rebirth posted by imani , Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 6:32 PM, in Labels: freefall

it felt like i have just been reborn.

after spending what seemed to be countless of days reading 'the rule of four,' my entanglement with the novel ended an hour or so ago.

it was satisfying. the book revolved around the renaissance text 'hypnerotomachia poliphili,' which translates to poliphilo's strife of love in a dream, a narrative in which the protagonist pursues polia, his love, his lover, whom he would die for and kill for, in a dreamlike escape.

the book itself presented a lot many things that need some serious digesting, and true enough, it took me close to a week before i could say i have read all four hundred something pages of it. what i really liked about the story is that it in itself was a short treatise for one of the major events in renaissance italy, when savonarola gathered all things negating christianity - art and texts alike - and burned them all as if to cleanse the city of its sinfulness.

now i am sitting in my study, watching my lifetime as she goes in and out of slumber, where i am blessed with brief moments to tell her i love her or that she should go back to sleep as i will be here when she wakes up.

i have told her several times over that i have returned to my passion for reading so i can keep myself preoccupied, believing it would make it easier for me to stop thinking about 'that' old mistress - smoking.

true enough, the last 9 books i have read in a month and a half gave as much help as i allowed them to offer.

but what i hope my lifetime would realize is that it is she who i hoped would keep me busy - and whom has actually kept me busy and made the idea of quitting something totally plausible.

then i go back to that notion when we wrestle with love in our wake and even in our dreams - that has so far been the kind of journey i have been sharing with her for the last nineteen months (or more), and every day i am grateful i am able to hear her voice when i open my eyes, and that the notion of closing them does not strangle my desire because she exists everywhere - she breathes and lives in every imaginable space and corner of my being.

it has been an endless renaissance for this soul. since she said she loves me. since that second she could no longer contain her emotions and decided to reach out for me and kiss me. since that moment she said she will do what she can to make me hers.

love liberates. it uplifts, compromises, to some point negotiates. love is the one i am looking at right now, with her hand on her face, her body draped with silence as she rests after a long and arduous day at work. love is her smile and her pause when she thinks or when she tries to conjure an idea to make me forget just how tough the day has been without her, love is her voice when she invites me to join her in a meal. love is her passion to want to build dreams. and it would appear that her love is the sigh of the moon right before the sun retreats in the horizon.

it has all happened. and hundreds of days later we still find moments we laugh and go back to how we began. it has happened and it is still happening.

happy nineteenth, mahal ko.

the trilogy that haunted me posted by imani , Thursday, March 22, 2012 at 10:44 PM, in Labels: freefall

in my dreams.

not exactly, but that was what it felt like.

since i saw the movie 'the girl with the dragon tattoo,' i never stopped thinking of when i can actually read stieg larsson's three-book masterpiece and this time, allow my head to imagine what would become of our punk heroine, lisbeth salander.

and just this morning, as i was set to do a bit of groceries, i saw that national bookstore is holding its annual summer book sale, where bookworms can feast on international titles and enjoy a 20% discount.

so i did the expected - i went around and scoured the shelves for the millennium trilogy. each of the books by larsson were valued at php 299.00 but i found a pack which can be bought for only php 745.00. and i thought i've stumbled upon gold.


when i reached the counter, the cashier personnel said i am still entitled to 20% off the original price. which meant i got the books for a little over php 630.00.

as of today, i have marked page 85 of 'the rule of four.' i am looking forward to starting with larsson's second installment to the salander saga (the girl who played with fire) since i have already seen the polished cinematic equivalent of the first book.


thank you to david fincher and to rooney mara for coming up with a visually enthralling, visceral, delightful interpretation of the girl with the dragon tattoo, that, as i mentioned on a post a few days ago - was enough for me to think the rest of the trilogy is worth delving into.


i do not find it odd that i feel a vague sense of closeness to the character lisbeth salander - how she struggles to keep herself together while the outside world continues to betray her and ostracize her. she has professed her own insanity and seems to be the least to be bothered by such a dense truth.

which is why i need to go back to reading now if i want to spend my weekend with 'the girl.'

i am certain posted by imani , at 10:25 PM, in Labels: freefall

that if i will be insane about a couple of things, that would concern my wife and books.

(and i have a feeling about what she will say about the statement i have just posted above.)

from march 16th up until april 15th, all national bookstore and powerbooks branches will be treating us bibliophiles to their summer book sale.


this means all titles can be bought with a 20% discount (with the exception of philippine publications). some are also available at prices ranging from php 100.00 to php 500.00.

this definitely is one good way to beat the crazy weather - whether you want to be solitary in a beach or in the confines of your room - bring a book with you. :)

an unexpected gift posted by imani , Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 2:03 AM, in Labels: freefall

a couple of days ago, my mom handed me a little package - it was wrapped in a dark olive green plastic bag and had tapes all over it, with a note carefully placed on top.

i didn't have to open it. i just tried to feel what was actually inside and i thought to myself:

it's a journal.

the gift came from ate mater - my cousin whom i have always professed to be the reason i listen to jazz in the first place. she also was the reason i came to like reading books. when i was a kid she would opt to buy me books in english instead of comic books which were a fad then and even now (regardless of what language). also, she was the one who gave me my own dictionary as a graduation present when i was in elementary school. believe it or not i still have the dictionary.

i might have mentioned this at one point, but ate mater always have encouraged me to read more and even delve in writing. for as long as i could remember she only truly gave me two things on my birthday or on christmas: i would get either a journal or a book.

and it was through her and this 'unwritten' but practical training that i knew i was able to develop my speech and writing skills. indeed, i did not have to be confined in any space. it is in books i find both my refuge and my adventures.

in between days posted by imani , at 1:31 AM, in Labels: there is no try

day thirteen:

i went to my wife's house and chatted up with her mom. in the same afternoon, i visited her cousin at a hospital and tried to catch up.

this day has been about journeys. it also was about going back and moving forward, always with that certain glimmer of hope that things will be better only if we hang on to our faiths a little longer.

i went around robinson's place in ermita to get eros a fan. i almost forgot to mention that i spent a good five hours at work this day and by some twist of fate had to mediate between two warring adults acting like kids.


day fourteen:

out of all the days in the week, this one i can call my own. i didn't have to go to work or didn't have to worry about having to go to work. i can stay at home and sleep for as long as i liked to.

but life's humor is always ironic. i woke up around 3:30 in the morning, a point from which i started chatting with my wife. i couldn't sleep, though she has repeatedly asked me to get some rest. i did try but my mind was wandering. so i decided to watch a movie.

now this one is interesting. i have seen the book but considered it too 'popular' so i decided against reading it while everyone else has their nose stuck in their own copies. i saw hollywood's latest treatment of larsson's the girl with the dragon tattoo starring daniel craig (one of my ultimate crushes) and rooney mara (up and coming then when the movie was being filmed but emerged an oscar best actress nominee) and i would have to say that the movie had enough in it to make me want to read the books. mara rocked in it, she 'is' lisbeth salander - mysterious, does not give a rat's ass about what you say and she dons a pretty cute mohawk. that bit made me envious.

i am still in that stage where i would delve at anything and everything to keep my mind off of the notion of smoking. hence the movies,the travels, the going back and forth, the admission that i miss my mohawk.


day fifteen:

first day at work. and as expected it was hectic. all i could think of when i started my shift was the want to go home and see my wife again. that was all.

i was not able to get myself anything to drink before i took a ride going to the office so i had to wait until my first break. i took a walk to 7-11 and bought myself a bottle of milk tea and chocolate muffins.

i had to keep my mind and my mouth busy. and you can think of that bit any which way you please.

i am still attributing the insane pattern in my appetite as part of my withdrawal symptoms. not that there was ever a pattern. i just felt like always having to put something in my lips, always taste something in mouth other than a lit cigarette.

have i thought of smoking again?

of course i have.

but every time i think about it, my hands and sometimes my feet would start to fidget or begin to moisten. i hold on to what i know would be best and tell myself over and over to not yield.

i need to be stronger than this.

today i finished reading 'room' and picked up 'the rule of four.' i remember giving a copy to a friend as a gift two christmases ago and i have no idea why i did not attempt to read it before giving it away. anyway, i got my copy at booksale in moa about two or three weeks ago, for a reasonable php 75.00. i am actually smiling just thinking of it right now.

speaking of books, i have decided i will collect stieg larsson's millennium trilogy all because of the excessively damaged and recluse lisbeth salander. there is something about this character that begs for more than one's curiosity - it is this nagging need to actually understand her struggles and how she came to be.

days seven to twelve posted by imani , Sunday, March 18, 2012 at 2:57 AM, in Labels: there is no try

sorry i was gone for a little while.

eros had a 'breakdown' come the seventh day. i was on skype with my wife when this odd and random error message popped, alerting me that it will restart.

and i thought it was nothing. i allowed the poor thing to do what it needed to do. after which, i tried to open it.

i waited.

and waited.

and waited some more.

until i realized something must really be fishy because it won't boot to its operating system even when i tried to 'salvage' what i can of the hard disk.

my hope fizzled. the first thing that dawned on me: i won't be able to see jona.

early the next day i made it a point to stop by the hp center in moa only to be told that it is going to take around 6k if i want eros fixed that same day. the guys were nice enough to tell me that i can just take eros to the hp service center in buendia since it's still under warranty.

off i went. when i got there i was asked to accomplish an info sheet and was asked to wait to be called. one discovery: you can surf the net for free while you wait for them to inspect the machine. you will also be told that coffee and iced tea is on the house. very nice indeed.

i was told they'd need to lock the poor thing in isolation for 3 days. that was the minimum number of days i had to be without my laptop. maximum was 7 days. when i heard that last bit i wanted to go back to moa, but then i thought to myself, i just have to be patient and i might not have to pay anything.

the hp customer service team was awesome. as promised, they provided daily updates on eros' status by getting in touch with me through both phone and e-mail. they'd let me know if an engineer has checked the machine, if they've ordered the parts needed and if they've done testing on both the hard and soft wares. turned out eros' hard drive got tired and it went bonkers - erasing everything else i have installed and left in it. thank god for warranty and for ehds.

true enough, after 3 days, i received an e-mail telling me that eros is ready for pick up. and i could not have been happier with the news.

here's a shout out to yvette, mae, zel and the rest of the hp service center team - you certainly have impressed me with the way you guys handled the issue. the follow ups were done and most importantly, you guys took your time in assessing what need to be done. one happy customer right here!

day six posted by imani , Tuesday, March 13, 2012 at 5:47 AM, in Labels: there is no try

i reached for a bag of lays the moment i woke up. i was too lazy to scour for decent food in our kitchen.

i think that this whole thing has made me want to stuff myself as a means to keep me and my mouth preoccupied. now that did not come out right. but i could care less, really.

my right wrist and forearm hurts. it does not hurt like hell but it sure is uncomfortable. i tried to do a few hand exercises to relieve my forearm muscles of the pain.

when i woke up at about 230 a.m., i popped a disk on my dvd player - this time, i watched lie to me's season two. i was reminded how ingenious this series is and how devastating it was that they weren't renewed for a 3rd season. i'm not straight but i would love to pick on tim roth's brain. consummate actor. i don't suppose anyone else can play cal lightman like he does or did.

finally finished frey's 'the final testament,' i will be writing something about it within the next few days, i just want to save what neurons i have to reading the next book from my shelf. and i won't mention the title for now.

last night, eros stopped cooperating with me. i was trying to troubleshoot it using the good old command prompt but the message 'please wait' stared at me for roughly around 3 hours. it was then when i realized i needed to take it to a doctor...or a psychiatrist. so at 930 a.m., i got myself ready and went to the service center where they offer free iced tea and coffee. i just got my coffee cup when my name was called by the personnel assisting me.

i was told i would need to leave her there, minimum of 3 days (a period they call 'isolation') to maximum of a week. bummer. she asked me if i have important files in the laptop and i knew that such an inquiry will not result to anything positive. turns out, i didn't know that eros' hard drive had suicidal intent - it crashed itself and wouldn't boot to the operating system.

thank god it's still under warranty. i think i just saved myself around 6k for hardware replacement and labor and reformatting.

but i do miss eros.

day five posted by imani , Monday, March 12, 2012 at 2:28 AM, in Labels: there is no try

had to go to work for a few hours. and was on a head-on collision with the typical makati traffic at seven in the morning (on a monday) when i was on my way home.

had breakfast while my wife slept. i was in my channel surfing mode when the exhaustion kicked in. i dozed off and my body did not even try to fight it.

i cleaned my room today. realized that it takes approximately 6 cleaning sessions to use up a small can of pledge furniture polish. that's considering i only use it for my shelf and my study table. hmmm...am beginning to wonder if it was worth spending for - i remember buying it for php 160.00.

i want so bad to finish frey's the final testament today. i think i have stumbled upon an impasse - the story has become tedious. if there's one consolation - i think there's about 60 pages left.

while i was dusting the bookshelf, i thought to myself - there's much to be busy with, there's much i can do to take my mind off of things. take my mind off of smoking, off of withdrawal, off of having initiated this 'cleansing' process.

and it is true - there is much to do so i can enrich and gather myself. if only i can take a leave for an entire month. bummer.

i still have to clear my throat every once in a while. it is as if there's an irritation waiting to go full blast.

day four posted by imani , Sunday, March 11, 2012 at 5:29 AM, in Labels: there is no try

somehow the itch stopped. thanks to strepsils.

i suppose my body is still getting used to this. 'this' being everything.

it feels like what i did and what i am committing to is that major of a change.

well i 'know' it is major. why would it not be. five years of love and of hate and of questioning why i had to pick up this habit.

i was fidgeting earlier. i tapped my foot every time i had the 'urge' to smoke. i also noticed that my hands were sweating so i tried to keep it busy. i was able to accomplish a lot of things at work but got this numbing feeling on my forearm afterwards.

that's my carpal tunnel syndrome asking to be remembered.

p.s.: my wife reminded me to make mention of my impossible mood swings. sorry, mahal.

day three posted by imani , Saturday, March 10, 2012 at 12:56 AM, in Labels: there is no try

there was a cough. and then a sneeze.

and then there was the feeling that my olfactory nerves are regaining its sensitivity.

but there was still 'that' itch on my throat.

and i would not pretend. i wondered if a drag would make me feel better.

and that's when i picked up the book i have been reading for a few days and decided never to venture into the dark frontiers of such a dangerously lonely thought.

what did i do at work today?

took my breaks, sometimes i consumed my time talking to my friends and laughing and telling them about my desire to finally kick the dirty habit of smoking.

i went to church and lit candles this time, said a few prayers and asked Him to continue guiding me.

what journey is not filled with temptations. but there is much to preoccupy myself with. thank God there is much.

day two posted by imani , Friday, March 9, 2012 at 1:18 AM, in Labels: there is no try

i do not know how i lasted the entire evening...how i survived the entire shift.

i only know i went to work armed with nothing save a 4-hour sleep. i was floating. and i was carrying a big bottle of juice everywhere i went.

i was walking back and forth, assisting my team, trying desperately to talk without slurring. trying desperately to keep myself awake.

and then i remembered all those days i depended on cigarettes and energy drinks and convinced myself that it is much easier to keep myself going long as i have those two.

this is the second day i haven't smoked a cigarette, the second day i haven't taken a swig of some energy drink named after a reptile.

but guess what.

i was really tempted. to take one. to light one.

probably not the idea of consuming an entire stick.

the notion of inhaling a puff of smoke seemed to suffice.

but it hit me - again.

and i hope it hit me over and over until i am battered and bruised.

until i would detest, abhor, hate myself for ever thinking about it.

it hit me - what will i get out of it?

my throat seems to be in this perpetual state of itch and i know that it is temporary. well, say it lasts a few more days than i hoped it would, i would have to put up with it. i deserve to hurt, because i did not think of pain before. i only thought it felt nice to have a vice and hold a cigarette in between my fingers.

here's another day. and the battle is not over yet.

keep me strong, Almighty.

day one posted by imani , Thursday, March 8, 2012 at 2:17 AM, in Labels: there is no try

i remembered what yoda said: do or do not, there is no try.

it has been over 24 hours since i lit the last cigarette (note how i am trying to detach the action from who i am: "the last" instead of "my last.").

i went to work today. and i honestly knew it would be a challenge - all because i am accustomed to taking my breaks and going out and leisurely lighting a cigarette, convinced that it keeps me awake.

i did the exact same thing: bought a bottle of juice before work, added a bar of chocolate on top of that, and the same cycle: i would go out every 2 hours, only this time i am waking around and drinking instead of smoking.

it started when i knew i just had to stop. i have attempted to get rid of the habit before but obviously there was a relapse.

i knew there was nothing good about it but i was hooked for at least about 5 years.

i knew that regardless if i would decrease the number of cigarettes i consume everyday - as long as i am still smoking, my body would suffer and is suffering the same damage.

i told my wife about it. i wrote on my datebook. and i asked God to help me.

and i know it would only be possible if i will help myself.

today was about finding a distraction. there is a desert in my mouth. there was this bitter taste at the back of my tongue.

i held on to the juice bottle and i walked.

in between posted by imani , Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 11:53 PM, in Labels: something else

today and the days that passed, i did not stop and did not allow my 'compulsion' to get the best of me. my compulsion being this weird way i had before when i would pick up a different book when the one i am currently reading has become stale or boring.

right after reading 'the lost symbol,' i looked at my shelf and took one of gabriel garcia-marquez' celebrated novellas - 'chronicle of a death foretold.' let me tell you something about how i came to love garcia-marquez.

i was in college when my friend mumai first handed me a copy of his masterpiece 'one hundred years of solitude,' (cien anos de soledad) and from then on i understood that he is one gifted storyteller. his talent is immense and even when there were moments i found myself lost in the labyrinth of his tales, he always managed to pull his readers out of it and show them an ending so satisfying, you will forget you ever got lost in the maze of his characters' names, the places they have been to and their odd and mundane experiences.

a couple of years later, when i started working and received my first pay, i made it a point to get myself a copy of his novel, along with paulo coelho's 'by the river piedra, i sat down and wept.'

and then i remember finding this great deal in powerbooks back in 2006, i suppose - when i bought 10 of garcia-marquez' books for a mere php 1, 100.00. by then i already have a copy of 'one hundred years of solitude' and 'love in the time of cholera,' so i opted to give the other copy as presents to our doyen, ernie.

so right after finishing 'chronicle of a death foretold' - which was this obscure narrative about how its protagonist, santiago nasar, was murdered and the events that lead to his slay - i picked up dan brown's 'digital fortress.'

i asked my wife which book i should read the next and she said that it would be nice to shift from one literary genre to another - and i totally agree with her. i suppose i just have a bias for the robert langdon series - which was why it took me a little longer to finish reading the 'digital fortress.' but in the same dan brown convention - you are to expect puzzles upon answers and answers that would reveal more mystery than enlightenment.

in the last two weeks, i scoured 3 different branches of 'booksale' in manila (there's one in harrison plaza, robinson's place manila and another in sm mall of asia) and have been 'lucky' to get a 2nd hand copy of 'digital fortress' and 'deception point,' which i bought for php 180.00 and php 195.00, respectively.

here's a picture of all of brown's books sitting on my study table:


i am still in that standstill phase - allowing my brain to 'rest' and take a break from reading thrillers but i am certain i will get to 'deception point' before this month ends.