i am the rest between two notes which are somehow always in discord. ~ rainer maria rilke
i have been in isolation.
i have maintained this silence that almost maimed, almost crippled, almost killed me ~ all because my soul needed that room to process everything on its own and accept the things that has occurred. i at last have made peace with what fate has given me. and just when i thought it would all come to an end, i realized that there still are things that need to be done, feelings that need recognition. and the truth remains that ~ there are some things that need not be measured. that sometimes we must empty ourselves to make space for endings and beginnings, to see our endlessness and cease from gauging and quantifying. that patience is vital and necessary so we can begin to comprehend the greater things in this universe that surmount our logic. we are, after all, human. i have, after so much pain and disbelief, come to accept my fallibility. the shortcoming not of my spirit or what i can push myself to understand, but the frailty of my own reason and judgment.
it is an odd bookend, actually. i sought solitude and stillness and found my voice ~ it echoes in the hollows of my heart and it tells me that i am in a good place in my life. that i no longer should torment myself with questions, or beg for answers. or better yet ~ that not all questions deserve an answer. fate is teaching me to simply deal with the cards i have been handed.
now i am emerging. and have placed this thought in a better light: that the choices we make can either alter a moment or a lifetime. we are blind to the minute things we command, all because we think they are not elemental to the rest of our journey. matter of fact is that each decision we make is as significant as each breath we take. when we do not see the ripples of our actions, we fall victim to destiny’s injustice and blame the cosmos. reality is ~ a step, a word, a tick in the clock, a revolution ~ are all the same. they need not be calculated, because we all play our part in the grander scheme of things.
in spite of myself, this imperfect being is resolute in its desire to live this life with you ~ this instance, this very second ~ and all that which is left of it. this is for you ~ my sudden and unexpected delight, a sweet surprise, a gift i did not believe i am worthy of receiving.
the fire crackles and glows in the distance, embracing what we both have kept and held for one another. and with your footfall drawing closer and closer to me, i have finally understood why i had to have a part of me broken and mended in my own time.
because having you now tells me what faith truly is about ~ opening one’s soul to a detail so beautiful it shakes the very notion you have of color, happiness, effervescence, and quintessence. it shakes but never annihilates. it simply reminds you that there are things to hope for and look forward to.
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