i just heard the crushing truth - that my mother spends a fraction of her day praying that i will be 'normal.' that my identity is a phase, that soon i will realize i would like to have a family with a man.
but what is normal, really? it is so overrated. and it is just odd that the very person who gave birth to me thinks that i am anything but not normal - so what exactly does that say about her or my father? my mom even mentioned that had my father been alive, i would not hear the end of it - all because my dad is a disciplinarian.
if my dad had been alive, i know it would all be a breeze. who i am does not have anything to do with discipline. i am born this way. if my dad had been alive i know i would be loved - i am his favorite, and with his wisdom he will realize that nothing will change the fact that i am his daughter.
it is this unimaginable and excruciating hollow - to support a family that does not support, or at least respect who i am. it is not so much about 'choosing,' as you cannot choose your identity - it is inate, it is inborn, and your identity is inescapable.
sometimes i wish i can tell my mom her child had been my other cousins - who are straight - but are dreamless, useless bums and drug addicts. maybe it'll be a whole lot easier for her.
i do not need your prayers, mom. pray for those who do not have food to nourish their starving bodies - those who do not have a roof above their heads - those who lost a limb or something that would render them incapable of working.
johann wolfgang von goethe once said: 'if God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.' i will not let your hysterical cynicism get into me. i have not spoken like this to you or about you in my life until now. because i will not tolerate your discrimination - toward your own flesh and blood. i have done most of the things in my life - in the desire to please you and make you proud.
i am here because God wanted me here. i am here because God wants for me to fulfill something grand. i am here because you brought me here. i seek not your love or your understanding. i seek not your light or your motherly affection. what you just said totally extinguished the need for me to feel that. however, i know i deserve respect.
if you pray hard enough everyday i hope you will realize that i am God's creation as much as everyone else is. He loves without exceptions. i am blessed to know that God embraces all that i am.
1 comments:
hey dear...surprise..I don't have a blog! hahaha! anyway, I would like to share a quote to you: "The highest form of understanding is laughter and compassion." I have felt the "same" way with my mother when she wished for me to be other than what I was...pero ang magulang ay magulang...I opened my eyes that she only wish what she thinks is best for me..we may not agree at everything..I do get hurt by that but a parent who wishes something good for you is who she is- a mother who prays for your good and nobody else. Set your own stories aside and try to see your mother as just that- a loving mother =)
-teta
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