the other day, as i finished doing groceries, i decided to get myself a cup of coffee and just watch people come and go. i sat at starbucks in moa for a good hour or so. i didn't want to move. i didn't want to do anything else. i didn't even want to think.i just wanted to have silence sink in my thoughts and plague my mind with it this time. which is odd. as i usually am the kind who would always 'think' no matter what. it was new, it was refreshing. it was surprising that i have allowed myself such silence. i just wanted to check whether i can still allow myself to be still and quiet - when everything and everybody else - seemed to be in a rush, seemed to be in constant movement.
and in my silence i craved for one voice - yours. in my silence i was all the more convinced i could give everything up save you, save what we have built and what we have created. at the end of it all, i just wanted to be alone with you. i just wanted to feel you close to me again and be held by you and be told that you are hanging on to us regardless of what has been said or done.
i realized i was not in it for the silence. i realized i meant to be still and voiceless so i can hear nothing and nobody else but you. and i was content with that notion, i was happy to have realized that silence would mean being closer to you. that silence would mean finding you again, finding us, finding the things that we long have fought the world for.
i never meant to be such a difficult person, i never meant to make you feel that you are not being heard or that you will not be understood. i really only waited for that clarion call. and true enough - in the silence of silences - i found myself wanting you deeply. i found myself loving you ever more - for the things that you hold for me, for the things you believe in, for the things that brought you and i this far.and i know we have a lifetime to learn and discover a lot of other truths about each other. for now, i am simply grateful that amidst pain and fury i am still able to discern what truly is important for me - you, this, us.
so let me keep you warm and share this cup of coffee with you. you know that ever since you i never looked at coffee the same way again. it is one of those things that really brought you and i closer. and i am glad to have overcome my overindulgent self (when it came to drinking alcohol) - as i have always told you, you did save me. you have saved me from a lot of things - including myself - all because we started to hang out more and i suddenly have that one person who'd listen to me rant and it felt like coffee sufficed. until such time i stopped craving for tequila or gin.
so hear me, when i say, that even in silence i meet with you at crossroads we vowed to see each other. hear me when i say that even in silence i am enveloped by the love you hold for me and the belief that we are never going to be alone in loving. that we will always have each other, no matter what, no matter how painful things get...we will resurface with much more love to feel for one another.
if there is anything i ask of you right now - it is to give me a chance, as many chances as you could - to prove you what we have is worth a shot, and it will always be worth something. please do not stop loving us. please do not stop falling in love with me - even when i am stubborn and i can be childish and a challenge at times. let us give each other a reason everyday to never stop trying.
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