i am still a little unstable, still a little depressed. i still feel a little unlike my old self.
i don't know what struck me tonight. but i suddenly felt the compulsion to write about him.
the only other guy i was ever in love with, aside from Fox Mulder.
yes. i am talking about him. the one who made me feel like an aberration.
i wanted to write about him because i know that i feel different now. when i wrote 'aberration' more than a couple of years ago, i was hurting, i was not able to understand a lot of things, i was unable to see where he's coming from.
i am not saying i have perfect comprehension of what he said to me that time, but at least, i know now that the dust has settled. for those who do not know - i am talking about the huge sandstorm between him and myself. so yeah, the dust has settled.
i have not seen him for over a year. or has it been two years? we have known each other for more than ten years. i know that's a lot of years...in both our lives and on our faces.
i feel a little weird having realized that he knew the adolescent me. we met a few months after my father died. he was a nerd. i was a geek. i think in that way we complemented and attracted each other. i learned a lot from him. he definitely was more mature than me at that time - despite only being a year older.
i suppose i wanted to reassure him, though i am not certain he knows that i have written about him or that i am writing about him now, that i cherish the friendship that we have, and that it means more to me than all the havoc that we have caused each other when we were younger.
he saved me, in a way. he was a brother, a father, a friend, a lover. he was all that. he was in my life just in time to help me get out of the darkness when the pain of losing my dad was eating me alive. he was there to show me and make me realize that i am strong and that there is nothing that i cannot do.
it was never an 'us.' what i meant was that we never became a couple. but we both knew we loved each other and respected each other. he saw me and saw through me in so many different ways. i want to end this saying that i am completely over him...i am completely over the pain and the angst and the loneliness. i realized that even when he had his share of relationships, i never was really alone. he never left me. he was there as a friend.
he was there all the time as a person i can entrust my life to. he was there with me as he is and his friendship is with me now.
it feels good to know that after years and years of struggling to get over him, to not be sad about not being with him ~ i finally have found my peace.
i now only remember good things about him. and i am grateful.
0 comments:
Post a Comment