eros the bittersweet

peculiars

'i came to a place where the path emerged from the woods. in one direction lay home and everything i knew, unmysterious and ordinary and safe.'

penned by ransom riggs, miss peregrine's home for peculiar children is one such tale - it leads you to uncharted territories and opens new dimensions, whether metaphorically or literally.

i took the advice of my best friend jerlen (via our facebook group, 'booklust'). she said that the story is compelling and what's even more captivating are the odd pictures you'd find in the book. so off to the mall i went last week and found myself a copy from fully booked.

jacob is a 'regular' teenager whose life was dramatically altered when his grandfather died of unnatural causes. for years, his grandfather has told him of strange stories, mostly without proof, about having lived in a place where peculiar beings existed. everything went downhill when, on his grandfather's death, he saw odd apparitions and his grandfather's last words included finding a 'bird,' a 'loop,' an 'old man's grave,' and 'september 3rd 1940.'

unbeknownst to jacob, a grander plan has commenced and things beyond his wildest imaginings will soon be revealed to him. his grandfather's last words never did escape him, no matter how much he tried to shrug them off. and after getting the help of a psychiatrist, his father agreed to take him to a trip to cairnholm, an island off the coast of wales in the united kingdom. while he really did not realize what was waiting or what has been waiting for him there, it was only a matter of time before he would be introduced to a portal to go back to september 3rd 1940 and see those few who remain.

the story has a few surprises in it - the notion of finding love on a different plane or place, the author also dabbled a bit on time traveling, heroism at a point when you have lost all belief in yourself and that part of each of us that always yearned to be extraordinary - just that we are blinded by our own faults or that we, almost always, needed someone to tell us just how wonderfully strange we are.

it is something that i have enjoyed reading and i do make it a point to take a peek at the next few pages to check scary photographs, just to make sure i won't be taken aback when i flip them as i go on with the story. somehow, having read jacob's adventure with his peculiar lot, i realized that i have not grown old (too much, that is). i mean i think i have grown up, but there will always be a fraction of me that would want to remember being a kid, that fraction that needed, every once in a while, the capacity to believe that i am still worthy of such fun and adventure and that it is something i can will myself to go back to.

the new eros

i took a trip heading to the mall last friday, 27th july 2012, which coincidentally was our 23rd month together. tempus fugit. sweet.

i have been meaning to write about this for days but were confronted with either my body's ceaseless desire to sleep or the lack of power supply (just like last night).

as i was saying, i scooted as soon as my shift was over all in the hopes of getting myself another laptop. that same day, i sold my first laptop (a red hp mini netbook) to a friend of mine at work. after what seemed to be an endless battle between myself, my budget and what brand i wanted to get, i finally got myself a nice, sweet deal.

it was not as easy as i hoped it would be. i actually have been wrestling with the notion of upgrading my laptop for at least a month before i decided to let go of my wife's 28th birthday gift for me. jona did mention something which got me thinking - she said that 'you cannot allow yourself to think that gadgets have sentimental value.' and i could not have agreed more.

i got myself a samsung series 3 (300e4c-a03, to be exact) notebook. it came with a mailman bag (of the same brand), a pair of black usb-powered speakers (which i gave to my boss) and an optical mouse, which i decided to keep. since i have, for at least a year, been using a netbook, i thought to myself it would be good to get a 14" notebook instead.


this baby has a 2gb memory and a 500gb hard disk drive capacity. it came with a 60-day trial of norton antivirus (which is a staple, i think) and a windows 7 starter edition. it has a 14" anti-reflective HD LED display and according to the samsung website, it also has an anti-fingerprint, scratch-resistant finish. i just noticed that this machine is against a lot of things. matter of fact, it comes with a battery derived from samsung's anti-aging technology which 'ensures that the battery lasts 3x longer.'

it weighs a little over 2 kilos and the keyboard is definitely something i need to get used to. i have grown accustomed to the compact keyboard of my old hp laptop and when i first started using this, it felt as if my fingers were doing a little stretching every now and then. i opted to get a notebook since all the peripherals are already in one equipment and i can always bring phaidros (the pad) if i wanted something handy.

i spent at least an hour installing the usual (or necessary, for me, at least) files the moment i got home. that means mozilla (i am not a big fan of internet explorer), yahoo messenger, flash player and skype. the machine actually came with a pre-installed skype program, but for some reason, it just won't allow me to log in. so i uninstalled the program and downloaded a new version online. i just have not really had enough time to tinker through the built-in cyberlink media suite. who knows, it might just be something i would need when i create my mini projects.


overall, i only have had my new eros for roughly three days and everything seems to be working seamlessly. booting takes a little less than 20 seconds and even if i hook it up for half a day, the machine has managed to stay 'cool.' also, i'm glad that i got a darker shade of gray (i am unsure if this is too dark that you can already call it black), as the ones that i saw online were too colorful (and with colorful i mean yellow, orange, pink and green - which aren't my colors at all). this shade they call 'titan silver.' and indeed the machine is a titan in itself.

clean slate

last week has been a pretty busy week for me. i did not just deal with my team and fulfilled about 20 hours worth of mod functions...i did something that usually takes me months and months to accomplish - i cleaned my pedestal.

and every time i do this, i always get reminded of my best friend chai. the first time she handled me as a coach she came up to me (which i thought would be for some lengthy one on one session) and asked me to unlock my pedestal.

i didn't have an idea what she wanted then but when she saw it she immediately said she will not leave until i have fixed it. so i did.

her idea behind it is simple - un-clutter so you can free up some work space and move around easily. and in a more metaphorical sense, she said she also practices it regularly as if to unload herself of past burdens and things we keep unnecessarily.

ever since then i would panic when i look inside my pedestal and find that i am still harboring post its drizzled with my unintelligible handwriting, notepads that have been filled with my scribbles, pens and markers that have all been used up, highlighters that just won't highlight things anymore.

so last thursday i told myself that i would have to get rid of the daily panic i put myself through and decided to turn my pedestal upside down and down side up (and inside out too). here's what the first, second and third drawers of my pedestal look like now:





the last year

has been about waiting.

it has been about loving and lingering. it has been about our journey, our sacrifices, our distance, our tears.

but more than anything, the last three hundred sixty five days have been about keeping what we have alive, keeping what we have burning, and realizing every single second there is that nothing has been wasted.

i would not want to live the last year any other way. in another lifetime, i am sure i would still want you to be my partner-in-crime, my shock absorber, my sporadic nemesis, my best friend, my soul mate, my wife, the mother of our rohan.

for the past year we both have succeeded in laughing at the most mundane things, we both have succeeded in patching things up even after the worst of arguments. we have succeeded in wrapping each memory with nothing but desire, knowing that we were never alone, and that we will never be on our own.

what i want to really tell you is this, jona -

more than the sadness (or literally, being alone), in the last year i have challenged myself, i have surprised myself at what i can actually do, what i doubted (and possibly you did too) i could do. you have kept me going and have kept me sane (or have driven me insane, at times). but no matter has happened and no matter what will happen, i am assured that i have someone who will not let me down, i have someone who will always attempt to learn how to figure 'me' out, i know it can be challenging. i have someone who is proud of what we share and who is proud of me. i have someone who will fight for me and whose belief in my abilities is unwavering.

since i discovered my passion for written words, i have always made it a point to mark a moment - all by taking my pen and writing memories and visions and dreams down. i have never been this busy. as a matter of fact, i have been busier writing on your blog than on this one. hahahaha. though i only have posted (i think) two hundred plus sonnets of the three hundred and sixty five, i will see to it that you will always read something new in the next few weeks every time you visit your site.

so let me go back to that same road that took you away from me. and let me tell you that i will remain - that i will wait, that as much as i still could, exercise more patience, that i will be there until you emerge from oblivion and until i can hold you close again.

before you left, i promised that i will give you a sonnet for each day that we are not together. an entire year has passed, in a sense, we both have made that trip around the sun, this time, noting a different kind of anniversary. nothing could be more black and white. nothing could be more exact or precise. more than feeling a sense of accomplishment because i have proven i am still able to write, because you have prevented my brain from getting rusty, i feel that there truly is nothing i cannot overcome as long as your roses will be there to guide my fragrant remembering.

i love you, my lifetime. all my thoughts and wishes are for you.

telling time

this year has been about...spoiling. me, in particular.

my wife gave me phaidros, my new toy. my mom cooked my favorite dishes for me, my family was here to sing me happy birthday (while my sister was on skype), my friends threw a dinner and dancing party for me, i got my own birthday cake and...

this bunch came up with one of the biggest surprises -


they took the time and conjured a gift that truly is special. i have probably mentioned to one of them before that i have a penchant for collecting watches. and they probably have noticed that i usually go for the simple yet extraordinary designs.

i am still in awe of how they planned and how they all came up with such a birthday present. i have told them several times over that they have succeeded in spoiling me. but the sweetest thing really was the note that each of them gave me - saying that i deserve nothing but the best because with the team that we have built, they have experienced what it truly means to work together. one of them said that it's but a small gesture of appreciation for all the great things that our team has accomplished since i handled them.

but the team is not about me. i have had this job for a little over 8 years and have been handling people for at least around 7 years. and the key to making things happen is not to make it all about yourself. it is about developing others so they may be able to work independently. it is about showing them all the facets of self and team management and tying them all up with the idea that they belong in the team and they matter in the team. it is about knowing where to give credit when credit is due. it is about giving them all back the appreciation and pats on the back when it is given to you. it is about giving them an identity - while it is true that usually, the team behaves the way their captain behaves. but in the grander scheme of things, people will begin to have a greater sense of purpose not when you demand something from them, but when you show them how goals can be achieved so that they can demand something of themselves.

the best gift there is is to know that i have made a difference in their work life. that i have done something else to make them see what we do in a different perspective. and i am all the more humbled that again, i am in the company of people who place their belief and trust in me. special thanks to the following: migs, raf, reyn, chris, giselle, shena, arianne, jane, jeff, janey, perrie, joanna, mamu, rhona, claire, kathy, shin and joyce. you guys are rascals and i could not imagine our team functioning without your commitment and contributions, and of course, without the heart you put in the work we do as the expert group.

thanks, team t. you guys are awesome. more triumphs to come. :)

4th of july

not that we celebrate it here but i have more than enough cause to celebrate.

they say it is about twilights, fireworks, big bangs, freedom, worth, value, meaning.

i have found all that in one kind, infinite, generous soul. and i could not ask for anything more.

i know we have our own failures, our own shortcomings. that we have our own misgivings and sometimes we are a little too stubborn to acknowledge that they are there. but i would rather have that with you than somebody else. i would rather see you though there may be tears in my eyes than share an experience with someone else.

it is you who reminds me there's much waiting in this lifetime for me - and the thought of you being there, at the end of every road, on every turn, on every avenue - has sufficed and always will suffice.


i know i am a bunch of contradictions, that i sometimes drive you insane more than making you feel assured (and sane, of course!). but if you just love me a day longer i know i can prove that we are worth the wait, that we are worth the distance and sacrifices, that we are worth everything we have given up in order to gain that life together.

you are the reason i have held on for so long - the reason i have overcome my own fear of separation and loneliness. you are the reason i know i can go through days and years of that if necessary. because life isn't life without you. because midnights are void of warmth and of meaning without the notion of you.

i have asked this time and again, and i will not cease to ask you this until we are old and gray and we start to look 'unlike' ourselves - be with me, my lifetime. hold my hand and understand you will never be on your own, not ever, not again. discern that you fuel all my thoughts and these same thoughts i will chastise and offer up to you, my muse.

speck

on my birthday, i went to the mall with my cousin armed with the notion of scouring store after store in search for the perfect protective casing for phaidros.

after sifting through an entire wing for about thirty minutes and a 6-inch steak and cheese sandwich from subway, we found one, at a reasonable cost.

it is a slim folio from speck - what's nice about it is that it looks simple and posh on the exterior and interior. it has a leather finish, so i am assured i would not see a lot of fingerprints on the case itself. on the inside, there is a form-fitting cradle to see to it that the pad is in place. the lining is made of 'microsuede,' (according to the product information) or in other words, it is nice to the touch. also it is integrated with a magnet which activates the device' sleep and wake function.



the folio actually bends into several different angles to give its user the ease of viewing or typing using the ipad. this was what i was considering heavily (aside from the look, of course), because i didn't want to buy something that would not fulfill that function. i really did not get myself a gift for my birthday, so i suppose i would just count this as a present.

for a mere php 1, 650.00, i've just made my toy look 'trendier.'

demystefying brightness

so for this year, my wife opted to get me a gadget that i didn't think was at all necessary, but it's too cool anyone who'd pass up on it would be insane.

she got me a wi-fi enabled ipad2 with a whopping 64-gig memory. i thought that the ipad2 would be just as great as an ipad3, and i really do not understand all the fuss about the new ipad. the only differences are the screen resolution, the camera and the processor. i suppose it all boils down to how you really would use it and what you would install in it.


after debating with myself, i decided to christen my new toy 'phaidros,' which in greek translates to 'bright.' on its own, the device is awesomely challenging. it could present some issues, such as when you need to load movies and just won't take any format. everything has to be apple (or in this case, ipad) compatible. i wanted to continue with the 'tradition' of naming my things with greek monickers, so i thought phaidros would make such a cute cousin to my laptop, eros. and of course there's my phone kairos, and my external hard drive, which i named alexios.

as we all have come to know, apple, by definition, is 'zen.' my ipad came in a simple white box, approximately 9 inches in height x 7 inches in length. the box had a paper/cloth lining underneath, carefully stitched in place to (i assume) protect the very sensitive glass interface. and everything inside is either covered with a thin clear plastic or encased in yet another white box.

so there's the pad itself, then the usb cable, which of course you can use to either charge the device or update your pad files. then there's a 10-watt usb power adapter which then needs to be connected to a plug (which in turn, would need to be hooked up to another adapter, as our usual electrical outlet does not support it). inside a flat, little box, you will find a basic 1-page reference to what your ipad looks like and where its buttons are, then there is the paper-thin manual (which no one really would bother reading, not just due to the insanely small texts but that we'd rather discover what magic this device can do on our own) and a couple of apple stickers (which i love!!!). i still have not found a surface where i would like to use the sticker on.


a tip for those who wanted to get an apple device? be ready with an itunes software. for without it, you cannot upload anything on to your device. the good thing is that there are a lot of host sites that would allow you to download the application for free, as a matter of fact, you can go to the apple website - and in it, you'll find two versions of itunes - one for mac computers and another for window-based computers. when you try to fix what's inside your pad, itunes will ask you to first register your product (it would even ask you for the name of your pad, which i thought was sweet) and it will do the rest of the stuff for you. it will look into all your mac-compatible files - name it - pictures, music, videos - then it will synchronize everything.

and i mean synchronize. this sync thing is awesome. as a matter of fact, even if your devices (laptop and pad) aren't connected by the usb cable, itunes will automatically sync the files as long as both devices have are hooked up to the internet. now, that's a treat!

the next thing you have to consider is getting a file conversion application. i got 'aimersoft' from the web and the freeware isn't at all bad. i needed a converter for my video files and the final output had the application's watermark but i didn't really mind it. this application will let you choose between an hd and non-hd output format, which boils down to not only how good you want the resolution to be but how much memory you have on your gadget.


phaidros is roughly around two weeks old and you bet we have bonded. i have been going nuts about some of the cool apps you can download from the apple app store. i got some nice apps for writing, for downloading e-books, utilities (especially an alarm clock), games (i am in awe of this thing, the resolution is impeccable) and mind puzzles (sudoku, dominoes, scrabble, trivia, etc.).

i know there's still much to explore and i am very excited about it. this definitely is one of those times i feel it's okay to be a kid again, or a kid at heart for that matter.

officially

thirty minus.

then i remembered instances when people asked me about how young (or old) i am - to which i would simply say, twenty plus. then there came a time they wouldn't stop with one question. they would ask, plus or minus? until my answer became 'twenty something.'

well a few days ago, it became something totally undeniable. it felt like i could tell my age with temperature - in celsius, of course. i do not want to have to go through a conversion process in order to tell someone the fahrenheit equivalent.

yes indeed. last june 29th, i turned 29. and 30 or more people in my high school class have gone through or will go through the same thing. this year is our year. it is as if i am confronting a...frontier...or a wall. i am not quite sure. a big wall of...nothing. i actually do not feel as old. when i think about it, i try to simplify it - i just made another trip around the sun and it has been one hell of a year. i have seen and felt so many things (much of which i won't divulge because of explicit content hahahaha) and i know every year i am always at the onset or the precipice of what could be the best year of my life yet.

but this year, there was one thing i was able to keep at bay. that would be my annual depression. as i may have written on this blog years ago, i usually would go through this long period of depression - a phase where i would catch myself staring at blank spaces, or just staring at anything, quietly asking myself if i have achieved anything. if i have paid attention to everything i needed to pay attention to. if i have hailed moments that was worthy of thinking of and being grateful for.

my wife actually took the depression thing seriously and succeeded in keeping me preoccupied. there was a lot of skype-ing, writing and reading, but she sent me something really awesome. which i will deal with in another post. this one will solely be about me.

so what has the past year taught me?

it has taught me to be more patient and to expect less. it has taught me the power of prayer and of gratefulness, the redemption we experience from learning to forgive. it has taught me that bottom line is - everything entails hard work. if we want to succeed, we have to work hard to learn the things we would not normally consider learning. and i am talking about people, work, the tangible and the intangible. i have learned that there are things that we need to remove from the equation so we may give space to things that needed to be in the equation.

the last year has taught me of the power of waiting. and the contentment that came with it (which, i admit, took me a while to see). i realized that in order for me to be truly happy, i must take each day like a grain of salt, that i must not allow myself to be stressed out by everything or by anything that a year from today i would not even remember. i realized that happiness can be achieved when we know there is integrity in everything that we do. integrity to fulfill our own dreams, to follow our own will as long as it does not include having to step on someone's toes. integrity to always do what is right by looking deep within and realizing whatever it is that truly matters to us. to the universe we create for ourselves.

every time i age, i always go back to that day i lost my father. and in the last few years that has damaged the way i think of life. but today, more than anything, i knew i had to go through that so i may toughen up, so that i will realize my ability to overcome all struggles. so i may realize the need to be grateful that i am living. i suppose that this is true for everyone - the more we age the clearer the idea of our own morbidity becomes. and i am more enlightened now to believe that yes, i have accomplished some good things in my life. that yes, i am not wasting what i have been blessed with. that yes, i am breathing and you bet i am tasting every single moment of it.

the last year has taught me the gift of appreciation. that no matter how small or how huge an event is, we simply must learn to appreciate them - all because these things help us evolve. that is precisely the reason for all our learning - so we may evolve - into better versions of ourselves.
 

anais nin

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

t.s. eliot

i should have been a pair of ragged claws.

frida kahlo

i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return.