I just realized that I do not have one.
I mean, if things suddenly go wrong, I do not have an escape plan, a contingency plan to follow. I know nothing of a failsafe procedure to prevent the sh*t from hitting the fan.
The other day I was staring at our (office) evacuation plan. Well, I suppose everyone knows what it looks like. It’s got a mark that says ‘YOU ARE HERE’ and arrows that would lead you to the building’s exit.
I hope I have something like that in my life. Maybe a simple map that would show me where I am as of a certain moment…and would tell me what other paths I can take to get myself somewhere.
Because I feel like I have lost all sense of direction. I feel like I have been wandering to no end. I am definitely not saying that my life is empty, I suppose what I want to say is that I go from senselessness to finding my purpose then back to senselessness again. There is a cycle, yes, I do not doubt that…but like I what I mentioned on my other post, it is a vicious cycle and it is starting to exhaust me. It is starting to take its toll on me.
Realizing that I do not have a plan in place in case of emergency really bothered me. And to come up with one is a matter of national security.
Yet I am in limbo. When have I not been in one anyway?! I am torn between continuing to be the spontaneous person that I am and turning out to be an obsessive compulsive masochist who plans for her life for the next ten years and gets disgruntled each and every time the plan falters. I am not sure if I am ready to see ‘that.’
Just like what my best friend J aka Chica Grande said: “Uncertainty leaves room for wonder.”
Uncertainty does. Certainly.
It leaves room for wonder. And one hell of a space for so many other things – soul-searching, for one. But the odds are apparent. In uncertainty, we can either be victors or victims of tragedy.
But whether I fall or succeed, whether I come up with a plan or not…there is one thing I know I am sure of -
Regardless of what happens, the sense of wonder and amazement will remain within. And if and when I stumble, I know I would be grateful. Road blocks and my own personal limitations simply would tell me that there is a lot to learn and that we never can really prepare for everything.
0 comments:
Post a Comment