permutations posted by imani , Friday, November 4, 2011 at 12:43 AM, in Labels: freefall

i come home to the emptiness of my room and the silence of my voice. and inside my head, even my thoughts are warring.

i remember each and every time we cry because we fail to comprehend. each time we succumb to raising voices because we are threatened we are no longer being heard. each time we are demolished by our own scarring words because we thought there could never be another way to say them.

when this happens, i take a step back. i take an inward journey to find out what really signifies living for me. and when i do question my heart of hearts, i am maimed and dissembled, even daunted by one reality - something that you neglect to recognize when you are high on your own madness.

that this soul has bared everything it was and will ever be - for the love of you. it knows no more secrets to keep, no more boundaries to protect, no more truths to be ashamed of. it only realizes that it needs you - that you have become even more necessary than the very air it breathes. that it will break and bend over and over and mend itself right in front of you - to show you that it will stop at nothing, if it means loving you and feeling your love one more day.

this love will fight the shadows and doubts of your own heart. it will attempt everything it can to open your eyes to what you cannot see before. it will attempt to give beginnings to permutations of desire, of hope, of yearning - of all the things that make this history, this life, consequential.

even when we drive each other to a heedless quiet, the atmosphere tainted by the unending conundrum of the battle we will not stop waging, i can only wish that you never forget this: that at the end of it all, even when you think things could be easy, they are not. and even when they are not easy, know that i am not after conveniences. i am after loving you. know that what we have never thrived because of tolerance, but because we feed it our understanding. know that the love we share is bigger than our own happiness or our own sadness.

most of all, discern this - that i have never stopped wanting to come home to the quiet of my thoughts because that is where i meet you, that is where i find you, that is where i am all the more reminded not to be afraid to come home to loneliness, because i never will be lonely. because you never left my thoughts, because you never left me. and because i am holding on to every bit of you and me - every bit of that moment you said i never will be alone again.

all i know is that i love you. all i know is that i do not have the right to question why such love does not run out of reasons to keep burning or keep sustaining itself. all i know is that even when i lack in some, if not most things, i will try my hardest to be deserving of you. please do not stop crossing new paths with me or discovering gentleness and desire amidst arguments. be the splendor in my nights as i be the light in your darkness. all i want is that you hang on because you know you will never lose, and that you love because you know you will never be empty.