ally mcbeal posted by imani , Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 7:50 PM, in Labels: freefall

my idea of doing something 'productive' when i am off from work would be: (a) reading a book, (b) watching TV and (c) getting hammered. i don't get to drink so much these days so what i did last tuesday is get myself a set of (fake) ally mcbeal DVDs.

and since last tuesday i think i have watched at least 10 episodes...considering that i have a job that demands so much of my time and attention and given that ally mcbeal is a courtroom dramedy...i think i've done well in understanding the dialogues in each episode and laughing at the show's hysterical humor.

i started following the series when i was in high school. monette and i would even tape the episodes being aired on channel 9 every tuesday so we can see bits and pieces of it the entire week and talk about mcbealisms, fishisms and cageisms.

i think the show fueled the already hopeless incurable romantic in me. i never have denied that i always have felt like ally mcbeal personified - i mean she's a fictional character and if she'd ever really exist i 'think' i'd be her...or she'd be me. only that i am a lesbian and i won't really talk too much about getting over a guy or picturing myself getting married to one - but then again there is something so universal about ally mcbeal's language - love is love no matter what you think of it. love encompasses everything.

there's just so much about calista flockhart's bubbly, frivolous, vulnerable alter ego that speaks to me. and honestly, she still does. i was writing on my datebook yesterday and i mentioned there that the character makes me want to go back to writing. not poetry. but prose. you know maybe i can try the stream of consciousness technique because that is really how i think and how i am when i talk. pretty much like what i am doing right now.

what i can relate to more than anything - as far as the character ally is concerned - is the fact that she does not have any qualms about looking for and seeking love. come on, there really isn't a lot of people who still has the virtue of chivalry in them so you're probably going to end up waiting for nothing if you just sit in the corner instead of asking someone out.

yes it is true that searching for love would require taking risks - but what the hell - sooner than later you will realize that you cannot just fill your life with conjuctions (ifs, buts, howevers)...you have to start braving the storm. it is always calm after the storm (or if you are at the eye of the storm). you never lose by loving. you only lose by holding back.

i remember - i used to watch the show too much back in high school that i started to pick up some of her idiosyncrasies - for example - dancing like ally or worst - dancing like that little imaginary baby. que horror. despite the fact that reliving the 'ally moments' ultimately brought back memories (cannot avoid them), it's good to reminisce a part of my life that really did lead me to where i am now. if it wasn't for the opportunities that i grabbed or missed, i would not be where i am, and possibly, would have lied to myself and lived a life full of questions.

at least now i can say that i may not be perfectly happy (who wants to be perfectly happy, anyway? happiness is so overrated) but i know what it is like to have stood in front of a loaded gun, which sometimes meant being hit or being lucky enough to dodge the bullets. i know what it is like to seize the day like it is my last because i was and never will be daunted to take chances.