erase and rewind posted by imani , Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 6:18 PM, in Labels: freefall

Today felt more like that song by The Cardigans.

I’ve changed my mind. I’ll take it back. Erase and rewind.

Today is odd. I was late for 18 minutes. Darn it. I overslept. What a sloppy reason. But that’s the truth.

Erase and rewind. I really am not sure how I was able to survive the past few days in that condition or state of mind.

Everything is just so routinary now. One step forward. Two steps back. Actually everything that I do now follows that vicious cycle.

I go to work. I need to accomplish a lot of things. I never seem to run out of stuff to do. Which is alright sometimes because you don’t want to not do anything at all. But sometimes it all just becomes too common, too dull. And when things become common and dull, I usually turn to working twice as hard – just to deviate my attention.

Which of course is not good.

So yeah, I keep on changing my mind.

I am just so…bored. How do you survive utter, debilitating boredom? Writing does not seem to suffice these days. Because if I am totally bored, tendency is for my mind to be in a trance. And when that happens, it will only mean I won’t have enough creative juice to extract so that I could write.

Just like now. I am actually just blabbing whatever. I just wanted to see something on the screen that’s why I am typing. It’s my last break for today. And I do not want to go anywhere. My legs are aching from going up and down the stairs. Weird. How I allow myself to be in such a lethargic condition.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

My work today has consumed everything in me. And I suppose it’s too late to stop things from getting worse.

I am just really waiting for my day to get darker, get slower. There’s still about a couple more hours before my shift ends. The horizon does not look so bright from where I am.

I am stuck in senselessness. I would not say that I am helpless. I always have believed we are responsible for our day. We make the choice. We are the supposed ‘masters’ of our fate.

But I just really don’t want to be a salmon going against the current. I do not want to battle the inevitable.

I simply want to stay where I am.

In languor. In oblivion.