star and quill posted by imani , Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 7:33 PM, in Labels: freefall

It has been a long time since I’ve seen your face. It has been a long time since we both have actually ‘seen’ each other – with this I mean being able to discern what the other is and must be going through.

Realizing that left my heart aching. You are one of the best friends I have ever had. We were so close then but I know that there is an undeniable rift between us. I came to a point when I denied the slightest possibility of a gap coming between us. I thought it wouldn’t be such a difficult thing – to write this and make sure that my sentences do not have the words ‘but,’ ‘if’ or ‘however.’ It is hell. Because I know our relationship now is filled with that.

Because of the things we never were really able to resolve – with each other and within ourselves.

I know that as of this time, I can no longer allow myself to wallow over the things that I have done wrong or the things that I did not do – for you and for our friendship. I can only remember the things that brought you and me to where we are.

You know how much I respect you and look up to you as my friend. And I suppose I have loved you more than that – all because for such a long time you were the only person who really knew who I really am. And that is why I know I can look beyond this mess that I have made, that is why I know I can look beyond the trivialities and actually appreciate the things that matter most.

And what matters is that I remember everything that we have ever shared with each other. I remember how you held me when you learned the truth about me. I remember how you and I enjoyed a thousand conversations over a cup of hot fudge sundaes every Saturday on our favorite bench – later on it wasn’t just the sundaes we enjoyed consuming – we had coffee, ‘burak’ from ice monster and tequila.

I remember how your face lit up when I gave you that book on sketching, or that envelop of letters written every single day of May 2005. I remember how you and I always have liked the moon (for some reason), how you imbued my nights with understanding as you listened to me whine on the other end of the line.

I remember that smile on your face when I showed up during your baccalaureate mass. Or the unwritten contentment I saw in you when we (Josane, Cherry, you and myself) spent an afternoon watching the sunset. Or when we would sing ‘No Frontiers’ and ‘In this life' on the top of our voices.

But now I would like to simply ask you to remember one thing – that I will always be here for you. That I will endure your silence and I will persist despite the inevitable truth – that I might have already lost you. As sad as it is, you know there is nothing I cannot bear for the sake of our friendship.

I will never seek to replace those moments – our moments, I will never seek to change anything. That is because I understand that our friendship is bigger than you or me – it is bigger than who we are – all because I know that we loved each other unconditionally – with that I mean we know it is not about getting even or getting back what we have given to each other, but giving as much of ourselves as we can. It means that we prepare ourselves for what might or might not happen, for what might be given or might not be given back, ever.

You are the kind of person anybody would want and would like to have in their lives. And I am fortunate because I have found you.

That indeed you are my star.