zenith and nadir posted by imani , Tuesday, October 14, 2008 at 4:24 PM, in Labels: freefall

Anyone of us is bound to discover something about ourselves when we are in a relationship. The constraint lies in the ‘when’ and ‘what.’ And possibly…how. How are we going to take that of which we just learned. How am I going to take it?

What happened earlier was startling. Not just because I don’t know how to help you but because I feel I am responsible for it. And the truth dawned on me…that I am limited as I always have been. This realization is not easy to accept. But I am left with no choice.

I am limited in my means to help you ~ to actually be the cure for whatever it is that you are going through. I realized I truly cannot be everything to you. To anyone. I can only attempt to try being the one that you would need to be with you no matter what. Yet this does not mean and will never mean that I am your elixir or your panacea.

I was scared, more than anything. I asked myself…what if I came a second too late. What would have happened to you? What would have happened to us?

What would become of me without you?

I hate seeing myself and my glaring incapacity to be the answer to what you need. Yet I know I have to understand what you are going through and be stronger because I have to take care of you. Because I have to keep you. Because you sustain me and you keep me breathing.

I have made quite a discovery earlier. But more than my frailties and shortcomings, I also do know one thing that cannot be changed, shifted or altered. The one thing that has guided me from the very onset up to this particular moment…

And that is my love for you. I may have doubts of my capabilities, but not of my love…and of my fortitude to remain in this journey with you. My means may be limited, but never my thought, never my resolve, never my spirit. Because you feed it. You are the absolute good in me.

As much as I know I am both your zenith and nadir, please bear this truth my love ~ that I will strive to be the very best that I can, that I will continue to make an effort to be a better person all because I know you are doing the exact same thing. Not only with yourself in mind, but that of what we share.

I am blessed to have you and I suppose I can give it all back to you by not giving up, by not ceasing to believe that we can conquer anything…that we win whenever we are together.
I am here, not so much because of the little things ~ the way you tuck your hair behind your ear, the way your nose curls when I give you a compliment, the way your eyes seem to be sharper when you really like what you are reading, the way your face lights up whenever I say I love you, or the way you kiss my hand and feel its warmth on your cheeks…

I am here because you make my heart stop…for all the good and not-so-good reasons. The reasons do not matter now. You make all the difference in my life.

I am still here. I have not changed my mind or my heart about you. I do not believe there can ever be a way to do that. I am in this too deep.

I am with and will be with you now and until the end that we don’t see.