waiting for nothing if you just sit in the corner instead of asking someone out.

yes it is true that searching for love would require taking risks - but what the hell - sooner than later you will realize that you cannot just fill your life with conjuctions (ifs, buts, howevers)...you have to start braving the storm. it is always calm after the storm (or if you are at the eye of the storm). you never lose by loving. you only lose by holding back.

i remember - i used to watch the show too much back in high school that i started to pick up some of her idiosyncrasies - for example - dancing like ally or worst - dancing like that little imaginary baby. que horror. despite the fact that reliving the 'ally moments' ultimately brought back memories (cannot avoid them), it's good to reminisce a part of my life that really did lead me to where i am now. if it wasn't for the opportunities that i grabbed or missed, i would not be where i am, and possibly, would have lied to myself and lived a life full of questions.

at least now i can say that i may not be perfectly happy (who wants to be perfectly happy, anyway? happiness is so overrated) but i know what it is like to have stood in front of a loaded gun, which sometimes meant being hit or being lucky enough to dodge the bullets. i know what it is like to seize the day like it is my last because i was and never will be daunted to take chances.

bound posted by imani , Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 4:33 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

thought i was bound to the road to nowhere...

and then you showed up.

slave posted by imani , Sunday, September 13, 2009 at 4:41 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

the once forgotten bittersweet
memory,
the solemn image of you
resurrected by the intense,
parched, arid
need to feel you beside me,
to touch the petals that enfold
your light and depth
stumbling, fumbling,
stirred by your stares
and by the secret language
of our dreams
haunted by the scent of
that fleeting, timid
kiss from your lips,
chained to the remembrance
of you reaching for me
in the quiet of the dawn
when my senses and delight
fall upon your delicate hands
shaping me,
enslaving me to
this sweet senselessness.



written 13 september 2009
7:42 pm - 7:53 pm
bag of beans, tagaytay
thanks to bess chai for the word :)

gathering... posted by imani , Saturday, September 12, 2009 at 8:18 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

taking you in every form you exist.

meeting in the middle posted by imani , Friday, September 11, 2009 at 3:05 PM, in Labels: something else

‘We finally caught up with each other…’

I spent a good part of my afternoon (yesterday) watching the TV. My eyes were tired but my brain was restless. So I reached for a DVD and watched ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ for the umpteenth time.

There is something about this movie that is just so engaging, enthralling, enchanting. It may be the story, the characters, the actors’ chemistry. Or maybe it is just me.

I suddenly remembered what it felt like – watching the film in the silver screen. Everything about it is just so magnanimous. It lasted two hours and forty-five minutes but the creators definitely were visionaries.

Some parts of the film made my eyes tear up (or perhaps I was just plain exhausted), including:

• The way Benjamin and Daisy embraced each other when the latter went back to New Orleans after recuperating from an accident.


• When they watched the sunrise together and Daisy tenderly said: ‘I promise not to lose myself to self-pity again.’


• Here’s another good scene: After Daisy’s return, they were sitting across each other. Daisy said: ‘You have not said two words.’ Whereas Benjamin, with his gaze anchored at her, quipped: ‘I don’t want to ruin anything.’


• When Benjamin took Daisy to her room and she closed the door behind them and all that you can hear was the lock clicking.


• The way Benjamin amorously said: ‘Absolutely.’ (Come on people, that scene is hard to forget)


• This line says it all: ‘Some things last.’


• The bittersweet moment when Benjamin was leaving his family and he left the money and the key on Daisy’s bedside table. Daisy was looking at him, trying to comprehend what he is doing and Benjamin looked at her, stunned and unable to say anything.

Here’s something that I wanted to share with you. This was the letter that Benjamin wrote for their daughter Caroline on her 13th birthday (if I am not mistaken):

‘For what it’s worth, it’s never too late or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There is no time limit. Stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best, darling.’

‘I hope you’d see things that stopped you. I hope that you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with different point of view. I hope you live a life you are proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.’

Written September 4, 2009

goody and kyla posted by imani , Wednesday, September 9, 2009 at 1:15 PM, in Labels: freefall

today, a good friend of mine - kyla - is getting married.

i am delighted that you have found your sigh and your smile, your dream and your reality, your soul and your ecstasy.

i wish the two of you love, patience, respect, magic, enthusiasm, happiness, hope and faith. and if all of that which i have mentioned fails and you find yourselves in a chasm of helplessness and confusion, i wish you forgiveness.

today i offer you this sonnet:

LXVI

I do not love you - except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into



the fire. I love you only because it's you
I love; I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you

blindly. Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true

calm. In this part of the story I am the one who dies,
the only one, and I will die of love
because I love you, because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.

words of wisdom?! posted by imani , Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 6:19 PM, in Labels: something else

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig tight and bull-strong.
Keeps skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink water upstream from the herd.
Good judgement comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgement.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody elses dog around.