Is currently unstable.
Allow me to rephrase that. I am still unstable. Which means I was unstable before…as I have been for the last week.
I sometimes feel like a noble gas or a noble gas compound. I am highly unstable they placed me way back the Periodic Table of Elements.
I think I can also be highly combustible so all of you who see a smirk on my face at 1 in the morning, please save yourselves. Do not come near me…just yet.
Everything in my life is so weird right now, all because I do not feel like I have control – any form of control at all – about the things that will happen to me. Some of the things that I fear will happen to me might already have happened, I was just too unstable to notice.
I know I am such a huge blob of negativity. I have not spoken of anything the last couple of days except my depression. My depression of the unknown. I know that the more I profess that something really sad and dark is going on in my life, the more they all become real. I know that yet I am maimed. I cannot move on. I am stuck in this phase with a ball and chain. How apt.
Work seems to be okay. There are times I would feel I am just ‘crusin.’ That I am able to do the things that I need to accomplish without any barriers, without any hassles. Then there are days I just feel so apathetic. That I could care less of how the day will end.
More accurately, I am there but my mind is somewhere else.
I believe some people have effortlessly mastered this trick. It is often regarded as the ‘out of the body’ experience – this usually happens when you drag your unwilling self to do something that your entire system is revolting against.
Going back to me…one of my favorite topics (eheheh) - I feel so totally detached from the universe. I am beginning to think that maybe my forefathers weren’t even from this galaxy. Weird, I know.
For days, I have been trying to battle this depression. I know that this causes discomfort to Nosh, yet I know I cannot rush things. Everything takes time. I am just grateful that she's exercising every bit of patience she's got.
If anything, I am proud of the fact that I am trying to suck everything in by not being such a pussy – meaning I am admitting that there is something wrong – writing about it is a way for me to acknowledge that my bolt and screws are all wobbly…or are all in the wrong places. At least I am squaring my shoulders to the world and taking it all in…instead of running away from it. We never can escape who we are…or what we are and what we should be at a certain moment.
That thought makes me hopeful. Alas, there is a glimmer of light in this black expanse.
That in the midst of helplessness and frustration, I can find ‘me’ again.
0 comments:
Post a Comment