My best friend…or I mean, my ‘supposed’ best guy friend and I have known each other for almost a decade. Our last conversation left me wounded and wondering about where all those years that we have spent together as friends went. I wasn’t really feeling good that day. I had cough and a terrible cold. I could not speak too much but decided to give him a call just to see how he’s doing. After all that we have been through…yeah, you name it, the good, the bad, the obvious, even the ugly…it never really occurred to me that it’ll be a big deal (as to who calls who first). And I was never the kind to ask for anything. I am content with what we share with each other and am quite sure we aren’t expecting anything more from each other than what we could both offer. I do not remember all the details, and am not even sure how we got to the point where he told me: I think you are putting so much in this ‘relationship.’ (take note: ‘relationship’) So I have mentioned earlier I really cannot speak or hear too well that day…I was plain sick. And his little ill-timed confession only made my condition worse. And up to this moment, writing about that day…I can still hear his words resonate in my head: ‘I think you are putting so much in this relationship…’ And I honestly do not know what or how to feel. It felt like I have been maimed by this truth…I felt my heart fall towards the ground, it felt like my skin was slowly being ripped and someone…no, actually, the same best friend I was talking about…was rubbing salt on my wounds. I cannot believe those words came from him. Which begs the question…what kind of a psychotic response is that? The hell? What did I ever do to you to make me feel this way? Like crap, specifically. So as you would have predicted…I was crying myself to death at that moment…my tears just flowed and there was a point I felt dehydrated already. And I wasn’t speaking much anymore…though I remember telling him that he’s not in the position to tell me what I can do and what I cannot do, that he cannot tell me who I should offer my friendship and time to and who I should not deal with at all. I was just listening to him make sense of his own senselessness…and then something happened…the quote of the day (or the year…or the century…or the era) suddenly fell from his lips…he said: ‘So let me fill you in.’ And he’s expecting me to feel good about it? What did he think his words were…some sort of an elixir, a panacea, a universal remedy…that I’ll be cured of my sickness (in the head…and the heart) just because he wanted to fill me in?
You bet he needs to fill me in but I don’t want anyone to expect I’ll wait for another seven and a half years for him to honor his words. For God’s sake…I was bothered by his choice of words, to start with. He made me feel like I was this seven and a half year aberration. He completely ruined everything that meant anything to me. It wasn’t just the friendship that was trivialized…but also me, or what I have gone through. I always have believed that in any relationship…it never should matter who says sorry first, who apologizes first, who tries to reach out first, because that is what we are all supposed to do…attempt to understand one another. And if the friendship, the love, the person is worth it…then you should give it a chance, right? Give it a chance, and another, and another and another…as much as the heart can endure. And that’s what I have been doing…enduring the pain and the bitterness and the truth that this other person and I can never be. It is hard to fathom, and sometimes I find it…unbelievable I lingered for seven years…in the hope that he’d see me the way I would like for him to. But it never felt like something that I should regret. I mean, I gave it a shot…and like what Alfred Lord Tennyson said: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’
It really does not matter to me whether all the seven years (or more) that I spent harboring all sorts of feelings for him were put to waste and unrequited. The point is, I did what I wanted to do, and what I can do. Without fears. Without hesitations. I am not the one in the losing end here. All these years, I always have compared every single guy I meet with this best friend. A little unfair, I know, but I think highly of him…or let me put it another way…I only thought of him. How can I not? He’s my first love, my first kiss (an experience which eventually and ultimately paved way to me being claustrophobic), and my first major heartbreak. And he’s always been the first…the first one to give up, the first one to move away, and the first one to let go. Perhaps in that sense we really are meant for each other. I feel like I am back to my old usual self (but not really my normal self) and it feels good that I now can find humor in what has happened. I know it will all pass…I just am not sure when. I am not sure if I can ever say I don’t love this person anymore…because I know I always will. I guess I am just the kind of person who would always remember the good times. But I also need to acknowledge the fact that I cannot permit him to treat me the way he has. I finally have stumbled upon the ‘end.’ The end that I long have avoided…because I believed that we still have a chance. Because I believed that I can make things work. But it takes two to tango…and I cannot do the dancing all by myself. I believe I am in that part of my existence where I realized I don’t need him, or anyone for that matter, to thrive. My thoughts would not change…I still am happy that I met him. I never would deny him that. I owe him the realization that I will not be as strong as I am now if not for him. And if not for him, I would not have discovered how much (of myself) I could sacrifice for another person, how much I am willing to bare myself and get scarred and bruised and still believe it was all worth it in the end.
I might have lost the person…or even the possibility of sharing a lifetime with him…but I certainly did not lose that perfect instant I caught his gaze aimed at me…I certainly did not lose myself for loving him so much. After all, you never lose by loving…you only lose by holding back.
Written April 30, 2006
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