my laundry list posted by imani , Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 3:55 PM, in Labels: freefall

smoked a cigarette
made out with a member of the same sex
crashed a friend's car
stolen a car
been in "love"
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
been in a fist fight (with my male classmates, in grade school)
snuck out of my parent's house
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
been arrested (i want to try this)
made out with a stranger
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend (for all the good reasons)
had a crush on a teacher
been to Europe (in my dreams)
skipped school
slept with a co-worker (ummm...)
seen someone die
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
thrown up in a bar
purposely set a part of myself on fire (metaphorically)
eaten Sushi
been snowboarding
been moshing at a concert
been in an abusive relationship
taken painkillers (for my perennial back pain)
love someone or miss someone right now
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by (with my college best friends in intramuros)
made a snow angel
had a tea party
flown a kite
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping
played dress up
jumped into a pile of leaves
gone sledding
cheated while playing a game
been lonely
fallen asleep at work/school (i have actually lost count)
used a fake id
watched the sunset
felt an earthquake
touched a snake
slept beneath the stars
been tickled
been robbed
been misunderstood
petted a reindeer/goat
won a contest
run a red light
been suspended from school
been in a car accident
had braces
felt like an outcast
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
had deja vu
danced in the moonlight
hated the way you look
witnessed a crime
pole danced (I want to try this one too!)
questioned your heart
been obsessed with post-it notes
squished barefoot through the mud
been lost
been to the opposite side of the country
swam in the ocean
felt like dying
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
sung karaoke
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn't
made prank phone calls
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (correction - the beverage shot out of my nostrils)
caught a snowflake on your tongue
danced in the rain
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under a mistletoe (or in the rain...)
watched the sun rise with someone you care about
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
crashed a party
gone rollerskating
had a wish come true
humped a monkey
worn pearls
jumped off a bridge
screamed penis in class
ate dog/cat food ('tried tasting' dog food)
told a complete stranger you loved them
kissed a mirror
sang in the shower
have a little black dress (every woman has to have one - i agree)
had a dream that you married someone
glued your hand to something (to the wall to be exact)
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
kissed a fish
worn the opposite sex's clothes
been a cheerleader
sat on a roof top
screamed at the top of your lungs
done a one-handed cartwheel
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
stayed up all night
didn't take a shower for a week
pick and ate an apple right off the tree
climbed a tree
had a tree house
are scared to watch scary movies
believe in ghosts
have more than 30 pairs of shoes
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
gone streaking
played ding-dong-ditch
played chicken
been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
been told you're hot by a complete stranger (i wish...nyahah)
broken a bone
been easily amused
caught a fish then ate it
made porn
caught a butterfly
laughed so hard you cried
cried so hard you laughed
mooned/flashed someone
had someone moon/flash you
cheated on a test
have a Britney Spears CD (i know someone who does)
forgotten someone's name
slept naked
French braided someone's hair
gone skinny dippin in a pool
been threatened to be kicked out of your house (they didn't have to tell me but i most certainly felt it...hehehe)
been kicked out of your house

this is for you mumai - for being a constant :)

this is only the beginning posted by imani , at 3:47 PM, in Labels: freefall

I want to be with you because you let me be who I really am. And I want to do the exact same thing for you. I want to be with you because I know that I do not want to go anywhere else.

Because I cannot fathom the thought of sharing my life with someone else aside from you.

I am not perfect. I am not everything, and I cannot be everything. But I will always try – I will always attempt to do my very best, to win your affection and your love…and to make you feel that lastly, you never have to fear having to be alone for the rest of your life. I am here and I will be with you.

There honestly isn’t anything more that I could want. I have you and I know that from there I can overcome any hurdle that will be thrown my way. I know I am strong because you make me believe that I am, and because you show me that I can be.

Each time I am reminded of the things that we have pointlessly argued about, I just tell myself that you are still here, we are still together and that we are not heading anywhere without each other. That keeps me still and thankful. You keep me grateful and appreciative of what we have. And I know that what we now are able to hold in our hands is definitely something that does not come by too often.

As a matter of fact, this is the first time I am loving this way. This is the first time I am able to really go after what I want without the nagging feeling of possibly – defeat, the incapacity to make the one I love stay with me, the probability of disappointing the other person and losing everything that I hold dear.

This is the first time I wanted to promise so much of who I am, all that I want to be, to one person. This is the first time that I want to work really hard so you will never find it in your heart to leave what we both have built. I know how everything between us is precarious – I know that it sometimes feel as if we are walking on thin ice, that one mistake could lead to the death of us. And much of it was and is because of me – my character, my frailties, my imperfections.

And I am terribly and utterly sorry for having caused you pain. It is inevitable, I suppose, because we want for things to be heard and for things to be clarified. But right now all I want to say is that I love you. And that I have never loved anyone like this – I have never loved anyone this much…and I know I can still do and offer so much more.

And I will not stop here. We have a lifetime, my love. And just like you, I know that even when the thought of a lifetime daunts us and scares us – I have you – and you are the reason why I know I can survive anything and the cause why I know I will not be deterred by shortcomings and battles.

So let me take this time now, to tell you how grateful I am for having you. I am fortunate to be with you in this life and hold you the way you always have allowed me to – with passion coursing through my veins, with understanding and compassion passing between us.

I suppose that as we grow old, our desires and dreams become constant and stable. And my dream is to live a life with you, to provide for you and the children we will have. My dream is to embrace you every night and be the one to wake you up with kisses every morning. My dream is to sit with you and our children on our porch as we await the moon to shine. My dream is to take you and the kids to an ice cream parlor or a bowling alley every Saturday evening. My dream is to have your image permeate my reality when I open my eyes.

I want to be there for you. I want to be with you. You are the kind who wants to make this world a better place, and you are able to do that because you love unconditionally. I know that is true because you have made my world a great one. And I love you so. And it is because of the same love that I want to give you as much of the world I can, by giving you my heart and my love.

Marry me?

star and quill posted by imani , Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 7:33 PM, in Labels: freefall

It has been a long time since I’ve seen your face. It has been a long time since we both have actually ‘seen’ each other – with this I mean being able to discern what the other is and must be going through.

Realizing that left my heart aching. You are one of the best friends I have ever had. We were so close then but I know that there is an undeniable rift between us. I came to a point when I denied the slightest possibility of a gap coming between us. I thought it wouldn’t be such a difficult thing – to write this and make sure that my sentences do not have the words ‘but,’ ‘if’ or ‘however.’ It is hell. Because I know our relationship now is filled with that.

Because of the things we never were really able to resolve – with each other and within ourselves.

I know that as of this time, I can no longer allow myself to wallow over the things that I have done wrong or the things that I did not do – for you and for our friendship. I can only remember the things that brought you and me to where we are.

You know how much I respect you and look up to you as my friend. And I suppose I have loved you more than that – all because for such a long time you were the only person who really knew who I really am. And that is why I know I can look beyond this mess that I have made, that is why I know I can look beyond the trivialities and actually appreciate the things that matter most.

And what matters is that I remember everything that we have ever shared with each other. I remember how you held me when you learned the truth about me. I remember how you and I enjoyed a thousand conversations over a cup of hot fudge sundaes every Saturday on our favorite bench – later on it wasn’t just the sundaes we enjoyed consuming – we had coffee, ‘burak’ from ice monster and tequila.

I remember how your face lit up when I gave you that book on sketching, or that envelop of letters written every single day of May 2005. I remember how you and I always have liked the moon (for some reason), how you imbued my nights with understanding as you listened to me whine on the other end of the line.

I remember that smile on your face when I showed up during your baccalaureate mass. Or the unwritten contentment I saw in you when we (Josane, Cherry, you and myself) spent an afternoon watching the sunset. Or when we would sing ‘No Frontiers’ and ‘In this life' on the top of our voices.

But now I would like to simply ask you to remember one thing – that I will always be here for you. That I will endure your silence and I will persist despite the inevitable truth – that I might have already lost you. As sad as it is, you know there is nothing I cannot bear for the sake of our friendship.

I will never seek to replace those moments – our moments, I will never seek to change anything. That is because I understand that our friendship is bigger than you or me – it is bigger than who we are – all because I know that we loved each other unconditionally – with that I mean we know it is not about getting even or getting back what we have given to each other, but giving as much of ourselves as we can. It means that we prepare ourselves for what might or might not happen, for what might be given or might not be given back, ever.

You are the kind of person anybody would want and would like to have in their lives. And I am fortunate because I have found you.

That indeed you are my star.

The X Files | The Truth Is Out There posted by imani , Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 7:03 PM, in Labels: something else

The X Files first hit the boobtube in September 1993. At least in the United States. I am unsure as to the exact month in year 1994 when RPN 9 started airing the award-winning science fiction series which to me, and possibly gazillions of other fanatics out there is, more science than science fiction. Chris Carter was the genius behind The X Files, he also was the creator of another series, the short-lived yet equally goosebump-causing series, Millenium.

I have read numerous articles that casting the right actors to play Mulder and Scully wasn’t easy - especially that the network – Fox – wanted a taller, blonder, ‘breastier’ and ‘leggier’ actress to portray Mulder’s alter ego, Scully. They had a Pamela Anderson-ish babe in mind for the role but Chris Carter insisted on casting Gillian Anderson, a theatre actress who vowed to never do TV, would change the face of primetime when she joined David Duchovny in The X Files. After its pilot episode, the chemistry between the two actors was very apparent, almost innate. Chris Carter was right about the choices he made. He has to have two people who are to act convincingly as a criminal investigator and a medical doctor. I honestly couldn’t care less if Gillian stands a mere 5’3” – she’s so good at what she does if I lived in the US I would probably ask for her to be my personal physician. Nyahaha. I think at one point Gillian can take the medical board exam and pass it.

They are FBI Special Agents Fox (William) Mulder and Dana (Katherine) Scully, MD – our heroes in the quest of finding the truth that is out there. The X Files lasted 9 years, bagged honors from probably over a dozen award-giving bodies and inspired millions and millions of couch potatoes to ‘want to believe.’ I was one of them, trust me.

When I started watching The X Files, I was maybe about 10 years old. My dad and I would ogle at the screen every Monday night at 9PM. Watching the show pretty much made my week. When I went to high school, I met yet another die hard fan in the person of one called Monette Fernandez, my bestest best friend (for 12 years now). After each episode, Monette and I would recount the kilig moments that Mulder and Scully shared. I would tape episodes one after another so I can watch them on weekends. That was before we had cable at home. (I remember that there was a phase I would watch the current X Files season in RPN, then watch reruns of older episodes on Star World and later on, in AXN). There was a time, however, when Monette shifted interests and we had an arrangement – she would tape The X Files for me while I tape episodes of Gundam Wing for her – but I know within she continued being an X-Phile at heart.

The X Files proved to be such a big hit after its first season that Fox Network agreed to sign a five-year contract with its creator, main actors and producers. More than that, Chris Carter satisfied legions of fans’ craving for The X Files by coming up with every imaginable X Files merchandise any fanatic would love to have. There were t-shirts, soundtracks, posters, books (official and unofficial), key chains, mugs, mouse pads, etc. I personally have a two or three posters at home (which used to startle my mom every time she wakes up in the morning), the series and movie soundtracks and a t-shirt.

Six years after the last episode of The X Files was aired, I chanced upon a DVD (yeah, I am a sucker for fake DVDs) of all of The X Files' nine seasons. I thought to myself…is this luck or destiny or what? I don’t care what Edu Manzano would say. I am an X-Phile, I am proud of it and I am sticking it out. For weeks my fingers itched, I wanted to write something about the series which saved me from my irreparably bleak youth.

Mulder and Scully were heroes because even with their training, their education and their capabilities as investigators, they sometimes failed (I didn’t want to say that they failed period, but that they sometimes failed because given the circumstance/s, they went on and continued with their quest). They faltered. They had their own share of shortcomings and misgivings. Fox Mulder (named after the network) was an Oxford-educated psychologist and a renowned criminal profiler, whilst Dana Scully (named after Vin Scully, Carter’s favorite sportscaster) is a medical doctor specializing in forensic pathology who pursued a career in the FBI. The former is a believer while the latter is a skeptic. The X Files isn’t just an office in the FBI’s basement but a repository of cases that the bureau deemed unsolvable because of their nature…which could be any or all of the three – extraterrestrial, paranormal, occult. Because of their beliefs, the characters encounter conflicts, yet they are each other’s Yin and Yang. The series itself is no fairy tale, we have a woman who needs no saving, who can climb out of Rapunzel’s tower and wear Cinderella’s shoes with grace even if it does not fit. Then there is Mulder, a man who is relentless in pursuing his passion (later on his obsession) who needn’t a partner. But of course we know the premise that Scully was assigned to The X Files to debunk Mulder’s work. Scully is to provide the scientific check to Mulder’s belief in the paranormal.

So the two protagonists who thought they do not need another person to give meaning to their work are thrown together to resolve irresolvable cases. So what’s in it for them? There are lessons to be learned. And there is the truth that they are uncompromising of their principles and their morals. They will go after what or who they need to go after to unlock the truth. There is also that undeniable understanding and love between them. Though it wasn’t the imminent love story between Mulder and Scully that drew me to the show…it was one hell of a bonus. Later on, the drama and furtive romance between the leads helped me, and other viewers, I think, to keep on holding on and keep on believing that there are good things to hope for, even when the very job they have would drive anyone to the point of madness.

So what is the truth and where is out there?

Out there are hundreds of episodes illustrating two people’s passion turned into national and international (and could be…extraterrestrial) craze. Out there are hundreds and thousands of meters of film worth keeping and preserving in any museum. The X Files introduced so many ‘truths’ to us – its faithful minions, or you can say unashamed members of the cult …and I am writing this so I can share with all of you some of the things that sparked my curiosity and nourished my addiction:

• Pilot: Scully and Mulder were investigating unusual deaths within a single high school class, with its victims found to bear a common mark – a protrusion on their lower backs. Later in the same episode, we see Scully in her undies showing Mulder that she might just have the same marks. Mulder dismissed this as mosquito bites.
• Squeeze: Eugene Tooms appear as a liver-eating mutant, with Scully as the next target. In this episode we saw Mulder ‘touch’ Scully’s necklace
• Ascension: Scully gets abducted by a lunatic named Duane Barry and Mulder was inexorable in his desire to save his partner, proof is his willingness to climb on top of a moving aerial tram
• 2SHY: Our killer this time feeds on voluptuous women, with Scully and Mulder puzzled by the state of the victims after death…as they all turn into literally a human soup
• Unruhe: Scully falls victim to a serial killer capable of psychic photography (don’t ask me to explain it now). She speaks a little German in this episode. Unruhe is German for unrest
• Never Again: Jodie Foster is in the episode, lending her voice to the fatal pin-up girl tattoo of a psychotic divorcee, Ed Jerse, who Scully would later on kiss. In this episode, Scully gets inked with an ouroboros (a snake eating its own tail, a symbol for creation and destruction)
• Memento Mori: Scully is stricken with cancer, which she finds out about for the first time. The opening sequence shows Mulder bringing her Scully a bunch of flowers. At the end of the episode, Mulder and Scully embrace each other, as the former assures the latter that they won’t give up in finding a cure for her illness
• Small Potatoes: Our protagonists are mistaken as a couple as they investigate consecutive mysterious births of babies with tails. The suspect has the ability to change his shape and looks and at one time disguises himself as Mulder then attempts to kiss Scully. The real Mulder appears in time to stop the kiss from taking place
• Detour: Mulder and Scully get stuck in the forest, Mulder was wounded while they were hunting down a ‘moth man.’ Scully sings to Mulder so he can sleep, and Mulder tells Scully that ‘the best way to regain body heat is to crawl in a sleeping bag with someone else naked.’ Scully tells him that ‘maybe if it rains sleeping bags you’ll get lucky.’
• Post Modern Prometheus: One of my favorite episodes. It was in black and white. After rescuing 'The Great Mutato' from crazed townspeople, Mulder and Scully head to a Cher mini-concert. Mulder asks Scully to dance with him. And they did.
• Triangle: Mulder gets himself in a ship stuck in a time warp where he meets a woman who looks just like Scully. This is set in the 1940’s (or at least the atmosphere of the episode). Mulder kisses the ‘Scully’ in this episode before he hurls himself to the sea
• Arcadia: Mulder and Scully poses as husband and wife to resolve mysterious deaths in California’s The Falls at Arcadia. They argue over toothpaste tubes and toilet seats. Mulder at one point asks Scully to: ‘woman, get back here and make me a sandwich,’ Scully flings the gloves to Mulder’s face
• Milennium: When the clock struck 12 MN, Mulder leaned and gave Scully a kiss. I think this is the first time the two shared a screen kiss that wasn’t cut during editing.
• Milagro: A recluse writer gets obsessed with Scully and tells the audience at the end of the episode that ‘Scully is already in love.’
• All things: This is mainly an episode for Scully, why?! Gillian Anderson wrote and directed the episode. In this episode, there was a hint at the onset that Scully and Mulder made love.
• Hollywood A.D.: Written and directed by David Duchovny. The plot is that there’s a Hollywood movie about the X Files. Gary Shandling plays Mulder and Téa Leoni plays Scully.
• Existence: Scully gives birth to son William, Mulder and Scully share a kiss (and this is not some time-warped place, so the two are aware of what’s really happening)
• The Truth: Season 9 finale. Mulder is placed under military arrest, blamed for the death of a super soldier (with that kind of name we know that they are deatless…but then that’s why we have government conspiracies). Scully sees Mulder after a long time, A.D. Skinner had to turn away to afford the two a very intimate moment…they kissed. At the end of the episode, Scully and Mulder are in a hotel, hiding as fugitives, but positive that ‘There is hope.

The truth is that I just spent about a couple of hours writing this, while sipping a really sweet concoction (Hershey’s French Vanilla Cappuccino), and I feel like my throat is about to get sore again. But what the hell…let the truth be known and heard. To my future daughter…yeah, Mommy is and always will be an X-Phile. Don’t worry, I will keep the DVDs and let you watch them as soon as you can distinguish colors. I wonder if your first words will be ‘Trust No One.’

hope in hell posted by imani , at 6:34 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

here where my
heart recognizes
nothing but
fear and
my lungs breathe
the dense air
of hesitation
my eyes fighting
the blinding
night
dwelling too long,
gnawing on my
innocence and silence
and inside
thorns dissolve
in uncertainty
caressed by the
devil's stare
standing in naked
endlessness
and i scream
in pain,
and languish in
the gathering darkness
alone and empty
here in hell.

lightheadedness posted by imani , at 2:15 PM, in Labels: imani's aphorism

i am the victim and corruptor of my silence

of my ever gnawing need to be loved

without understanding and without remorse

i have become the very being

of a haunting and disenchanting

nightmare

amaranth posted by imani , at 2:01 PM, in Labels: freefall

ever since you, i have learned to appreciate all the littlest, minutest things that inspire and affect life, one way or another. i suppose i learned to embrace details that seem to hold no significance because they are all that i could ever put my hands on. the larger truths…like the cosmos, the span of an era….or you…can only longed and hoped for.

because of you, words like ‘fingertips,’ ‘inch,’ and ’seconds’ have become more important than any other word i know. and it also is because of you that my heart is full. and sometimes when we have our ‘pseudo-arguments,’ that same heart cannot breathe, is suffocated, is drenched in nothingness. how can you do that? how can it be? that the person who heals my would be the one person who dismantles me, with her hands, with her words, with her thoughts.

because of you, i know what it is like to drink the light, succumb to the energy coming from your eyes. because of you i know there is more to the word ‘loneliness’ other than the glaring, gnawing pain that feed on my soul every time we are not together. because of you, i believed in love…another time. because of you, i started believing in dreams that i thought have died a long time ago. because of you, i sometimes do not want to exist, for i know that i never would understand how it is to be without you.

because of you, winter never seem to occur. because of you, i do not want anything but to hasten the spring. watch your hands nurture the amaranth. and feel the water that drops from your kisses touch the petals of the flower not to be imagined by anyone but you. because of you i am able to put meaning to my words, fasten each to my heart…because i know, finally, what it is like to feel.

real posted by imani , at 1:57 PM, in Labels: freefall

when the daylight fades and my soul is left in silence i remember your smile. and you make everything new.

when the night swallows my reveries and stifles my hopes i remember your words. and everything is alright.

when the seconds that pass conquer the images i have of you i remember the grace of your eyes. and everything becomes alive.

when all the light ceases from my horizon i remember your faith in us. and i will keep on holding on.

when i am alone and the world just seem to be a place void of warmth i remember the fire that you kindled with your bare hands. and my body yearns to have your touch seek it.

when the nightmares plague my lonesomeness and leaves me doubting my worth i remember how you caressed my soul without saying or doing anything. and my spirit is healed.

when the stillness of my life is halted by your absence i remember the peace in your love. and i know i have everything i would ever need.

when the gloom of things to end drowns my heart in disbelief i remember all the seconds that you were with me and dream of the moments i will have you all to myself for the rest of my life. i realize you have made everything i used to imagine tangible and all that i see and feel now all so real.

zenith and nadir posted by imani , Tuesday, October 14, 2008 at 4:24 PM, in Labels: freefall

Anyone of us is bound to discover something about ourselves when we are in a relationship. The constraint lies in the ‘when’ and ‘what.’ And possibly…how. How are we going to take that of which we just learned. How am I going to take it?

What happened earlier was startling. Not just because I don’t know how to help you but because I feel I am responsible for it. And the truth dawned on me…that I am limited as I always have been. This realization is not easy to accept. But I am left with no choice.

I am limited in my means to help you ~ to actually be the cure for whatever it is that you are going through. I realized I truly cannot be everything to you. To anyone. I can only attempt to try being the one that you would need to be with you no matter what. Yet this does not mean and will never mean that I am your elixir or your panacea.

I was scared, more than anything. I asked myself…what if I came a second too late. What would have happened to you? What would have happened to us?

What would become of me without you?

I hate seeing myself and my glaring incapacity to be the answer to what you need. Yet I know I have to understand what you are going through and be stronger because I have to take care of you. Because I have to keep you. Because you sustain me and you keep me breathing.

I have made quite a discovery earlier. But more than my frailties and shortcomings, I also do know one thing that cannot be changed, shifted or altered. The one thing that has guided me from the very onset up to this particular moment…

And that is my love for you. I may have doubts of my capabilities, but not of my love…and of my fortitude to remain in this journey with you. My means may be limited, but never my thought, never my resolve, never my spirit. Because you feed it. You are the absolute good in me.

As much as I know I am both your zenith and nadir, please bear this truth my love ~ that I will strive to be the very best that I can, that I will continue to make an effort to be a better person all because I know you are doing the exact same thing. Not only with yourself in mind, but that of what we share.

I am blessed to have you and I suppose I can give it all back to you by not giving up, by not ceasing to believe that we can conquer anything…that we win whenever we are together.
I am here, not so much because of the little things ~ the way you tuck your hair behind your ear, the way your nose curls when I give you a compliment, the way your eyes seem to be sharper when you really like what you are reading, the way your face lights up whenever I say I love you, or the way you kiss my hand and feel its warmth on your cheeks…

I am here because you make my heart stop…for all the good and not-so-good reasons. The reasons do not matter now. You make all the difference in my life.

I am still here. I have not changed my mind or my heart about you. I do not believe there can ever be a way to do that. I am in this too deep.

I am with and will be with you now and until the end that we don’t see.

desire posted by imani , Saturday, October 11, 2008 at 4:11 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

the journey
is long and arduous
and the path
is covered with
broken glass and thorns
but my mouth
awaits the moment
when you would
seek it with fervor
and desire
all that i am
like you never have
before.

behold posted by imani , at 4:08 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

i laugh and dance
sing and design
the life ahead
the roads to take
the paths to choose
the battles to be won
the dreams to be lived
the bliss to be followed
unshaken, unstirred
unbound, untapped
graceful, peaceful
beautiful, content
at
last
to
simply
be
who
i
am.

and posted by imani , at 4:07 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

i
had
your
lips
pressed
against
mine
yesterday
under
the
scorching
heat
of
the
sun
amidst
our
sweet
yearning
to
unravel
each
other's
mysteries.

sonnet eight posted by imani , at 4:05 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet eight

i want to be the air that fill the space between
the breaths you take in and let out
your mouth a well of sweetness, your eyes
a spring of paradise, giving birth to stars

and suns now crowning my heavens and crowding
my universe and i am adrift, i want to be
so you would find me hidden, concealed, veiled
by the immense wonder of your

incredible color and luminosity
weaving the thread of my faith, belief, aspirations
fastening my dreams, holding my pieces together

reviving my waning spirit, lifting the cloak
to reveal my face wanting nothing but to be
the air that fill the space between your breaths.

sonnet seven posted by imani , at 4:02 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet seven

the hours of darkness laced with trepidation
to not see your face bring the light
nor feel your shadow mar the ambiguity
of an end that emerges from oblivion

soon my love, this heart of mine will succumb
to the vision of you waiting as the story unfolds
wishing that you would linger
after everyone has gone

the lifeless, desperate day drags the knife
of impossibility on my skin throbbing
for you to feed its addiction

stifled, maimed, heaved to the ground
i look up imagining you would appear
and i hear, i hear, i hear you whispering.

under the neon sky posted by imani , Tuesday, October 7, 2008 at 6:15 PM, in Labels: freefall

i am not sure if i ever told you this...but i am really glad you showed up.

happy 22nd, mine.

and because of you i know there can't be a fiber of my being that doubts whether we can make things work because i know we will.

una posted by imani , at 6:13 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

sa pagsibol
unti-unti
naiintindihan
na ang lahat ng bagay
may panahon
may kakayanan
at ngayon
nauunawaan
ang dahilan
kung bakit ang pagsibol
nakalaan
sa pusong sa pag-asa ay nananangan.

~alab at pluma~

the simple things in life posted by imani , at 6:06 PM, in Labels: freefall

• listening to jazz music
• poetry
• or…reading poetry as foreplay
• comfort in old friendships
• reading a book at night, and knowing that you would not want to spend that moment in any other way
• coffee…and cigarettes
• sarah mclachlan, norah jones, sheryl crow, tori amos, dave matthews band, nerina pallot
• a new love interest
• realizing that the person you cannot live without…is not going anywhere, but here
• moonlight bathing my lover’s skin
• a child’s laughter
• falling in love
• fighting for love
• making love (?!)
• finding out you’re pregnant (?!) (it’s never happened to me but i guess that’ll be good news)
• hearing my mom say: ‘i am proud of you’
• my daddy’s embrace
• my best friend sleeping over our house
• tequila
• black and white photographs
• the wind blowing gently on my hair
• my hand being kissed
• appreciation, understanding, respect, friendship, love, trust, infiniteness, possibilities

sonnet six posted by imani , at 5:57 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet six

in all the days, weeks, months
i have silenced my heart and my desire
to bring you closer to the truth
that my soul long have yearned

to kiss your lips, to embrace you with
gentleness, to hold you like no one else has
my awakening sprung from a distant
memory when i found you smiling awkwardly

without your gaze meeting my stare
without your hands touching the tip of my hair
without you knowing, without you discovering

that the swift, arresting whirlwind of words
you uttered weakened the bright, vivid hope
for me to battle forgetting you.

symphony posted by imani , at 5:55 PM, in Labels: freefall

is the voice that i hear whispering to me in the morning. is the longing that i see staring at me when i open my eyes. is the touch that i feel seeking the tremor underneath my flesh. is the kiss that caress my soul in the wake of dawn. is the mist that hovers above my forlorn body. is the laughter that keeps me from succumbing to darkness. is the light that sustains me in emptiness. is the embrace that makes my heart race. is the music that plays in my ear in silence. is the flower that blossomed in my lonely imaginings. is the truth that rescues me in bitter winters. is the hope that exists even in nothingness. is the magic that never wanes. is the wonder that leaves me in awe. is the faith that washes over me in uncertainty. is the love that thrives in me constantly.

when i think of posted by imani , at 5:53 PM, in Labels: freefall

grace
i think of the way that your hands move with the wind and how your gestures surpass the fluidity of rivers and streams.

peace
i think of the mornings and nights i found myself embraced by your strength, lulled by your ardor.

compassion
i think of the moments when your heartunderstood each and all of my frailties and inconsistencies and still see me the same way.

truth
i think of the energy and patience your becalmed soul always have given me when my world is crumbling in stillness.

hope
i think of the times when my body trembled upon the thought of losing you too soon…then seeing your tears flow to wash my pain away.

courage
i think of the fears you have conquered in the hopes of being with me…and realize that i am loved beyond measure.

beauty
i think of the fire in your gaze and how you have mesmerized my hungered spirit with your radiance, leaving me on my knees.

love
i think of the seconds your life gave what my soul yearned for ~ the breath to sustain me in my silence, the passion to enwrap me in my solitude.

things i cannot live without posted by imani , Sunday, October 5, 2008 at 10:57 AM, in Labels: freefall

Ernie and I were texting each other a few minutes ago. He said something really ingenious…

‘Eto…dilat na naman ang…ingrown (toenail) ko…’

Wahahaha.

I think I just coughed my bladder out from laughing too much.

I too cannot sleep. I am just so restless so I decided to use my restlessness in something (I think) creative. I am writing. At 12:58 in the morning.

So how shall we ponder the universe?

Let me yap about the things that I cannot live without.

First. Books. I love to read. It was my cousin, Ate Mater, who introduced me to books. Ever since I was a kid, she never got exhausted of buying me books every Christmas and when it’s my birthday (I owe you this, Ate). It has become this passion for me. I actually do have quite a library (or a collection, if you may) at home. I usually go for specific authors (check my profile). When I read a book and I love how it was written I would go ahead and scour the far ends of…Metro Manila (ahaha) to look for other titles from the same author. I am O.C. that way, I think.

Second. Pen and paper. I am not sure if it follows but I love to write because I love to read. (okay, at this point I think I am starting to become an uninterestingly unexciting person). I always take a poetry notebook with me. I love the fact that when a good idea strikes me, I always have my pen and notebook handy. Pencil is also an option. I suppose this is my way of making sure that I do not miss out on anything. I have a sharp memory. It’s both my blessing and my curse. I am one of those people who would remember things from a decade or two ago you did not think you told me about. (My friends know this ~ so beware!!! Nyahahaha). By the way, I still keep a journal. Memory is everything you have not forgotten.

Third. Coffee. I cannot live without coffee. It has become part of my daily rituals. I drink maybe five to six cups of coffee a day. I think I drink coffee too much ~ to the extent that I am immune to it and to the point that I feel like I have so much blood in my coffee system. I would gulp down any kind of coffee…cold coffee (as in the traditional Nescafe, sugar and cold water straight from the fridge combination) , hot coffee, scalding coffee, instant coffee, 3-in-1 coffee, black coffee, coffee ice cream, coffee beans (kidding). I think I drink coffee to much that my birthday has become a national holiday in Brazil.

Fourth. I am a chocoholic. I am a self-confessed chocolate addict and I am proud of it. Again, I am not claiming that this is true for everyone but eating chocolate calms my nerves, and for the most part, somehow, gets me out of any unsettling feeling (depression, irritation, blah blah blah). Most of the people I know are a little ‘scared’ of eating too much chocolate, because of well, the sugar (and ultimately the calories). When I eat chocolate, I only am afraid of one thing that might happen ~ zits on my face the next morning.

Fifth. Antihistamine. Love antihistamines. Any brand would do. You see I am born with this peculiar condition (aren’t we all born with one). I am allergic to shellfish. That includes clams, oysters, mussels and my best friend ~ shrimps. You name it. The whole nine yards. I am allergic to the kind of food that a lot of people, including my sister, proclaim to induce extraordinary salivation. I think it is delicious. All I could do now is think of what it is like to eat them when I see them. I do not remember how they taste anymore. When I have allergies, my eyes get red, I have big, red patches all over my body. And I am not saying two, three, four patches. I am talking about patches that would resemble the Indonesian archipelago. Or any archipelago for that matter. My hives are archipelagic. Wahahaha. Apart from shellfish I am also allergic to cats. My best friend Jerlen has nine or ten cats at home. I never was able to go to her house. Before I could do that I need to secure myself a bio-hazard suit. And one more thing…when the weather is too hot or too cold, I get allergies. That simply means that our weather is perfect for inducing allergies (for me, at least). One of the more relieving side effects of antihistamines is that it sedates the one who takes it. I am not sure if any of you guys are curious to see me in my sloth-like state, speech-impaired and all that. Antihistamine is my version of the happy pill.

Sixth. This happened about two days ago. When I am at work, every so often I would go to the washroom to…wash my face (now I know it’s not really a healthy habit, but I cannot seem to control myself). I reached for the faucet and splashed my face with water ~ this is my ridiculous attempt to wake myself up. You see I work weird hours. Really weird hours that I ‘had’ to let go of my social life. I have turned into an incredibly dreary person because of this. Great. Now I am blaming my powerlessness to mingle with other people to my job. Going back…washing my face is one of the things I resort to when I need to keep myself awake. That is ~ aside from coffee, caffeine tablets, and the occasional energy drinking spree. So my face was soaking and all that. And I noticed something. No sight of paper tissue. I checked all the six stalls and all the tissue receptacles were empty. I went to the washroom on the third floor and my search ended tragically. Still no paper tissue within reach. I went back to the second floor and looked at the mirror. My face was dripping. I looked around to check if I have other options and saw the hand dryer. And of course I knew that sticking my face there should never be entertained. I cannot live without paper tissue. I don’t suppose women can exist in this universe without it. I ended up using my shirt (good thing it was black and very absorbent).

sonnet five posted by imani , at 10:53 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet five

the rapture, the elation, the bliss
that you leave me in when the sunlight grace my
window and your shadow haunts me,
follows me like a dream, a desire, a fantasy

there are times i am left
with nothing except the incessant longing to
be in your arms, within your safe harbor,
surrounded by peace, resting in stillness

loving the life that you have given me
living in love and loving you, my life
i have been treading the path blindly

but now everything becomes clear
that my heart beats and breathes because
you are near and you sustain me.

sonnet four posted by imani , at 9:45 AM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet four

your skin a shimmering land of honey
yet i know it is a shroud betraying the
beauty that thrives within you
for you are who you are and what i see,

what i feel and what i touch is magic and
energy untainted and your fingers stir
my senses and give rise to a thousand
reveries conceived by a mind that thinks of

nothing but the wonder that the lithe
and impeccable contours of your body
exude in the silence of seconds and

eras, in the death and ruin of lies
i have your tranquil and unperturbed
glance leading me back home.

i raise my cup posted by imani , at 8:37 AM, in Labels: freefall

I do not know why it took me so long to finally let things out and empty my system.

Perhaps I was afraid that once I have revealed what I truly feel about what happened, I would end up with nothing.

I was wrong.

The Doyen of Weird Attraction – Jerlen – spent her last day in the company with Erick and myself last October 1st. We went to Starbucks beside E-telecare (am not sure if that was really the name of the company…or maybe I am just plainly not paying attention.)

We spent about 3 hours together…something that we have not been able to do for a long time. This year, the three of us went out to get coffee 3 times. Once every quarter. It is more than depressing. It is freaking unbelievable and just made all of us feel somehow that the universe is consipiring for the Doyens to never ever spend some quality time together.

Anyway…hanging out with each other always meant getting a cup of coffee from Starbucks. Our favorite Starbucks branch used to be in Glorietta 2, until that fateful day.

Starbucks (both the ambiance and the coffee) paved way to a lot interesting discussions for the Doyens - some are satisfying, others are unsettling. Honestly, I do not believe there's a lot of people who can spend an entire day with me (without leaving them feeling like all their energies have been depleted). But all three of them managed to survive occasions when they had to put up with my childishness, my foolishness, my inability to process thoughts on my own.

In this place, over a cuppa joe, we babbled about anything and everything under the sun, we pondered on the mysterious depths of the universe (our universe), we revealed memories we did not dare unveil to other people. We also were subjected to Erick's perfectly-timed innuendoes, Jerlen's wicked sense of humor and Ernie's ceaseless enthusiasm.

So last October 1st, we shared some really great stories, we laughed our lungs out, we scalded our sinuses with coffee (except for Erick, who bought a burger meal from McDo, adjacent to Starbucks), we laughed some more to the point all three of became flatulent.

But there was something that day. There was an air of sadness, an air of nostalgia. We all know that things won’t ever be the same again, but we all avoided having to talk about it.

It was as if discussing the ‘end’ or anything that has to do with any kind of ‘ending’ has become a taboo.

I miss Jerlen so much. Erick and I had a nice little conversation the other day. That we cannot accept it would be the last time we’d ever be together. I, for one, just want to really hold on to Jerlen and have her stay with us (meaning work in the same place) for as long as possible, but I know I have to respect her decisions. So I held myself back – because I understand what it means to her.

Before we ended the coffee session, we clinked our ‘cups’ (since we were drinking coffee) and smiled. Ernie, if you would ever read this, don’t worry, we raised our ‘cups’ for you…to honor you, to honor what we have, to honor the Doyens.

I suppose there is only one thing that won’t ever be the same again. I won't ever be the same again. I won’t ever be the same because Jerlen, Erick and Ernie all have become part of me ~ part of my id if you will. I won’t ever be the same because they have allowed me to look at situations differently, they have made so many should-have-been ‘shackling’ moments seem to not matter at all.

More than anything, I know that the friendship that all four of us share encompasses stories and secrets and blackmail (in case you would attempt to share it with someone outside the group). Our friendship is about life, and living it the best possible way we can.

So let me raise my cup/mug/glass/goblet for you, my Doyens ~ in the end we only think of the beginning…and let me confess…I doubt that there would ever be an end to this.

I love you guys.

i dream of you posted by imani , Saturday, October 4, 2008 at 3:11 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

becoming the narrow
banks my bare feet would
walk upon…
becoming the sudden,
perfect tear to wash
my hands of my sorrow…
becoming the crescent
moon that kisses my
skin at midnight…
becoming the unaltered
peace i find in my
dreams…
becoming the intrepid
sunlight that pierce
my eyes…
becoming the ardent,
unexpected
spring in my october…
becoming the only one
i desire

now
and
always.

on my skin posted by imani , Friday, October 3, 2008 at 3:05 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

sometimes
i am
tempted
to write
my words
all over you
because
i know that
anytime
you want to
you can write
your thoughts
on my
skin
too.

this world posted by imani , at 3:01 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

to be
without

you

is
a

frightening
angle
of

peace.

levity posted by imani , at 3:00 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

high up in the air

weightless, a moment's despair

void of my own life.

zilch posted by imani , at 2:53 PM, in Labels: freefall

nothing seems to suffice right now.

everything is just so crazy. everything is suffocating.

i wrap my mind on thoughts and things that i really cannot do anything about.

i no longer feel like i can stop the downward spiral.

i no longer feel like i am able to do the things that i want to do.

or maybe it is just because i am looking at one direction.

that i do not value the detour.

or that i am rushing to understand the truth of what is happening to me.

perhaps.

perhaps i have changed.

perhaps it wasn't necessarily the situation that has maimed me.

perhaps i was too weak to fight it and just allowed for things to be.

sonnet three posted by imani , Thursday, October 2, 2008 at 3:08 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet three

your graceful soul unceasing
never losing radiance or hope
when the dark memories loom and threaten
the mist of the night and i am here

beloved aching and breathing only for you
my light and my life, my soul and my peace
holding the infiniteness in each breath
you take and in all the truths you give away

shattering my doubts and breaking my tears
before they fall you have caused my heart
to hasten to your arms and enfold

every fiber of my being with contentment
and delight, you have without uncertainty
permitted this soul to exist.

sonnet two posted by imani , at 3:05 PM, in Labels: ars poetica

you and me
sonnet two

when my book opens, your gaze
and smile flutters through the wilderness,
through the vast expanse of the universe,
through the haze, through the void

and my hands will take yours
and will know it like all beautiful
things should be recognized
and will remember every trace of

simplicity and grace, unravel each
strand of mystery from your body
that conquer my fears

and with my eyes dreaming, my thoughts
shall wander and find your heart
in my life as my book closes.