searching posted by imani , Thursday, March 26, 2009 at 9:53 PM, in Labels: freefall

I am writing this using my sister’s posh laptop, inside my room, on my study table and surrounded by all my books – so yeah, this sort of makes me feel like I am a serious writer at work. Ahahah.

I still cannot sleep. I have ceaselessly looked for ways to entertain myself and exhaust my eyes but they just won’t give up…so this is the result – I have been up for at least 15 hours and my energy is inexorable.

On my last post, I mentioned that I have not been writing because I haven’t found the cause to sit down, contemplate and drive the keyboard mad. This is my attempt. So what do I want to talk about? Okay. Since I am sleepless, as the case is whenever I have work, which is weird because the very thing I need to properly function (I hope that does not make me sound or look like a keyboard function) is sleep – just imagine what sleep deprivation makes of me when I am at the office. I want to blabber about – the things that I do when I am not able to get a wink. No, I am done with counting sheeps and what have you – these days I am more ‘pragmatic’ in the sense that I make it a point I gain something out of whatever activity I devote my precious should-be ‘sleep hours’ to.

• I watch TV. I watch TV after maybe eating 2 plateful of rice – I have recently just signed up to be part of the social research to prove that eating and watching TV leads to more and more kids suffering from obesity. I was totally kidding. As my family and closest friends would attest – I am steadily at 100 lbs no matter what I do or what I eat.
• I cover my books. There are about 30 or 40 books (oh my God!) that I have not read – but no, I sometimes chose to cover the books I’ve got instead. Weird but true. Don’t worry. Things are just about to get weirder.
• I rearrange my books on the shelves. One point I tried to arrange them by author. Then I arranged them by genre. Now I am bored and I want to arrange them by color.
• What else – I clean my room. No need to expound, I suppose.
• I pick up the dictionary and look for at least 5 words – words that I am not familiar with and I plan to use in conversations during social gatherings. Today, I was able to get these 5 words:
  a. Silicosis – a lung disease caused by the inhaling of silica particles
  b. Insouciant – free from worry or concern
  c. Dinky – small and unimpressive
  d. Gyp – a swindle or a cheat
  e. Coon – racoon

Having mentioned all those words, now I am doubting my capacity to carry a good conversation at parties or dinner time. I mean, how the hell can I inject the word ‘silicosis’ without eliciting a projectile vomit from the person I am speaking with?

• Count my pens and my journals. If I have enough ‘inspiration,’ I also write a poem.
• Just look at my books or my movie collection – for a good 5 or 10 minutes. They just lay there, staring back at me.
• Desire to paint (watercolor). One time I had the impulse to paint only to find out that I ran out of watercolor paper.
• Drink coffee. Iced coffee. I know. It’s this sick little peculiarity exclusive to the women in our family. We like drinking cold coffee. As in instant coffee, sugar (whatever is available – if I have to go through one afternoon using Splenda then so be it), water and ice cubes. Then I chug away.
• Talk to my nephew about asteroids and how the asteroids created dents on the face of the moon, and how the asteroids could sometimes be bigger than the Philippines and how, if they’d hit us, we’d all be doomed to extinction. The last bit made my nephew’s eyes water. After which, I didn’t know how to take what I just said back so I flipped to a different page and discussed Neil Armstrong.

These are just some of the stupid things I do when I am without you, Mine. The world, my room, my bed is harsh and unforgiving when you are not around. I hope for nothing but to hold your face, kiss your hand, say I love you and tell you that your arms are my refuge.

written march 26, 2009