eros the bittersweet

there is something wrong

with my blood. and my immune system. i seem to attract blood suckers more than i attract luck. bummer.

just last sunday, as i was enjoying a glass of coke and listening to music, my left leg began to itch. i did not mind it at first - or i tried not to mind it - until the itch felt like a seething ember under my skin and when i checked it, voila! there's a map on my leg:


i knew i was bitten by the ill-famed blood sucker - i don't exactly know which one it was, as i haven't thought of granting them their proper individual names, because i don't suppose i have met all of them. i have killed some of them and another close encounter is the last thing i am wishing for right now.

for the next few days, i experienced a subtle, burning feeling. i would scratch my skin every now and then, and especially when it was hot. that's odd. the hotter it was, the itchier the allergy became.

anyway, when i got home earlier and i changed to my house clothes, i noticed a group of small, red patches on the same leg that was bitten. and i counted the patches - there were 8 in total. and i am predicting that there were either 8 different tiny insects that bit me, or one big, selfish blood sucking culprit tried his luck to drink all the blood he could eight different times. having taken this photograph, i suddenly felt like a minute solar system has erupted from my leg:


unveiling alexios

as in the case of most things that i want in life, it took me months to get this one - finally - an external hard drive to keep eros free of the virtual and digital clutter i cannot just seem to let go of.

i got myself a samsung s2 portable hard drive, complete with a 3-year warranty from the date of purchase. it has 750 gb space and i did not realize just how immense such a storage is until i have moved all my files (sounds, movies, e-books) from my netbook and was prompted that i have consumed less than 10% of the total space. imagine that.


my journey began when i realized eros was getting crankier and crankier by the day, and so i scoured store after store, mall after mall, hoping to find a good enough deal - as it first seemed 'impractical' for me spend on a single thing that can neither take a picture nor play a song.

but one night i was strolling and i saw this cute little box sitting on the glass shelf - so i went inside and asked how much it was. apparently, for a little close to php 4,000.00, i can get a sleek and handy ehd.

true to what the box said and what the manual promised me, it is indeed very easy to use. with a quick install guide, the drive manager does the 'talking' to your laptop. it also features secretzone, which basically is a privacy software that allows you to create virtual drives to further encrypt personal files and data. the last time i checked the web for this brand, i was only able to see 4 capacities, the highest being 640 gb.

after much thought about what to name it, after considering at least five monickers - i have decided to call it 'alexios.' i figured, a greek name would be apt, since i call my netbook eros. alexios translates to 'defender' or 'protector.'


the device itself weighs less than half a pound and mine is called 'piano black.' what's cool about this is that it is compatible in both the mac and windows (7 or vista) operating system and should you need a different formatting, you can get a free software on the samsung website. it is usb powered and comes with its own cable. you also get a leather carrying case to sweeten the whole deal. when inside the pouch, it looks a lot like an oversized blackberry phone. hahaha!

needless to say, i am pimping my favorite toy, and for now i am certain that alexios rocks as expected.

what i have been up to

i have really been preoccupied the last few days, and though i want to write more, sleeplessness gets in the way. plus, i have a lunch/dinner date with my lifetime via skype daily - so that should keep my hands full for a few more months.

speaking of being busy - even the insects in our house are busy. i think it was a couple of weeks ago when i again fell victim to the bite of a bloodsucker. i actually am beginning to think i have served an entire clan a feast since i started getting bitten when we first moved in here. i immediately reached for my i.d. and took myself to manila sanitarium where they gave me my happy shot which rendered me lifeless and useless within minutes. when i woke up, i took a picture of my arm with the proof:


last month, i started to really like the walking dead and made an effort to stream at least one episode everyday until i finished the 2nd season - where they came back with 7 episodes before taking a 3-month mid-season hiatus. they will be back come february 12, 2012 with the rest of the 13 episodes meant for this season. when i started to watch the show, it scared the living sh*t out of me but as days went on, i got used to the gargled sound or unintelligible zombie talk. thanks to the adjustable volume. i usually turn the sounds down whenever i see walkers. lol!

i also have been taking more time to write something for my wife everyday - i promised her i will send her something each day that she and i are not in one place. and the more i write, the closer she will be coming home. it used to depress me big time but i am glad i am able to see things in a different light now. here's a shout out to you, mahal!

this week, i also got myself another esprit watch and this one rocks! i think i first saw it about half a year ago, and yes, it took me 6 freakin' months to actually get it. not that i had to make any life-altering decisions - the watch really looks awesome and extraordinary - i just wanted to have enough time to save up for it since it isn't urgent and important. so here's what could possibly be my christmas gift for myself looks like:


to date, i have three watches - all of which are from esprit. the reason i like their timepieces is because they do not look ordinary. they didn't have to have all those blings or be all dazzled up to catch attention, that's for sure. i got my first watch as a birthday gift for myself back in 2006 and then another one, as a holiday present for moi a couple of years ago. here's a picture of all my watches:


my next project is another esprit timepiece i saw in avenida - with a silver, bangle-like bracelet and a black, solid face and white dial. so i suppose i'm just gonna have to save up a little more and maybe i can get that for myself by early next year.

mommy dearest

since i started working, i make sure i get my mom something really special every december. it has actually become this unwritten tradition. each year i see to it that i get her queso de bola. and her reaction never fails. each time i hand her this huge blob of cheese she looks like an adorable little girl opening her a present on christmas morning.

my mom would always say that when she was pregnant with me, she would crave for this kind of cheese. and what she'd do when my dad buys one for her is to wrap it carefully in cloth or plastic and hide it in a kitchen cabinet. she'd sneak at night or early morning and relish eating it all by herself.

so last week when i came home after doing the groceries, i asked my mom to close her eyes. and to my surprise she just told me - "i know what that is, i asked for it telepathically." this retort made me laugh my head off. here's a picture of my mom with her cheese:


tomorrow, december 11th, marks my mom's 63rd birthday. so here's to you, mommy - thank you for all those years of unconditional love and countless sacrifices so you can raise your daughters to be who they are now. thank you that you chose to stay with us so we can all be together and learn to depend on and look after each other. i know that we have had our fair share of differences and misunderstandings, but i thank you for putting me in my place when it is necessary and for hearing my thoughts and allowing me to also try to 'enlighten' you. thank you that you are our mother, that you are my mother. i am who i am largely because of you, and your tough love. thank you for never ceasing to love me even when some of my decisions didn't make sense to you at first.

finally, thank you for embracing who i am now - there may be some things that are just a little too challenging to accept, but, i am grateful for each time you attempt to respect the choices i have made. i will always do my best to make sure i go through life without stepping on anyone's toes - just like what you taught us.

happy birthday, mommy. no amount of love, of compassion, of understanding can ever surmount that which you have given us. i love you.

today is about

prayers. praises. wishes.

today is about quietly holding my heart up against the notion and reality of a lifetime and realize that there is nothing that it will not endure, if it means loving you.

i take this moment to be grateful for every day that you love me - my light and my dark, my triumphs and failures. thank you for your relentless capacity to love me, to love even the things about me that render arguments and inconsistencies. i know that deep within, you will never just let me falter - i know that you would want to be there and offer your hand to me in case i stumble.

thank you for having journeyed through the last fifteen months with me. thank you for sticking with me even when i drive you crazy and i always sleep on you. thank you for delighting in the dreams we make for the family we would like to have - things like these keep me going and they do their part to keep me sane. thank you for never ceasing to wake up with me every day, in any means possible. thank you for never stopping to tell me how much you love me, and how much more of this you would want to go through so we can remain together.

and as i lit candles for us today, i praised Him for His plans, for His vision, for His love for us and the little family we wish to make. i praise Him for giving us the faith and strength to see each other through this path we tread on, and to make us both realize that we will never be bound to any road on our own. that even with this distance we can hold each other's hands and embrace one another should there be sandstorms or starless nights.

i never failed to believe that a love as unwavering and full as that of ours will can withstand and bear these things - they are minute compared to what we can discern and what we can continue to understand in one another.

and though some days are still a drag and there are instances i still could not prevent myself from crying because i miss your face so much, because i miss knowing you are close enough for an embrace - i just always remind myself that there couldn't possibly anything better than loving you, and knowing you are there giving back everything so we both would never feel empty.

we will sustain this and my heart lives under the light of your gaze, and it will give you what it can so you may never fear again, so you may never have to feel you will be on your own, in anything you wish to unravel. my heart will keep yours aflame and it will be sustained by the same passion, need, desire and fire and i trust that we can go through every single day without ever feeling that we will run out of dreams and wishes and hopes to offer.

every time i wake up to days like this - days that remind me how long we have been together, i smile furtively and feel so blessed that i have been allowed to love you all this time. and after realizing how certain i am in keeping you and loving you, i can only look at and wish for more days and years to be spent with you, more days and years to be offered up to you, more days and years to love you without regret or end.

levity

earlier, before she went to work and before i watched her wave goodbye to me and say i love you, i had a heartrending conversation with my lifetime.

and amidst the occasional crack in my voice and the tears in my eyes, i was humbled by the experience - and the reality - of one total surrender. i admitted that i fear so much. that i fear i wouldn't know what else to do should what we have fail or end or meet its demise.

and she knows her seeming limitless capacity to pacify me - she said: 'i will never leave you.' and reminded me how i have told her months ago, at the onset of our relationship that i promised to never allow her to live her life alone.

and i stand here, my heart ever so resolute, keeping the same vow - to give more and offer as much as i could of myself, so she may never have to question whether she deserves all that she has sowed. there couldn't be another direction to go, save toward giving more so we never would feel that something need be taken away from us.

i can no longer imagine not having to share each waking second with her, not having to consider her when i become too conscious of my own breathing - convinced that i am able to do that still, after all those years i have suffered battling my own demons and misery - all because she is with me.

i have told a friend that when we are old and gray, what matters is finding someone you can sit down with under the parasol, someone you can talk to for hours and laugh with, someone you would want to read all the poems you have ever written to. that it is the conversations that allow us the most delicate of insights in another person's life. especially a conversation that happens even in the silence of both your souls.

conversations and arguments. suddenly the one person you are constantly at war with, the one you fight with and break hearts with has become the only one you would want to go through all that with. it matters that we find such a love - the kind that would be enough to make us remember the effort it took for us to get to this part of our journey. and suddenly, the one we cannot be with has become the one we can no longer be without.

and the one we fear losing ourselves to has become the one who will ultimately save us from the nagging, constant fear of ending up alone. i hope we all find such a person, such a love, such a lifetime. a lifetime built upon faith and mistakes being mended. a lifetime filled with ardor and passion and endless fire. a lifetime of chances and gifts and blessings.

a lifetime that gets us so high, we forget about our frailties and we are left with but one gaping void within us - the kind that can only be filled by her love.

silence

the other day, as i finished doing groceries, i decided to get myself a cup of coffee and just watch people come and go. i sat at starbucks in moa for a good hour or so. i didn't want to move. i didn't want to do anything else. i didn't even want to think.

i just wanted to have silence sink in my thoughts and plague my mind with it this time. which is odd. as i usually am the kind who would always 'think' no matter what. it was new, it was refreshing. it was surprising that i have allowed myself such silence. i just wanted to check whether i can still allow myself to be still and quiet - when everything and everybody else - seemed to be in a rush, seemed to be in constant movement.

and in my silence i craved for one voice - yours. in my silence i was all the more convinced i could give everything up save you, save what we have built and what we have created. at the end of it all, i just wanted to be alone with you. i just wanted to feel you close to me again and be held by you and be told that you are hanging on to us regardless of what has been said or done.

i realized i was not in it for the silence. i realized i meant to be still and voiceless so i can hear nothing and nobody else but you. and i was content with that notion, i was happy to have realized that silence would mean being closer to you. that silence would mean finding you again, finding us, finding the things that we long have fought the world for.


i never meant to be such a difficult person, i never meant to make you feel that you are not being heard or that you will not be understood. i really only waited for that clarion call. and true enough - in the silence of silences - i found myself wanting you deeply. i found myself loving you ever more - for the things that you hold for me, for the things you believe in, for the things that brought you and i this far.

and i know we have a lifetime to learn and discover a lot of other truths about each other. for now, i am simply grateful that amidst pain and fury i am still able to discern what truly is important for me - you, this, us.

so let me keep you warm and share this cup of coffee with you. you know that ever since you i never looked at coffee the same way again. it is one of those things that really brought you and i closer. and i am glad to have overcome my overindulgent self (when it came to drinking alcohol) - as i have always told you, you did save me. you have saved me from a lot of things - including myself - all because we started to hang out more and i suddenly have that one person who'd listen to me rant and it felt like coffee sufficed. until such time i stopped craving for tequila or gin.

so hear me, when i say, that even in silence i meet with you at crossroads we vowed to see each other. hear me when i say that even in silence i am enveloped by the love you hold for me and the belief that we are never going to be alone in loving. that we will always have each other, no matter what, no matter how painful things get...we will resurface with much more love to feel for one another.

if there is anything i ask of you right now - it is to give me a chance, as many chances as you could - to prove you what we have is worth a shot, and it will always be worth something. please do not stop loving us. please do not stop falling in love with me - even when i am stubborn and i can be childish and a challenge at times. let us give each other a reason everyday to never stop trying.

a lifetime

i have just started another adventure, treading on probably the same path only with a new pair of eyes - this i offer to my wife, my best friend, my lifetime - jona.

when i cannot seem to remember anything but my shortcomings, you remind me just how keen i am to learn. when i cannot seem to think of anything but things i cannot ever gain, you remind me that there is much to endure but i will eventually get to where i want to be. when i cannot seem to imagine anything but pain, you remind me how far we both have gone to feel this happy.

this is just the beginning. i offer you all the steps i will take to bring you closer, to bring you back, to bring you and i together in the end. i offer you...

a lifetime of desire.

more


despite what seemed to be endless hits and misses, when we both would feel that nobody learns from anything, when we would deem that there couldn't be anything more overwhelming than a war of words that last for hours - i realized i want more.

i want more time with you, regardless if we are arguing or if we are too saccharine that ants seem to find their way across these pages. i want more sunrises and sunsets with you - but i tell you this, the best view remains to be what these eyes behold when the sky is too pale or too dark. i want more days with you when i can just hold your hand or embrace you - when something as simple as tucking your hair behind your ear would have sufficed anytime of the day.

and i want more of you. i know i never will stop wanting and needing you. i no longer fear this notion - of having to care for someone more than i could ever care for myself - just because i believe in us and just because i trust you and in both our capacity to take this as far as our dreams will take us.

and because of this i know i will never stop writing. the more i write the sooner you're coming home to me. it feels like that now. i no longer wallow in loneliness thinking or counting the days ahead, instead i wait patiently and write about you and bask in every possible incarnation of what we have. it matters not how your image and voice was conjured, the only thing that holds meaning is the fact that i love you and you belong with me.

aftermath

i argue with my own thoughts - on what i could have missed to make you feel that you fuel everything that urges me to write. ever since the onset of this being we call 'us.' actually, this has been the truth long before we even began.

and after ages of tears and hurt and misunderstanding, i stand here, ready to prove you the inevitable and plausible. there hasn't been any other truth in my life, save you.

though i know i have disappointed one time too many, here is what i offer - an aftermath of failure - which is the certainty to be with you, to show you that i can learn, to show you that i will try my hardest every day to be worthy of the love you have given me.

to be worthy of the things you have revealed only to me. i know that we have histories to overcome and a different set of truths - as we have existed before this lifetime - but it never will negate the truths we will discover together, long as we keep treading the same path and as long as we decide to remain in this.

we are in the middle of a fire and i will not let go of your hand. i will endure all these with you, even when some have lost its meaning and some just feel futile. as long as you allow me to be with you i will never stop trying to be better. so i hope you never will tire of being patient and forgiving.

and we both never will stop loving, or believing in the love we hold for each other, even when things are too painful to comprehend sometimes. everything is a choice - to linger, to remain, to withstand. and we wrestle with that option - to walk away or to stay. and when i long have accepted i fall short on so many other things, i have always been resolute in loving you and taking care of you. i always have been desirous in giving all i could to be with you for a lifetime.

i no longer surprise myself, when each and every time i feel like i have stumbled upon what seemed to be an impasse, i find more and more reason to keep pushing and loving you all the more. because with you i know i can never be empty.

waves that rest on your shore

i know that it gets redundant sometimes when we argue and we kiss and make up only to argue again.

but love, please believe that my heart desires nothing but to hold your hand and kiss your face even when we are in the midst of a battle (if you’d want to call it that).

and earlier i just realized how a glance or a smile can turn the bloodiest of conversations into…nothing that matters more than what we have for each other – a love that is grounded in faith and one that is unshakeable.

thank you for never ceasing to catch me when i fall into the pit of silence. it is because of you that i intend to mend every second of every minute lost because of things we did not clear out.

it is because of you that i intend to square my shoulders to the rest of the world because i know that we are worth it and so much more. i am standing against the current – of all those who does not believe in us or would not attempt to understand what we have. and i gain the fortitude to do that from the one light that has never stopped beaming – you.

i love you.


note: i found this as a draft in my e-mail, written early august of 2010. i suppose i was 'dreaming' that my pseudo-arguments with you meant something more.

that first cup

it is that time of the year again - when this particular coffee company manages to create a craze - all for a posh but i would have to say pretty useful planner. yes, i am talking about starbucks. and it happens to be home to my favorite iced tall mocha (or short, no foam latte or venti strawberry frappuccino, depending on my mood or on the occasion).

they used to have another blend which i really, really favored - it was mango tea frappuccino - and i remember i would sit with my best friend at our favorite branch (in manila pavilion, united nations avenue) talking about anything and everything and loving how it gave me this fruit salad-like aftertaste and stopped getting monette the same thing when she had tummy ache after drinking it. that branch no longer exists and has since been replaced by another store, mrs. fields.

every year, sometimes they start late october or early november, people would begin to crowd every imaginable starbucks branch within three miles of my radar in pursuit of such a planner - which usually comes with posh, little mementos, like a pencil or a pen with the name 'starbucks' etched on it. but what i really love best would be the coupons that give its most loyal partisans discounts on coffee and other freebies, which of course, still relates to coffee.

they say that going to their shop and getting that cup of coffee - done however you want it - is a tradition, and i won't beg to differ. it also has become a lifestyle. it is insane how their coffee (depending on the size and blend) would cost more than two kilograms of rice and a decent viand here in the philippines - but what can you do - people, to some point, and yes it does include me, work their ass off so at the end of the week or during payday, we can all go out and treat ourselves to a nice cuppa joe.

that is if you have been sober and if going to bars isn't really your scene. yes, i was pertaining to myself when i made that note. i haven't been drinking for a little over a year (thanks to my wife) and i never was a big fan of crowded bars where there is nothing to find but faceless strangers making out and clouds upon clouds of smoke. i, myself smoke and i have been trying to cut on the ciggies so i won't exactly be helping myself if i hang out in a place where i would die sooner because of second hand smoking and not because of my own vice.

yesterday, in the company of two close friends, we sought and found comfort in starbucks moa. i got myself a tall toffee nut latte (which happens to be my favorite holiday blend). i was excited but was suddenly confronted by the challenging need to decide - on whether or not i should give into buying a frappuccino instead. i succumbed to getting a warm (that adjective was actually an understatement - my coffee was scalding) cup instead, due to the weather.

so year after year, no matter how mad their coffee costs, i still line up and feel excited to fill this holiday card so after twenty or so cups, i can get the planner. there was a time when, i think two or three years ago, i was able to fill out three cards all on my own - the other two i ended up giving to my sister and cousin as christmas presents.

i did try 'liking' their peppermint mocha blend which tasted like cocoa with mouthwash, so i stopped after asking for it twice. outside of their usual holiday mania, i usually go to starbucks to sit and listen to music and write every week, that is if i have enough sleep or enough energy to even pick myself up from my bed. when i stopped drinking alcohol, i sought a different addiction - coffee - which has been reported to contain a good dose of antioxidants which help prevent cancer and heart disease. and i find that last bit odd because a shot or two of espresso is actually enough to make a medium-built person palpitate.

coffee always have been part of my daily routine. though there would be days when chugging a bottle of energy drink would suffice to keep me awake, i don't suppose i have actually lasted a day without fixing myself coffee. i drink more coffee than water, which drives my wife crazy (and maybe it does the same to my bladder), i am hooked to it that i am already thinking of starting a campaign to make my birthday an official holiday in brazil. or maybe i can just go to japan every october 1st and be honored for being an aficionado.

what a woman needs

a few days back, when i took a 2-day hiatus from work, i wanted to preoccupy myself. and i thought - what better way to do that but to clean my room. or a part of it. actually, half of it. i don't have a picture of what it looked like then, but here's what it looks like now:


since my wife left, i hardly found the time (because i often stay at their house during my rest days) and energy (because i am overwhelmed by the sudden feeling of emptiness) to clean it. so yeah, for about three months i was infected by a serious lethargy strain - i watched my shelf gather dust, i saw my books choke (they have feelings too and anything can happen), i let my study table hold anything and everything - clothes piled up, stuffed toys sat on the clothes that were piling up, papers, documents, bills, payslips, magazines. name it. just not work stuff. i try my best never to take work stuff home. if i do, i would soon forget about it and it would rot inside my bag until it's time that i come back to work.

i don't know what it was, maybe it was jona's ceaseless request that i fix my room or maybe my body felt like it needed to sanitize what it is surrounded with. i cleaned my room around 10 o'clock in the evening and the marathon lasted until 5. crazy body clock. before that, i went to the mall to get myself a few things (or armor, or ammunition, whichever applies) before i start cleaning my space. it wasn't until i stayed up all night to throw away years and years of mementos and things i have kept for reasons i can no longer remember - from old mags to newspaper cutouts, receipts (for some of my books), paper bags from bookstores, empty perfume bottles to one year's worth of chapticks (that translates to 24 pieces) - that i realized the following are truly essential in keeping things organized:
  1. boxes - a lot of them. also get one or two with partitions
  2. a new pair of scissors
  3. a very sharp cutter
  4. cleaning cloth
  5. air refreshner (i highly suggest febreze)
  6. a mask (to make sure you're prepared to dust what needs to be dusted)
  7. garbage bags (i was looking for a medium-sized bag but all the lady could give me was the industrial-sized ones)
  8. surface disinfectants (glade's a good choice)
  9. cable ties (i love them cable ties)
  10. coffee and sanity
that afternoon, i woke up with my muscles killing me. but i'm all okay now. what's surprising is that i didn't realize i had that much space in my study table. i put all that i don't always need access to in boxes and tucked them under the study table. since i have cleaned my room up, my next project is to add a few things here and there - i am thinking of going back to watercolor painting again or doing something different to my favorite pictures of my wife and myself and hang them in my room. i also have my eyes on this nice little lamp i can put on top of my table - to make my room more conducive to writing, exploring my own creativity and keeping my 'alone' time with my wife hassle-free with proper lighting.

permutations

i come home to the emptiness of my room and the silence of my voice. and inside my head, even my thoughts are warring.

i remember each and every time we cry because we fail to comprehend. each time we succumb to raising voices because we are threatened we are no longer being heard. each time we are demolished by our own scarring words because we thought there could never be another way to say them.

when this happens, i take a step back. i take an inward journey to find out what really signifies living for me. and when i do question my heart of hearts, i am maimed and dissembled, even daunted by one reality - something that you neglect to recognize when you are high on your own madness.

that this soul has bared everything it was and will ever be - for the love of you. it knows no more secrets to keep, no more boundaries to protect, no more truths to be ashamed of. it only realizes that it needs you - that you have become even more necessary than the very air it breathes. that it will break and bend over and over and mend itself right in front of you - to show you that it will stop at nothing, if it means loving you and feeling your love one more day.

this love will fight the shadows and doubts of your own heart. it will attempt everything it can to open your eyes to what you cannot see before. it will attempt to give beginnings to permutations of desire, of hope, of yearning - of all the things that make this history, this life, consequential.

even when we drive each other to a heedless quiet, the atmosphere tainted by the unending conundrum of the battle we will not stop waging, i can only wish that you never forget this: that at the end of it all, even when you think things could be easy, they are not. and even when they are not easy, know that i am not after conveniences. i am after loving you. know that what we have never thrived because of tolerance, but because we feed it our understanding. know that the love we share is bigger than our own happiness or our own sadness.

most of all, discern this - that i have never stopped wanting to come home to the quiet of my thoughts because that is where i meet you, that is where i find you, that is where i am all the more reminded not to be afraid to come home to loneliness, because i never will be lonely. because you never left my thoughts, because you never left me. and because i am holding on to every bit of you and me - every bit of that moment you said i never will be alone again.

all i know is that i love you. all i know is that i do not have the right to question why such love does not run out of reasons to keep burning or keep sustaining itself. all i know is that even when i lack in some, if not most things, i will try my hardest to be deserving of you. please do not stop crossing new paths with me or discovering gentleness and desire amidst arguments. be the splendor in my nights as i be the light in your darkness. all i want is that you hang on because you know you will never lose, and that you love because you know you will never be empty.

of odds and ends

i sit alone under one of the parasols in my favorite coffee house. i am biding time, waiting for when i can take eros to the service center to get him fixed. the mall radio is playing a 'milder' rendition of 'feliz navidad,' - the guitar humming in the background and luckily, it's an instrumental.

while i am sipping my favorite blend, i thought - why not afford myself this time to write about something that may be so familiar but emphatically the most important thing in my life right this moment.

today marks our fourteenth month.

today marks the fourteen months i have been basking in my lifetime's love and light - though some days were blighted with 'misunderstandings,' what i appreciate is that my wife and i never allowed a day to end without seeing eye to eye and gazing toward the same direction - reconnecting with the dreams we have conjured and its realities, which, for the longest time, we both have been seeking.

they say we deal with the cards we are given, whilst others have made it a point to underscore that the house always wins. it is true that there are elements we cannot avoid, that there are things we both have to face to deepen what we share, and in that sense, we deal with whatever life throws our way. however, after everything has been said and done, it is how we act that defines a moment. that it is the manner in which we continue to bear the weight of who we are and what we have between us that determines which instance would matter or not. and it is not significant who wins and who loses. the question always is - what can we take away from an experience?

and even after all the laughters laughed or the tears shed - everything counts between you and me. everything. i would not leave anything out only to make what we have appear saccharine or perfect. i do not need a perfect situation. i do not need a perfect relationship. what i do need is someone imperfect who so perfectly stays with me until the dust has settled - someone who would hold my hand and say i love you, even in the middle of an argument - because there is a love to be saved and a lot still to hope for.

and i have been blessed with that. i have been blessed with someone like you.

and who would have thought i deserved a love like yours, who would have thought i can be part of something greater than what i have made for myself. up to this time, i ask myself that question. and i don't have an answer. except that, maybe, even when i am flawed, i never tire of trying again and again.

that you, ahold of my hand now, tells me even in silence that i can learn. that you will be there to help me differentiate (even more) the right from the wrong. that you will be there to discover the universes left for us to understand. there is still a lot to be done and a lot to be said and learned, but i will be as unwavering as i always have - in your faith in us, in my faith in myself.

i honestly never felt, for once, that we would cave in. that we would sit and watch what we have meet its demise. all because every time we are in the height of what seemed to be too implausible to discern, i am reminded of how we both waited for the right moment - how we both waited for each other. how we both took an endless halt until we find an unmarred instant we can both make sense of whatever it is we have been keeping for each other.

and today - just like all the days we have spent together, all the days we have been together, i begin to see what little i know of who you are and the passion that drives you and begin to understand that i could not possibly let my fear get in the way. you bet i will be with you until the end that we will never see.

you can bet that i will be with you to understand all that makes you the fumbling, sweet, beautiful being you always have been. so please, please, let me embrace you through all these. let me love you the best way i can, all with the notion that i can still do so much to love you more than i am doing now.

do not stop falling in love with us. do not stop meeting with me in the middle. do not stop letting me know when i fall short or when i do not see the things that you are seeing. do not stop needing to see me at the start and end of each day that passes. do not blink at the slightest conundrum. you know i will listen. you know i will say what needs to be said. you know i will remain. do not stop loving me the way you do. do not stop for us.

i love you with all i have and i am loving you with all the hope and courage i could muster. because you deserve it and there could never be any other way to make you feel that we will last and you will never ever have to be alone.

broken glass

i always have had a penchant for collecting things that an average human being wouldn't bother much about - books (usually of the same author), movies (same actors that i really like), fountain pens (i used to own 3, now am only able to keep one - i remember giving my hello kitty pen (a real, functional, ink-hungry pen) to one of my favorite college professors and the other one i lost when i was in college, it was handed to me as a gift when i graduated from high school), watches (i have two precious esprit watches and am planning to add more).

early this year, jona convinced me to get my eyes checked - am used to proudly telling people that i have 20-20 vision, given my unhealthy reading habits. so one day last february, we went to quiapo to get the deed done. turned out that i no longer have perfect vision. instead, i was told by the optometrist that i am nearsighted and both my eyes have a grade of 25. not bad for someone who's spent most of her life with her face stuck on books (or television - but mostly books).

i have to admit that i tried to cheat when it came to reading the snellen chart. which was a total bummer because if that was what i really wanted to do, i should have memorized all the letters on the freakin chart but i didn't. ha! so after pretending that i could see everything, i surrendered, i succumbed. the doctor told me not to force it and just like what my wife would say - it's better to have glasses on since i spend most of my work on the computer.

in a matter of 4 months, i managed to have 3 pairs of spectacles done. i suppose it's the obsessive-compulsive in me. i initially wanted to get frames to match the clothes i'd usually wear, which shouldn't at all be difficult because majority of what i have are in black. here's a picture of my wife and i after our first trip to the optometrist:


i know what you would say. what stands out is not our brand new glasses but the color of the shirts we were wearing. i feel like my wife looks like cotton candy and i look like banana chips. haha! it beats me that it took me a long while to get used to wearing glasses - and it is not like my life depends on it. for pete's sake, my nephews' (botchok's and dunstan's) glasses are thicker than mine, with the latter practically blind without it.

jona actually got me my first pair. after a few weeks, we went back and i got another pair made. here's a picture of them with some of my books:


before my wife left, we had another pair made (she had to get an extra pair in case the other one would break and i only felt like having to get another pair, not out of necessity, but out of the fact that the red frames were really cute and i thought it would match my favorite fake, red converse sneakers). and the frames were pretty cheap. so yesterday, as i was doing my morning routine (drinking coffee, checking my blog, reading the news on the net), i went downstairs to get myself my caffeine fix and as i was removing my red glasses so i could fix my hair, it broke. the subject for today's post is not a metaphor for anything, apparently.

my dear mom tried to salvage the poor glasses. she came to the rescue, having found a bonding agent (this is the most apt name, but sure, you can call it 'mighty bond') in less than five minutes after i told her that the left temple broke in two.

then my mom gave me the saddest news - it can no longer be fixed. when i told my wife about the news, she laughed and told me it's time to let it go. we got it for roughly around php 600, frames included. i always have had trouble letting things be. i kept it and has since found its way back to the plastic case it came with.

i am bent on taking it to quiapo within the next few days, with the hope that i can get the same frame and just use the lenses. talk about being a cheapskate.

let me take that back

my lifetime and i have been on video chat for the better part of this morning. you see, we have a 5-hour difference between us, but what's amazing is that we are tireless in finding time to be 'together,' which i know is crucial, in all sense of the word.

around 9:00 o'clock earlier, she gave me the heads up that she's sleepy and i told her to head to slumber and that i will be right here looking at her and will maybe do some writing. given the narcoleptic that i am, it took less than 10 minutes for me to doze off and sleep 'beside' her. i woke up less than an hour ago and i was staring at the last few posts on this blog and was hit in the face by something.

jona 'did' give me a book. so sorry about that. i was looking at my shelf and i suddenly remembered that my wife handed me an edition of anne rice' 'the claiming of sleeping beauty' a few months ago. i know it was something she got from e-bay and i actually lost my copy about two or three years ago. it was published by plume, an imprint of the dutton signet publishing house.


i think i have told her about losing this book because of my stupidity once, and i understand that it took effort to look for a copy just like the one she handed to me. and as i have said, she doesn't really pick books for me because i like reading all different sorts of literature, however, i do know that my passion for reading is enough for my wife to remember the ones that i do like.

there was this time when i told jona why i started building my own little library - i said that it's in preparation for influencing our child when we do adopt. i want to make sure that rohan would have access to these materials - books i didn't have the chance to read when i was growing up because back then my family didn't have much and i usually get them as present from my ate mater during birthdays and christmases.

i mean, i know that reading anne rice is not for the faint of heart. what i do want to develop in our child is the appreciation for the written language. jona and i would kid about giving rohan a huge trouble - we'd imagine that in a few years, we would see her staring at this huge bookshelf - half of which would have medical books, and the other half, the stuff that i would usually read.


i told my wife that it does not matter what course or path our daughter would like to take on when she grows up. what counts is that she gets as educated as she could - that she would keep an open mind about anything and everything. that books are there for her imagination and consideration - and possibly, they are there too for her to pursue.

so yes, mahal - i slowly have dealt with the idea that rohan might have an inclination in the medical field just like her mom. and i don't suppose there's anything better than that. she could be a dentist and still love pablo neruda, or for this matter, get engrossed in the sleeping beauty tales as written by a.n. roquelaure.

finally

after what seemed to be an endless wait, my wife finally called. i have been 'trying' to keep myself busy all day, knowing she's somewhere else and probably tired from work and is sleeping. i have thought of giving her a call but i did not want to spoil her rest. so i waited. and waited. and blogged in between. and waited some more.

a few minutes ago i heard her voice and it was a relief. to know that even when we have this distance between us, that even when we live in two different continents, we ache for and seek one another - whether at the onset or at the end of both our days.

the time difference takes its toll sometimes but we seem to have formed this unwritten and unspoken habit of being awake when the other one is, of sleeping beside each other (yes, we do find time frames when that can be done), we even eat and say our prayers with each other. there has never been a day that i didn't find her there waiting for me too.

i have learned not to count the days she has been away. instead i count down to the days we will see each other again - the days ahead of us when we will never have to be apart. i know we never really have been without each other. it is because of her i am breathing again, and it is because of her i am risking everything so i can be this resolute, so i can be this certain. because she deserves nothing less than who i am and all that i can offer.

a discovery

okay, obviously, i couldn't sleep. and obviously, working at night has messed up my body clock. not messed up, erase that. working at night has ruined my body clock and i am still here.

and this next thing i am to talk about - i suppose i have heard of this or read about it one point or another in the last 5 or so years, but i only saw it for myself today.

laurel holloman, who plays tina kennard in the celebrated showtime lesbian drama the l word, is a painter. a freakin painter. with freakin i mean undeniably talented. true that laurel is one hell of an actor herself but she has totally given the word 'creative' an entirely new meaning. i am just in awe of this woman's talent.

i've made one awesome discovery for today - and i want to share this painting i saw on her website (laurelhollomanstudio.net):


in admiration of laurel's gift, i am listing her website under my bloglist (a passionate patience) - because her work is full of passion and patience and you guys just have to see the real deal.

laurel - if you ever stumble upon my blog, know that i only meant to show my readers something i thought was breathtakingly beautiful. and if you feel that i have trespassed you in any way, i'm happy to be your slave. and the best part is that my offer has no expiration date.

unfinished | sonnet three

the height measures the depth
the shadow measures the havoc
faith is left with nothing to
distinguish save the relentless

fragments seeping through
cracks and frames that i thought
was my own, arresting the vivid,
vicious cycle of coming after you

then running away, like time
diffusing within your hands
enveloping only nightmares

perishing in the dark,
listless, languishing laughter
of skies tainted by the lack of delight.

unfinished | sonnet two

the earth washed away now reveal
only brambles that hurt
flowers and flight have faded
and we fight for seconds

that offer synapses, moments
lost in midst, taking a step back
away from the fire, away from the
things that broke

my faith, from the hands that
caused my heart its bruises,
from the voices that scarred

what was left of my spirit,
from the ashes that gave birth
to an eternity of tears.

unfinished | sonnet one

the heart attempts to fathom
what has unraveled all these years,
the moments that held in it
thoughts, nuances, aches and dreams

then the soul begs to unfold, yet again
the stigma of blood and yearning
so it may begin to feel and understand
and discern and know

what it truly means to love
what it truly means to have faith
what it truly means to forgive

i go back to ceaseless beginnings
to wish for solitary midnights
i could just be the only one there.

things i love

almost always, when i succumb to a hiatus and i come to my senses and initiate a post such as this one, i would begin by saying: "i am going back to the one thing i love." which is writing. which is sharing. which is discovering.

so allow me to introduce (again) my wife's 28th birthday gift for me - eros - a dual-core hp netbook. never mind the picture my wife took of me at 4 in the morning. i suppose what made the difference was when jona said she thought of giving me one because she knows i love to write, because she knows that if i have access to something like that, i would find a way to write something on my blog everyday.

though i really haven't written a lot for the better part of this year, i am grateful that i have someone who believes in the smallest capacity i hold when it came to writing. it has always been her belief in what i can do that pushed me to never stop writing or at least trying to write. whether it is something as random as this, or a sonnet or a love letter, she's always made it a point to appreciate what i have created.

i remember something though - before we took eros home, my wife cautioned me about one thing - never take work home. and i haven't. and i never will.


this is my shelf - and it was taken months back, i have more books now and my shelf - and most of the stuff i have inside my room now are pretty...disorganized. and even when i own about 250 books (or something to that effect), 50 of which i haven't read (that's a very rough estimate), i still keep buying books. i am unsure why, but there is this part of me that's satiated every time i buy myself a book. maybe i like the idea of filling a huge space (like this one), or the idea that when technology fails (www is unavailable for some reason), i can grab a good book and sit in a quiet corner and get my mind going.

jona has never attempted to get me a book, saying that i have myriad taste when it came to literature, but what i do like is the fact that when we spend time together, she'd read her school materials (my wife's an orthodontist) and i would be devouring whatever i could take from my library and we'd be talking to each other about what we have read or have been reading. it is a nice exercise and i love the idea that we could be interested in totally different things but we never fail to listen to what we both have to share.

a couple of days ago, i went to the sun cellular shop in mall of asia to get myself a broadband stick. i have been using a prepaid broadband stick (of another brand) and it was just a pain in the behind. it took forever to log in and it took forever to disconnect it. until i finally decided it's time i check other providers. so i did. jona and i had a scheduled cyber date that day and to both our surprise, the sun broadband kept our video real time for a consistent 3 hours. i had it bundled with my blackberry plan and for only php799 a month, i have unlimited internet access.

which is why i am here. which is why i am wide awake at 4 in the afternoon. which begs the next few lines -

thank you, my lifetime, for never ceasing to encourage me to write - whether it's for work or my own enjoyment. thank you, for enduring long coffee sessions with me so we can sit in front of each other and read what nourishes us and love every single second of it. lastly, thank you for always making it a point to meet in the middle with me. who would have thought that a fast and consistent internet connection is enough to make me giddy because we have a date and we can finally see each other again. i love you.

you make me the happiest

my lifetime - i offer you nothing less than who i am and all that i will ever be.






eleven prayers

I pray that you are safe wherever you are. That He guides your heart to do what is right and that He leads you to the road where you found and left me. May you gather your strength to last every day believing that He will put us right back on the path where we met and have existed for so long, holding each other’s hands and seeing our dreams in each other’s eyes.

I pray that you find the courage to believe in our love and what we can and will do to sustain it. That you will believe once again in your capacity to endure greater things for us both. I always say that you shouldn’t ask for something you cannot give. I am asking for you to anchor your heart to mine for the rest of your life because that is what I will do, because that is what I have done from day one.

I pray that you see through the days without doubting that time will keep our hearts apart. You have become this stern and unwavering truth in my life and I hold on to you and to us every single day there is. Believe that all my hours are imbued with a desire which I cannot contain, a desire that spill over thoughts of wanting to hold nobody else but you for the rest of my life.

I pray that you will never lose sight of your own magic and energy. That you will never lose sight of your own light. The same magic, tenacity and light leads my heart out of dark nights and into a life, a dream, a future filled with so much love and hope. All these that I hold now are for you and you alone.

I pray that you will remain to be the person I have come to love and appreciate. Though change is inevitable, I want for you to know that my heart will continue to see all the beauty and grace that is in you, all the wonder and kindness that is you. Long as we are looking at the same direction, the same path, the same future, we will be each other’s constant and touchstone. The changes will only merit new discoveries for us both – they will give us something else to value in each other.

I pray that you know you are my compass. And even if it’s too grand of an idea, I hope you find it in your heart to believe in all the words and promises I have uttered. You steer my course to something brighter, something more hopeful. You lead my heart to a lifetime full of fire and passion. A life full of both dreams and realities.

I pray that you never stop believing in your gifts, that you never stop doing what you are passionate about – because only when you have loved yourself enough that you can sustain giving love to another. I will strive to do the same thing while we have all these ahead of us. If there is anything you have taught me, it is to look after myself and see the importance of following what makes me happy. But let me tell you this – in the end, you have also made me realize that the more I love myself, the more I am leaning to you, and the light you cast in my life. I am going to give it all back to you every day.

I pray that you continue to witness all the goodness you have in your life. The roads that forked and hurt us led us exactly where we found each other. Let us bless all those times we weren’t with each other – because they certainly made the waiting worth it and since you and I, there has not been a day empty of a surprise. I bless the moment I saw you in a different light, that moment I thought to myself: “If I could only love her and make her feel how much of myself I can offer.” I bless the moment you held me close to kiss me and said you love me. I bless the courage you took to be with me, and the faith I offered up to be who I am and who I always have been to you and for you – your best friend, your wife, your lifetime.

I pray that you will always hold my words within your heart. You are my muse and you are the cistern of my thoughts – and I intend living the rest of my life filling such space with love and desire and intensity and delight – until the day comes you will never feel you have to empty yourself in order to give. Remember you always have more than enough to give. I am flawed and imperfect and I have quirks that drive you insane – but I know one thing – that I can give you a lifetime of love and chances and surrender. Because I could not love you any other way, because you deserve nothing less.

I pray that you feel my love and the fire that burns steadily as I wait for you. You know I will keep my promise and I trust that you will come back. I have spared myself from thinking of how difficult things could and might be, all that I think of now is that I will have you for a lifetime, and that you will have me every waking second of your life. That has not stopped, actually. Though we are not together, you know I never left your side. I will be with you through this, I will see you through this. I will gather all that I understand of love and of strength of conviction and offer them to you. Hold on to us, hold on to me, my love.

I pray that your nights be gentle and your days be calm. I pray that before you succumb to slumber and say your own prayers, you think of us. And that you never stop trusting I will be with you, until the end. We create our own stories, so allow me to write this one with you. I ask that I spend all my days loving you like you have never felt before. That is all I ask. A chance, a moment, a lifetime.

 

anais nin

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

t.s. eliot

i should have been a pair of ragged claws.

frida kahlo

i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return.