I am masochistic. Did that make me sound like a lunatic? I hope not. I really am not fascinated about physical pain, but I prefer it over emotional torment. Whenever I feel depressed, I have the tendency, not to lament about it, but maybe, say, get my ears pierced. So what I wear and what you see in me isn’t just for attracting attention. It is a form of expression, it’s a testament of a specific period in time I went through something in my life.
I know being depressed often isn’t really healthy and at one point I believed it would hasten my death of something. But that is just how I am made. Just this year, before I turned twenty-two, I was feeling nostalgic, always longing for the one person I no longer have – my father. I guess what hurts more is the truth that I am ‘aging’ or getting older, to subtly put it, and my father is not with us. I am growing old and he’s not there to see it. He won’t be around to witness anything – for as long as I live. So I did what I never thought I would do this soon…I got inked. Well, it was something I have always considered, and in a way, I also wanted to do something ‘major’ before I celebrate my birthday.
I had the Arabic word ‘Imani’ tattooed on my hip. It means ‘faith.’ It’s really important for me, it is something I emphatically would want to be reminded of, that I carry within me. The whole experience was cathartic. I know I was conquering my fear. I have always believed that we fear what remains unknown to us. Marking myself wasn’t at all peculiar. It wasn’t as if you would not or cannot imagine me with one, but people did not think I would get mine sooner than I had hoped.
Everything was premeditated. I mean I already know what I would like to put on my body but I never really felt the urgency to do it until some days before my birthday. And now that it is done, the funny thing is that I am not sure if I am over it. It is completely insane – for other people, but I know it is also completely justifiable. I couldn’t say that it was a spiritual experience, but then I couldn’t say that it isn’t.
My exact words after I had it were: ‘I feel totally aligned with the universe.’ And just like anything unattempted in life, we theorize, we consume ourselves thinking about something..like I was expecting that doing it would really, will tremendously painful. But the entire incident wasn’t what I initially had in mind. I think I underestimated my capacity to endure pain.
But that’s precisely the reason why I think I am a masochist.
written sept. 15, 2005
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