COOKIE MONSTER SEARCHES DEEP WITHIN HIMSELF AND ASKS: IS MEREALLY MONSTER?
BY ANDY F. BRYAN
Me know. Me have problem.
Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Meknow it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me haveweakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me seedisapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.
When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't standlooking in mirror-fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infestedwith crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don'tthink me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies toomuch. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.
Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No oneelse called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't reallymonster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. HerryMonster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?
Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since whenit acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?
How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, butwho in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychologicaldisorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and mepretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster,despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsivetendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover-oh, what his name?-Elmo! Yes,Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No,they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! Heunnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster?Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist-woolly mammoths extinct. His veryexistence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthyobsession, but me no monster.
No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Melove cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone hassomething they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me?Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious.Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.
Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Menot supposed to be able to even talk.
Me no eat cookies.
Me destroy cookies.
Me crush cookies.
Me mutilate cookies.
Me make it so no one get cookies.
Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.
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