today is about posted by imani , Sunday, November 27, 2011 at 5:13 AM, in Labels: freefall

prayers. praises. wishes.

today is about quietly holding my heart up against the notion and reality of a lifetime and realize that there is nothing that it will not endure, if it means loving you.

i take this moment to be grateful for every day that you love me - my light and my dark, my triumphs and failures. thank you for your relentless capacity to love me, to love even the things about me that render arguments and inconsistencies. i know that deep within, you will never just let me falter - i know that you would want to be there and offer your hand to me in case i stumble.

thank you for having journeyed through the last fifteen months with me. thank you for sticking with me even when i drive you crazy and i always sleep on you. thank you for delighting in the dreams we make for the family we would like to have - things like these keep me going and they do their part to keep me sane. thank you for never ceasing to wake up with me every day, in any means possible. thank you for never stopping to tell me how much you love me, and how much more of this you would want to go through so we can remain together.

and as i lit candles for us today, i praised Him for His plans, for His vision, for His love for us and the little family we wish to make. i praise Him for giving us the faith and strength to see each other through this path we tread on, and to make us both realize that we will never be bound to any road on our own. that even with this distance we can hold each other's hands and embrace one another should there be sandstorms or starless nights.

i never failed to believe that a love as unwavering and full as that of ours will can withstand and bear these things - they are minute compared to what we can discern and what we can continue to understand in one another.

and though some days are still a drag and there are instances i still could not prevent myself from crying because i miss your face so much, because i miss knowing you are close enough for an embrace - i just always remind myself that there couldn't possibly anything better than loving you, and knowing you are there giving back everything so we both would never feel empty.

we will sustain this and my heart lives under the light of your gaze, and it will give you what it can so you may never fear again, so you may never have to feel you will be on your own, in anything you wish to unravel. my heart will keep yours aflame and it will be sustained by the same passion, need, desire and fire and i trust that we can go through every single day without ever feeling that we will run out of dreams and wishes and hopes to offer.

every time i wake up to days like this - days that remind me how long we have been together, i smile furtively and feel so blessed that i have been allowed to love you all this time. and after realizing how certain i am in keeping you and loving you, i can only look at and wish for more days and years to be spent with you, more days and years to be offered up to you, more days and years to love you without regret or end.

levity posted by imani , Monday, November 21, 2011 at 2:07 AM, in Labels: freefall

earlier, before she went to work and before i watched her wave goodbye to me and say i love you, i had a heartrending conversation with my lifetime.

and amidst the occasional crack in my voice and the tears in my eyes, i was humbled by the experience - and the reality - of one total surrender. i admitted that i fear so much. that i fear i wouldn't know what else to do should what we have fail or end or meet its demise.

and she knows her seeming limitless capacity to pacify me - she said: 'i will never leave you.' and reminded me how i have told her months ago, at the onset of our relationship that i promised to never allow her to live her life alone.

and i stand here, my heart ever so resolute, keeping the same vow - to give more and offer as much as i could of myself, so she may never have to question whether she deserves all that she has sowed. there couldn't be another direction to go, save toward giving more so we never would feel that something need be taken away from us.

i can no longer imagine not having to share each waking second with her, not having to consider her when i become too conscious of my own breathing - convinced that i am able to do that still, after all those years i have suffered battling my own demons and misery - all because she is with me.

i have told a friend that when we are old and gray, what matters is finding someone you can sit down with under the parasol, someone you can talk to for hours and laugh with, someone you would want to read all the poems you have ever written to. that it is the conversations that allow us the most delicate of insights in another person's life. especially a conversation that happens even in the silence of both your souls.

conversations and arguments. suddenly the one person you are constantly at war with, the one you fight with and break hearts with has become the only one you would want to go through all that with. it matters that we find such a love - the kind that would be enough to make us remember the effort it took for us to get to this part of our journey. and suddenly, the one we cannot be with has become the one we can no longer be without.

and the one we fear losing ourselves to has become the one who will ultimately save us from the nagging, constant fear of ending up alone. i hope we all find such a person, such a love, such a lifetime. a lifetime built upon faith and mistakes being mended. a lifetime filled with ardor and passion and endless fire. a lifetime of chances and gifts and blessings.

a lifetime that gets us so high, we forget about our frailties and we are left with but one gaping void within us - the kind that can only be filled by her love.

silence posted by imani , Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 11:27 PM, in Labels: freefall

the other day, as i finished doing groceries, i decided to get myself a cup of coffee and just watch people come and go. i sat at starbucks in moa for a good hour or so. i didn't want to move. i didn't want to do anything else. i didn't even want to think.

i just wanted to have silence sink in my thoughts and plague my mind with it this time. which is odd. as i usually am the kind who would always 'think' no matter what. it was new, it was refreshing. it was surprising that i have allowed myself such silence. i just wanted to check whether i can still allow myself to be still and quiet - when everything and everybody else - seemed to be in a rush, seemed to be in constant movement.

and in my silence i craved for one voice - yours. in my silence i was all the more convinced i could give everything up save you, save what we have built and what we have created. at the end of it all, i just wanted to be alone with you. i just wanted to feel you close to me again and be held by you and be told that you are hanging on to us regardless of what has been said or done.

i realized i was not in it for the silence. i realized i meant to be still and voiceless so i can hear nothing and nobody else but you. and i was content with that notion, i was happy to have realized that silence would mean being closer to you. that silence would mean finding you again, finding us, finding the things that we long have fought the world for.


i never meant to be such a difficult person, i never meant to make you feel that you are not being heard or that you will not be understood. i really only waited for that clarion call. and true enough - in the silence of silences - i found myself wanting you deeply. i found myself loving you ever more - for the things that you hold for me, for the things you believe in, for the things that brought you and i this far.

and i know we have a lifetime to learn and discover a lot of other truths about each other. for now, i am simply grateful that amidst pain and fury i am still able to discern what truly is important for me - you, this, us.

so let me keep you warm and share this cup of coffee with you. you know that ever since you i never looked at coffee the same way again. it is one of those things that really brought you and i closer. and i am glad to have overcome my overindulgent self (when it came to drinking alcohol) - as i have always told you, you did save me. you have saved me from a lot of things - including myself - all because we started to hang out more and i suddenly have that one person who'd listen to me rant and it felt like coffee sufficed. until such time i stopped craving for tequila or gin.

so hear me, when i say, that even in silence i meet with you at crossroads we vowed to see each other. hear me when i say that even in silence i am enveloped by the love you hold for me and the belief that we are never going to be alone in loving. that we will always have each other, no matter what, no matter how painful things get...we will resurface with much more love to feel for one another.

if there is anything i ask of you right now - it is to give me a chance, as many chances as you could - to prove you what we have is worth a shot, and it will always be worth something. please do not stop loving us. please do not stop falling in love with me - even when i am stubborn and i can be childish and a challenge at times. let us give each other a reason everyday to never stop trying.

a lifetime posted by imani , Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 12:26 AM, in Labels: freefall

i have just started another adventure, treading on probably the same path only with a new pair of eyes - this i offer to my wife, my best friend, my lifetime - jona.

when i cannot seem to remember anything but my shortcomings, you remind me just how keen i am to learn. when i cannot seem to think of anything but things i cannot ever gain, you remind me that there is much to endure but i will eventually get to where i want to be. when i cannot seem to imagine anything but pain, you remind me how far we both have gone to feel this happy.

this is just the beginning. i offer you all the steps i will take to bring you closer, to bring you back, to bring you and i together in the end. i offer you...

a lifetime of desire.

more posted by imani , Saturday, November 12, 2011 at 11:48 PM, in Labels: freefall

despite what seemed to be endless hits and misses, when we both would feel that nobody learns from anything, when we would deem that there couldn't be anything more overwhelming than a war of words that last for hours - i realized i want more.

i want more time with you, regardless if we are arguing or if we are too saccharine that ants seem to find their way across these pages. i want more sunrises and sunsets with you - but i tell you this, the best view remains to be what these eyes behold when the sky is too pale or too dark. i want more days with you when i can just hold your hand or embrace you - when something as simple as tucking your hair behind your ear would have sufficed anytime of the day.

and i want more of you. i know i never will stop wanting and needing you. i no longer fear this notion - of having to care for someone more than i could ever care for myself - just because i believe in us and just because i trust you and in both our capacity to take this as far as our dreams will take us.

and because of this i know i will never stop writing. the more i write the sooner you're coming home to me. it feels like that now. i no longer wallow in loneliness thinking or counting the days ahead, instead i wait patiently and write about you and bask in every possible incarnation of what we have. it matters not how your image and voice was conjured, the only thing that holds meaning is the fact that i love you and you belong with me.

aftermath posted by imani , Friday, November 11, 2011 at 11:06 PM, in Labels: freefall

i argue with my own thoughts - on what i could have missed to make you feel that you fuel everything that urges me to write. ever since the onset of this being we call 'us.' actually, this has been the truth long before we even began.

and after ages of tears and hurt and misunderstanding, i stand here, ready to prove you the inevitable and plausible. there hasn't been any other truth in my life, save you.

though i know i have disappointed one time too many, here is what i offer - an aftermath of failure - which is the certainty to be with you, to show you that i can learn, to show you that i will try my hardest every day to be worthy of the love you have given me.

to be worthy of the things you have revealed only to me. i know that we have histories to overcome and a different set of truths - as we have existed before this lifetime - but it never will negate the truths we will discover together, long as we keep treading the same path and as long as we decide to remain in this.

we are in the middle of a fire and i will not let go of your hand. i will endure all these with you, even when some have lost its meaning and some just feel futile. as long as you allow me to be with you i will never stop trying to be better. so i hope you never will tire of being patient and forgiving.

and we both never will stop loving, or believing in the love we hold for each other, even when things are too painful to comprehend sometimes. everything is a choice - to linger, to remain, to withstand. and we wrestle with that option - to walk away or to stay. and when i long have accepted i fall short on so many other things, i have always been resolute in loving you and taking care of you. i always have been desirous in giving all i could to be with you for a lifetime.

i no longer surprise myself, when each and every time i feel like i have stumbled upon what seemed to be an impasse, i find more and more reason to keep pushing and loving you all the more. because with you i know i can never be empty.

waves that rest on your shore posted by imani , Monday, November 7, 2011 at 2:06 AM, in Labels: freefall

i know that it gets redundant sometimes when we argue and we kiss and make up only to argue again.

but love, please believe that my heart desires nothing but to hold your hand and kiss your face even when we are in the midst of a battle (if you’d want to call it that).

and earlier i just realized how a glance or a smile can turn the bloodiest of conversations into…nothing that matters more than what we have for each other – a love that is grounded in faith and one that is unshakeable.

thank you for never ceasing to catch me when i fall into the pit of silence. it is because of you that i intend to mend every second of every minute lost because of things we did not clear out.

it is because of you that i intend to square my shoulders to the rest of the world because i know that we are worth it and so much more. i am standing against the current – of all those who does not believe in us or would not attempt to understand what we have. and i gain the fortitude to do that from the one light that has never stopped beaming – you.

i love you.


note: i found this as a draft in my e-mail, written early august of 2010. i suppose i was 'dreaming' that my pseudo-arguments with you meant something more.

that first cup posted by imani , Sunday, November 6, 2011 at 1:35 AM, in Labels: freefall

it is that time of the year again - when this particular coffee company manages to create a craze - all for a posh but i would have to say pretty useful planner. yes, i am talking about starbucks. and it happens to be home to my favorite iced tall mocha (or short, no foam latte or venti strawberry frappuccino, depending on my mood or on the occasion).

they used to have another blend which i really, really favored - it was mango tea frappuccino - and i remember i would sit with my best friend at our favorite branch (in manila pavilion, united nations avenue) talking about anything and everything and loving how it gave me this fruit salad-like aftertaste and stopped getting monette the same thing when she had tummy ache after drinking it. that branch no longer exists and has since been replaced by another store, mrs. fields.

every year, sometimes they start late october or early november, people would begin to crowd every imaginable starbucks branch within three miles of my radar in pursuit of such a planner - which usually comes with posh, little mementos, like a pencil or a pen with the name 'starbucks' etched on it. but what i really love best would be the coupons that give its most loyal partisans discounts on coffee and other freebies, which of course, still relates to coffee.

they say that going to their shop and getting that cup of coffee - done however you want it - is a tradition, and i won't beg to differ. it also has become a lifestyle. it is insane how their coffee (depending on the size and blend) would cost more than two kilograms of rice and a decent viand here in the philippines - but what can you do - people, to some point, and yes it does include me, work their ass off so at the end of the week or during payday, we can all go out and treat ourselves to a nice cuppa joe.

that is if you have been sober and if going to bars isn't really your scene. yes, i was pertaining to myself when i made that note. i haven't been drinking for a little over a year (thanks to my wife) and i never was a big fan of crowded bars where there is nothing to find but faceless strangers making out and clouds upon clouds of smoke. i, myself smoke and i have been trying to cut on the ciggies so i won't exactly be helping myself if i hang out in a place where i would die sooner because of second hand smoking and not because of my own vice.

yesterday, in the company of two close friends, we sought and found comfort in starbucks moa. i got myself a tall toffee nut latte (which happens to be my favorite holiday blend). i was excited but was suddenly confronted by the challenging need to decide - on whether or not i should give into buying a frappuccino instead. i succumbed to getting a warm (that adjective was actually an understatement - my coffee was scalding) cup instead, due to the weather.

so year after year, no matter how mad their coffee costs, i still line up and feel excited to fill this holiday card so after twenty or so cups, i can get the planner. there was a time when, i think two or three years ago, i was able to fill out three cards all on my own - the other two i ended up giving to my sister and cousin as christmas presents.

i did try 'liking' their peppermint mocha blend which tasted like cocoa with mouthwash, so i stopped after asking for it twice. outside of their usual holiday mania, i usually go to starbucks to sit and listen to music and write every week, that is if i have enough sleep or enough energy to even pick myself up from my bed. when i stopped drinking alcohol, i sought a different addiction - coffee - which has been reported to contain a good dose of antioxidants which help prevent cancer and heart disease. and i find that last bit odd because a shot or two of espresso is actually enough to make a medium-built person palpitate.

coffee always have been part of my daily routine. though there would be days when chugging a bottle of energy drink would suffice to keep me awake, i don't suppose i have actually lasted a day without fixing myself coffee. i drink more coffee than water, which drives my wife crazy (and maybe it does the same to my bladder), i am hooked to it that i am already thinking of starting a campaign to make my birthday an official holiday in brazil. or maybe i can just go to japan every october 1st and be honored for being an aficionado.

what a woman needs posted by imani , Saturday, November 5, 2011 at 9:50 PM, in Labels: freefall

a few days back, when i took a 2-day hiatus from work, i wanted to preoccupy myself. and i thought - what better way to do that but to clean my room. or a part of it. actually, half of it. i don't have a picture of what it looked like then, but here's what it looks like now:

since my wife left, i hardly found the time (because i often stay at their house during my rest days) and energy (because i am overwhelmed by the sudden feeling of emptiness) to clean it. so yeah, for about three months i was infected by a serious lethargy strain - i watched my shelf gather dust, i saw my books choke (they have feelings too and anything can happen), i let my study table hold anything and everything - clothes piled up, stuffed toys sat on the clothes that were piling up, papers, documents, bills, payslips, magazines. name it. just not work stuff. i try my best never to take work stuff home. if i do, i would soon forget about it and it would rot inside my bag until it's time that i come back to work.

i don't know what it was, maybe it was jona's ceaseless request that i fix my room or maybe my body felt like it needed to sanitize what it is surrounded with. i cleaned my room around 10 o'clock in the evening and the marathon lasted until 5. crazy body clock. before that, i went to the mall to get myself a few things (or armor, or ammunition, whichever applies) before i start cleaning my space. it wasn't until i stayed up all night to throw away years and years of mementos and things i have kept for reasons i can no longer remember - from old mags to newspaper cutouts, receipts (for some of my books), paper bags from bookstores, empty perfume bottles to one year's worth of chapticks (that translates to 24 pieces) - that i realized the following are truly essential in keeping things organized:

1. boxes - a lot of them. also get one or two with partitions
2. a new pair of scissors
3. a very sharp cutter
4. cleaning cloth
5. air refreshner (i highly suggest febreze)
6. a mask (to make sure you're prepared to dust what needs to be dusted)
7. garbage bags (i was looking for a medium-sized bag but all the lady could give me was the industrial-sized ones)
8. surface disinfectants (glade's a good choice)
9. cable ties (i love them cable ties)
   
10. coffee and sanity

that afternoon, i woke up with my muscles killing me. but i'm all okay now. what's surprising is that i didn't realize i had that much space in my study table. i put all that i don't always need access to in boxes and tucked them under the study table. since i have cleaned my room up, my next project is to add a few things here and there - i am thinking of going back to watercolor painting again or doing something different to my favorite pictures of my wife and myself and hang them in my room. i also have my eyes on this nice little lamp i can put on top of my table - to make my room more conducive to writing, exploring my own creativity and keeping my 'alone' time with my wife hassle-free with proper lighting.

permutations posted by imani , Friday, November 4, 2011 at 12:43 AM, in Labels: freefall

i come home to the emptiness of my room and the silence of my voice. and inside my head, even my thoughts are warring.

i remember each and every time we cry because we fail to comprehend. each time we succumb to raising voices because we are threatened we are no longer being heard. each time we are demolished by our own scarring words because we thought there could never be another way to say them.

when this happens, i take a step back. i take an inward journey to find out what really signifies living for me. and when i do question my heart of hearts, i am maimed and dissembled, even daunted by one reality - something that you neglect to recognize when you are high on your own madness.

that this soul has bared everything it was and will ever be - for the love of you. it knows no more secrets to keep, no more boundaries to protect, no more truths to be ashamed of. it only realizes that it needs you - that you have become even more necessary than the very air it breathes. that it will break and bend over and over and mend itself right in front of you - to show you that it will stop at nothing, if it means loving you and feeling your love one more day.

this love will fight the shadows and doubts of your own heart. it will attempt everything it can to open your eyes to what you cannot see before. it will attempt to give beginnings to permutations of desire, of hope, of yearning - of all the things that make this history, this life, consequential.

even when we drive each other to a heedless quiet, the atmosphere tainted by the unending conundrum of the battle we will not stop waging, i can only wish that you never forget this: that at the end of it all, even when you think things could be easy, they are not. and even when they are not easy, know that i am not after conveniences. i am after loving you. know that what we have never thrived because of tolerance, but because we feed it our understanding. know that the love we share is bigger than our own happiness or our own sadness.

most of all, discern this - that i have never stopped wanting to come home to the quiet of my thoughts because that is where i meet you, that is where i find you, that is where i am all the more reminded not to be afraid to come home to loneliness, because i never will be lonely. because you never left my thoughts, because you never left me. and because i am holding on to every bit of you and me - every bit of that moment you said i never will be alone again.

all i know is that i love you. all i know is that i do not have the right to question why such love does not run out of reasons to keep burning or keep sustaining itself. all i know is that even when i lack in some, if not most things, i will try my hardest to be deserving of you. please do not stop crossing new paths with me or discovering gentleness and desire amidst arguments. be the splendor in my nights as i be the light in your darkness. all i want is that you hang on because you know you will never lose, and that you love because you know you will never be empty.