earlier, before she went to work and before i watched her wave goodbye to me and say i love you, i had a heartrending conversation with my lifetime.and amidst the occasional crack in my voice and the tears in my eyes, i was humbled by the experience - and the reality - of one total surrender. i admitted that i fear so much. that i fear i wouldn't know what else to do should what we have fail or end or meet its demise.
and she knows her seeming limitless capacity to pacify me - she said: 'i will never leave you.' and reminded me how i have told her months ago, at the onset of our relationship that i promised to never allow her to live her life alone.
and i stand here, my heart ever so resolute, keeping the same vow - to give more and offer as much as i could of myself, so she may never have to question whether she deserves all that she has sowed. there couldn't be another direction to go, save toward giving more so we never would feel that something need be taken away from us.
i can no longer imagine not having to share each waking second with her, not having to consider her when i become too conscious of my own breathing - convinced that i am able to do that still, after all those years i have suffered battling my own demons and misery - all because she is with me.
i have told a friend that when we are old and gray, what matters is finding someone you can sit down with under the parasol, someone you can talk to for hours and laugh with, someone you would want to read all the poems you have ever written to. that it is the conversations that allow us the most delicate of insights in another person's life. especially a conversation that happens even in the silence of both your souls.
conversations and arguments. suddenly the one person you are constantly at war with, the one you fight with and break hearts with has become the only one you would want to go through all that with. it matters that we find such a love - the kind that would be enough to make us remember the effort it took for us to get to this part of our journey. and suddenly, the one we cannot be with has become the one we can no longer be without.
and the one we fear losing ourselves to has become the one who will ultimately save us from the nagging, constant fear of ending up alone. i hope we all find such a person, such a love, such a lifetime. a lifetime built upon faith and mistakes being mended. a lifetime filled with ardor and passion and endless fire. a lifetime of chances and gifts and blessings.
a lifetime that gets us so high, we forget about our frailties and we are left with but one gaping void within us - the kind that can only be filled by her love.
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