TATTERED. BROKEN. IN PIECES. ENCLOSED. IN SILENCE. ATTACKED. BY FACELESS DEMONS. AMBIGUOUS. IN CRISIS. LOST. IN MY OWN SUFFERING. BEATEN. MY HEART BEATING. UNDERNEATH THE TANGLED SKIES. BENEATH THE FLEETING MOONLIGHT. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE. WOULD HAVE TO BE. THE FACE I LONG. TO SEE. THE UNSPOKEN. POETRY. MY TONGUE LASHING. BABBLING. UNKNOWING. UNKNOWN. TARNISHED. TAINTED. PURE. AND INNOCENT. POSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. DOWNPLAYING. INCREDIBLE. PRETTY. BEAUTIFUL. CRAZY. AND ALL THE SH*T. IN BETWEEN. F*CKED UP. AND FREAKED OUT. PROMISING. ALRIGHT. YOU THINK. TRUST. THE HONESTY. OF MY NAKED IRONY. OF THIS BARED IDENTITY. SOBER. DRUNK. BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. BUT I DON’T THINK. I CAN BE. ALL THAT. YOU. WANT TO LOOK AT. QUIT IT. WHAT? YOU STARING AT ME. YOU DON’T KNOW. HOW I HAVE GONE THROUGH. THE WORLD. YOU DON’T HAVE AN IDEA. SO JUST QUIT IT. AMAZED. DAZED. IN TOTAL WRECKAGE. UNSOPHISTICATED. EVERYTHING. I THOUGHT WAS TRUE. BECAME. SOMETHING. ELSE. AND THESE DAYS. I AM JUST PANICKING. WHAT IS HAPPENING. TO ME? AFTER ALL. THE TRUTH. IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. YOU SEE. WHAT I CAN NOT. AND I CAN FATHOM. WHAT YOU ARE. INCAPABLE OF APPRECIATING. DUALITIES. SIMILARITIES. HOPING. THAT THIS INSANITY. IS GONNA GO. SOMEWHERE. INSTEAD I FIND. MYSELF. NORTH OF NOWHERE. YOU SMOTHER. THE FIRE. YET KILLING IT. DOES NOT. STOP. THE YEARNING. THE IRREPRESSIBLE. WANTING. TO BE LOCKED. IN YOUR ARMS. MAYBE. THAT IS. ALL I EVER. COULD IMAGINE. THESE DAYS. OF BEING WITHOUT. YOU. AND SEE. YOU ARE. THE ONLY ONE. I CAN THINK OF. RIGHT NOW. HOW DO YOU. DO THAT? JUST MESS MY LIFE UP. MY WINGS. CLIPPED. AND BOUND. BY THE THREAD. OF YOUR INFINITE BREATH. AN UNTRACEABLE HAPPINESS. BECOMES ME. AND YOU ARE. THE ORIGIN. OF IT. CONFUSED. BEYOND ANY CONFUSION. IS THERE SUCH A THING. SUCH MYSTERY. SUCH A LONELY. DREAM. SUCH A LONELY SOULD. WALKING. ON MY OWN. WITH THE SHADOW. OF YOUR GHOST. STIFLING ME. HOW LONG. DO YOU. INTEND TO DO THIS? HOW MUCH OF THIS. ARE YOU WILLING TO DISCERN. DIGEST. THE HIDDEN. THE MONSTROSITY. THE VANQUISHED. THE INEXPERIENCED MUSE OF YOUR BLINDED FAITH. OR SIMPLY YOUR. STRANGE FASCINATION. FOR WISDOM. FOR THE ENLIGHTENMENT. WHICH YOU NEVER HAD. FOR THE KISSES ON MY LIPS. WHICH YOU DEARLY HOPE CAME FROM YOU. BUT YOUR ABSENCE. HAS MADE ME REALIZE. I AM EMBRACED BY A PERSON CALLED ‘ME.’ PRETENSIONS. INTENTIONS. PARALLELS OF UNDERSTANDING. DIMENSIONS. FACETS. LEVELS. OF SACREDNESS. THE VEIL. SLOWLY BEING LIFTED. MY GRACE. MY UNQUESTIONABLE. BELIEF. IN THE EXISTENCE. OF A HEAVEN. IN HELL. TIME. IS GONE. NOW HAS DIFFUSED. IN THIS JOURNEY. CONFOUNDED BY SKEPTICS. WELL. I CAN TELL YOU. PAIN CAN BE TOUCHED. IT IS TANGIBLE. MY HISTORY. HAVE PERMITTED. ME TO. DO SO. WOUNDED. BY THE WAY. THESE PEOPLE. HAVE GONE THROUGH. LIFE. SCARED. AFRAID. ISN’T THE INEVITABLE. INVITING? IT IS TO ME. AND PERHAPS. IT IS ALL THAT I HAVE TO SEE. AND LET ME. END THIS. GIVING YOU. A TATTERED. BROKEN. PIECE OF. ME.
goya's ghosts
beware, readers...for i have an incurable penchant for art inspired by tragedy and disaster.
last night, i felt like watching a natalie portman movie, so i did. it was goya's ghosts - directed by milos forman.
the story is set in spain circa 1790 - in the height of the inquisition and amidst the french revolution under the command of napoleon.
natalie portman is inés bilbatua, daughter of a rich and powerful merchant. stelan skarsgard is francisco goya - a highly celebrated painter during that time. the two characters become depressingly entwined with each other as inés was put into 'question' (in short, being tortured, with her hands tied in her back with a rope and being lifted about 6 feet from the ground, basically 'almost' breaking her skin and shoulder bones). inés' family seek goya's help to set her free, as the latter is also being commissioned by brother lorenzo (javier bardem) to paint his portrait.
so what happens is that the poor girl inés was forced to confess that she was practicing judaism, taken to the prison without standing trial...and here's the worst part - each day, brother lorenzo would visit inés and invite her to pray with him while he 'preys' on her...touching her naked, battered and blistered body. she will stay in prison for the next 15 years.
brother lorenzo fled the country, crossed the border and headed to france...where he drowned in newfound freedom and everything else he was restrained from as a man who practiced celibacy.
after which, spain was reduced to dust and hopelessness...when france finally was able to invade spain, they set all of the captives free...and inés emerges about 30 years older, with her youthful beauty untraceable. she sees goya again, only that this time, the old man has grown deaf and would have to read inés lips, as she sought his help to look for the daughter she gave birth to while in prison.
she lost her mind...her daughter was taken from her before she could feed her. our protagonist, francisco goya, unravels and finds out that inés did have a baby girl who left the convent at age 11 and was a harlot by age 15 and her name is alicia.
that's about all that i would write for now.
i just want to tell you all that the movie was just so heartbreaking that i want to watch it again.
musings of the non-cigarette smoking woman
i have a weird feeling that there will come a time, a hapless stranger will stumble upon my blog and yell:
'quitter!'
well that was what my best bud erick told me when he first learned that i am stopping smoking - for good. he's just like that because he now knows he won't have 'company' when he takes his cancer breaks.
it has been 7 days and i have not touched a cigarette. no doubt, i think about it sometimes...but to actually not feel the need to put a ciggy between my fingers - that's definitely something else.
we all know that when we are trying to quit a vice, there are a couple of things we need to rid ourselves of:
first, the habit. second, the addiction.
okay...it was both a habit and an addiction to me. it was quite a love affair, actually.
my habit and addiction rescued me from desperation. it became my refuge when i was on my own and did not really have anyone to speak with. for some reason it felt like i was able to think through things better when i smoke. but now we all know that it is not true. i think that for most part, i was disillusioned that smoking presented comfort.
since i stopped smoking, i have been able to sit inside starbucks. i hated sitting inside the coffee house because my hot coffee isn't scalding anymore when it reaches my throat. anyway...it was cool to find myself on the other side of the fishbowl.
for a moment, i felt like i have become someone who might just be instrumental to another person's utter, debilitating boredom - i just watch people, i complain about how itchy my patch gets, i don't know if i would still be able to sport a mohawk without a ciggy and convince people that i am a rocker chick in my past life.
but...7 days later...i don't regret a thing. i am glad that i took the necessary step to preserving the little life i have left in my pixie-like body. who cares if my arms are immobile, who cares if i feel like half of my body is in catatonic schizophrenia (all because i cannot move too much when i have the patch on and because i feel like another being has taken over me)...at least i know that i am healing, and i have learned that no cigarette is ever safe...that yes, life is about making choices. it was a choice to try smoking, i got hooked, then a few years later, realized that the habit is more like an absent lover. it sucks all that is good in you and leaves you with nothing.
in the next few days, i might have to try restraining myself - but this time - only with willpower. i have asked nosh to not buy me patches anymore. i will keep everyone posted...to prove that i can make up my mind to do something - anything - and quit.
'quitter!'
well that was what my best bud erick told me when he first learned that i am stopping smoking - for good. he's just like that because he now knows he won't have 'company' when he takes his cancer breaks.
it has been 7 days and i have not touched a cigarette. no doubt, i think about it sometimes...but to actually not feel the need to put a ciggy between my fingers - that's definitely something else.
we all know that when we are trying to quit a vice, there are a couple of things we need to rid ourselves of:
first, the habit. second, the addiction.
okay...it was both a habit and an addiction to me. it was quite a love affair, actually.
my habit and addiction rescued me from desperation. it became my refuge when i was on my own and did not really have anyone to speak with. for some reason it felt like i was able to think through things better when i smoke. but now we all know that it is not true. i think that for most part, i was disillusioned that smoking presented comfort.
since i stopped smoking, i have been able to sit inside starbucks. i hated sitting inside the coffee house because my hot coffee isn't scalding anymore when it reaches my throat. anyway...it was cool to find myself on the other side of the fishbowl.
for a moment, i felt like i have become someone who might just be instrumental to another person's utter, debilitating boredom - i just watch people, i complain about how itchy my patch gets, i don't know if i would still be able to sport a mohawk without a ciggy and convince people that i am a rocker chick in my past life.
but...7 days later...i don't regret a thing. i am glad that i took the necessary step to preserving the little life i have left in my pixie-like body. who cares if my arms are immobile, who cares if i feel like half of my body is in catatonic schizophrenia (all because i cannot move too much when i have the patch on and because i feel like another being has taken over me)...at least i know that i am healing, and i have learned that no cigarette is ever safe...that yes, life is about making choices. it was a choice to try smoking, i got hooked, then a few years later, realized that the habit is more like an absent lover. it sucks all that is good in you and leaves you with nothing.
in the next few days, i might have to try restraining myself - but this time - only with willpower. i have asked nosh to not buy me patches anymore. i will keep everyone posted...to prove that i can make up my mind to do something - anything - and quit.
the tudors
I am not sure if anyone has actually seen an episode, but this Showtime-produced series emerged April of 2006.
I only started watching it about 4 months back...and I am hooked. What would you expect?
The series is being shot in Ireland. The central characters of the story are two actors who have become my favorites - carefully bringing to life the misfortunes (along with lust and betrayal) that occurred in the House of Tudor.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers is the tragic King Henry VIII. More than the loves and conquests of Henry, it is, truly, the intrigue and conspiracy surrounding England’s monarch that makes the audience clamor for more. Rhys Meyers convinces us of his capacity to shift from one persona to another – as King Henry VIII, he is ambitious, he is zealous and he is driven by his desires (my kind of guy, actually).
Natalie Dormer plays the role of the seductive Anne Boleyn. Natalie’s confidence exudes onscreen, as she takes on a character that, I don’t suppose, will ever be considered ‘boring.’ As Henry’s second wife, she’s influential, she’s flamboyant, and she’s twisted. But she’s such a good actress that she makes the word ‘twisted’ sound so nice that it might just make some of us, if not all of us, want to be one.
The series takes us back to a timeless fragment in history – highlighting both the magnanimity and sometimes the heartlessness of one of the greatest sovereigns in Europe.
I guess what fascinates me more than anything is the reality that tragedy befalls everyone and anyone – that whether you are a commoner or a king – you never can escape life’s beating. That what goes around comes around. That victory does not only guarantee bliss but also downfall.
The Tudors is in itself, an unquestionably great work of art.
coordinates
There are just some things in our universe that can never be. There are just some things in our universe that will never meet.
Some coordinates just don’t match. Some coordinates just don’t make sense. Some coordinates just won’t take us anywhere.
Yet I would like to think that such is not enough to derail me, dishearten me, or prevent me from being with you. I hope our hearts will never tire of finding new paths that would lead us to each other. That we won’t get exhausted having to create new ones, in case we are confronted by an impasse.
Despite of and in spite of our differences, we are together because we know that there is something better that awaits us. We know that we are not wasting our time, that we are not wasting the best of us – that which we have offered and given to each other. Just like what you have told me – we are both imperfect. And it is our imperfections that draw us to each other.
Each time I feel threatened by the notion that we no longer see in each other the very reason why we fell in love…I look at you…and your antics, your mannerisms, your habits. The things that you hate about yourself, I love. The things that you hate about yourself are what makes you who you are.
You have spoken to me about this idea that I am ‘luckier,’ or that things always go in my favor. Even I would not wish for such a set-up. That’s just scary. To be completely lucky and to not need anything anymore. To be completely lucky and to never feel the desire to change for the better. I remember telling you that everyone goes through life and experiences things that make one feel lucky or otherwise. In my case…I am blessed, that I know, but it never meant that I am leading a perfect life. I am not wishing for a perfect life. I suppose I just know where to look. I just know that life will offer highs and lows and that I have to take each day like a grain of salt and not worry to much – not worry that I wouldn’t do anything that’d screw my life up – or alter what I have built for myself.
I am not wishing for a perfect partner either. You are all I want. All of who you are. All that creates you…even the little things that make us different. I love our similarities and appreciate our differences. Do not ever tell me that you have failed simply because you are imperfect. We are both bound to experience failure and disappoint each other. But I know we are not going to stop there. I know we are making something – we have created something bigger than us both. Something grander than what we both have imagined.
That is what keeps me going. You keep me going.
It is not the years that will make me stay. It is not the hopelessness or the desperation to not feel alone that will make me stay. It is you.
You are all the reason that holds me to this earth.
Some coordinates just don’t match. Some coordinates just don’t make sense. Some coordinates just won’t take us anywhere.
Yet I would like to think that such is not enough to derail me, dishearten me, or prevent me from being with you. I hope our hearts will never tire of finding new paths that would lead us to each other. That we won’t get exhausted having to create new ones, in case we are confronted by an impasse.
Despite of and in spite of our differences, we are together because we know that there is something better that awaits us. We know that we are not wasting our time, that we are not wasting the best of us – that which we have offered and given to each other. Just like what you have told me – we are both imperfect. And it is our imperfections that draw us to each other.
Each time I feel threatened by the notion that we no longer see in each other the very reason why we fell in love…I look at you…and your antics, your mannerisms, your habits. The things that you hate about yourself, I love. The things that you hate about yourself are what makes you who you are.
You have spoken to me about this idea that I am ‘luckier,’ or that things always go in my favor. Even I would not wish for such a set-up. That’s just scary. To be completely lucky and to not need anything anymore. To be completely lucky and to never feel the desire to change for the better. I remember telling you that everyone goes through life and experiences things that make one feel lucky or otherwise. In my case…I am blessed, that I know, but it never meant that I am leading a perfect life. I am not wishing for a perfect life. I suppose I just know where to look. I just know that life will offer highs and lows and that I have to take each day like a grain of salt and not worry to much – not worry that I wouldn’t do anything that’d screw my life up – or alter what I have built for myself.
I am not wishing for a perfect partner either. You are all I want. All of who you are. All that creates you…even the little things that make us different. I love our similarities and appreciate our differences. Do not ever tell me that you have failed simply because you are imperfect. We are both bound to experience failure and disappoint each other. But I know we are not going to stop there. I know we are making something – we have created something bigger than us both. Something grander than what we both have imagined.
That is what keeps me going. You keep me going.
It is not the years that will make me stay. It is not the hopelessness or the desperation to not feel alone that will make me stay. It is you.
You are all the reason that holds me to this earth.
no frontiers
You are my touchstone. And it breaks my heart, to know that you and your family are at the onset of probably the biggest frontier in your lives.
Please do not fear, my love. For I will be with you and I will take your hand as you tread on a perilous path.
I know how disheartening it is. I have been there one time too many. I know how helpless we can feel…or how helpless we can allow ourselves to feel. But life is always about making a choice. You can choose to dwell in the darkness, or face your qualms and believe that there is always something to hope for.
I can only tell you that I have been where you are now, but I also am aware that your pain is different from mine. We never can measure pain, and at the end of it all – it is cloaked by one truth. It is pain and it always will be a challenge dealing with it.
I can only tell you that I will be with you, and that you will never be alone. I cannot, however, literally share the pain with you. But know that I am here to wipe your tears away. Know that I am here to embrace you when everything becomes intolerable. When everything becomes futile. I wish I can do something more. Forgive me of my limitations, my love. Forgive me.
Forgive me that right now, I feel like my love can only take you so far. I feel so inadequate…yet I know I need to be strong for you. I know that you are trying your very best to conquer your fears…and I see that. And I know that it is going to be a struggle – we both are in that limbo – we want to smile through what is happening, yet we are aware that we need to be realistic.
I know it can be difficult to see through the pain, see through the injustice. I know that sometimes, our judgment will be clouded, we will be overcome by our hopelessness. When that happens, I pray that your faith will be steadfast. That is what your family needs now. That is what I need for you to do.
Because I need you, and I do not ever want to see you losing hope, or lacking courage. Courage is all that takes us from this moment to the next. I need you to be strong because I need you in my life. I will be strong for us both, in case you would stumble. I will be here to catch you. I will be beside you, unfailingly, unswervingly.
More than anything, I want for you to remember something that I have said before – that not all sunsets are perfect. That not all mornings will have its dawn. Some days will be as gloomy as the twilight. But it is the darkness that teaches us what light is. It is in darkness that we find our northern star. You will never be lost, however, you need to know where to look.
That is in me, through me, within me.
That is in you, through you, within you.
I love you. I know I have said that my love can only take you so far. I am taking the journey with you, beloved. I am more than willing to bare all that I have for you – let us both discover the height and depth of my love. Let us both unravel its timelessness and endlessness.
And maybe by then we both can prove that my love knows no bounds.
Please do not fear, my love. For I will be with you and I will take your hand as you tread on a perilous path.
I know how disheartening it is. I have been there one time too many. I know how helpless we can feel…or how helpless we can allow ourselves to feel. But life is always about making a choice. You can choose to dwell in the darkness, or face your qualms and believe that there is always something to hope for.
I can only tell you that I have been where you are now, but I also am aware that your pain is different from mine. We never can measure pain, and at the end of it all – it is cloaked by one truth. It is pain and it always will be a challenge dealing with it.
I can only tell you that I will be with you, and that you will never be alone. I cannot, however, literally share the pain with you. But know that I am here to wipe your tears away. Know that I am here to embrace you when everything becomes intolerable. When everything becomes futile. I wish I can do something more. Forgive me of my limitations, my love. Forgive me.
Forgive me that right now, I feel like my love can only take you so far. I feel so inadequate…yet I know I need to be strong for you. I know that you are trying your very best to conquer your fears…and I see that. And I know that it is going to be a struggle – we both are in that limbo – we want to smile through what is happening, yet we are aware that we need to be realistic.
I know it can be difficult to see through the pain, see through the injustice. I know that sometimes, our judgment will be clouded, we will be overcome by our hopelessness. When that happens, I pray that your faith will be steadfast. That is what your family needs now. That is what I need for you to do.
Because I need you, and I do not ever want to see you losing hope, or lacking courage. Courage is all that takes us from this moment to the next. I need you to be strong because I need you in my life. I will be strong for us both, in case you would stumble. I will be here to catch you. I will be beside you, unfailingly, unswervingly.
More than anything, I want for you to remember something that I have said before – that not all sunsets are perfect. That not all mornings will have its dawn. Some days will be as gloomy as the twilight. But it is the darkness that teaches us what light is. It is in darkness that we find our northern star. You will never be lost, however, you need to know where to look.
That is in me, through me, within me.
That is in you, through you, within you.
I love you. I know I have said that my love can only take you so far. I am taking the journey with you, beloved. I am more than willing to bare all that I have for you – let us both discover the height and depth of my love. Let us both unravel its timelessness and endlessness.
And maybe by then we both can prove that my love knows no bounds.
day 1, week 1
it was 23 july 2008. at approximately 1:46 in the morning, nosh carefully placed my first nicotine patch on my left arm.
yes, it is true. your eyes are not deceiving you. you read it right.
my brief and often misconstrued love affair with smoking has ended.
last 22 july 2008, nosh bought me a pack of nicotinell...it contains 7 nicotine patches and each patch must be worn for an entire day and will release about 14 mg of nicotine throughout the 24-hour period.
i just remembered - the last ciggy that i lit was 4 pm of the same day...so yeah...i have not been smoking for almost 2 days. can you believe that?!
the thing is - it's a 12-week program. so yeah...i am rehabilitating myself and i am at the very onset - and the most critical phase, i think. i still would have to find out of course, if i will be tempted...knowing that most of the people i work with smoke their 15-minute breaks away, two to three times a day, everyday.
going back to the patch...you have to hold it in place for about 20 seconds, maybe to ensure that it won't fall off or something. then a funny feeling occurs about a minute after...it feels like a small rash is developing underneath the patch, and of course you cannot scratch it too much, otherwise, the thousand that my wife spent will count to nothing.
it is actually nosh' birthday gift for me...she said it's the best thing she could offer at the moment and i agree with her. i am on my way to being healed, brothers and sisters!
so...why am i quitting?
FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
yes, it is true. your eyes are not deceiving you. you read it right.
my brief and often misconstrued love affair with smoking has ended.
last 22 july 2008, nosh bought me a pack of nicotinell...it contains 7 nicotine patches and each patch must be worn for an entire day and will release about 14 mg of nicotine throughout the 24-hour period.
i just remembered - the last ciggy that i lit was 4 pm of the same day...so yeah...i have not been smoking for almost 2 days. can you believe that?!
the thing is - it's a 12-week program. so yeah...i am rehabilitating myself and i am at the very onset - and the most critical phase, i think. i still would have to find out of course, if i will be tempted...knowing that most of the people i work with smoke their 15-minute breaks away, two to three times a day, everyday.
going back to the patch...you have to hold it in place for about 20 seconds, maybe to ensure that it won't fall off or something. then a funny feeling occurs about a minute after...it feels like a small rash is developing underneath the patch, and of course you cannot scratch it too much, otherwise, the thousand that my wife spent will count to nothing.
it is actually nosh' birthday gift for me...she said it's the best thing she could offer at the moment and i agree with her. i am on my way to being healed, brothers and sisters!
so...why am i quitting?
FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
everything is a choice...or so they say
If we all know that everything happens or a reason, if we all believe that someone up there is in charge of our fates, then why the hell is life so complicated? How did I grow so old and not know where I am heading? How did I come this far, without the certainty, of where I would really want to go? My life has slowly possessed a life of its own, with me taking the backseat, looking at the panorama of my puny, little life. And it has gone so fast, I lost track of the moment.
come here
i just realized how different your smile is, how beautiful everything seems to be each time i kiss you.
outside looking in
mortido (latin, death instict)
Period is a very nice word. It simply ends all. Lately, I have become fearful of things. Period. I have become fearful of really, very random things…like, what would the first word that I’d blurt out if I'd see God. A moment ago, I was going crazy about having to choose between coffee and extra joss, well, I chose the latter, for I, unfortunately, have become immune to coffee.
Sometimes, I get fearful that if I don’t type fast enough, all the thoughts in my head will escape. I have become terrified of my world and of myself. And I do not have the slightest idea why.
Period is a very nice word. It simply ends all. It simply ends all torment. It simply ends all injustice. It simply ends all suffering.
But we know that it never will be that easy.
Period is a very nice word. Especially when you have been wanting to end your life because you have succeeded in convincing yourself that you will have a more meaningful afterlife compared to the life you are leading.
This is the denouement of death.
feed my addiction
Why do I write?
This question has been baffling me since time immemorial. But I can never say that it is because of just one thing when it really is not - and we all know, that of course, there is nothing absolute in this life (except the truth perhaps, that when you are born, you are bound to die). It is weird as it may sound, it seems like finding my peace in paradox. I believe we all write because we need to prove something, because there is that nagging need in all of us to prove to the world that we existed…that we all have been ‘here,’ one time or another. And proving it has taken me…
So far – journeying on an uncharted path – as writing has allowed me to dwell in darkness and live in the light. It has allowed me to enjoy the eloquent silence and torment myself in mute pandemonium. It gives me the chance to deconstruct and reconstruct everything that makes me. It allows for me to go as deep as I can, and sometimes experience superficiality. It allows me to continuously reinvent myself, to gradually see myself in destruction. It permits me to create the plausible out of the impossible – like making fire moisten and letting water burn. Through it I am allowed to sustain what it is to live and to die. Because of it I know how it is to be within or without.
Through words, I conceive other worlds, another place where heaven can be touched and the air can be tasted. A place where I can desire creations beyond my reach. Through words, I am empowered to overcome all pain, angst, solitude and desperation. I am driven to search for hope, bliss, sweetness and beauty. Though these same words I am reborn, I am redeemed. I am made perfect by my beautiful imperfections.
Writing is my sanctuary in the midst of chaos.
Writing is my salvation.
This question has been baffling me since time immemorial. But I can never say that it is because of just one thing when it really is not - and we all know, that of course, there is nothing absolute in this life (except the truth perhaps, that when you are born, you are bound to die). It is weird as it may sound, it seems like finding my peace in paradox. I believe we all write because we need to prove something, because there is that nagging need in all of us to prove to the world that we existed…that we all have been ‘here,’ one time or another. And proving it has taken me…
So far – journeying on an uncharted path – as writing has allowed me to dwell in darkness and live in the light. It has allowed me to enjoy the eloquent silence and torment myself in mute pandemonium. It gives me the chance to deconstruct and reconstruct everything that makes me. It allows for me to go as deep as I can, and sometimes experience superficiality. It allows me to continuously reinvent myself, to gradually see myself in destruction. It permits me to create the plausible out of the impossible – like making fire moisten and letting water burn. Through it I am allowed to sustain what it is to live and to die. Because of it I know how it is to be within or without.
Through words, I conceive other worlds, another place where heaven can be touched and the air can be tasted. A place where I can desire creations beyond my reach. Through words, I am empowered to overcome all pain, angst, solitude and desperation. I am driven to search for hope, bliss, sweetness and beauty. Though these same words I am reborn, I am redeemed. I am made perfect by my beautiful imperfections.
Writing is my sanctuary in the midst of chaos.
Writing is my salvation.
i suppose you saw this coming
i am falling for you all over again...
and i have never felt this good about anything in my life.
the one and only
tattoo my family knows of. the design was taken from a sinead o'connor album, the text from the Bible. psalm 91, everyone.
marked for life
so today, or i mean earlier, one of my closest friends from college decided to get inked (itago na lang po natin siya sa pangalang ‘mumai.’). and i am sure we both understood how big of a deal it was – she has been ‘planning’ to get one, well, since freshman year…and i am glad that after eight long years she mustered all the courage she could and got herself a phoenix – i suppose the bird suits the moment. or maybe the moment suits the bird.
seeing her in flesh again (after the group’s last summer outing), sitting across the table, sipping iced tea and trying her very best to avoid the smoke as i light my cigarettes in a frenzy – just made me realize how much i missed hanging out with her. how much i missed her. it was great to know that we can just sit there and watch people walk by, occasionally talking about things that were and has been.
so we stayed in starbucks for a good 3 hours – just trying to catch up and absorb as much as we can of the things that we have gone through the past 6 months. i took a real good look at her and realized that she’s still the same great person i knew – well, with more wisdom and perspective now, of course.
one of the highlights of our conversation was asking each other: ‘are we still hopeless incurable romantics?’ we agreed on one thing – yes, we both still are. and it ain’t too bad. mumai have had a few relationships, i have one right now – which means we have more than enough ‘viewpoint’ of reality. but it was great to learn that despite the lows in both our lives (whether we’re in a relationship or not), we know that we can to turn to our ‘hope’ patches – something to give us small doses of optimism knowing that ‘the one’ is out there somewhere waiting (in my case, the one is already with me), that the world has not ran out of sporty, intelligent hazel-eyed guys for mumai (and in my case, a gorgeous muse named nosh won’t leave my side).
we went on and on talking about friends, mumai’s ex-boyfriends, our friends’ exes, my ‘pseudo-distress’ for not having an ex, my gratefulness for not having to worry about having an ex – up to this moment i get flabbergasted thinking about the volume of random topics that we can chatter about.
it’s amazing - how two women can sit together for hours and ramble about the daily strain of life and work, their unfulfilled desires and all else that falls in between – and not feel tired at all. well, i think i can blame it on caffeine this time. i was really excited when she told me that she ‘finally’ would like to get a tattoo. at the back of my head, i know that there is something so endearing about having to witness a friend subject herself to an expensive – and unconventional way – to have another person inflict pain on her. but more than anything, i am glad that she chose for me to witness a ‘milestone’ in her life. it was an honor to be there with her and for her – as i try my best to encourage and assure her that needles don’t really hurt. (yeah, i am one to ask hehehe)
i can’t help but worry about her as we walked towards the tattoo shop. i mean, I know she’s a tough girl, but i also know that being poked over and over again, (not discounting the fact that the tattoo machine sounds more like a jackhammer sometimes) could not possibly be ‘heaven’ for everyone.
mumai took the pain like all first timers would – with a little grunting and squirming every once in a while. i was actually wondering how she’s able to contain the pain well, despite her very petite frame. at one point i thought she’s going to break down, and i cannot help but feel a pang whenever she would whimper. but, like all women, she endured (the twenty-five minute ordeal) and emerged a little teary-eyed, but unscathed and possibly, stronger now more than ever.
seeing her in flesh again (after the group’s last summer outing), sitting across the table, sipping iced tea and trying her very best to avoid the smoke as i light my cigarettes in a frenzy – just made me realize how much i missed hanging out with her. how much i missed her. it was great to know that we can just sit there and watch people walk by, occasionally talking about things that were and has been.
so we stayed in starbucks for a good 3 hours – just trying to catch up and absorb as much as we can of the things that we have gone through the past 6 months. i took a real good look at her and realized that she’s still the same great person i knew – well, with more wisdom and perspective now, of course.
one of the highlights of our conversation was asking each other: ‘are we still hopeless incurable romantics?’ we agreed on one thing – yes, we both still are. and it ain’t too bad. mumai have had a few relationships, i have one right now – which means we have more than enough ‘viewpoint’ of reality. but it was great to learn that despite the lows in both our lives (whether we’re in a relationship or not), we know that we can to turn to our ‘hope’ patches – something to give us small doses of optimism knowing that ‘the one’ is out there somewhere waiting (in my case, the one is already with me), that the world has not ran out of sporty, intelligent hazel-eyed guys for mumai (and in my case, a gorgeous muse named nosh won’t leave my side).
we went on and on talking about friends, mumai’s ex-boyfriends, our friends’ exes, my ‘pseudo-distress’ for not having an ex, my gratefulness for not having to worry about having an ex – up to this moment i get flabbergasted thinking about the volume of random topics that we can chatter about.
it’s amazing - how two women can sit together for hours and ramble about the daily strain of life and work, their unfulfilled desires and all else that falls in between – and not feel tired at all. well, i think i can blame it on caffeine this time. i was really excited when she told me that she ‘finally’ would like to get a tattoo. at the back of my head, i know that there is something so endearing about having to witness a friend subject herself to an expensive – and unconventional way – to have another person inflict pain on her. but more than anything, i am glad that she chose for me to witness a ‘milestone’ in her life. it was an honor to be there with her and for her – as i try my best to encourage and assure her that needles don’t really hurt. (yeah, i am one to ask hehehe)
i can’t help but worry about her as we walked towards the tattoo shop. i mean, I know she’s a tough girl, but i also know that being poked over and over again, (not discounting the fact that the tattoo machine sounds more like a jackhammer sometimes) could not possibly be ‘heaven’ for everyone.
mumai took the pain like all first timers would – with a little grunting and squirming every once in a while. i was actually wondering how she’s able to contain the pain well, despite her very petite frame. at one point i thought she’s going to break down, and i cannot help but feel a pang whenever she would whimper. but, like all women, she endured (the twenty-five minute ordeal) and emerged a little teary-eyed, but unscathed and possibly, stronger now more than ever.
exhibit a is what i called 50% (meaning it's 50% done) - but mumai argued and said it felt more like a 30%.
exhibit b is the finished product - what a neat job, mr. ricky sta. ana!
today wasn’t just about seeing each other because mumai wanted to get a tattoo. this particular saturday morning meant affirming what we have – it meant appreciating the changes that we see in each other, mirroring each other’s depth, it meant loving that friend a lot deeper now, because there’s a bird and eight years of friendship between us.
from a postcard i gave her
i am maimed, crushed, defeated and subdued by your incandescent laughter.
like all else, this too shall pass
the greatest mistake was not to let you go, but to know i could have loved you more and i did not.
i am with you
I write to you now because I know that the worst part is over. I write to you now because you are all I can think of.
I write to you now because I want to take you back to the beginning.
To our beginning.
I want for you to remember the moments when my breath was halted because you are too near. I remember the instances when your absence crippled my hope – all because I want so much to be around you – I want so much to have you around.
And now, after a year and a half – I know that both of us will be counting the days of all the years that we will spend with each other. I know that both of us will have nothing but faith and optimism for the lifetime that we will share.
You are the very reason why I am here. The cause why I know there is nothing that I cannot survive. You are all that I hold that I know keeps me strong. It is your love that lifts the gloom out of a moment – your love that gives me back all that I have offered and given.
It is you, my love that makes me believe in fate. The chances, the randomness of all that which exists…somehow worked together in my favor. You are with me, and I am grateful that the universe allowed me to cross your path.
You are the light that breaks the darkness in me. You are the smile that lingers when I could not help but frown. Yours is the image that remains even when my eyes filter the pain of being apart from you. You are all that I need. You are everything that I want in this life.
You are everything that keeps me hopeful about this life. We both have gone through so much, we both have been dragged by the weight of the things that shook us. I say, the things that shook us. We are not changed by the demons that we have to confront every day. If anything, because of these same nightmares, we realize the fortitude that our heart holds. We are not changed by them because we refuse to be. We should never allow troubles to sink too deep.
I will never allow anything to change me – because I have you to think of now. Most importantly, I have you to love.
And I want to tell you that I will try to be strong enough for us both. So that you can rest your heart in my hand – and feel that I will remain with you. That I will weather the odds – no matter how cruel they may be.
I will stay with you because I understand what it meant to have followed you. I will stay with you because I know what it means to keep the one that allows me to breathe. I will remain because of you. I do not have any other reason but you.
So let me take your hand, in your journey to rediscovering the things that make you real. Let me be with you as you tread the path back to who you really are.
Let me offer you a new page, a new start, a new day. Let me offer you, my heart and my life, my understanding and my compassion, my fire and my delight – for I, at last, have realized that our beginning is a gift.
And to be with you is to triumph in reliving the moments that made ‘us.’
I write to you now because I want to take you back to the beginning.
To our beginning.
I want for you to remember the moments when my breath was halted because you are too near. I remember the instances when your absence crippled my hope – all because I want so much to be around you – I want so much to have you around.
And now, after a year and a half – I know that both of us will be counting the days of all the years that we will spend with each other. I know that both of us will have nothing but faith and optimism for the lifetime that we will share.
You are the very reason why I am here. The cause why I know there is nothing that I cannot survive. You are all that I hold that I know keeps me strong. It is your love that lifts the gloom out of a moment – your love that gives me back all that I have offered and given.
It is you, my love that makes me believe in fate. The chances, the randomness of all that which exists…somehow worked together in my favor. You are with me, and I am grateful that the universe allowed me to cross your path.
You are the light that breaks the darkness in me. You are the smile that lingers when I could not help but frown. Yours is the image that remains even when my eyes filter the pain of being apart from you. You are all that I need. You are everything that I want in this life.
You are everything that keeps me hopeful about this life. We both have gone through so much, we both have been dragged by the weight of the things that shook us. I say, the things that shook us. We are not changed by the demons that we have to confront every day. If anything, because of these same nightmares, we realize the fortitude that our heart holds. We are not changed by them because we refuse to be. We should never allow troubles to sink too deep.
I will never allow anything to change me – because I have you to think of now. Most importantly, I have you to love.
And I want to tell you that I will try to be strong enough for us both. So that you can rest your heart in my hand – and feel that I will remain with you. That I will weather the odds – no matter how cruel they may be.
I will stay with you because I understand what it meant to have followed you. I will stay with you because I know what it means to keep the one that allows me to breathe. I will remain because of you. I do not have any other reason but you.
So let me take your hand, in your journey to rediscovering the things that make you real. Let me be with you as you tread the path back to who you really are.
Let me offer you a new page, a new start, a new day. Let me offer you, my heart and my life, my understanding and my compassion, my fire and my delight – for I, at last, have realized that our beginning is a gift.
And to be with you is to triumph in reliving the moments that made ‘us.’
i am dying
...to meet the inevitable.
but what really is the inevitable?
in my case, and in this situation - it is finding you waiting for me at home everyday. you are my true home. you are and always have been one. these days, you are all that plagues my mind. and it is an inescapable truth.
you are the biggest - and the most beautiful surprise this existence has presented me with. i wasn't really expecting anything much when 'we' started. i did, however, expect that i would fall for you like crazy.
months later, i am still here - and still falling. it was bound to be an endless fall. and i wasn't really clamoring for anyone to save me. i am content and at peace with the fact that i want you the same way now, as i have wanted you before.
it is odd how one person can be everything to someone. like you are to me. i used to think that it was just insane - to allow ourselves to depend on someone, to allow ourselves to feel that we cannot be complete without the other person. but look at me now, i am full from engulfing all that which i have said before. you are that wondrous, inescapable gift - so far, the best gift that i have given to myself.
i know how you feel each time i call you 'my muse.' but it is true, my love. and at this point, we both know that denial is deadly. it was never agonizing to confront that reality everyday. i am a very willing lab rat. by all means - do what it is you desire to do to me.
before you, a rainy evening would mean seeking comfort in hot (hot, not seething) coffee...or chocolate...and then a good, classic movie. having you in my life now means 'ought to feel your warmth.' i have no doubt that we would stumble upon rocks and stones along the way. i have no doubt that there would be an 'occasional' bump in the road - but i am all ready for it. i know i have to be, because i want to keep you. and i want to be kept by you.
i never imagined i would find someone i can call my own. i am so blesssed to have found you. if you were one of those occasional bumps in the road then i am glad i took the road less travelled. i am glad that there was a detour - i know i only meant to enjoy the scenery while i am in that place, i never thought i would actually be given all the reason to stop...
as maya angelou said: we begin to stop in order to simply begin again.
thank you for being my first and last, for being my beginning, and for making me feel that nothing would ever end.
i love you, Mine.
but what really is the inevitable?
in my case, and in this situation - it is finding you waiting for me at home everyday. you are my true home. you are and always have been one. these days, you are all that plagues my mind. and it is an inescapable truth.
you are the biggest - and the most beautiful surprise this existence has presented me with. i wasn't really expecting anything much when 'we' started. i did, however, expect that i would fall for you like crazy.
months later, i am still here - and still falling. it was bound to be an endless fall. and i wasn't really clamoring for anyone to save me. i am content and at peace with the fact that i want you the same way now, as i have wanted you before.
it is odd how one person can be everything to someone. like you are to me. i used to think that it was just insane - to allow ourselves to depend on someone, to allow ourselves to feel that we cannot be complete without the other person. but look at me now, i am full from engulfing all that which i have said before. you are that wondrous, inescapable gift - so far, the best gift that i have given to myself.
i know how you feel each time i call you 'my muse.' but it is true, my love. and at this point, we both know that denial is deadly. it was never agonizing to confront that reality everyday. i am a very willing lab rat. by all means - do what it is you desire to do to me.
before you, a rainy evening would mean seeking comfort in hot (hot, not seething) coffee...or chocolate...and then a good, classic movie. having you in my life now means 'ought to feel your warmth.' i have no doubt that we would stumble upon rocks and stones along the way. i have no doubt that there would be an 'occasional' bump in the road - but i am all ready for it. i know i have to be, because i want to keep you. and i want to be kept by you.
i never imagined i would find someone i can call my own. i am so blesssed to have found you. if you were one of those occasional bumps in the road then i am glad i took the road less travelled. i am glad that there was a detour - i know i only meant to enjoy the scenery while i am in that place, i never thought i would actually be given all the reason to stop...
as maya angelou said: we begin to stop in order to simply begin again.
thank you for being my first and last, for being my beginning, and for making me feel that nothing would ever end.
i love you, Mine.
today
today, the 8th of july 2008, is our 19th month together.
today, i realized how much we both have gone through - how much we have sacrificed and offered.
and today, i realized that both of us can and will give so much more - much more of the love and patience and understanding that we had with us when we were just starting. and i know that even without having to ask her about it or hearing her say it.
i know that because my heart is fastened to hers, because my life makes more sense now than it did when i was on my own, because i know within my soul that she is the one.
she is the one because i want her to be. she is the one because she is with me. and i am keeping her.
it is because of her that my love knows no bound. it is because of her that i know i will keep on trying to be a better person - to make myself worthy of having her. it is because of her that i know there is no pain greater than not seeing her gaze aimed at me when i wake up in the morning. it is because of her that i know i can withstand and overcome anything - because i have her to think of now.
i know that there are no perfect sunsets. that things would have a blemish or two - regardless of which side you are actually seeing. i know that we cannot have everything (where would you put them!?). i know that no matter how hard we try - our imperfections as individuals are meant to affect an instant, an experience, and much worse - a lifetime.
i know that there are no perfect sunsets - and it does something - it scares me. all because i know i could never be everything to her. but i have her now, and i have this very second to be grateful for being with her, for being the one she calls 'Mine.' we may not be perfect, our relationship might not be 'argument free,' but i am going to stick with her because i know that it is what i am supposed to do. and that is - to love her today, and the rest of my life.
there are really just some things that we cannot do anything about. but what i can do right now, or actually, after writing this - is to ask her to read it. and let her see just how much of myself i am willing to give, to change, to offer - so that i can be with her, so that we both will know that nothing of that which we have done in the past nineteen months will ever be forgotten or wasted.
Nosh -
you are the reason i know i can survive a day, even when the sunset is not perfect. because when i look at you, i remember the truth that clouds will always be broken and parted - but you are that silver lining. you are all that keeps me hopeful and sane. you are my constant, my touchstone. you show me the light in my shadow. you make me realize that i am a good person by simply staying with me and loving me the way you do.
i have never loved anyone as much as i have loved you. i never even thought i could love again. but thank you for showing up in my life. thank you for making me feel that i can breathe and live again.
most of all - thank you for never forgetting why we both are here now - because we are each other's fortress. because we have created an 'us.' because we are not going anywhere without each other.
ever since you, i have found all meaning and reason to live.
i hope to give you the exact same thing.
i love you, Mine. i am so blessed to have you.
MARRY ME.
you can post a comment when you are done reading this. :)
today, i realized how much we both have gone through - how much we have sacrificed and offered.
and today, i realized that both of us can and will give so much more - much more of the love and patience and understanding that we had with us when we were just starting. and i know that even without having to ask her about it or hearing her say it.
i know that because my heart is fastened to hers, because my life makes more sense now than it did when i was on my own, because i know within my soul that she is the one.
she is the one because i want her to be. she is the one because she is with me. and i am keeping her.
it is because of her that my love knows no bound. it is because of her that i know i will keep on trying to be a better person - to make myself worthy of having her. it is because of her that i know there is no pain greater than not seeing her gaze aimed at me when i wake up in the morning. it is because of her that i know i can withstand and overcome anything - because i have her to think of now.
i know that there are no perfect sunsets. that things would have a blemish or two - regardless of which side you are actually seeing. i know that we cannot have everything (where would you put them!?). i know that no matter how hard we try - our imperfections as individuals are meant to affect an instant, an experience, and much worse - a lifetime.
i know that there are no perfect sunsets - and it does something - it scares me. all because i know i could never be everything to her. but i have her now, and i have this very second to be grateful for being with her, for being the one she calls 'Mine.' we may not be perfect, our relationship might not be 'argument free,' but i am going to stick with her because i know that it is what i am supposed to do. and that is - to love her today, and the rest of my life.
there are really just some things that we cannot do anything about. but what i can do right now, or actually, after writing this - is to ask her to read it. and let her see just how much of myself i am willing to give, to change, to offer - so that i can be with her, so that we both will know that nothing of that which we have done in the past nineteen months will ever be forgotten or wasted.
Nosh -
you are the reason i know i can survive a day, even when the sunset is not perfect. because when i look at you, i remember the truth that clouds will always be broken and parted - but you are that silver lining. you are all that keeps me hopeful and sane. you are my constant, my touchstone. you show me the light in my shadow. you make me realize that i am a good person by simply staying with me and loving me the way you do.
i have never loved anyone as much as i have loved you. i never even thought i could love again. but thank you for showing up in my life. thank you for making me feel that i can breathe and live again.
most of all - thank you for never forgetting why we both are here now - because we are each other's fortress. because we have created an 'us.' because we are not going anywhere without each other.
ever since you, i have found all meaning and reason to live.
i hope to give you the exact same thing.
i love you, Mine. i am so blessed to have you.
MARRY ME.
you can post a comment when you are done reading this. :)
XXV
Yes, I was in a hiatus – I was on vacation with Nosh – and yes, as the subject suggests, I just turned 25. My apologies if I don’t get to always update my blog. Nothing much has changed. After my leave, my boss asked me how my birthday was – and I told her: ‘Just another day, I just aged another year.’
If there is one thing I consider to be an injustice – it’s the freakin’ climate. I mean come on! Why does it have to rain on the one parade I get?
I think that as we age, we either get bolder or get more daunted by the things that we don’t have any control over (by this I mean – wrinkles, crow’s feet, freckles, warts – you name it). I don’t really know what to feel about being twenty-five. I still feel normal (scares the sh*t out of me that I had to write ‘still’ before the word ‘normal’). I would like to believe that I am growing to be a better version of myself.
I am not about to contemplate on the immensity of the universe – that’s just too intense and I would like to think that I would live long enough to do that another day (or year). I, on the other hand, would like to contemplate on and would like to share 25 random things about me – or about what has happened the last 25 years.
1. Every time I borrow a box of matches, I feel compelled to read the design and the details. ‘Royal safety matches’ says that one box contains an average of 48 sticks. I always have wondered if it’s true but never really counted.
2. I am guilty as charged. I was the one who asked Nosh out. I casually asked her one fateful October morning if she would like to get coffee with me and then wrote my number on a 1x1.5 yellow post-it. She never answered my question and never tried to send me a message just to let me know if it’s (the coffee session) looming in the horizon. I ended up splurging money on clothes to compensate for my defeat.
3. I am a self-proclaimed hopeless incurable romantic and a self-confessed X-Phile.
4. I have a huge crush on Angelina Jolie. Nosh and I watched the film ‘Wanted’ on my birthday. And just when the movie was about to start, I turned to Nosh and quipped: ‘Sorry if I won’t be glancing at you too much, I’ll be ogling at my first love.’
5. My dad passed away almost 11 years ago, and was buried the day before Christmas Eve. It was hell. For the next year and a half after his death, I would cry myself to sleep every night. Now, I can only remember how great he is and was as a father – he taught me how to swim, how to play domino, how to play fair, and how to go after the things that make me happy. I love you, Daddy.
6. I like hanging out in Powerbooks and Fully Booked because I can read materials that are just too expensive to buy.
7. The last book I read was ‘What God Wants’ by Neale Donald Walsch.
8. I have more books than clothes.
9. Three years ago, I had 7 ear piercings and a tattoo. To date, I have 3 ear piercings and 6 tattoos.
10. I was in love with my guy best friend for 7 years – I stopped because I felt like a ‘phase’ in his life, an ‘aberration’ if you may. So off goes the 7 years that I never could take back.
11. I have always believed that we do not know what we have until we lose it.
12. I love opening a book and smelling its pages.
13. I have a penchant for erotic poetry. I guess it is true when my best friend Monette said that all writers are erotic.
14. I can sing and I can play the guitar and (a bit of) piano, but I know I need to be better at it.
15. I don’t loathe my job…but I sometimes just feel so suffocated, so tired, so stressed out…that I want to go and ask our Business Head (the boss of all bosses, the head honcho, the big cheese, the overlord of the Ventus universe) if I can smoke in my pod. Because that would be really nice.
16. I create postcards for Nosh – and I love it that she posts them on the refrigerator.
17. The book I never finished (but would like to) is Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrence.
18. I love Audrey Tautou but I just don’t like the fact that she couldn’t properly enunciate the phrase ‘papyrus scroll’ in the movie ‘The DaVinci Code.’
19. I puffed my first cigarette when I was 12…9 years later (at 21), I developed a smoking habit – I have a job and can pay for my vices.
21. I know that love does not conquer all, we can, however, conquer and overcome anything that we want to. We are the masters of our lives, we pull our own strings. We are not marionettes (but if someone would need to pull my strings for me, please God, let it be Angelina Jolie).
21. I have always felt that I look like one of the Muppets – maybe Ms. Piggy. Or Elmo. I like Elmo. But if I’d be Elmo, I’d probably be black.
22. I have a thing for Chinese-collared jackets. I have two in black, one in forest green, one in light brown and another in dark brown. Makes me feel like a biker chick. Tell me about it.
23. To be yourself is all that you can do – says Chris Cornell. Amen.
24. I think that the sexiest attribute in any person would be a take-charge character and the ability to laugh at his/her mistakes (or clumsiness, awkwardness) – or to humor oneself. Totally irresistible.
25. I am thrilled with the person I am becoming.
Here's to not losing the enthusiasm to grow a little older every year!
If there is one thing I consider to be an injustice – it’s the freakin’ climate. I mean come on! Why does it have to rain on the one parade I get?
I think that as we age, we either get bolder or get more daunted by the things that we don’t have any control over (by this I mean – wrinkles, crow’s feet, freckles, warts – you name it). I don’t really know what to feel about being twenty-five. I still feel normal (scares the sh*t out of me that I had to write ‘still’ before the word ‘normal’). I would like to believe that I am growing to be a better version of myself.
I am not about to contemplate on the immensity of the universe – that’s just too intense and I would like to think that I would live long enough to do that another day (or year). I, on the other hand, would like to contemplate on and would like to share 25 random things about me – or about what has happened the last 25 years.
1. Every time I borrow a box of matches, I feel compelled to read the design and the details. ‘Royal safety matches’ says that one box contains an average of 48 sticks. I always have wondered if it’s true but never really counted.
2. I am guilty as charged. I was the one who asked Nosh out. I casually asked her one fateful October morning if she would like to get coffee with me and then wrote my number on a 1x1.5 yellow post-it. She never answered my question and never tried to send me a message just to let me know if it’s (the coffee session) looming in the horizon. I ended up splurging money on clothes to compensate for my defeat.
3. I am a self-proclaimed hopeless incurable romantic and a self-confessed X-Phile.
4. I have a huge crush on Angelina Jolie. Nosh and I watched the film ‘Wanted’ on my birthday. And just when the movie was about to start, I turned to Nosh and quipped: ‘Sorry if I won’t be glancing at you too much, I’ll be ogling at my first love.’
5. My dad passed away almost 11 years ago, and was buried the day before Christmas Eve. It was hell. For the next year and a half after his death, I would cry myself to sleep every night. Now, I can only remember how great he is and was as a father – he taught me how to swim, how to play domino, how to play fair, and how to go after the things that make me happy. I love you, Daddy.
6. I like hanging out in Powerbooks and Fully Booked because I can read materials that are just too expensive to buy.
7. The last book I read was ‘What God Wants’ by Neale Donald Walsch.
8. I have more books than clothes.
9. Three years ago, I had 7 ear piercings and a tattoo. To date, I have 3 ear piercings and 6 tattoos.
10. I was in love with my guy best friend for 7 years – I stopped because I felt like a ‘phase’ in his life, an ‘aberration’ if you may. So off goes the 7 years that I never could take back.
11. I have always believed that we do not know what we have until we lose it.
12. I love opening a book and smelling its pages.
13. I have a penchant for erotic poetry. I guess it is true when my best friend Monette said that all writers are erotic.
14. I can sing and I can play the guitar and (a bit of) piano, but I know I need to be better at it.
15. I don’t loathe my job…but I sometimes just feel so suffocated, so tired, so stressed out…that I want to go and ask our Business Head (the boss of all bosses, the head honcho, the big cheese, the overlord of the Ventus universe) if I can smoke in my pod. Because that would be really nice.
16. I create postcards for Nosh – and I love it that she posts them on the refrigerator.
17. The book I never finished (but would like to) is Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrence.
18. I love Audrey Tautou but I just don’t like the fact that she couldn’t properly enunciate the phrase ‘papyrus scroll’ in the movie ‘The DaVinci Code.’
19. I puffed my first cigarette when I was 12…9 years later (at 21), I developed a smoking habit – I have a job and can pay for my vices.
21. I know that love does not conquer all, we can, however, conquer and overcome anything that we want to. We are the masters of our lives, we pull our own strings. We are not marionettes (but if someone would need to pull my strings for me, please God, let it be Angelina Jolie).
21. I have always felt that I look like one of the Muppets – maybe Ms. Piggy. Or Elmo. I like Elmo. But if I’d be Elmo, I’d probably be black.
22. I have a thing for Chinese-collared jackets. I have two in black, one in forest green, one in light brown and another in dark brown. Makes me feel like a biker chick. Tell me about it.
23. To be yourself is all that you can do – says Chris Cornell. Amen.
24. I think that the sexiest attribute in any person would be a take-charge character and the ability to laugh at his/her mistakes (or clumsiness, awkwardness) – or to humor oneself. Totally irresistible.
25. I am thrilled with the person I am becoming.
Here's to not losing the enthusiasm to grow a little older every year!
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