telling time posted by imani , Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 2:42 AM, in Labels: freefall

this year has been about...spoiling. me, in particular.

my wife gave me phaidros, my new toy. my mom cooked my favorite dishes for me, my family was here to sing me happy birthday (while my sister was on skype), my friends threw a dinner and dancing party for me, i got my own birthday cake and...

this bunch came up with one of the biggest surprises -


they took the time and conjured a gift that truly is special. i have probably mentioned to one of them before that i have a penchant for collecting watches. and they probably have noticed that i usually go for the simple yet extraordinary designs.

i am still in awe of how they planned and how they all came up with such a birthday present. i have told them several times over that they have succeeded in spoiling me. but the sweetest thing really was the note that each of them gave me - saying that i deserve nothing but the best because with the team that we have built, they have experienced what it truly means to work together. one of them said that it's but a small gesture of appreciation for all the great things that our team has accomplished since i handled them.

but the team is not about me. i have had this job for a little over 8 years and have been handling people for at least around 7 years. and the key to making things happen is not to make it all about yourself. it is about developing others so they may be able to work independently. it is about showing them all the facets of self and team management and tying them all up with the idea that they belong in the team and they matter in the team. it is about knowing where to give credit when credit is due. it is about giving them all back the appreciation and pats on the back when it is given to you. it is about giving them an identity - while it is true that usually, the team behaves the way their captain behaves. but in the grander scheme of things, people will begin to have a greater sense of purpose not when you demand something from them, but when you show them how goals can be achieved so that they can demand something of themselves.

the best gift there is is to know that i have made a difference in their work life. that i have done something else to make them see what we do in a different perspective. and i am all the more humbled that again, i am in the company of people who place their belief and trust in me. special thanks to the following: migs, raf, reyn, chris, giselle, shena, arianne, jane, jeff, janey, perrie, joanna, mamu, rhona, claire, kathy, shin and joyce. you guys are rascals and i could not imagine our team functioning without your commitment and contributions, and of course, without the heart you put in the work we do as the expert group.

thanks, team t. you guys are awesome. more triumphs to come. :)

4th of july posted by imani , Wednesday, July 4, 2012 at 4:46 AM, in Labels: freefall

not that we celebrate it here but i have more than enough cause to celebrate.

they say it is about twilights, fireworks, big bangs, freedom, worth, value, meaning.

i have found all that in one kind, infinite, generous soul. and i could not ask for anything more.

i know we have our own failures, our own shortcomings. that we have our own misgivings and sometimes we are a little too stubborn to acknowledge that they are there. but i would rather have that with you than somebody else. i would rather see you though there may be tears in my eyes than share an experience with someone else.

it is you who reminds me there's much waiting in this lifetime for me - and the thought of you being there, at the end of every road, on every turn, on every avenue - has sufficed and always will suffice.


i know i am a bunch of contradictions, that i sometimes drive you insane more than making you feel assured (and sane, of course!). but if you just love me a day longer i know i can prove that we are worth the wait, that we are worth the distance and sacrifices, that we are worth everything we have given up in order to gain that life together.

you are the reason i have held on for so long - the reason i have overcome my own fear of separation and loneliness. you are the reason i know i can go through days and years of that if necessary. because life isn't life without you. because midnights are void of warmth and of meaning without the notion of you.

i have asked this time and again, and i will not cease to ask you this until we are old and gray and we start to look 'unlike' ourselves - be with me, my lifetime. hold my hand and understand you will never be on your own, not ever, not again. discern that you fuel all my thoughts and these same thoughts i will chastise and offer up to you, my muse.

speck posted by imani , Monday, July 2, 2012 at 12:10 PM, in Labels: freefall

on my birthday, i went to the mall with my cousin armed with the notion of scouring store after store in search for the perfect protective casing for phaidros.

after sifting through an entire wing for about thirty minutes and a 6-inch steak and cheese sandwich from subway, we found one, at a reasonable cost.

it is a slim folio from speck - what's nice about it is that it looks simple and posh on the exterior and interior. it has a leather finish, so i am assured i would not see a lot of fingerprints on the case itself. on the inside, there is a form-fitting cradle to see to it that the pad is in place. the lining is made of 'microsuede,' (according to the product information) or in other words, it is nice to the touch. also it is integrated with a magnet which activates the device' sleep and wake function.



the folio actually bends into several different angles to give its user the ease of viewing or typing using the ipad. this was what i was considering heavily (aside from the look, of course), because i didn't want to buy something that would not fulfill that function. i really did not get myself a gift for my birthday, so i suppose i would just count this as a present.

for a mere php 1, 650.00, i've just made my toy look 'trendier.'

demystefying brightness posted by imani , at 3:02 AM, in Labels: freefall

so for this year, my wife opted to get me a gadget that i didn't think was at all necessary, but it's too cool anyone who'd pass up on it would be insane.

she got me a wi-fi enabled ipad2 with a whopping 64-gig memory. i thought that the ipad2 would be just as great as an ipad3, and i really do not understand all the fuss about the new ipad. the only differences are the screen resolution, the camera and the processor. i suppose it all boils down to how you really would use it and what you would install in it.

after debating with myself, i decided to christen my new toy 'phaidros,' which in greek translates to 'bright.' on its own, the device is awesomely challenging. it could present some issues, such as when you need to load movies and just won't take any format. everything has to be apple (or in this case, ipad) compatible. i wanted to continue with the 'tradition' of naming my things with greek monickers, so i thought phaidros would make such a cute cousin to my laptop, eros. and of course there's my phone kairos, and my external hard drive, which i named alexios.

as we all have come to know, apple, by definition, is 'zen.' my ipad came in a simple white box, approximately 9 inches in height x 7 inches in length. the box had a paper/cloth lining underneath, carefully stitched in place to (i assume) protect the very sensitive glass interface. and everything inside is either covered with a thin clear plastic or encased in yet another white box.

so there's the pad itself, then the usb cable, which of course you can use to either charge the device or update your pad files. then there's a 10-watt usb power adapter which then needs to be connected to a plug (which in turn, would need to be hooked up to another adapter, as our usual electrical outlet does not support it). inside a flat, little box, you will find a basic 1-page reference to what your ipad looks like and where its buttons are, then there is the paper-thin manual (which no one really would bother reading, not just due to the insanely small texts but that we'd rather discover what magic this device can do on our own) and a couple of apple stickers (which i love!!!). i still have not found a surface where i would like to use the sticker on.


a tip for those who wanted to get an apple device? be ready with an itunes software. for without it, you cannot upload anything on to your device. the good thing is that there are a lot of host sites that would allow you to download the application for free, as a matter of fact, you can go to the apple website - and in it, you'll find two versions of itunes - one for mac computers and another for window-based computers. when you try to fix what's inside your pad, itunes will ask you to first register your product (it would even ask you for the name of your pad, which i thought was sweet) and it will do the rest of the stuff for you. it will look into all your mac-compatible files - name it - pictures, music, videos - then it will synchronize everything.

and i mean synchronize. this sync thing is awesome. as a matter of fact, even if your devices (laptop and pad) aren't connected by the usb cable, itunes will automatically sync the files as long as both devices have are hooked up to the internet. now, that's a treat!

the next thing you have to consider is getting a file conversion application. i got 'aimersoft' from the web and the freeware isn't at all bad. i needed a converter for my video files and the final output had the application's watermark but i didn't really mind it. this application will let you choose between an hd and non-hd output format, which boils down to not only how good you want the resolution to be but how much memory you have on your gadget.


phaidros is roughly around two weeks old and you bet we have bonded. i have been going nuts about some of the cool apps you can download from the apple app store. i got some nice apps for writing, for downloading e-books, utilities (especially an alarm clock), games (i am in awe of this thing, the resolution is impeccable) and mind puzzles (sudoku, dominoes, scrabble, trivia, etc.).

i know there's still much to explore and i am very excited about it. this definitely is one of those times i feel it's okay to be a kid again, or a kid at heart for that matter.

officially posted by imani , Sunday, July 1, 2012 at 11:52 AM, in Labels: freefall

thirty minus.

then i remembered instances when people asked me about how young (or old) i am - to which i would simply say, twenty plus. then there came a time they wouldn't stop with one question. they would ask, plus or minus? until my answer became 'twenty something.'

well a few days ago, it became something totally undeniable. it felt like i could tell my age with temperature - in celsius, of course. i do not want to have to go through a conversion process in order to tell someone the fahrenheit equivalent.

yes indeed. last june 29th, i turned 29. and 30 or more people in my high school class have gone through or will go through the same thing. this year is our year. it is as if i am confronting a...frontier...or a wall. i am not quite sure. a big wall of...nothing. i actually do not feel as old. when i think about it, i try to simplify it - i just made another trip around the sun and it has been one hell of a year. i have seen and felt so many things (much of which i won't divulge because of explicit content hahahaha) and i know every year i am always at the onset or the precipice of what could be the best year of my life yet.

but this year, there was one thing i was able to keep at bay. that would be my annual depression. as i may have written on this blog years ago, i usually would go through this long period of depression - a phase where i would catch myself staring at blank spaces, or just staring at anything, quietly asking myself if i have achieved anything. if i have paid attention to everything i needed to pay attention to. if i have hailed moments that was worthy of thinking of and being grateful for.

my wife actually took the depression thing seriously and succeeded in keeping me preoccupied. there was a lot of skype-ing, writing and reading, but she sent me something really awesome. which i will deal with in another post. this one will solely be about me.

so what has the past year taught me?

it has taught me to be more patient and to expect less. it has taught me the power of prayer and of gratefulness, the redemption we experience from learning to forgive. it has taught me that bottom line is - everything entails hard work. if we want to succeed, we have to work hard to learn the things we would not normally consider learning. and i am talking about people, work, the tangible and the intangible. i have learned that there are things that we need to remove from the equation so we may give space to things that needed to be in the equation.

the last year has taught me of the power of waiting. and the contentment that came with it (which, i admit, took me a while to see). i realized that in order for me to be truly happy, i must take each day like a grain of salt, that i must not allow myself to be stressed out by everything or by anything that a year from today i would not even remember. i realized that happiness can be achieved when we know there is integrity in everything that we do. integrity to fulfill our own dreams, to follow our own will as long as it does not include having to step on someone's toes. integrity to always do what is right by looking deep within and realizing whatever it is that truly matters to us. to the universe we create for ourselves.

every time i age, i always go back to that day i lost my father. and in the last few years that has damaged the way i think of life. but today, more than anything, i knew i had to go through that so i may toughen up, so that i will realize my ability to overcome all struggles. so i may realize the need to be grateful that i am living. i suppose that this is true for everyone - the more we age the clearer the idea of our own morbidity becomes. and i am more enlightened now to believe that yes, i have accomplished some good things in my life. that yes, i am not wasting what i have been blessed with. that yes, i am breathing and you bet i am tasting every single moment of it.

the last year has taught me the gift of appreciation. that no matter how small or how huge an event is, we simply must learn to appreciate them - all because these things help us evolve. that is precisely the reason for all our learning - so we may evolve - into better versions of ourselves.

maleficent posted by imani , Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 3:28 AM, in Labels: something else

i found an interesting photograph of angelina jolie on yahoo.com today. they practically waved a slab of meat to a hungry pitbull (or not really) - but this picture is enough to make us wonder how the movie would turn out - more of how it will be polished. this actually is reminiscent of lady gaga's (mother monster) look, she started sporting 'nubbins' and accentuated her lovely bone structure and declared that she was 'born this way.'

i have no doubt at all that angelina jolie can pull something off like this - after all, she's always been our girl, interrupted. she will be playing the coveted role of maleficent, sleeping beauty's arch-enemy in disney's up and coming motion picture.

according to the news, the movie is slated for a 2014 summer release. this is definitely something i'll be looking forward to.

darkness and light posted by imani , Monday, June 18, 2012 at 12:52 AM, in Labels: freefall

they say the sky is always darkest just before dawn.

if that is the case then the sun is not exactly shining in my side of the world. it is the exact same dawn, breathing the exact same perennial air of loneliness i usually get just before i turn a year older. i feel like i have been walking, traveling, treading on that paved avenue for days at no end.

this time, the first thing i heard is not a knock on the door or the alarm clock reminding me to wake up, get my act together and prepare for work. it's a thunderclap.

and in exactly eleven days, i will turn twenty nine.

i do not feel "old" or "ancient." it is not that kind of feeling that pushes me to re-think and re-evaluate my life. it is the notion of whether or not i have actually lived it.

this pseudo-depression, as i would label it, started when my father passed away. i just turned fourteen the year he succumbed to heart attack which lodged him into a coma, the same day my mom was supposedly celebrating her 48th birthday. what happened was she spent it in the hospital, and for an entire week, my family and i split our time between visiting my father, going to school and taking care of the chores at home.

that incident gave me a front row seat to a person's humanity - in short, someone's existence and death. and every year after that, i feel this pang inside my heart, a vague sense of not knowing if i am living up to my dad's wishes for me and my family's expectations of me.

i get that gnawing pain regardless of what i have accomplished or what i can still accomplish. it is as if my heart gets broken once a year - thinking and somehow knowing that things will forever be different because our lives have taken an entirely different direction when we lost my dad.

i am not blaming dad for this, no. it is just something that i could never seem to shake, no matter how i keep myself busy and no matter what i do to get my mind off of the idea of growing old and not being sure if the life that i am leading made any difference in someone else's existence - if i was at all able to touch lives or make someone's day better or if i was able to affect change, one way or another.

i do not want to discount the fact that i now have someone who is as resolute and as unwavering as i could ever dream anyone to be - my lifetime - and i am grateful that she talks to me when i get quiet, or when she feels that i am lost in my own thoughts. i am grateful that she tries to find a way, a means to take me out of that solitary, lonesome space.

i am not sure when i will ever be able to live through a year or some days without ever thinking of my own inadequacy or my own incapacity, but i also do not want to waste meaningful days when i know someone is loving me and looking after me regardless of my pain or my mess or my shortcomings.

maybe the storm will cease when i start to appreciate that there are some things that i can place upon my shoulders, that there are some things that i need to learn, that there are some parts of me that need mending - and that i may be drawn to darkness to begin with but i should also look at the one shining her light upon me.

the stories they tell posted by imani , Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 3:55 AM, in Labels: something else

who would have thought that the skeletal system shows as much as, if not more tell-tale signs of foul play versus its fleshy and muscular counterpart?

who would have.

that is what the fox hit series 'bones' teaches us. or has been teaching us for seven seasons. i doubt that i was the only one to get lost in the scientific blabber jabber when i started following the show. it was one of those that was both daunting and entertaining to watch, but i have to say that it is more science than science fiction.

enter our two major protagonists - dr. temperance brennan, played by the enigmatic emily deschanel and special agent seeley booth, a role given to the former vampire, david boreanaz. they, along with the rest of the jeffersonian institution's lot of squints - experts in pathology, entomology, cartography and perhaps other sciences that i have not heard of - fight crimes to keep the streets of washington d.c. free from criminals (name it - psychos, murderers, crooked cops, sneaky bastards, twisted maniacs).

the nice thing about bones is that the chemistry between the leads are undeniable...to the point - seething hot. that's probably the icing on the cake. what i really like about it is that the show's creator, producers, writers and directors offer the audience something to learn. it is like discovery channel - only that you cannot wait for brennan and booth's next heart-warming scene. these leads are striking contrasts of each other - yin and yang, light and shadow, creation and destruction. some have compared them with mulder and scully - though i think this bit is approached differently in 'bones.'

it got me through a brief, dark period in my life - where i found myself hurrying to go home so i can get myself my 'treatment.' though i would watch four to five episodes in a day, it never felt like i would suffer an overdose of it. what it left me with was the total antithesis of too much - i was left craving for more of it - more of the science and more of the tension between the main characters.

the character of dr. temperance brennan was based on forensic anthropologist's kathy reichs' novels - but according to reichs, who also produces the tv series, it would be a prequel to the more 'mature' dr. brennan as depicted in her books.

one of my favorite bones episodes was from season two - where the serial kidnapper 'gravedigger' was introduced. and just last month, i started streaming episodes from season seven online so i could do some catching up. and dig this: bones and booth had a baby.

the previous season left us with one hell of a cliffhanger - bones' revelation to booth that she is pregnant with his child and fast forward five months - they are sharing a domicile (in bones' own words), creating a new life and new memories together - and still dealing with fresh dead bodies and/or long time dead bodies.

in the last two weeks, i have scoured perhaps three book sale branches to get myself copies of kathy reichs' novels - and i so far have acquired nine of maybe a dozen books - for a little less than php 700.00. not bad at all. i have a good feeling tempe (and emily!) will be mighty proud of me as i attempt to devour the science as understood, interpreted and presented in the brennan tome:

marry the night posted by imani , Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 12:30 PM, in Labels: freefall

which was what lady gaga did.

with perhaps 15,000 of her faithful minions in last night's final show at the sm mall of asia arena.  

i was there.

i am there.

i feel like i left a fraction of me exactly where she was.

i have never seen the filipino crowd 'obey' an artist the way she made the rest of us did.  we screamed, we hailed her name, we danced, we got off our derrieres, we put our paws up - when she asked us to.

it was like we were all in a trance.  i was in a trance.  i am still in a trance.

she is the consummate artist - her theatrical flair, her musical genius, her sheer talent, her undeniable ingenuity.  that, combined with the capacity of her crew - both onstage and the ones taking care of what happens backstage - left manila with one hell of a performance to remember.

she emerged from her 'castle' on a horse and the clamor for her name was so loud i know my eardrums popped before she even began her third song.  

she cursed and pranced upon the stage like a mad, wild woman.  oh, that she was.  and that she always will be.  she mused about betrayal and freedom and how she cannot tolerate homophobia and violence and hatred and gathered the crowd with her songs - some new, some old, all were unforgettable.  

she gave her audience nothing short of a spectacle - great choreography, great repertoire, innumerable costume changes (it felt like it, i lost count of the number of times she changed costumes), great live performance!

her voice was solid and it was something you cannot mistake to be somebody else's.  her speaking voice, however, was adorable.  it was husky and a little deep.  probably her italian roots has much to do with it.  or just like me - my voice would usually sound 'deeper' during the night.  do not ask me how or why.

she sang some of my favorites - poker face, just dance, paparazzi, alejandro, americano, born this way, you and i, bad romance - and many others that made last night's affair heart-pounding and blood-curdling.  all because i simply cannot fathom how a 26-year old performer who also wowed the crowd the night before could manage to keep herself alive and kicking for two full hours.  

it was undoubtedly her passion.  it was her desire to make sure each and everyone under that roof was dog tired at the end of the show.  it was this sweet, twisted need of hers to ensure that every single human being was having fun and will have much to remember.

she succeeded and has made her little monsters utterly and terribly happy.

when i got home, i was still humming the music to myself - even when i have a bitch of a headache and my ass hurt big time from all the dancing and the jumping.  

more to come as my brain recuperates (if it will cooperate with the rest of my body).  one thing is for certain -- there are moments and instances that one can easily shrug off.  this is not one of them. 

thank you for the wonderful ball, my lady.  hats off to you. :)

the lady is a tramp posted by imani , at 1:07 AM, in Labels: freefall

the erratic manila weather is driving everyone insane - save one - lady gaga. despite protests and vigils left and right, the show went on and we will rock again tonight!  i'm pretty sure she will give the word 'crazy' a totally new meaning.

she unveiled her born this way tour in manila last night and in a few hours, i'll be joining her and her minions for another night of artistry, theatrical flair and sheer musical genius!

i won't be writing much now, i'm really,really excited that i'll have a chance to see her perform tonight at the sm mall of asia arena.