a hymn to persephone posted by imani , Wednesday, January 27, 2010 at 11:11 AM, in Labels: freefall

The last month that I did not see her was the toughest obstacle I ever had to confront. It was almost this unbreakable, impenetrable wall that I (it seemed) had to slam my will against every time I realize just how genuine it is.

Despite the circumstances being harsh and unfortunate, I learned just how much she means to me now, more than ever. And because of that terrifying absence I learned so much more about myself than I possibly could in the last six months of my life.

In order to be with her ~ at least in my thoughts ~ I had to conjure darkness and pain and the unflinching claw of our separation, then battle the demons myself ~ battle the very same reasons why she and I are apart. But like all things that make us, it was worth it.

It always is.

And one of the best things that were borne out of not seeing her is this collection of sonnets that I offer her for her twenty eighth birthday. It wasn’t just because of ‘tradition’ that I decided to write about her again. It was because she always have encouraged me to write what I feel, in whatever design or manner. It is because she has always challenged me ~ the extent and the limits of what I can do. So I knew that to write all those sonnets in less than thirty days would be the best way I can take on the challenge. Plus I really liked the idea of doing something I have always dreaded, something that scares me senseless, something that has never really been attempted before.

More than anything, I started to write poetry again because it is the form that felt most natural to me and for me ~ but I never will say that my words will suffice or that it is all that she is and all that she could ever be.

This is to honor her ~ the one love I wish I never had to hurt, the one love I wish I did not have to let go of, the one person that made me realize love can be real and tangible after all ~ because she breathes and exists and exalts the glory of this life in ways that are raw and pure and uncomplicated ~ by loving herself and others without borders.

anthem posted by imani , Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 11:39 AM, in Labels: something else

Before I took my two day hiatus, I resolved to finish Ayn Rand’s novella, Anthem. And I did. And it felt like an accomplishment really. I have this nasty habit of reading 2-3 books at a time, most specially if I encounter a plateau on one of the novels I am reading. But that wasn’t the case with Rand’s Anthem.

I was drawn to the novel with the first sentence she ever wrote down. Rand said ‘It is a sin to write this. It is a sin to think words no others think and to put them down upon a paper no others are to see.’

The story opens in a dark, futuristic world where people without a sense of identity exists in dystopia, or what is also alternately called cacotopia – characterized as a fictional society where people suffer from all sorts of deprivation, oppression and terror. Both terms were coined in contrast to Thomas More’s idea of a utopia – an ideal place.

In a tunnel, Equality 7-2521 explains bits and pieces of his bleak existence. He dwells in a place that breathes in the irrationality of socialism. The World Council is bent on eliminating any and all individualist thoughts – which is why everyone talks to everybody else using plural pronouns (we, our, they). People who assert their individuality (by mere utterance of the word ‘I’) are burned at the stake and are what Equality 7-2521 calls The Saints of the Pyre.

He was raised, like all children in the world of Anthem, away from their parents and was sent to the Home of the Students. He excelled in math and science and dreamed of being a scholar but everyone’s fate is decided upon by the Council of Vocations and he was tasked to be a Street Sweeper. For the rest of his life.

Children are conceived in the Palaces of Mating, and it is deemed a crime in this society to do anything other than what you have been sentenced to do. But Equality 7-2521 remained curious, undertaking scientific experiments when he has fulfilled his work for the day. He rediscovers electricity and creates what can be compared to a light bulb.

He meets Liberty 5-3000, a woman whom he eventually will fall in love with, an act, a thought that is nonetheless prohibited, but the protagonists’ understanding of each other’s plight draws them to one another. Equality 7-2521 calls Liberty 5-3000 ‘The Golden One’ whilst she calls him ‘The Unconquered.’

One afternoon, Equality 7-2521 spends too much time working on his experiments and was caught. He was taken to the Palace of Corrective Detention where he was kept and tortured and lashed for days without end, however, his will to live and see a better world urged him to stay alive until he was able to find a means to escape.

He takes his invention to the Council of Scholars and everyone was taken aback and appalled because it was not ‘authorized’ and would definitely tip the equilibrium of their society. They tried to seize his invention from him but before they could do that, he ran away and went to the Uncharted Forest.

There he was haunted by the idea of leaving all those who mattered to him behind. But he was never destroyed by fear. He has nothing to lose.

Then he was followed by Liberty 5-3000, and it was in this encounter they realized what they hold for each other but struggled to verbalize their emotions. In the Uncharted Forest, they stumble upon a century-old house built during the Unmentionable Times (before the creation of Anthem) and in it they found scrolls upon scrolls containing the Unspeakable Word – ‘I.’ They learned the sanctity and value of individuality and Equality 7-2521 decided to call himself ‘Prometheus’ – the Titan who stole fire from the God Zeus and gives it to mankind. Prometheus, as we all know it, was punished and was chained to a rock where carrion birds fed on his liver in the day and by night his flesh grows back so he may be devoured again and again for the rest of his life. He also grants Liberty 5-3000 a new identity – he calls her Gaea, a titan of the earth and mother of the Gods.

The narrative ends with Prometheus talking about how he wants to help his friends regain their individuality and from then on start to plan for a future where reason, values and volition are not to be considered transgressions. The last word on the book is ‘EGO’ – the same word Prometheus inscribed on the rock he was chained to.

Anthem is the second work I have read of Rand, the first being ‘The Fountainhead.’ And already, I am drawn to her thought process. Her philosophy, Objectivism is based on the principle that reality is an objective absolute, that man must perceive and understand reality in order to survive. She also said that one’s highest value is one’s ability to reason. She said that man is the means himself – this means he will never sacrifice himself for others and will never sacrifice others for himself.

I cannot wait to read her most popular novel, Atlas Shrugged. Though I would have to confess, I am daunted by the 1000+ pages.

chapstick tales posted by imani , Friday, January 22, 2010 at 9:29 PM, in Labels: freefall

I am a lip balm whore. Pardon my French. I have been using lip balms for as long as I can remember. I started with the cherry flavored chapstick (long before Katy Perry started singing about a girl she had kissed who used a fruit flavored lip balm) then slowly switched to the mint flavored one. Kinda like when I was starting to smoke – I used Marlboro lights then Marlboro menthol.

There is something about me and minty stuff. Maybe in a past life I was a koala that munched on eucalyptus leaves. That’s not so bad.

I cannot live without a balm – lest I want for the recurring windburn and chapping make me look like I have herpes simplex. I remember when I was growing up, I’d have this ‘extra line’ around my lips whenever it’s time for the holidays – because again, the weather changed. I’d say using chapstick not only boosted my morale but saved me from being bullied at school.

All the irregularities in my body pretty much is caused by sudden changes in temperature – when it is too hot or too cold, I get allergies. When it’s too hot or too cold, my lips become so dry the Sahara desert would have me as a competition (obviously I am exaggerating – if that’s what happened I’d probably be dead already).

I have a stash of a lot of different things – cds, vcds, dvds (fakes and authentic), cassette tapes, magazines, books, journals, datebooks, poetry motebooks…and…used chapsticks. I am an oddball I know. But I only saved those that I have used last year (swear)! Ahahaha. The picture you’ll be looking at has at least 23 or 24 lip balms.

The average life span of a chapstick in my possession? No more than 2 weeks. This is part of my regimen. I don’t put make up on, I am a water and facial wash girl…and I can never be without my chapstick. 2 weeks is also the average life span (probably) of your college fling…if you had one. It is also the average life span of your college fling’s number on your phone book after you ditch him or her.

Obviously I am the kind who likes to ramble. I can talk about anything and everything non-stop (specially when there is alcohol/coffee and cigarettes involved). I can talk about the most marvelous, moving things to the most unusual or mundane stuff – which is precisely the reason I am writing about possibly one of the bestest best friends I have ever had – my dear spearmint chapstick.

Each time I run out of chapstick, I am usually restless and distressed, an addict shivering because the withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. Erick has, countless of times, seen me search alleys of drugstores or grocery stores desperately for them chapsticks.

And Erick would always say only one thing when he sees me finally get my ‘chapstick fix’ – which is - I look like I am raping it. And I still don’t know how I should take that ahahah.

a poignant metaphor posted by imani , Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 8:34 PM, in Labels: freefall

That’s what I would call the next couple of photographs you all would see.

Those were tickets to most (I think I threw some away, or left them on the bus or I need to check my other bags to see if there’s any left) of my trips to and from Clark.

I only have good memories of that place. And more than anything, you were the reason I did not mind the distance (of having to travel a total of 2 hours one way) or the exhaustion (sometimes coming home to you after my shift…everyday…so we can have lunch together).

We gave the phrase ‘meet halfway’ a totally different, refreshing and deeper meaning.

I am feeling nostalgic right now. I couldn’t think of anything but all the wonderful things we have between us. We both have survived a lot of things – the hurt, the pain, the distance, the opportunities we did not have the courage to take for the sake of us, the risks we have taken from the very onset so there may be a mine and yours.

The photographs depict one thing – the truth – that we have followed our bliss and will continue to follow our happiness wherever it goes.

I will never cease being grateful for having found you. I sometimes couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you – and we are only at the beginning.

I pray that you will never tire of seeking new beginnings with me. I pray that you will never tire of dreaming to see sunrises and sunsets with me. I pray that we grow stronger and more faithful everyday so we may find each other at the end of all the broken roads that kept us apart.

It wasn’t the place that had me coming back for more. It was you. It was, it is and will always be you. You are the reason why I am assured that all journeys are never without value or fervor, you are the reason the journey began in the first place, you are the reason the journey will never end.

what have you done lately? posted by imani , Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 6:51 PM, in Labels: freefall

it has been ages since my last post. i usually am 'productive' when it comes to writing (didn't want to say 'prolific' because i am the antithesis of that word this month) but work is getting in the way wahahah. boss...if you'll ever read this, PEACE!

i want to write about so many things but cannot seem to find the time. either that or i am just too lazy to make time for this. probably both. probably none of the above.

so what has kept me busy the past few days? work. then parties i went to the last couple of weekends. the latter was my only connection to the outside world, so i made sure i am part of it ehehehe.

last saturday i went to two of my friends' birthday bash and had a lot of fun. with our group, fun is always equated to booze, videoke-ing, smoking, eating and well...laughing our heads off. going there last saturday also meant killing some if not most of my neurons - and mind you, this was done after our shifts. so i guess you can say that our neurons are 'double dead.' here are some of the pictures taken during the party:

come sunday evening - i met with my best friend monette and her best friend ron at starbucks greenbelt 1. we spoke about a lot of things - including our personal dilemmas. it is always good to find people you trust - people who'd talk you out of an impending disaster or talk you to it. either way, we all agreed that we're all grown ups and that it does not hurt to stumble once in a while. we're all for enjoying the moment while it lasts. we also spoke about love (this is just so cliché, i know) only this time, it isn't about infatuations or crushes. we spoke about how we all get emotionally entangled with another person because we were trapped, we had no escape, or simply because it gives us the affirmation that we are all still capable of feeling something. we tackled some really deep shite - but it wasn't at all surprising because we had coffee and cigarettes to fuel the conversation.

after my busy weekend, i was on a hiatus for a couple more days and went back to work last tuesday night. and tuesday night was a total blur. i could barely remember anything but...thanks to my cap plan i now am able to recall bits and pieces of what transpired that day. i was floating the entire day and i felt like my body was lagging with...stress. among other things. i only slept a couple of hours the day before i came to work so just imagine the havoc.

odd thing is (at this point i don't suppose there isn't anything about me that is not odd) - i always make it a point to complete my deliverables on time, so i can go home early or in case someone begs for a coffee session, i can jam with that person. but for the most part when i get home i just look at my room, i watch the tv or read a book hoping to exhaust my eyes and put myself to sleep - until i realize it's 7:00 pm.

i checked baroness lucia just now and she just showed me that all the songs i have would play about 14 hours and 11 minutes, whilst all the sleep i get during my 5-day work week amounts to about 15 hours. this is hopeless. i feel hopeless. i am hopeless.

well...not really. the reason i haven't been able to blog a lot lately is because i am working on something for someone. and i am almost done. plus, i just started reading ayn rand's 'anthem' (while i am reading ellen degeneres' 'my point...and i do have one') so maybe i am not THAT hopeless after all.

let me close this post with a quote from e.e. cummings - something i saw on lisa ray's blog before i started my shift:

statement posted by imani , Friday, January 15, 2010 at 8:32 AM, in Labels: freefall

i have been utterly busy the last few days, and could not blog as much as i would love to. just like yesterday - i went home with my brain fried and all.

that has not happened in a long while and to some point i liked it because all the things that i needed to accomplish at work kept me up and saved my brain from getting rusty. there goes the masochist in me.

the only drawback is that yesterday's worth of work overwhelmed me and before i knew it the rest of my body wasn't cooperating anymore.

anyhow, if you guys have the chance to drop by national bookstore, powerbooks or bufini, please do grab a copy of statement - a fashion magazine published every couple of months. karylle is on the cover of their november-december 2009 issue.


and...voila! turn to page 51 and i was featured (along with 4 of my colleagues) on their 'my look' section.


photography was done by vinz condicion - visionary extraordinaire - the same creative being who took the photos you are now seeing on my blog!

special thanks to ellimac (she whose 'real' name must not be mentioned ehehe) for the 'uber cool' exposure.

the whole experience is nice - not that i am expecting this will place me on a celebrity status (ahaha) but the point is - it is more than just 15 minutes of fame - it's in print. it's history.

lisa ray posted by imani , Tuesday, January 12, 2010 at 2:13 PM, in Labels: something else

i read about the news last weekend, while i was biding time at work. i really couldn't do what i was supposed to do anymore so i decided to check the web. i searched for whatever update was available about her and was...downhearted when i read about this one:

37 year old indo-canadian actress and former model, lisa rani ray, was diagnosed with a rare and incurable form of bone marrow cancer called multiple myeloma last june 23, 2009.

during my two-day hiatus i was contemplating on whether i should blog about it or not, my heart is still mending, as if she is a close friend or a relative. i don't know why i reacted that way. i so far have seen her in 3 films and some bits and pieces of the movies she starred in on youtube. she has starred in i can't think straight, the world unseen and water - those were the 3 movies i was talking about. but it was her movie 'bollywood/hollywood' that catapulted her to fame as an actor.

perhaps her influence on me stems really not on the movies i have seen, but the heart rending posts she continues to share thru her blog lisaraniray.wordpress.com.

her blog's shout out is: 'never stop fighting.' that i think is brave, apt, courageous, audacious and simply brings her into an utterly different kind of light. her battle against myeloma necessitated the use of steroids, which has a number of side effects, one is causing the person to look 'bloated' (this was the exact same word lisa used on her blog).

lisa started getting treatment a week after the results came in. her blog takes her audience through her journey in dealing with cancer. she looked like she has gained weight and her post last december 12, 2009 shows us that she has lost her hair.

lisa, i am re-posting my third tattoo for you. for all the ordeals i had to confront, i always turned to the Almighty. i am sure that you are doing the exact same thing right this very moment. have faith. never succumb. one step is a complete journey. my heart goes out to you. this life is worth celebrating and allow all of us who respect and admire you do that every day.

you are amazing inside and out.

rainer maria rilke posted by imani , Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 7:44 PM, in Labels: freefall

part of the things i was able to get for myself during the holidays was an old copy a collection of rilke's poems. one of his sonnet drew all the air i had in me when i was reading it. it said:

'i am the rest between two notes.'

a few seconds ago, i tried to search for tattoo designs. apparently i am itching to get inked again and i am thinking of a major project this time. i was looking for things that will inspire me so i can conjure a design (and simply tell the artist about it) then i saw a photograph of lady gaga's tattoo on her inner left arm...and it's a quote from rilke, which says:

In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write.

signs posted by imani , at 6:50 PM, in Labels: freefall

i suppose it is the hopeless incurable romantic in me that is screaming right now. i always have believed in signs ~ that they are there not just simply tell us something, but that they find us when we need to believe in the existence of a greater being or when we feel lost.

the last few days i have been humming lady gaga's 'bad romance' to myself ceaselessly. and yesterday i watched the television for more than an hour hoping that i would see it on channel v or on mtv. weird, but true. unusual, but it really happened. i don't know what that means, but i sure am dying to find out what significance it holds in my life right now.

it was a bright yet desolate afternoon. after working an extra day to complete the stuff i had to do for my service, i was on my way home. i was staring out the window and was thinking of you. then i thought to myself ~ i wanted to let you know you still crowd my thoughts, i wanted to hear your voice, i wanted for you to know that there is still this inevitable twinge in my heart every time the sound of your name resonates in the void.

and as i was pulling my phone out of my bag, i gazed at what was in front of me (which, of course, another empty chair on the bus) and i was startled, i was dumbfounded, i was befuddled.

instead of sending you a text message, i immediately took a shot of the sign that was given to me ~ to remember the day i felt so lost and remember the feeling of suddenly being found ~ even without you there beside me, i knew i wasn't alone. i knew that there were things to hope for and have faith in. i knew that you and i will find each other regardless of the number of times this road forks and breaks.

for i have always been yours and our memories will never be forsaken.

beginning posted by imani , Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 8:50 AM, in Labels: freefall

I know that my blog’s tagline says ‘a great unraveling of endings and beginnings’ and last year has been a roller coaster ride, for the most part. I am usually afraid of heights and that means I won’t dare imagine riding a roller coaster, much less be in one. The universe gave me a lot of surprises last year. For some of them, my body still has not gotten rid of the shock…but I would have to say that last year was great. Generally speaking. There are some things that I was fated to experience and again, that comes with the idea (or the truth) that there is something to learn from each experience I gain.

Before the new year unraveled, I wanted to make sure I do something to make the last day of 2009. I wrote poems – these days I am writing mostly sonnets, I have been scared sh*tless of doing that, thinking that I might not have much to offer, but I realized nothing can be achieved without any attempts.

I watched one of my favorite movies, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button when I got home last December 31st. I wanted to relish the feeling that the movie brought me the first time I saw it – which was – that some things last.

This year, I meant to start differently. I mean to work on the little things. I did not have any ‘new year’s resolution,’ well, the most appropriate term would be I chose not to make any resolutions. I chose to do away with it because I only get disappointed with myself each and every time I break something. So this year, I want to be a little more ‘spontaneous.’ Then suddenly the thought of ‘spontaneous human combustion’ popped in my head. Weird.

I don’t have wishes for myself, I do, however, wish all of you the following:

• I hope you find comfort in the thought that we are all simple, imperfect souls, and are bound to make mistakes and realize that getting up after stumbling down is what counts more than anything.
• I hope that you find the courage to pursue your dreams with passion. Do not wait. Do not save it for later. Go for it.
• I hope you find the strength to refrain from planning everything in your life because you’d be missing the whole point of living – life is an adventure. It won’t hurt to be spontaneous every once in a while. Take the road less travelled.
• I hope you find the spirit to seek forgiveness for the hurt you have caused others.
• I hope you find the faith to trust the reason why things happen the way they do.
• I hope you find the fortitude to understand the natural order of things. All life ends, same thing goes for relationships. But it is always up to you how you would let things end.
• I hope you find the good in yourself despite being a flawed human being.

belief and technique posted by imani , Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 8:21 PM, in Labels: something else

Jack Kerouac’s Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy.
2. Submissive to everything, open and listening.
3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
4. Be in love with yr life.
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from the bottom of the mind.
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual.
10. No time for poetry but exactly what it is.
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you.
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition.
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time.
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monologue.
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement of yourself.
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in a language sea.
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life.
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in the mind
22. Don’t think of words when you stop but to see the picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language and knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In Praise of Character in the Bleak Inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You’re a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored and Angeled in Heaven

As ever,

Jack

Jack Kerouac “Belief and Technique for Modern Prose: List of Essentials” from a 1958 letter to Don Allen, in Heaven & Other Poems

high posted by imani , at 6:50 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

the moon unarmored on a night adorned by
fearless stars, like the shimmering grace of your eyes
waking up to the sound the waves make
remembering the strands of your voice falling

fiber by fiber upon my heart, caressing the amber
silhouettes playing in the darkness, dancing
to the cadence of heartbeats soaring on a dream
unknown to all save you and me

the vines climb delicate stalactites and our beginning
fastens itself steadily on wishes buried beneath
an ever-moving axis of truths and beliefs

hiding under a sheath of laughter, where hopes
and prayers unfold every second, carrying the brightness
of your fragile light sailing through the clouds.

on impulses, phantoms and the creative process posted by imani , Saturday, January 2, 2010 at 8:43 PM, in Labels: something else

If you persist in throttling your impulses you end by becoming a clot of phlegm. You finally spit out a gob which completely drains you and which you only realize later was not a gob of spit but your inmost self. If you lose that you will always race through dark streets like a madman pursued by phantoms. You will be able to say with perfect sincerity: “I don’t know what I want in life.”

~ Henry Miller, Rosy Crucifixion: Sexus

eight rules for writing fiction posted by imani , at 8:36 PM, in Labels: something else

this was written by kurt vonnegut. i chanced upon this a few minutes before i left work last december 31st. i thought it would be nice to share this with you.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character that he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things – reveal character or advance action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them – in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they should finish the story themselves, should the cockroaches eat the last few pages.

laced posted by imani , at 8:22 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

the days and nights endure being haunted
by a flame that thrives slowly in the
incandescent shadow your body makes
in the silence, in the mystery of things

to come ~ in the perpetual unravelling of
the unknown, the secrets heaved clandestinely
under stars and clouds and comets that
lurk in the darkness, of majestic, celestial

beings that deceive my eyes, closer, nothing
remains, just the smoke and vagueness
of our fears and the clarity of muted

desires burning, consuming, colliding,
carving itself upon intangible thoughts laced
with ripples of this unending fall.